How to Get Your Ex Lover Back by Hazli Khalim - HTML preview

Chapter Three -The Coffee Date

If al goes well with the phone cal , you are ready to move on to the next step, which is the coffee date. You need to place another cal to your ex lover and ask them, in a nonchalant way, if they would like to meet you for coffee. Tell them that you are going to be in the neighborhood and it would be nice to see them again, just for coffee.

Make sure that you put a time limit on this date. Say something like you are going to be in the neighborhood on some business and thought you could kil an hour with him or her for coffee. The purpose of the coffee date is for your lover to see you again and rekindle his or her feelings for you.

There is an old saying “out of sight, out of mind.” This rings true with some love that has not yet had a chance to flourish. There are many reasons why relationships end. In most cases, they end because the romance has not yet had a chance to flourish. Either the relationship was consummated too early or just didn’t have time to plant good roots. In some cases, the other person got frightened of the closeness that was developing.

Many people think that once a relationship ends, it is over, finished forever.

There are so many cases where people have gotten back together after a split.

In many of those cases, they realized that they wanted to continue the relationship after they saw each other again after a few weeks or even months apart. The latest feelings of either anger or being frightened were surmounted by feelings that had surfaced when they first met.

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So you want to give them a cal and ask them to do coffee. Act like you are calling a friend to do coffee. You have to emphasize that you are going to be around, it would be nice to see them and that you only have time for coffee. Do not tel them what your business is. You can just say that it is “something for work.”

You should wait a decent interval after the after break up phone cal to make the cal to ask for the coffee date. You might even get a cal before then. If you do, we wil be discussing that behavior in the following chapter.

Do not sound desperate to see them and do not be disappointed if they cannot make it. Do not say “some other time,” either. This also reeks of desperation.

You invited him or her to coffee - you did not propose marriage. It is up to them to offer “some other time.”

If they say yes, set a time and date and then get off the phone as soon as possible. You can tell them that you are looking forward to seeing them again, but make sure it doesn’t sound like you’l be bringing a Priest for your coffee date. You are going to have to behave like you are going out with a friend.

If he or she declines, note whether they give you a reason. No matter what, do not act crushed or upset. Be very casual about it. Continue with a bit more smal talk and then tell them that you have to go. You can try again in another month.

The trick of the coffee date phone cal is to act unaffected. Either your http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

ex is dying to see you, is a bit curious to see how you are doing or is indifferent. You want to make sure that you act as nonplussed as possible.

Remember to play it cool, whether or not you agree to the coffee date.

Now, if your ex says that he or she wil “think about it” you have to continue to play it cool. Respond with “it’s not big deal. If you want, I am going to Starbucks on Saturday morning. Maybe you can meet me there?

The reason for this is to give your ex a choice. They may be hemming and hawing about whether or not they want to see you but this puts it right on the line. If they say that they “may” be there, you have another bit of work to do.

So it may be yes, no or maybe. If you had a decent relationship, he or she wil probably consent to the meeting. Remember to make it on a morning for an hour. This is just like you are experiencing an online date.

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Chapter Four – The Post Breakup Meeting Date Assuming that your ex tel s you that they want to see you for the coffee date, make sure that you look your best but do not look too “over the top.” Dress normal y, take care with your hair and appearance but do not buy a new outfit or look extra glamorous. Remember, the secret word here is

“cool.”

You have to play it cool. Get to the coffee shop a little late. Breeze in like you are in a hurry and have a ton of things to do. Do not be overly happy to see your ex, but do not seem gloomy. You want to give off an air of confidence.

Remember, confidence is key when it comes to getting back your ex.

Always have a place to go and announce it when you arrive. Tell your ex that you are so glad to see them again and wish you had more time to talk, but at least you have time for coffee. It doesn’t matter that the coffee date was your idea and you planned the date - you are stil busy.

Do not pretend to have another date, nor should you announce that you do not have another date. It is none of his or her business what you have been doing with yourself since the two of you broke up, nor is it any of their business what you are doing now. Just as you would not spil your guts to a stranger, you should not spil them to your ex.

