“Nan!” I yield jumping up and walking over to my Nana, who always looked great in her M&S finest. Nan was like me in the way that she didn't need expensive clothes to make her happy and enjoyed just shopping down the high streets.
She hugged me tightly and said “You look lovely Hun, honestly you look thinner. Are you ok? You have been eating properly right?”
She was always worried about me. Nana and Granddad always say “Living in London is very bad for you. Come and live with us” as tempting as it would be, living back with my Grandparents, I would hate what my Mum and Dad would think and say. “Oh I know she couldn't live on her own. It was only time before she came running back” and I didn't want to prove them right.
“Yes Nana, I have” I replied
“Well you look great” she said kindly looking me up and down. Thinking about it I have lost a little weight over the months, very since I started walked really. It was always cars, buses and trains but only recently, my landlord told me the rent to my apartment has gone up and everything else in this bloody country, I'm finding myself penniless.
Don't get me wrong Christian pays me well, I mean for most receptionists in London I'm not doing bad atoll. But when I first left my parents I started off with nothing as my Dad cut me off and I didn't want to take my Granddads money. Even if he had so much of it. So I got out a few Loans from the banks and with the interest adding and the cost of living in London I've managed to get myself into some... well allot of debt.
So I decided to walk allot of places and cut back of the amount I spend on transport. And food.
Yer it makes me tired and sometimes if we work late in the office I get the train or Chris gets one of his drivers to drive me. Which is nice of him, but I guess I'm killing two birds with one stone. Saving money and losing weight.
“I am between a 12 and 14 now so I guess that’s good for me' I said
“It's not just that love, it's something else. I can't tell but you look... happier. Your face is glowing. Wait you’re not pregnant are you?” she said in a shocked voice and putting her hand on my belly. Yer because she would be able to tell if I was pregnant by doing that! Hint the sarcasm
'No Nan I'm not pregnant” I said rolling my eyes and moving her hand away.
“But is there someone... are you in love or something” my Nan said in a joking voice.
I'm kind of used to her asking this question but in the last year I've found it so hard to lie to her. I look in my nanas eyes thinking if I should just tell her the truth. It would be nice if someone could help me get over Chris, if they can. Just to have someone, to tell me what I should do.
How would I tell her that I have serious issues with, being in love with my sister's boyfriend? That is also my boss. That is also my Granddads working partner.
I can't tell her or anyone this. I need to get over it myself. If I can just 'get over it'. I've laid in bed so many nights thinking to myself that;
This is it! I am no longer going to be in love with Christian Howard! It is just a crush and will only lead to heartache, on my side. You don't Love him, you don't.
Then by the next day at work I would be thinking the same thing as before. I'm not in love with him. It was just a silly little crush. Done!
Then Chris would walk in and give one of his amazing smiles that make girls go week and the knees and I know I can't lie to myself.
I love him and I'll never get over it.
The heartache. I can handle it. I think.
“No Nana, there isn't anyone”
“There will be soon. Maybe even at the end of this holiday if your Grandfather has his way” she said
“Oh no”
“Don't be angry at him love, I know he gets carried away sometimes but only because he loves you”
“I know, I know but I just feel sorry for the poor guys” I said
My Nana gave me one of them looks that says, I will hit you if you say another word. This is what it was like with my Nan I would say something about myself that I genuinely mean and she would give me all these complements that would only make me feel uncomfortable.
I'm not looking for complements or anything like that. But Nan always feels like she needs of fight my battles for me but most of my battles are with myself and what I think and say about myself.
I love her for it but its just hard work sometimes.
“Why? They get to dance and talk to you”
“Exactly”
“You my dear need to have a bit more confidence in yourself”
“Like Jess” I said looking around at Jess who was standing with a bunch of girls that looked as equally amazing as she did. I sided and then looked down at the floor.
“Ah that girl has far too much confidence' we both laughed 'you just need to believe in yourself some more”
'I... do” I hesitated saying.
“Really? Name one value you think you have, just one and I bet I can name ten to that one”
“Value?”
“One thing you like about yourself”
Ok, I can do that. One thing... I like... about myself... a value. Ok this might be harder than I thought.
My skin... too pale and sometime a spot or two. My hair... no it was a bright ginger and had a mind of its own. My nose?... No. Ok so I cannot name something but I bet lots of people can't.
“See you cannot do it can you”
“Well want does that prove?”
“That you have no confidence. I can tell you hundreds of thinks I like no love about you' she said narrowing her eyes at me.
“Oh really” I started to do the same look as her, trying to make a joke.
“YES” she said a little louder “like you have lovely hair” she said to me.
“It’s ginger Nan” I reminded her.
