Chapter 1 Jane
Why am I outside a funeral home? How did I even get here? I don't even remember changing into this black dress this morning. Who are these people and why are they all wearing white? Am I the only one wearing black? My curiosity gets the best of me and before I know it I'm walking through the double doors. I walk right into a dark room, the only light source in here is coming from the candles, which happens to be everywhere. In the middle of the room there are 6 rows of empty chairs. The only row that has people sitting in it is the first row. I can't really see who is sitting there since their backs are turn towards me. In the right corner of the room I see a crowd of people, all wearing white, surrounding a table. All I hear around me is people crying and stuffy nose. I make my way over to the table to see what's the commotion about. “Excuse me” I try getting pass them but no one moves. “He was a good guy” an older lady says to another. “Yes he was, his downfall was falling in love with that girl, she was the death of him” she replies while cleaning her nose with a tissue. Who are they talking about? I try standing on my toes to get a view of the picture in front of them but I can't see nothing.
“Oh god why!” some one screams from behind me. My head quickly turns to where the screaming came from. The scream came from the girl in the first row she is crying uncontrollably her shoulders are moving as she snobs into her hands. She sounds like she just got her heart ripped out of her chest and stomped on. I don't know why but her cries are calling me in like a banshee, so with out even thinking about it I walk towards her. My legs stop moving as soon as I reach her. All I need to do is take one step to see her face but I can't move something is holding me back. The girl is sitting down with her face in her hands as she cries “Why? Just tell me why?” she asks the man next to her. That voice sounds familiar where have I herd it before? The man wraps his arm around her trying to comfort her.
I walk around them to get a better view and my heart drops to the floor. I know them it's Sophia and the guy next to her is Logan. He is wearing big dark sunglasses that covers half his face. “Sofy? What's wrong?” my voice comes out in a whisper. I kneel down in front of her keeping my hands on my lap. “It's my fault” she snobs ignoring my question. What's her fault? Where is Gabe? Shouldn't he be here? I look around the room but don't find him. “No,” Logan quickly adds“if there is anyone to blame here it's her” he says with his voice deep with emotion. What are they talking about? Sophia lifts her head to look at Logan. She has black streaks running down her face due to her mascara, her eyes are red and puffy due to all the crying she has done.“I should of never brought her into our life maybe Gabe would still be alive”.
Those words hit me so hard that they knock me down on my ass I feel all air leave my lungs.“Gabe is dead?” I ask. That can't be true he can't be dead. No one answers my question it seems like they don't even notice that I'm standing here. This can't be true. “Where is he?” I ask more aggressively this time. I'm fighting back my own tears I don't want to cry because this isn't true Gabe isn't dead. He can't be.“Why the fuck is no one answering me?” I yell from the top of my lungs as I look around the room daring some one to look at me but no one answers they don't even look my way. “What the fuck?” I whisper to myself. If no one is going to tell me where he is than I'll just have to go look for him myself.
I stand up and look around the room hoping to find my answer. That's when I see a white coffin surrounded by white roses and candles. Where did this come from? It wasn't here when I walked in or was it? Oh god! That can't be him. My stomach drops to the floor I think I'm going to be sick. My heart is pounding so hard that I'm sure everyone can hear it. I need to go see for myself who is in there. I have to fight my own legs for control every step I take they want to give up on me. My eyes are full with tears but I refuse to let them fall because that's not Gabe in there. After what seems like a life time I finally make it to the coffin. All I need to do is look down to see who is in there but my body is paralyze I have no control over it. Come on Jane you can do this just look down. I can do this on the count of 3. I take in a deep breath as I count in my head. When I get to the number 3 I dip my head to look inside.
Oh god! My legs finally give up dropping me on my knees. It's Gabe! “Oh god Gabe” I say as tears finally start rolling down my face. It seems like he is sleeping but I know better. He is wearing a white tux and his hair is comb back. He looks so handsome like always. I caress his face with my shaky hand. He is so cold like ice. “I'm so sorry” I say as sobs rip up my throat. I lay my head on top of his coffin like I used to lay it on his chest. Only this time there is no heartbeat to welcome me. Just the thought that I will never hear his heartbeat again breaks something inside of me. Every one is right I did this. I killed him. All I want to do is stay here with him until I join him.