The purpose of the post breakup coffee date is twofold. First, you want to show your ex that you have not stopped living because of him or her. That you have move on with your life and are feeling great.

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You are not mourning him or her. Even if you stay home every night crying in your pillow, you have to act like you are having the time of your life.

Second, you want to give your ex the chance to see the new, confident you. This is why you should look your best, but not in a contrived way. You do not want your ex to think that you are actively enticing him or her. You want them to see what they are missing and admire your confidence.

At one time, your ex lover loved you. There was something about you that they liked. Those qualities are stil there, you just have to get him or her to see them again.

You should be amiable at the coffee date and positive. Avoid any type of negative conversation as this wil only make you appear unattractive to your ex.

Avoid asking the following:

Are you going out with anyone now? Do

you miss me?

Do you think we should go back out?

You do not want to be the leader in any of these conversation topics. Your ex made the decision to stop seeing you. In most cases, it was because you were too needy and your ex felt trapped. You want to stop giving the impression that you are needy and avoid any type of needy conversation.

In addition to avoiding asking the following questions, you should also http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

avoid revealing any information that implies you have been sitting around and waiting for your ex to come back. Avoid the temptation to say that you have not been out with anyone else. Nor should you lie and invent a string of lovers.

Remember confidence is essential during this meeting. If you have never been confident before, now is the time to start.

It is one thing to act with confidence. It is another thing to actualy be confident. Take the next chapter’s tips on how to actual y gain some confidence for yourself before you have this meeting. And do not al ow your ex to shake your confidence that you have in yourself.

There are three ways that this type of meeting can turn out. They are as follows:

Your ex can rekindle their feelings for the new, confident you; your ex can be glad that he or she dumped you;

The entire thing can turn into a screaming fest and you are asked to leave the coffee shop.

Obviously, you want the first scenario to occur. This is why you must retain your confidence no matter what happens. Even if your ex tel s you that he or she is going out with someone else, do not lose your cool. Do not say that you, too, have been seeing someone. In fact, you can say that you are disappointed, without seeming overly affected, whiny or morose.

You wil natural y be nervous at this meeting and may prefer having a drink over coffee, but you should avoid liquor at al costs. Liquor wil http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

release your inhibitions. When this happens, you may turn into a crying and begging drunk. This is sure to turn off your ex and make you feel awful -

both physical y and mental y the next day.

This post breakup meeting is essential to show your ex that you are stil around, stil looking good and have not crawled into a hole and died because of his or her rejection. At the end of the date, you should try to pick up on the cues that he or she set forth during the date as to how the relationship wil go.

The fact that your ex showed up for the coffee meeting is a good sign. They may be thinking the same as you. Take note as to how they are dressed. Did they, too, go out of their way to make themselves look nice? Pick up on cues, but make sure that your ex makes the first move.

Do not leave the date pleading for a second. You should let them talk. Tell them that it was nice seeing them again but avoid asking for another date or if the two of you can get back together. If he or she does not make the move to ask for a date, leave it alone. You can always try another phone cal a few weeks from now, tel them that you enjoyed the coffee date and then ask to see them again.

If your ex has any inclination of getting back with you, then he or she wil let you know, in some way, either during the meeting or after. Even if your ex does not make the move during the coffee date, they might give you a cal a few days later.

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Chapter Five - Avoid The Friendship Trap

Two people go out with one another. They have a romantic relationship.

One of them decides that the relationship is not for them. Can they be friends?

The answer is “yes,” if the two have fuly moved on and neither one of them has any desire to continue the relationship. But this seldom happens when the breakup first occurs. Two people can be friends, but not until al the dust has cleared.

Many people make the mistake to hang onto the other person as “friends” so that they can stil be around them. They ask for friendship and are adamant that they do not want anything more. Even at the expense of their own feelings, they take the second option and feign friendship, but what they real y want is love.

Avoid the friend trap. It is not fair to you or your ex. Unless you are going to be jumping for joy over their new relationship, then you are not their friend.

