Chapter 27 Jane
As I sit outside eating my breakfast I can't stop thinking about how much things have changed yet again. When I first got here I felt like the world was against me. I spent two months in my room hating my life and every one around me. Every day it was a struggle for me to get out of bed there were days that I felt like I wasn't going to make it but I'm still here and to top it of tomorrow I'll be on a plane going back to where I belong. This time around I don't have to be looking over my shoulder waiting for some one to snatch me up. “What you're doing?” Sam ask as she takes the seat across from me. “Taking in the view” I answer. If there is one thing I regret is the fact that I didn't enjoy Dubai. It really is a beautiful place. She looks around and nods in agreement “It's a beautiful place”.
“How are you holding up?” I cross my legs as I study her. I know that me leaving is really hitting her hard. She tilts her head back to rest it on the chair as she looks at the sky “I'm okay”. Just the fact that she isn't looking at me let's me know she is lying but I'm not going to make this harder for neither of us. I follow her lead and enjoy the sun on my face “You know I'll always be one call away” a tear rolls down my face and I quickly wipe it away. If I start crying I'm not going to be able to stop and I still got tomorrow to go. “Yeah I know” her voice comes out raspy I'm sure she is fighting her own tears back.
The sun feels great on my skin I have to get enough sun before I go back to New York. I'm excited to see the snow! I've been waiting for this moment since I was a little girl. I always dreamed of having a snowy Christmas. “Are we going to see each other again?” Sam says after a long period of silence. My eyes fly open as I snap my head towards her direction “Of course we are silly you can come and visit me when ever you want”. She turns her face to look at me with tears in her eyes “Any time?”. My heart hurts hearing how upset she sounds. “Come here” I tap my legs for her to come take a seat on my lap. I used to do this every time Sam was feeling upset about anything. I would rock her in my arms while I sang to calm her down. I lean back into my chair as Sammy walks over and jumps onto my lap. Things has change since the last time I rocked her. For one she is much heavier and two she barley fits on my lap. I can hear her head turning from all the way out here. “What's going on up there” I tap her head as I try keeping her on my lap. She drops her head on my shoulder “I feel like I'm losing you” her confession finishes breaking my heart.
“Ammy,” I use her childhood nickname to lighten up the mood “it's not like I'm dying. I'm just moving to another country,” well that doesn't sound as good as I thought it would “how bout this if you don't come down to visit me I come and get you myself”. I was thinking of doing that anyways. If Sammy doesn't come to me than I'll come to her. “Pinky promise?” she brings her pink above her head without lifting her head off me. “Pinky promise” I seal the promise “besides we can talk on the phone, text, video chat, hell we can even write letters it's not going to be like last time I swear”. She nods her head as she snuggles into my chest. “Do you want me to sing to you?” I brush her hair back as I rock her.
“Um I've never said anything before but you kind of suck at singing” she laughs. I already knew I suck at singing that's why I only sing when I'm alone or with her but I act like this is news to me. “What? There is no way” I gasp. “Oh there is a way” she says amused. I rock her and just for the hell of it I start to sing “Rock a bye baby on the treetop,”. She press her head into my chest as she covers her ear with her hand “Please stop” she giggles.
I don't sound so bad I'm just a little rusty all I need is to warm up. “When the wind blows the cradle will rock” I sang from the top of my lungs. If there where any cats or dogs around I'm pretty sure they would be crying by now. Sam hops of my lap “Will you look at that I'm feeling much better I guess you can stop now” she smiles and this time I know it's a sincere smile.
“I still got it” I smile as I brush my shoulders off. She waves her hand in the air as she walks away “Yeah yeah”. Well at least she is in a better mood. “ROCK A BYE BABY!” I sing from the top of my lungs as I run after her.
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I'm feeling kind of down after talking to Sam. She really made me second think the whole situation even tho she didn't mean too. Even tho I want to believe with all my heart that I'll see them again deep down I really don't know if I will. There is only one person who can calm me down right now.
“Muffin?” he answer on the second ring. My heart does a flip in my chest just by hearing his voice.
