He’s Like Flypaper on Steroids
Piper always considered boat rides in the ocean to be either of two extremes: exhilarating and exciting or challenging and sickening. Whether she felt one way or the other depended on whether the boat was moving or idling, and whether she had remembered to take her motion sickness pills before the ride. She hoped there wouldn’t be too much idling that day, but she had medicated, just in case. A picturesque boat ride with friends on the turquoise waters of the ocean seemed well worth the risk. Nothing like the salt life.
Bob had invited her and Nick to join him and his fiancé, “sweet Betty,” for a voyage on his Boston Whaler. Boat rides in the Florida sun were always fun, and the weather that day was perfect. She was ready to relax and enjoy. Her only concern, aside from having motion sickness issues, was that Bob would overdo it while captaining the DILLIGAF. At least Nick could captain the boat if Bob drank too much.
They had departed from the boat docks near Bob’s house mid-morning and were gliding over the waters of the bay. She glanced over at Bob, who was captaining the boat with Nick by his side. Betty stood opposite of her to balance the boat, each on one side of the center console in front of where Nick and Bob stood. She gripped the boat’s rails as it bounced over the waves and headed south along the shore of the bay.
“Anyone want a beer?” Bob asked as he opened a large cooler in the back of the boat.
Piper sighed.
“You have to ask?” Betty quipped.
“Yeah. Think I need a beer,” Nick added.
Piper looked over at Nick, who was standing next to Bob in the captain’s chair. As far as she knew, he hadn’t had a drink since his walk of shame in Colorado. Hopefully this would be one of very few beers. He was supposed to be the backup captain, as she was no expert in running a boat, and she doubted Betty could take over either.
Nick walked over to her on the side of the boat and embraced her with a warm hug, pulling all of himself against her bikini-wrapped skin. “Piper, I hope you don’t mind. My work week was nuts. Lou was on fire. I really need a beer. It’s so hard for me to give it up altogether. So hard. But I promise to only have a few.”
“That’s fine,” she said, as if she didn’t mind him drinking, though it sort of bugged her. She wanted to be with a sober Nick that day. He was much more fun when he was sober and so much happier. Drinking wasn’t her thing, as it made her feel a little out of control and gave her hangovers. She had a hard time understanding how anyone could make it a habit or use it to drown their problems.
Over the next hour, she squirmed in her seat as she watched Nick down a few more beers alongside Bob and Betty as the boat ran further south. Staring at the public beaches, hotels, and condominiums on the coast helped to take her mind off of that. She looked over at Bob and noticed that he seemed in well control of the boat. Lots of practice and experience, perhaps. Or a strong tolerance to beer. Fortunately, Bob never idled the boat and that kept her from getting sick, which was nice.
Against the backdrop of a purring boat engine, music from the radio filled the air. Some of her favorites were playing, including Tim McGraw, Darius Rucker, and Brad Paisley. Their cheery tunes helped to keep the mood pleasant.
She swayed a little back and forth and occasionally looked up at Nick, who was now sidled up against her on the front seat of the center console, skin to skin. He was wearing a little grin as he swayed to the music. Full of so much empathy for others, he was probably trying to take his mind off of all of the terminations at his company. He loved his coworkers and considered many of them good friends and family. It was a shame that Lou was driving the company’s family culture into the dirt. Lou Seifert. Lucifer. Hmm. That’s probably no coincidence.
To the east, she spotted beaches, condominiums, hotels, and palatial homes. To the west, she saw a great expanse of deep blue ocean water, which was kissing the Florida sky. Tiny stars danced along the ocean ripples, reflecting the sun’s light in a glistening array of brilliance. A few rolling clouds loomed off in the distance, but there was little chance of rain that day, according to the weather forecasters. Among the clouds were flocks of seagulls, which ascended and descended over the water in patterns, as if freed from the constraints of gravity. The snowy feathers of the birds contrasted the sky’s sapphire hue in a way reminiscent of the colors of the coastline in Greece. Piper had visited Greece with her family once when she was very young. She recalled little from the trip, save for a few visuals of Greece’s spectacular coastline. Unforgettable.