Because a friend would not be brimming with jealousy, but would be happy for their friend and their new relationship. And what usual y happens is that the entire friendship explodes when one of the parties gets another love interest, the ex gets al upset. This upsets the person who thought that they had a friend, instead of a jealous ex lover hanging around. This not only causes bad feelings al around, but can also doom any type of future relationship that might have developed had it not been for the false friendship.

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Sure, you can be friends with your ex but after you are over with them. But chances are that there wil be little reason to be friends once you have moved on to other lovers.

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Chapter Six – How To Get Confidence

Remember, confidence is key. But just how do you manage to get confidence?

After all, your confidence has pretty much been shattered after your ex broke your heart. This is enough to take the wind right out of your sails. But that does not mean that it has to be that way for long. You need to find ways to regain your confidence.

One way that you can use to regain your confidence is to find something that you like to do, can do wel , and do it. If you have ever wanted to take up a hobby, now is the time. No matter what type of hobby it is, it wil do double duty. It wil keep your mind off of the breakup and wil also add to your self esteem. The more you get absorbed in your hobby, the better you wil feel. The less you wil think about the person who broke your heart and the more that you wil think about you.

You cannot expect your ex lover to want to come back to you if you are a broken, defeated and miserable person. This is unattractive in anyone.

People are attracted to others who exhibit confidence in themselves. You must have this type of confidence in order to get back with your ex, as wel as for your own self esteem.

In addition to getting a hobby, start to pamper yourself. Listen to music that you like and sing along. Singing is actual y an excel ent exercise and can boost your energy level as wel as endorphins. It can pull you out of a depression that is so easy to get into when you have been jilted. Rent or buy movies that you like and watch them. Treat yourself to entertainment that is happy and wil get your mind off of

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your problems.

Take a trip to the salon or barber and get a new style. Resist the urge to cut off your hair or dye it some odd color. Just take a beauty treatment. This wil make you feel better. If money is tight, go to a beauty school for this treatment. They work under the supervision of licensed professionals and wil give you the same treatment as you can expect in a salon. Get a pedicure, manicure or a massage.

This wil make you feel good physical y.

You might want to spend a little money and get yourself a new outfit. This can also make you feel better about yourself. By pampering yourself and doing things that you like to do, including hobbies, you wil regain confidence that you may have lost when the relationship ended.

Many people wil latch on to another person when they lose the comfort of a steady relationship. While some rebound relationships do work out, you are better off to rejuvenate your confidence before you even consider embarking on another relationship. Even if you get over your ex, you should resist the urge to lose yourself in the arms of someone else.

Confidence stems from liking yourself and knowing what you want. You have probably heard this before many times, but you cannot expect anyone else to like you unless you like yourself. Before you have the meeting with the ex, even before the phone call, be sure to do something for yourself to restore your confidence level.

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Chapter Seven – Elements Of Love

They say that the course of true love never goes smooth. But that does not mean that your entire love life has to be a drama fest. There are two basic elements to love - mutual attraction and timing. In order for the love affair to work, both of these have to be in synch.

If there is no mutual attraction, it is very unlikely that there wil be a love affair at al . While there are many stories of people who began as friends and then turned into lovers, you wil find that there was an attraction between at least one of the parties when they met. The timing may have been off and they became friends, usual y due to other people in their lives. But there was an initial attraction.

If the attraction is there, then the timing has to also be there. This means that both of the parties have to be ready to fall in love.

There

should be nothing to stand in the way of the relationship. This means that al previous relationship matters should have been settled.

With both of these elements in synch, the two people have an excellent chance of falling love and developing a lasting relationship. People do not want to be alone - we are social creatures. When we find someone who we like and who likes us in return, we go out of our way to make the relationship work. Most people wil make concessions in their own behavior to accommodate the relationship. While you do not want to compromise your principals for the relationship, you do not want to be unyielding. Most people who are entering a relationship are flexible. As they get to know one another more, they begin to let out more of their true feelings and behavior. By this time, they are so http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

used to one another that they may be wil ing to overlook things that might have turned them off of the relationship had they known at the beginning.

