Paving the road to romance.
There are a number of specific things that can be done to rekindle that romance. We’ll address a lot of them later on in the book, but first you must lay down the foundation before you start down the road. Becoming self-directed in your quest for a better marriage is a great way to start. Now let’s get a bit more in-depth.
First of all, you must face the facts. The notion that if your mate really loves you he or she will automatically change for you is usually an illusion. Here is where self- direction can help. Rather than demanding that your mate change for you, why not ask your mate what he or she would like you to change?
This can bring immediate positive benefits. As one partner begins to change, renewed respect follows, and an example is set for the other to follow. It's never easy to admit to personal faults and shortcomings, but, when we ask for them to be pointed out and take concrete steps to change them, the situation improves for both partners.
Be honest, and face the facts, even if you're uncomfortable taking these steps. Realize that you need to grow. When you do your marital relationship will also grow.
Understand what your partner needs. Another myth is that if your mate really loved you, he or she would always understand you. The story goes that an older couple sought marriage counseling, and the counselor asked the husband if he had ever told his wife of 35 years that he loved her. He responded: "Well, I don't think I need to do that over and over. After all, I told her I loved her when we got married."
This man, along with, perhaps, you and me, didn't realize that we all need reassurance now and then to calm our normal doubts and insecurities, and the understanding of your mate requires certain sensitivity to his or her needs, the two sexes are, after all, quite different.
Instead of seeing your differences as hindrances toward a happy marriage, start seeing them as strengths. Well-meaning couples sometimes see differences as negotiable. But negotiation is too often motivated by a selfish want rather than by love or selflessness. No two human beings are exactly alike. On the surface we may appear similar in many ways. But beneath the surface many differences lie hidden.
Those differences become more pronounced under pressure. Rather than negotiating differences to fit one's selfish desires, try to view your mate's differences positively, as strengths.
Look around you. The earth's biological systems work independently and interdependently. The ecological systems are interdependent. Birds, insects, flowers and fruit trees all function independently within their species. Yet there is interdependence when the fertilization of flowers and trees often depends on both birds and insects in search of food.
In a similar way, a husband and wife can benefit from their differences, so making the two you stronger than one. Women are usually more intuitive, while men are more analytical. Rather than negotiate away such differences, try accepting your mate's strengths.
When key decisions are made for both husband and wife, the wife's intuition and the husband's analytical makeup can combine for a better decision. Combining strengths, rather than letting them be a potential source of conflict, can be a powerful factor in building a successful marriage.
Realize that anything good – like a good marriage - will require some effort and some work. Some mates assume that if they have to work on their marriage there must be something wrong with it.
Perhaps this assumption comes from a naively romantic outlook toward marriage shaped by popular entertainment and culture. Most who plan to marry assume their marriage is different and therefore impervious to marital problems so common to the rest of us. What every married couple soon finds out is that, although marriage is wonderful, it is also sometimes quite difficult.
Difficult is not always bad. The human experience is fraught with difficulties and, so, we can empathize with others in their hardships. As in life, so it is in marriage. Life in general and marriage specifically can be happy, but both can be filled with difficulties.
Good relationships don't just happen; they are cultivated. The good ones are sustained by work put into it; to bear the rich fruit of a happier marriage requires a personal investment of time, interest and diligence. One person put it this way: "The only relationship that doesn't require work is the one that's not worth having."
Some assume that having to work on marriage after saying "I do" is proof that the relationship wasn't good enough in the beginning. This notion demonstrates a lack of understanding.
The truth is that all marriages, and especially those we consider the happiest, are marriages that both partners have worked on. It's no accident that "for better or for worse" is part of many marriage ceremonies?
Work correctly implies sacrifice; work or sacrifice in marriage helps make romantic lovers into inseparable friends.
Don’t just be lovers, be friends as well. In the most fruitful and productive marriages, mates share the relationship of friendship as well as romantic love.
Many psychological and emotional differences come into play in these relationships, of course. Friendship brings a significantly different array of experiences and feelings to a marriage from those brought by romance.
In terms of its effect, the friendship relationship within marriage can be the most significant because of the amount of time marriage partners spend together, especially as the marriage matures and grows. Still, romance in marriage should be rekindled. It will be by those who are working at having happier marriages.
You must change your state of mind if you want to realize success in bringing your marriage back to a newlywed state.