“Really? What happen to the Smith. Gabriel Smith?” I say disappointed.
He chuckles “What's up baby?”.
I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Should I tell him that I'm having seconds thoughts about this? I can't do that to him he is so excited to go back home. I can't let guilt change my mind. I want to go back home as much as he does. I was the one who made the first move.
“Stop over thinking Muffin everything is going to work out at the end” he says. I love the fact that he can read my mind even when we aren't in the same room. He always know what to say to make me feel better.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I ask. I don't think there is enough words to describe how much I love him.
“Mm not really how much?” he ask playfully.
“I can show you better than what I can tell you” I smile to myself. I can think of a few wick things I would love to do to him.
“Mmm,” he hums sending a shiver down my spine “like what baby?” his voice is thick with desire.
Oh god I'm turn on just thinking what I would do to him right now. “This is a very dangerous game we're playing” I say as I clench my legs together to relief some tension.
“You're right Muffin we can pick this up later” he agrees. Oh we're definite picking this up later. “Do you feel better Muffin?” he ask.
Actually I do feel much better I don't even remember why I was stressing in the first place. “Much better thanks to you” I smile through the phone.
“Good baby do you want me to pick you up tomorrow?” he ask. I would love for him to pick me up. I could use some kind of moral support but I know that isn't a good idea. My father has agreed on letting me leave but I don't want to push the limits by bringing him around.
“No I'll meet you at the airport” I play with the hem of my shirt.
“Fine just be there before 3 and I'll be waiting for you” he says. Just the fact that I'm going to see him tomorrow brings butterflies to my stomach.
“I'll be there” I reassure him.
“You better or I'll come looking for you” he warns me. I glance at my bracelet and smile. I have no doubt in my mind that he would come looking for me if I don't show up.
“Love you crazy stalker man” I say.
“Love you too Muffin see you tomorrow ya?” he ask. Now it's my turn to reassure him I'll be there “Definite see you tomorrow”.
After talking to Gabe there is no doubt in my mind about what I'm about to do. I wonder where's my dad? I haven't seen him all day. Now that I think about it I haven't seen any one since this morning. Not even Mark or Raul. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaining it's just strange that's all. I check my father's room but there is no one in here maybe he is in his office. I walk into his office and to my surprise he isn't in here either. Where can he be? As I walk pass the living room the sound coming from the TV catches my attention. I didn't even know we were allow in the living room no one ever steps in there. I wonder who is watching TV? I walk in and to my surprise I find my father sitting on the sofa
“Papi?”. I'm surprise to see him in here especially since I've been looking for him all over. He pauses the TV and looks back to me “Hey Princess,” he gives me a force smile that kind of reminds me of the Joker's smile. “What are you doing in here?” I walk over to sit next to him on the couch. His eyes are red it looks like he hasn't gotten any sleep in days. “Watching some home made movie” he presses play. I didn't even know we had homemade movies.
“Thank you baby for giving me such a perfect little Princess” I hear my father's voice coming from the TV, it's funny how no matter how many years goes by his voice never changed. I turn towards the TV to see a woman rocking a baby in her arms. I can't see the woman's face because her long brown hair is covering her face. Something inside of me tells me that I don't need to see her face to know who she is. I feel my eyes burning with tears.
“Mommy loves you princess Jane” the woman dips her head to give baby Jane a kiss on the forehead. I try to get a better view of her face but her hair is draping around her face. Warm tears start falling uncontrollably down my face. Her voice draws me in like honey draws in bees. Before I even realize I'm kneeling down in front of the TV trying to catch a better glance of her. “Is that mom?” I choke out as I trace her image on the TV. This is the first time I hear her voice. It sounds so sweet like an angle singing a baby to sleep. Even tho I can't see her face I can tell she was beautiful.
“And daddy loves both of you” my dad says right before the video shuts down.