Without the elements of love, you cannot expect the relationship to be able to work. In some cases, however, the timing can be fixed. In some cases, the timing is off in the beginning of the relationship but things change later that makes the relationship possible. This is why the post breakup date is so important. It gave the other person to rethink their own personal timing and see if things have changed.

Some people who break up get back months or even years later after the timing is corrected. This does not mean that you should wait for someone to change their minds and not get on with your life, but it does mean that there are times when two people who broke up because the timing for the relationship was not right, get back together when the timing issue corrects itself.

While you do not want to wait around forever for someone to decide to come back to you, nor feign friendship when you want romance, by remaining on friendly terms with your ex, you may give the relationship another chance if the timing issues work out.

There is no big mystery when it comes to the elements of love. It is al about timing and mutual attraction.

If the mutual attraction was there to begin with, and your lover left because he or she said they were not ready for a relationship, stil had issues with a past lover or just did not feel like they wanted to settle http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

down, you have hope for a relationship with them in the future if the timing issue straightens itself out.

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Chapter Eight – Behaviour To Avoid

While it is natural for you to want to know everything that your ex is doing as your heart is breaking, or for you to want to cal him or her and try to talk to them, you do not want to pester your ex lover to the point where they feel you are threatening or stalking. Nor do you want to plead and beg for their love as this wil only make things worse in their eyes. The fol owing are examples of behavior to avoid:

Repeated phone calls

This is easy to do. You cal up and have a conversation with them that is not satisfactory and end up hanging up. Then you cal back to apologize or to clarify something because you feel bad and he or she does not answer the phone. You hang up. Then you decide to leave a message and call again. You cal again and there is no answer and you leave a message. Then you wait for them to cal you back. When they do not return the call, you cal again. This is an example of repeated cal ing. It can be deemed as harassing if your ex lover calls the police.

This is one of the worst things that you can do when you are trying to get back your ex lover. In the heat of the moment, when your emotions are running high, it is easy to fall into this trap. Avoid it at al costs.

Driving past their house

This is like sticking bamboo under your fingernails and lighting it. Why torture yourself? If you see their car there, you wil wonder what he or she is doing. If you see a strange car, you wil wonder if they have http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

a date. And if you see no car, you wil wonder where they are. Stop wasting gas mileage and your time by driving back and forth past their house. Not only is it a waste of time, but if they see you do this, they wil not feel flattered, but threatened.

Calling family members

Caling or emailing their family members and friends and trying to get them to intercede on your behalf or using them as a sounding board to tel them what an awful person your ex is in an effort to get their attention is a bad idea. If you want to tell your ex off, do so to their face and not to their relatives. And if you care about your ex at all, you wil not put his or her relatives or friends in the awkward position of trying to relay information. No one wil want to get involved, your ex wil get mad at you for this attempt to try to get to them through their friends and you wil lessen the chances of the two of you ever getting back together.

Send gifts or flowers

Men are more guilty of this than women. No amount of flowers or gifts is going to bring your lover back to you unless they are ready to come back to you. Save your money and your time and stop sending flowers or gifts in an effort to win her back.

Cyber stalking

Do not start Googling your ex and showing up on their new Facebook or Myspace. Do not follow them onto dating sites and pretend to be http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

someone else. This is a total waste of time and wil lessen any chance of rekindling your relationship. Allow your ex to be your ex. If he or she is on your Facebook page as a friend already, you do not have to kick them off and block them. Just ignore them and do not stalk their pages, or the pages of their friends.

Threaten suicide

Threatening suicide is much more likely to land you in the psyche ward of the local hospital instead of back in the arms of your ex lover. Do you real y want someone back this way? And do you want to put your ex lover in the position of having to cal the police to stop your suicide attempt? And who wants to go out with someone who is completely insane? This is a very bad idea. If you truly have suicidal thoughts because of your ex lover, you need to go to the ER. This is how you get help. You should not use the suicidal thoughts as a tool to get back with your ex - this wil never work.