“It's red and like fire. I love it. Next, you have your grandfather's eyes, green with a hit of blue and when you look closer you have little sunflowers in your eyes. There is yellow in the middle.
There beautiful”
Really? Was she joking?
I've never notice that about my eyes but if I do have to say something I like about myself it is that I like my eyes. They were a little too big for my face, which is what Jess and my Mum has told me over and over again. But Nan was right I did like my eyes. I wouldn't call them beautiful but they were nice.
“I guess I like my eyes”
Nan smiled. “See we're nearly there” seeing my Nan joke around made me smile as well. She was so funny.
“There it is”
“What?” I said still smiling at her.
“The reason why you're so beautiful... That smile” she said which only made me grin even more.
“My smile?”
“When you smile its different from other people. When someone smiles it goes straight to their eyes and you can tell if it is real or for show. When you smile your whole face lights up, you shine. Your eyes brighten up and that's when they really look blue. You smile with your whole mouth, showing all those white perfect teeth. I know it sounds silly but it's true”
How has she notice all this?
“How do you know all this?” I asked
“Because I love you. When you love someone you notice all these things that others miss”
“Well I think you're the only one that sees these things Nan” other than Granddad I thought.
“I've notice others see it. When I've seen you with a group of people, joking and laughing everyone's eyes are always on you. You’re just laughing too much to notice. But its true people, well mainly men always tend to linger on your face longer than others”'
Ok, I think Nana has gone a little crazy. It must be the pressure of entertaining. No one ever notices me and I'm ok with that. I like people not putting the attention on me, I feel more comfortable.
“Nan, that's not true”
“It is and I can tell you it kills Jessica every time it happens. Notice it next time you’re in a group. When you smile, the men can't take their eyes off you and their in a glaze, just looking at you”
Thinking about it, that has happen before.
Chris has done that a lot. He tells a joke that makes me laugh so much but he never laughs just looks at me, sometimes looking shocked.
I always thought I just had something in my teeth.
Was it true? That he was in some kind of 'glaze when he saw me smiling?
No, no it wasn't my smile.
It was something in my teeth.
And Nana has gone crazy in this heat.
“I'll try and notice that next time Nan” I said, I didn't what to talk about this anymore.
“Your grandfather is right. You do need a man”
Not her too.
“Nan!”
“You do! You need someone to tell you every day how amazing you are. But who should we pick”
We both turned to look at the men in the garden.
“Ah, young Mr Minster. Lovely young man with a large loving family and very good looking. He's the captain of...”
“The Irish rugby team. Yes Grandfather has already got there before you Nan. And I don't think he's my mister right”
“Oh why he was my favourite” Nan said.
“He's lovely but I think it’s more just friends and between you and me I think he likes someone else” I wasn't going to tell Nan about my theory about Jake and Kate and I was glad that she didn't ask any questions about it.
“Find, Ok who else is there”
I started playing her game and looked at all the men in the garden pointing at them all to see what she would say.
“That one” I said pointing to a man that looked about fifty, just joking.
“Too old” she said seriously, not seeming very happy with my little joke. I laughed at her and then pointed at another guy who wasn't that bad looking from a far but still looked twice my age.
“That one”
“He drinks” she replied
It went like that for five minutes, he's too young, too old, too shy, too shallow, he gambles, he drinks, he's married, he's married and has a girlfriend. This went on and on, until we saw the group of guys near the garden bar. It was Chris and all his friends I met today; Jake, Karl, Ben, Connor, Jay and Paul.
They all looked like they were on a catwalk but at the same time, a seven man rugby team. They were all in different ways hot.
“Now this is more like it” Nan said with a big grin on her face.
“Nan I don't know how I feel about you first pimping me out too all the men in the party and you eyeing up young men that are young enough to be your grandsons”
“First I'm not pimping you out as you so put it but just lending a helping hand. I'll leave the pimping to your grandfather. And secondly I'm only picking out the good eggs from the bad. And having great fun doing so. Now let's see. We've already talked about Captain Jake, Karl Jackson is out being married and all. Connor is in love with that Lilly Minster girl”
“How do you know that?” I said, well thinking about it Nan did know everything, I have a feeling she even has Facebook.
“I've done my research Hun. I think everyone knows but her, poor thing. Anyway so he's out. Can I say that I was the one who invited all these people? I did my research on all the men and I'm on first name terms thank you”
“Hmm you're good. Ok so Jay out as well” I said thinking that he was with Kate.
“Oh he finally came out then” Nan said
WHAT?
Did Nan know what 'coming out' meant? Jay's not Gay!
“I don't know what you're talking about but Jay's with Kate, his new girlfriend”
“WHAT?” Nan looked shocked.
“Jay. Jakes brother, he's seeing a young girl called Kate, that one over there” I pointed over at Kate who was standing with Gemma and now Lilly who had joined them. They were all laughing and drinking together.