“Murder!” Sophia yells. I turn around to find her pointing straight at me. “You killed him” she says with so much venom that cuts right through me. I give Gabe one last glance before standing and facing her “Sofy I didn't want this to happen”. I take a step towards her but she takes one back. I stop right in my track she doesn't want me near her. That hurts more than her words. “How dare you show your face around here murder” she spits. Every time she calls me a murder it's like she stabs me with a knife. She hates me and she has all the reason too. “Murder!” some one yells behind her as they point at me. “No I didn't mean too” I say as tears roll down my face. I didn't want this to happen. I love him. “You have my brothers blood on your hands” Sophia yells as her shaky finger points at me. No I didn't kill him! I wipe my face and notice my hands cover in blood. Where did this come from?
“No” I cry as I walk backwards staring at my hands. They're cover in blood. His blood. I run my hands down my dress trying to clean them off. “Murder, murder” everyone starts to chant as they walk towards me. “No! I didn't do it” I say as my back hits the wall. Everyone keeps walking towards me calling me a murder pointing their fingers at me. Sophia and Logan are chanting with the rest of the crowd looking at me with so much hatred. “No, no” I drop to the floor. I wrap my arms around my legs and start rocking myself. I didn't mean to kill him. I love him. I love him! My love killed him.
“NOOO!” the sound of my own voice wakes me up. My eyes fly open only to be greeted by darkness. My heart is beating so hard it feels like it's going to come out of my chest, cold sweat is dripping from my forehead all the way down my neck, and I'm out of breath. It takes me a few minutes to calm down and realizes it was just a nightmare. The same nightmare I've been having every night since that awful day. My whole room is dark the only light source in here is coming from my clock. I turn to see the time and the clock reads 3 am. This is just great there is no way I'll go back to sleep now. I never do.
It has been 2 long dreadful months since the day I lost Gabe. You know how they say that the pain gets easier with time? Well sorry to inform you that it's all bull shit if anything the pain gets worst. I've come to a point in my life where I don't mind the pain any more. It has become a reminder of what I've lost and will never get back. At least I know it was real. That he was real. I lay back down and stare at the darkness which has become my new friend. I see it and feel it. Living without Gabe has been the hardest thing I've ever have to do in my life. I was used to having Gabe around that now that I don't have him I don't know how to go on with my life.
So far I have gone through 3 different stages of grief.
Stage one: Isolation. For the first couple of days I locked myself in the room ignoring everyone and everything around me. I woke up and fell asleep crying. No eating, no sunlight, I didn't even bother taking showers. What for? It's not like I cared what people thought. I've mourn Gabe all by myself. I had no one to talk to or no one to comfort me when I needed. I didn't have no one to hug me at night and tell me everything was going to be alright that I was going to get through this. Nope it was only me.
Stage two: Anger. After I ran out of tears the anger came. I was angry with Mark, life, but mostly myself because I could of prevent all of this. All I wanted to do was hit something to get my frustration out. That's where kickboxing came in. I would be in the gym for hours just kicking and boxing my pain away. The first couple of days my body was so sore that just breathing hurt but I welcome the pain. Any pain is better than the one I carry inside of me but that didn't last long either. Unlike the heart the body gets used to the pain you put it through.
Which leads me to
Stage 3: Alcohol. Trust me when I say drinking is never the answer but alcohol is my medicine. Even if it's just for a short period of time it numbs the pain and I'll take that over being in pain all day. Anytime I start to feel anything I go straight for a bottle to drown my feelings it helps me forget how fucked up my life is. I didn't know how fucked up this situation really was until the day I walked in to that office.
2 months ago....
“You?” I choked out. What the hell is going on? How is this possible? “Hi, Princess,” my father smiles at me from his chair “maybe you should take a seat”. I can't find the strength to move. I was prepare to face any one even the devil himself but not him. It never cross my mind that he was behind all of this. He walks around the desk and pulls a chair for me. “How?” I finally manage to ask with out moving from my spot. “Sit down and I'll explain everything” he motions to the chair. I really don't feel like sitting down but my legs don't agree with me so I take a seat. I don't know if I should be happy to see my father again or if I should be angry with him. “It's good to see you again Princess” he said with a smile on his face. I wrap my arms around myself to stop from jumping into his arms. For the first time in my life I need him to be my father and only that. I need him to comfort me and tell me everything is going to be fine. I need him to make this go away like he used to do when I was younger and had a bad day. He would always find a way to cheer me up but I'm not that little naive girl anymore. I know he can't fix this. No one can.