As the boat bounced over the waves, she sensed a slightly wet, salty wind and marveled at the strange way the surreal beauty of the ocean engaged her senses and embraced her soul. Certainly a big bang in the cosmos and a series of chance coincidences could not have led to the earth’s perfect splendor. Only God. His majesty. She looked up into the air and spotted a pelican flying alongside a few seagulls. It darted past them to nab a fish in the water.
“See the dolphins?” Nick asked everyone. “They’re right over there.” He pointed westward.
Piper saw the fins of four dolphins swimming side by side, bobbing up and down in the water and commented, “Brilliant.”
When she was twelve, Piper had been swimming in the ocean while on a vacation with her family. Everyone else was on the beach, but they knew she was swimming, so she felt safe. A rip current pulled her under the water and she fought against the current to escape from drowning. She screamed, but no one heard her as she sank deeper and deeper into the water until submersed and unable to communicate with those above. She called out to the Lord for help before a feminine voice answered, telling her to stop fighting the current. “Go with the current,” the voice said. “Don’t fight it and you’ll be free.” She stopped moving and felt her body being lifted to the surface of the water. She was free. Always suspecting that the woman was either her guardian angel or Mother Mary, she said prayers to thank both.
Don’t fight it.
Maybe that included Nick and his drinking. No sense in wrecking a sunny day on the boat, or being a control freak. Control freaks don’t make good wives. Plus, things would be back to normal the next day, which was Sunday, her favorite day of the week.
“So, when is the wedding?” Nick hollered up to Bob, who was just behind him at the helm. He and Piper stood up to get closer to their friends as they moved to the side of the open fisherman-style boat.
Bob raised his can of beer and tilted it, “Soon, my friend. Stay thirsty. No date yet.” He took a long swig and put the beer down in front of him on the console. His skinny body was adorned in a loose-fitting long-sleeved fishing shirt that day, along with boat shorts and a baseball hat worn backwards. Both he and Betty donned matching black sunglasses. “We’re living in the moment, baby. Living the dream.”
Betty stood by his side with a smile on her face and an arm wrapped around him. Her long, curly red hair blew behind her in the wind, exposing more of the freckles on her forehead and her child-like cheeks. Piper suspected she was of Irish or Scottish descent, with her button nose and weak chin. And of course there was the obvious clue, which was her zest for the sauce. Piper had Irish roots as well, so she understood that. She watched Betty take another drink from her beer and toss the can into a bucket in the back of the boat.
“Three points, Betty. Nice shot!” Piper blurted.
“Thanks!”
“Hey, congratulations, by the way. We’re very happy for you two,” Piper added.
“Thanks, we’re happy too,” Bob replied. “Hold the wheel, Nick.” Nick grabbed the wheel as Bob headed to the back of the boat, emitting an all too familiar screech. “Think I slipped on a fish.”
“Nice one, Bob. Love your Bronx cheers,” Nick chuckled. “Good thing we’re up-wind.”
“Bob, you kill me!” Betty added. “Can’t believe I’ve found my soulmate.”
“Soulmate? They have that in common? Gross!” Piper whispered to Nick, but then she laughed. Couldn’t help it. Nick laughed too. Then Bob and Betty laughed.
“Slipped on a fish?” Betty asked, “Where do you get that stuff? I swear you could make money as a comedian.”
“Dude, I’m just getting started.”
Nick slipped to the back of the boat to reach for another beer, but this time Piper followed him and stopped him.
“Honey, I love you,” she whispered as she grabbed his arm. “How about a water bottle instead? You need to pace yourself. Could be a long day.”
He looked her in her eyes through his sunglasses and took pause. “Good call,” he said as he grabbed two water bottles from the cooler. “Want one?”
“Sure. Thanks Nick.” She hugged him tighter than she had ever hugged him before. “You’re the man.”
“No, thank you,” he whispered. “Just proved to me once again how much I need you.”