“Oh” was Nanas response. She looked away at Jay and looked very serious for a minute.
“Why? What's wrong?' I asked.
“Nothing. I just always thought he was gay” Nan said
“Jay. Gay... no Nan I think you just got confused with the names' I laughed”
“No, I differently thought he was gay. I've heard gossip from the country club”
Was she joking?
She knows my opinion on how I feel about the gossip that goes around the 'country club'. Just a bunch of desperate housewife's, whose lives were so boring and lifeless that they make up rumours about other people just to make drama and have something else to talk about and think about other than their sad lives!
Wow! Where did that come from? It must be the sun, getting me all hot and... bitchy like them.
Ah I did it again!
What's wrong with me today I'm not being myself.
“Well we all know how bad the gossips are around here” I said narrowing my eyes at my Nan trying to make her remember what happened in the past without me having to say it out loud.
Ava, Alex's mother, my Aunt told all her friends that I was a very troubled child. She didn't tell everyone what happened between me and Alex because she didn't know the truth. She only knew what Alex told her and only kept it a secret because she didn't want people gossiping about the family at the 'county club'.
Yet she did tell them that I was an alcoholic, troubled, attention seeking girl, who was very popular with them boys.
Which was all a bunch of crap!
Other gossip went around I found it hard trying to get a job around where I lived because every company had heard the rumour and didn't what an alcoholic slut working for them. Also I saw that many of my friends stopped talking to me as well. True I didn't have many anyway but the ones I had turned their back on me and I've never seen them again.
It hurts.
Having people talk about you be hide your back. Saying things you knew weren't true but could do nothing about it.
My Nan looked at me tilting my chin up and bringing her lips into a straight line. “True” Nan said then looking back around the garden I guess trying to change the subject which sorted me just fine.
“OK so that leaves Paul Minster a world traveller with the charity work, great young boy, maybe a bit young but he's very exciting, always on the move seeing new things” Nan said.
'Yer but I'm not exciting enough for him! And anyway what makes you think that he would make a good boyfriend then. If he's always travelling around the country. He wouldn't what someone pulling him down'
“He would if he fell in love with you. He needs someone to keep his feet on the ground and start a new adventure. Well that's what his mother says” Nan said
I was actually starting to be serious with Nan, like I was actually after a boyfriend or something.
I guess I just started thinking if you can't beat them join them. Nan and Granddad aren't going to stop until they have matched me up.
And I guess it would be nice to have someone to look after me and to be with. I'm twenty-two and never had a serious boyfriend. Why wouldn't I want to be matched up with someone nice?
Because you're in love with Christian. My heart told me.
But I have to get over him sooner or later. Maybe if I was to just meet someone new, I might find that what I thought I felt for Chris was nothing but a... crush. Maybe... maybe.
But the sad part is however much I tried to tell myself different, it wasn't a crush. And I will never just 'get over it’.
Looking back at Nana, she's still staring over at the guys, thoughts racing through her head.
“What about Ben Anderson. He's very good-looking. He works in London. You live in London”
“So does hundreds of thousands of other people Nana” I laughed
“He twenty-five and plays the guitar. See your perfect together, you both love music” she said giving a big grin
He plays the guitar really?
“He's funny and smart. I think he works for some kind of Promotion Company”
“Nana” I said.
“'Ok, I will relax. But the only down side is that rumour says that he only just broke-up with a long term girlfriend or something like that”
“Oh, that's too bad” I meant what I said I liked Ben I hope he's doing Ok with it all.
Ok, now here's our man. What about Chris? I think he would be perfect for you
What?
Did she really just say that?
“He's, kind, funny, smart, perfect looks, he has an amazing body, so I've heard people say. He's rich which is a bonus, I mean you work with him you know what he's like. I know he's a little bit older than you but I think you need someone like that, who would look after you and bring you out of your shell”
She had no idea what this was doing to my heart. I wanted all those things, with Chris. But...
“Nan you forget the most important bit”
“That he's with Jessica?” Nan asked
“Well yes” What else? I thought.
“That won't be for long. She'll drive him crazy soon” Nan said waving her hand here and there.
“Nan what makes you think that after going out with a girl like her, he would want to be with a girl like me” I said getting a little angry. I know my nanas my Nan and she loves me but she needs to stop this act and just tell the truth. I'll never be like Jess or any of the other women guys like Christian Howard go with. That's that.
“Ah, Leah when are you going to see that your perfect just the way you are!” Nan said a little loudly.
“When the men in the white jackets come and take you away, Nana” I say to her.
Nana's face turned to a frown and she gave a big side.
“I give up, on you girl” she said
“I'm glad, Nan. I'm a lost cause”