“Yeah that was mom” his voice comes out raspy. Why haven't I seen this video before? Are there more? I turn to face him “Why are you watching this?”. Why now? For the first time in my life I can see the broken man that is my father. He reminds me of.. of... me. Oh god! How didn't I see it before? “That was the happiest I've ever been in my life” he admits. My heart reaches out to his. I know that pain very well. I walk over to him and lay my head on his lap “What happen?”. I want to know everything I have so many questions but I'm not going to push him.
“You look just like her you know?” he says as he combs my hair back it reminds me of when he use to do my hair. He can do a hell of a pony tail and don't let me get started on the pigtails. I'm definite dying my hair back to my natural color now that I know I got it from my mom.
“You've always looked like your mom even back then when you were only a day old. We didn't have much back then but I was so happy to have my two girls home. I was working a 9 to 5 job but that wasn't enough. Your mother wanted to drop out of school to help me but I didn't let her. I wanted your mom to finish school. We both were so young we had no idea how difficult having a baby was, don't get me wrong I don't regret having you, ever. You were and still are the best thing that has ever happen in my life,” he says as my tears fall on to his lap. Even after everything I have done he still thinks I'm the best thing that has happen to him. I'm afraid to talk I don't want him to stop talking.
“I was responsible for you and your mom. I had to make sure there was food on our table and a roof over our heads. I didn't want your mom to drop out of school because she was a smart cookie she had it in her to make it far in life. I knew that if she dropped out there was no way she would ever go back. So I decided to get another job to keep us from living under a bridge and even with two jobs I still wasn't making enough. One day while I was in my second job a coworker came up to me and offer me a way to win some extra money by selling drugs. I refuse at first but then everything started to pile up and we didn't have help it was only me and your mom. So I agreed it's not like I could of gotten a third job. I was exhausted as it was. In the beginning it was just a few bags and a little extra cash. I was in no danger and I was supporting my family the best way I could but then the bags got bigger and so did the cash”
“One night while your mom was cleaning the house she found my secret stash let's just say she wasn't happy about it. We fought about it every night and day. I promised her that I was going to stop it was only something temporary. I never plan for this to get out of hand this was only suppose to be until I was off my feet but then your mom left us. I had no idea how to raise a baby especially a girl. That's when Nina came in she offer to give me a hand. She would take care of you while I was working. I used to get up at 5 in the morning every day to get you ready, drop you off at Nina's, and go to work. I worked all day until midnight. When I picked you up from Nina's you would be sleeping. So basically you were always sleeping when I was with you. You were growing up so fast and I was missing everything. I was so busy working that I didn't even get to enjoy you. That's when I decided to quit my jobs so I could spend time with you. I didn't want you to grow up with out a mom and a dad. That's when I started to hustle in the streets. I know that is not a excuse for what I did but that was my way out at the time” he finish.
I don't know what to say. I've always thought my father picked this job because he was power hungry. Turns out that he did all of this for me. “I'm sorry Papi” I apologizes into his lap. If it wasn't for me he would probably had a different life. He could have been the best doctor out there or the best lawyer. I guess we will never know what he could have been. “Look at me Princess,” he lifts me from his lap “this isn't your fault I took the easy way out well at least I thought it was the easy way out. We're all responsible for our own actions. You baby girl are choosing the best path for you and don't forget that. I'm so proud of the woman that you are today I guess I did something right after all huh?”.
He is proud of me? I can't believe it. I'm shocked due to everything he has shared with me. My heart is so full of love and sorrow for him. I see my father in a different light if only I would of knew all this from the start. Things would have been different. I understand his choices now it must have been hard to be a single father at such a young age and have no support. I fly into his arms wrapping my arms around him “Te amo papi” I lay my head on his shoulder and smell him in. “I love you too Princes” he says back. I've never been so proud to call him my father. “I promise to tell you the whole story when it's time” he pats my back. With what he just shared with me is enough. He has never shared anything with me about his life. “Now go to bed it's been a long day” he gives me a kiss on the head. It has been a long day filled with lots of surprises. “Breakfast tomorrow?” I say as I stand.
“Of course” his voice comes out croaky. I know that he needs to be alone to pull himself together. I can just imagine how hard it must have been for him to share some of his story. I give him his goodnight kiss and walk to my room.