The plan was to meet Flypaper and Chase for lunch at the Lucy Goosey, which was a restaurant-bar with a large following south of Orange Bay. The Lucy Goosey was known for its island music, conch fritters, and spunky servers who were incentivized to show “attitude” and “be fun.” Sometimes they jumped up on the tables and danced on the chairs, while other times they competed against one another doing handstands, dance moves, and daring hot sauce tastings.
Piper was excited about catching up on Flypaper’s relationship with Kat, which for some reason she had not identified, she found very interesting. Maybe it was that she had known Flypaper since high school and he had never been in a relationship for more than a month. Or maybe it was that she was hoping that he would find the woman of his dreams who would change his life. She usually didn’t like Flypaper types, but she liked that he was a believer, though just a self-proclaimed Chreaster.
She was also looking forward to hearing about Chase’s and Cherie’s experiences at the Collins’ Foster Home over the past couple of weeks. She wondered about the assignments that they had been given and whether Chase was doing cybersecurity or working with the kids. Hopefully he was working with the kids, since that would likely benefit him the most. Playing basketball and football with the kids was fun, too, much more fun that working on a computer fighting cybercrimes. Piper thought about Chase’s “hot squad” comment and recalled the way he smiled at her when he said it. He could be nice sometimes.
The boat sputtered about a mile away from the restaurant. Then the engine stopped. Piper paused her thoughts to focus on Bob, who was trying to restart the boat by cranking on the ignition. Everyone else probably paused their thoughts too as water pooled under their feet.
“C’mon!” Bob yelled as he engaged the engine once again, without success. He paused and waited. “Okay, I’m going to give it a break. Need a beer anyway.” He walked to the back of the boat and grabbed two beers, handing one to Betty. “At least we have the music and the view.”
“So, should we call a towing service?” Nick asked.
“We need to wait a few minutes. I think the engine took in some water.”
“Okay.”
Piper could see the restaurant off in the distance with its many lunch time patrons. She was starting to feel hungry and thought of the seafood that she would order once there. Shrimp Scampi was her favorite, but she also liked just about any blackened fish. Or maybe she would get nutty and order a dozen steamers or some oysters. Oysters. They were sort of gross to look at, but strangely tasty.
She focused on food to keep her mind off of the fact that the boat was rocking back and forth and that she was starting to feel woozy, despite the motion sickness pill she had taken. Another pill sat in her purse, yet she needed to stretch out the first pill’s effects as long as possible, just in case the day was extended into the night.
Bob pulled the top off of the engine and studied it. “Hmm. Might be a while. Think the engine needs to drain. Let’s enjoy the moment.” He returned to the center console and flipped the radio stations to one that was playing Uncle Kracker’s song, “Smile.” Then he gyrated around, as if to the beat, or perhaps to the beat of his own internal song.
Not much rhythm there. Piper chuckled. But he’s Bob. He doesn’t need rhythm.
She scooted closer to Nick, trying to gain her composition and normalcy, yet her stomach became more and more woozy. More idling. More wooziness. Sweat poured from her skin, dripping out from every pore in her body. She couldn’t take it anymore. She rushed to the front of the boat and leaned over its side, heaving everything from her stomach until only dry heaves were left.
Covered in sweat and feeling like vomit, she looked back at everyone on the boat. They were all watching her.
“Sorry, still don’t have my sea legs,” she gulped.
Nick came to the front of the boat and hugged her. “Honey, I’m sorry you’re sick. Hey, it happens to all of us sometimes. Maybe you should jump into the water. Could be better. Less rocking.”
“Good idea. I still don’t feel very well.” She climbed up to the edge of the boat and jumped into the water.
Nick jumped in behind her. “Howdy, fine lady. Thought I’d join you.”
Bob threw in a couple of life preservers. “Use these as floats. Makes it easier to stay out there.”
“Thanks, dude,” Nick said.
An hour passed before Bob put the cover back on the engine and tested it once again. “Cross your fingers, guys and gals.”