“How?” I asked with a firm voice that even takes me by surprised. I sound so strong but in the inside I'm dying. He gets up and walks towards the liquor cabinet “Where should I start?” I stare at the back of his head as he pours out some whiskey. “From the beginning” I said through clench teeth. I want to know everything. He turns around with his drink in one hand and the bottle in the other “Alright let's start from the day of your birthday party shall we?”. What does that day have to do with everything that is going on now? My face must of given me away because he answers my un-ask question “I knew you were going to run away” he takes the seat next to me. My shoulders drops. He knew? How? Why didn't he stopped me? “I knew you had something up your sleeves that whole week you were acting strange. The day of the party I hire extra people to keep an eye open. After everyone left I went upstairs to check up on you because I had a feeling something was wrong and that's when I noticed that you were missing. I called my men and order them to find you. I had some one go to the airport just in case you decided to go there,” as he said that my stomach turns upside down. I feel like I'm going to be sick.
“Once they called to confirm that you were at the airport I order them to follow you. I was originally going to make them bring you back home but after reading that letter I couldn't” he stops to take a sip of his drink. He had me followed? By who? No he is lying I never saw no one chasing me. “That's where Mark comes in. He was already at the airport when you got there I had him hide from you. I order him to follow you where you were going. His job was to keep an eye on you and keep me informed” he adds. Oh my God everything makes sense now! How did I miss it? That's why it seemed like Mark was always around because he was! That was his job. He was babysitting me. He was never my friend. He probably would never even talked to me if it wasn't for my dad. I never really got away from my father he made me believed I did. Everything was a lie. I feel like some one just pour a cold gallon of water all over me.
My dad pours out more whiskey but this time instead of drinking it himself he slides it over to me. The sound of the glass scratching the desk as it slides over to me snaps me out of my thoughts. I take a sip of the whiskey and concentrated on the burning sensation instead of everything he just confess. “You getting a job there was a coincidence by the way. When Mark called me and told me about the man who chased you I knew it was time to bring you back home. My plan was to bring you home right away but than everything started to get complicated so I had to deal with that first” he said ever so calmly.
So he didn't send him? So who was he? How did he know my name? What did he want from me? And most importantly who was he working for? “Why let me go in the first place if you were going to control my every move?” I ask as I tighten my hold on the drink. Why make me believe in a lie? “Like I said after I read your letter I realized how important this was for you. I decided to let you have the opportunity to experience the world but I wasn't going to throw you out there with out no protection” he reach for the cup. I'm holding it so tight that my knuckles are turning white.
I was so stupid how didn't I notice it before? Everything was so easy, me getting away and him never coming after me. He was always in control of my life even when I was miles away from him.
“What about you getting capture?” I ask. That is the only piece left of the puzzle missing. What was the point of him doing that? “The day before that happen some one called to informed me that the FBI was on there way. I'm tired of running and hiding all I want is to enjoy my life. I want you to be free from all of this crap so I came up with a plan to make them believed they capture me after all no one knows who El Rey really is” he shrugs his shoulders like if it was nothing. Some one is in jail right now pretending to be him how is that nothing? “What?” I ask in disbelief. I can't believe this my father is an evil genius he had everything planned out. “How could you dad?” I asked in total shocked. He rubs the back of his neck trying to relief some stress “Princess, I'm sorry if I hurt you in anyway but I'm not sorry for what I did”.
I have to stop myself from laughing at him of course he isn't sorry for what he did. He always thinks he is right and to be clear he didn't hurt me, he killed me. He wasn't the one who shot Gabe but it's his fault it happen. He is the one to blame for everything. He stares into my eyes searching for the old me but once he realize that there is nothing there he breaks eye contact. “I'm glad you're here princess” he tries reaching for my hand but I pull away.