Go out with their friends for spite

Leave their friends alone. Hopping into bed with their brother, sister, cousin, best friend or mother is not the way to get them back or get some sort of twisted revenge. It is merely bringing some other innocent party into the melee. Do not go out with their friends or family members as a way to get them back or to get back at them.

Rush back to them if they call

If, for some reason, your ex cals you, you should not rush to cal them http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

back. You should play it cool. In some cases, the ex wil want to gratify his or her ego and call to see if you are stil pining for them. Do not fall into that trap.

If your ex calls you, you can cal back (but not right away) and see what they want. If they suggest that you get back together, suggest the coffee date. Do not immediately jump back with them as they may then decide that they can string you along like a yo-yo.

Obviously, any type of violence or criminal defacement should be avoided.

Many people resort to this as a way to get some attention from their ex lover, even if it is negative attention. This is obviously behavior that you want to avoid when you are dealing with your ex lover or anyone else. Remember, the objective is to be facing him or her in the coffee shop - not the courtroom.

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Chapter Nine – A True Success Story

I have many true stories when it comes to people who have gotten back with their ex lovers and who have followed the advice as outlined in this book. The best success story that I can share is that of my son and his girlfriend.

My son and his girlfriend had a fight and she broke up with him. He was shattered. They had been together a year and a half and she was only his second serious girlfriend. He did not know what to do and went through the gamut of emotions but because he knew that I had successful y coached others to get back together after a breakup, he decided, for once in his life, to take my advice.

He was devastated when she put herself as “single” on her Myspace page.

But he did not kick her off as his friend. He did not cal her repeatedly and went for two weeks without cal ing her at al . Each day, he used my support as well as that of his friends to fight any urge to contact her.

He did get in touch with her after two weeks. He talked to her and they decided to stay as friends. He then went on with his life with his friends, while casual y keeping in touch. He did not do the coffee date right away because he knew that she was not ready to get back together with him.

When he found out she was dating someone else, he was upset, but stil continued with his life. He even started taking interests in other girls. He began dating again casual y, but he stil loved his ex http://mybreakuptomakeup.com

girlfriend.

About 6 months after they had broken up, he found out from a friend that she never real y liked the guy she dated after him (it was a rebound relationship) and cal ed her for the coffee date. She went. They went to a local coffee shop and had a nice time out. A few days after that, she cal ed him. Then the cal s went back and forth for quite some time. All this time my son insisted that they were just friends and not dating.

Then they started going out to different places together, to the movies or out to dinner. This continued for about a month. The entire time my son said they were not dating and kept things cool. He stil continued to go out with his friends and have a life of his own, but he did not date any other girls.

On Valentine’s Day of last year, they decided to get back together as boyfriend and girlfriend. This was a little less than a year after they broke up. This Valentine’s Day, they celebrated their new “anniversary” and my son gave her an engagement ring.

This is one of many success stories that occurred because someone followed the advice in this book. My son was successful at getting back with his ex girlfriend because the timing issue resolved itself, both of them matured a bit, and neither one of them resorted to bad behavior during the breakup. The first thing I told my son when he said they broke up was to follow my advice and not contact her begging and pleading. Of al the people I helped reunite with their ex lovers, this was the most gratifying for me.

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As long as you follow the outline in this book and do not display any of the inappropriate behavior that is il ustrated here, you have a good chance of getting back with your ex. The hardest part is the no contact rule that you must maintain after the break up. Remember the example that I gave of the Law and Order episode and start working on reuniting the minute that you discover about the breakup, and you have a better chance of winning your appeal to get back together.

Build up your confidence, spend some time alone, discover hobbies and things that you like to do that do not involve your ex and fight off any urge to behave badly and you can get back together with your ex. If you do not get back together with them, remember that you wil stil have emerged a healthier and more confident person who wil be al the more ready for their next relationship.

Remember to keep your friends close and use them as well as your family members as a support group during the trying time of the breakup. Remember that your friends and family are there for you to try to help you through this time. Lean on them, follow the lessons in this book, build up you own self confidence a