Piper climbed aboard just ahead of Nick and crossed her fingers as she looked up into the sky. She had been in and out of the water a few times and was more than ready to step foot on dry land. Plus, her clothes were covered in a mix of saltwater and sweat. No one would be complimenting her appearance at the Lucy Goosey. That she knew.
The engine sputtered before starting. “Sweet,” Bob yelled.
“What a relief. I’m so happy!” Betty responded. “I was starting to get a little sweaty.”
“Nothing like a sweaty Betty!” Bob said as he revved the engine and charged the boat towards the restaurant. Before long, they were roping the boat at the docks and heading inside.
Flypaper and Chase were sitting at a large wooden high top table next to the bar when Piper and the group walked in. She spotted them immediately as Chase’s wavy blonde mop set him apart from the sea of patrons with darker features.
“Howdy, howdy,” Nick said.
“Hey there,” Chase answered. “Saved these seats for you guys.” He signaled the group to the four open bar stools at the table.
“Cool,” Nick said as he pulled out a chair and plopped down, followed by Bob and Betty.
Piper remembered that she wanted to brush her teeth, so she excused herself and headed into the bathroom. She always carried a toothbrush in her purse. So good to be on dry land.
A few minutes later, she strolled back to the table and saw everyone giving each other high fives. “Woo hoo!” Bob yelled. “Chase is going to be a daddy.”
“Congratulations, Chase!” Nick added. “That’s fantastic!”
“Thanks, man. Didn’t think it would happen this quickly, but hey, it’s all good. We’ll be getting the house that her parents bought us in April. That will give us plenty of time to get things ready. She wants a lavender room for the baby with lots of purple and white pillows and blankets. Lavender is her favorite color. And I’m cool with that.”
“She’s nesting,” Piper said. “That’s what pregnant women do.”
“Do you know if it’s going to be a boy or girl?” Betty asked.
“Nope. And we’re not going to check either. Right now it’s just an “it.” It will be a surprise.”
“Guess you bought the wrong car for a baby. Two-seater Porsche.” Flypaper chuckled as he slowly picked up his drink and took a sip while observing his surroundings. Piper could tell he was making an obvious effort to show off his muscles, which his canary-colored tank top well exposed. Maybe he was over Kat.
“So, you going to get a different car?” She asked.
“No way. Love the Porsche. We’ll drive the baby in her SUV. Just bought her a black Mercedes SUV. It’s a beauty.”
“Man, you two must be raking in the cash,” Bob said.
Chase smiled. “Oh, you know it.”
A server came by with a platter of drinks and took everyone’s food order, which varied from crab legs to oysters to hamburgers. Piper ordered Shrimp Scampi and looked forward to a platter of noodles draped with butter-covered and garlic-smothered shrimp.
A weather-beaten heavy-set man caught her attention. He was sitting by himself and cracking crab legs at his table. She studied him as he dipped the legs in butter and drew out the juicy meat. The table at which he sat butted up against a window, which allowed the light of the sun to reflect the oily butter lining the furrows of his lips. His aged eyes struggled against the weight of his thick brow. Possibly a sailor, yet his old plaid shirt didn’t seem consistent with what sailors wore. He looked familiar, but she couldn’t place him.
She thought of the way sailors live for the sea. Old men of the sea. Old men with sea legs. She pictured the large oyster boats she had once seen in Apalachicola drifting about in the ocean.
Wonder if they ever throw up. Wonder if they ever think about things beyond the sea.
Feeling her stomach growl, she sighed and turned her attention back to her table. The ice water helped to stop the growling.
“Chase, how’s the volunteering going?”
“It’s going,” Chase said, just before laughing. “Going to be something I don’t bother doing after the eighty hours.” He picked up his cell phone and texted something.
“Texting Oren?” Piper asked.
“Yeah. How do you know Oren?”
“I don’t.”
“Well then, how did you know that I was texting him?” Chase asked.
“Just a guess. Who is he anyway?”
“A friend. Met him in college. Good guy. Parties like a rock star, but never gets that drunk. He inherited a boat load of money when he turned 18, so he went to Vegas and turned his millions into billions. Rich as hell, man. Rich as hell.” Chase shook his head and laughed. “I’ve been thinking about his life. It’s all about blowing the bucks and supporting causes he thinks are important, like firearms and tobacco. Those are his passions, even though he doesn’t even smoke tobacco! He’s all about freedom of speech, freedom to shoot guns, and freedom to make the choices that could put you six feet under. You have to have some moral flexibility to hang with him. And the women love him too. He’s like Flypaper on steroids!”
“Flypaper on steroids? C’mon Chase. You’re making me sound bad.”
“What does he look like?” Piper asked. Oren was starting to sound more like an urban legend than a real person.
“The chicks say he’s good looking and clean-cut, but I think he’s just a fun-loving pompous fool who likes to strut around like he owns the world. That’s why I hang with him. We’re also on the same page about god. I like that about him too. He’s smart. Knows a lot about intelligent atheists like Nietzsche, Camus, and Schopenhauer.”
“That makes him smart?” Nick asked.
“He’s smart in other ways too. Knows a lot about history and political figures.”
“I’m sure. We’ll have to meet him sometime. So, what do they have you doing at the foster home?” Nick asked.
“Little of this, little of that. I installed a bunch of firewalls in their computers to protect them from cyber-crimes. Made ‘em change all of their passwords to much more complex ones.”
“Nice,” Bob said just prior to letting out a burp.
“I’m sure they appreciate you,” Piper added. She thought of the way Cherie’s parents had come up with the volunteering contingency and what their intentions must have been then. They were trying to shape Chase’s and Cherie’s hearts. It’s too bad that Chase was the same old Chase.
“They better,” Chase responded.
“So Juan, how’s Kat?”
Flypaper looked at her for a long moment, as if searching for the perfect words. Glancing at Chase he said, “Broke my heart, Piper. She broke my heart. I have never been with anyone like her. She was perfect for me.” He wiped his dark eyes with the top of his hand, catching a small pool of sweat from the furrow above his brow. With slumped shoulders, he shrugged and shook his head.
What happened to the heartbreaker? What happened to the dominator? Strange.
Piper paused and reflected. This can’t be him. Maybe he was faking it. Maybe he was just trying to get Chase’s support.
“I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?” Piper asked.
“Well, after I asked her to move in with me, she told me she was moving to New York City. She’s going to stay with Tanner and Marlis for a couple of months while she works on getting a modeling job.”
“Maybe you could move with her?” Piper offered.
“Nope. That’s not an option. I can’t do the cold. And she doesn’t want that anyway. Kat cut me off like an old shoe. She’ll probably find herself a wealthy New Yorker.” He shook his head side to side in a very humble sort of way as he looked down at the table.
Chase shook his head in exactly the opposite sort of way, as if to affirm his pleasure in experiencing his friend’s pain. Schadenfreude. With a slight smile on his face, he said, “C’mon pal. There will be other women,” he said. “Your worst mistake was to go after my sister. I warned you about her being selective. Just go back to your old self. You’ll be happier.” He chuckled before adding, “Man up. My sister was too good for you anyway.”
“Thanks, Chase. Nice back hand.”
“Just saying.”
“I would have married her Chase. She was it for me. Please tell her that.”
“Oh c’mon! You’re killing me! She’s perfect and you aren’t. Go back to the way you were. You were happy then. You know, I look at you now and I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but I want the old Flypaper to come back. I want the Flypaper who gets pumped up when he hears that the bikini contest is starting at 4 today.”
“Bikini contest?” Bob perked up. “Today? Here? Is that why you picked this place?” He looked over at Betty and said, “We don’t have to watch them. None of those ladies can ever come close to looking as nice as my girl.”
Betty smiled.
“Nope. Just a lucky coincidence.” Chase winked as he took a sip from his drink. Then he picked up his phone and headed towards the restroom.