Jane - Prologue by Katie Whistler - HTML preview

Chapter five

“It’s been a month and I don’t think that it’s unreasonable that we take things to the next level. I know that I said that I would wait, but having you this close and not being able to touch you is killing me inside. I want to express my love and you have been reluctant to let Mark go.” I was sitting and eating a meal that he had made with his own two hands. He was the kind of guy that liked meat and potatoes. He enjoyed barbecuing and having a house on the base gave him a license to show off his skills.

“I know that I have been a little hesitant, but I’m starting to come around. You obviously care for me and I know that I will always have somebody to walk down this road of life. I will say that it bodes well for you that you can cook. I’m not just talking about Kraft dinner and hot dogs, but this is like a culinary surprise in my mouth.” I was training diligently and I think that I was earning the respect of not only Major Tompkins, but of Anthony and his cohorts. I had shown them a trick to use in battle to block out everything else besides the mission at hand.

I had always had that skill of compartmentalizing. I was sharing it with those that I didn’t trust. I felt like they didn’t need the distraction of anything that was going to be a detriment to them or the team. It was a meditation exercise to inhibit the mind from experiencing anything besides the focus of what you were thinking about at the time.

They thought that I was joking, but they decided to try it. I don’t think that they expected much, but they soon learned what I had already learned by the time that I was 13. Life threw many obstacles in your way, but it was up to you to make the most out of any opportunity. I knew that I was being a little hypocritical from what happened to my brother, but they didn’t need to know and I wasn’t about to tell them.

“I hope that you know that is not going to remain a secret for very much longer. You need to decide on what is best for you, but you also need to decide what is best for the team. It will get out that you’re dating the boss. People will look at you differently. A few weeks ago, I would have been the first one to chastise you for your behavior. You have come a long way, but I don’t want you to lose sight on the bigger picture.” I was afraid that this might happen. Major Tompkins had gotten suspicious and had decided to do his own investigation to find out what I was hiding. He had followed me and waited outside to confront me alone.

“I know that others will not accept this, but I’m hoping that we can keep this between the two of us. I’m sure that you’re right and that it will get out. I’m ready for whatever backlash comes my way. I know that it might seem like I’m using his position to my advantage, but I can assure you that I would never do that. If you knew my brother and I know that you do, then you understand that we were built from the same gene pool.” He listened, but I don’t think that he was entirely convinced and neither was I.

“I think that you better reassess your situation in a hurry. Having him worry about you needlessly is only going to make him second guess himself. I’m sure that you both realize that by getting involved you endanger innocent lives. If he sees for a moment that you are in harms way, then he can’t be trusted to think like a soldier. I want you to give that some serious thought, Jane.” This was the first time that Major Tompkins had used my first name.

I took a walk outside of the compound, until I found myself standing at a nearby lake looking at the ripples and knowing that I would never forget Mark. He would always be in my heart. I didn’t want anybody else, but I didn’t want to be alone either. Jackson was offering me something of a lifeline and I was damned and determine to take it.

I told Jackson that I needed some time, but I think that I was beginning to realize that being alone wasn’t all that pleasant. I didn’t like going to bed and reaching out to find nobody there in the morning. Mark and I might have hidden our relationship from the prying eyes of others, but that was mostly because we wanted our privacy. We wanted to make our own decisions and determine our own fate.

I had made up my mind that I was going to give in and find shelter with a man that could truly love me. I could feed off of that love and hopefully return it back to him in kind. I didn’t think that he deserved a woman that didn’t love him back. That was the type of thing that would be like a Damocles Sword over our relationship. It wouldn’t be long before something would happen that would make one or both of us walk away from a good thing. I had feelings and they were deep enough to make me want to give it a chance. I didn’t want to make my team think of me as protected. The best way to avoid that was to keep this relationship under my hat for the time being.

I could see Mark’s face, as vivid as the day that I met him. The smile, the bulging muscles in his arms wrapped around me was something that I would always hold onto. Those were memories that nobody could take away. He was the one that every woman needed to find for themselves. He had this certain way about him that made me feel like anything was possible. He gave me the courage to stand strong and become a force of nature onto myself. I could’ve been bitter and showed my displeasure by outshining the rest of the cadets. I didn’t do that and with his help, I remembered what it was to be a team.

We were only as strong as our weakest link and I was determined to make us the strongest that we could be. I worked with them than against them. Some fought me every step of the way, but they finally realized that it was better that we were unified than splintered.

“I know that you’re listening, Mark. I want you to know that I will always have a piece of you with me wherever I go and whoever I’m with. I can’t thank you enough for showing me what love is all about. You opened my eyes and made me see a part of myself that I thought was dead and buried a long time ago. I forgot what it was like to care for someone with unconditional love in my heart. I thought that that was something of a distant memory and one that I didn’t even speak to you about. Only those that have access to that file have any idea of what I’ve gone through.” Talking to him like he was here gave him a voice. I could almost hear what he would say.

He would wonder where this woman had been and why I had allowed my grief to overshadow everything else. I thought back on that heart wrenching pain. I couldn’t look at any other man the same way. Mark was that measuring stick that nobody was going to be able to live up to. I would always know that those that came after were a pale comparison of what I had before.

“I hope that you don’t feel any different towards me for what I’m about to do. I’ve given this a lot of thought. I wish that I could have your blessing, but I know that that’s not possible. It would be nice if you could send me some kind of sign to tell me that you understand.” The sound of a jet streaming overhead with his exhaust fumes following behind was the only answer that I got. I smiled inward thinking that god had a remarkable sense of humor. Sending a jet overhead at precisely that time was exactly what I needed to close one chapter of my life and open my heart to another one on the horizon.

I don’t know exactly how long I stood there looking at the calm water. I wanted to get over this, but this was the kind of pain that I wouldn’t want to wish on my worst enemy. It was true about time healing all wounds, but a few weeks were not nearly enough to extinguish what I once had. I buried those feelings in the corner of my heart. I would have it there when I needed him the most.

“I think you know that there will be nobody that can hold a candle to you. I wish that there was some way that I could speak to you and tell you how much the time that we spent meant to me. This might come as a bit of a shock, but I really did have a wall up when we met. You somehow chipped through and made me believe that I was deserving of happiness. I don’t think that I could ever pay you back for giving me back something that I lost.” I swallowed hard, but my mind was made up and there was nobody and nothing that was going to change it.

I skipped a few stones across the pond trying to break my record and actually losing myself to the frivolity of the moment.

I walked back onto base and made my way over to where the rest of my team were most likely enjoying the respite of a day off. I would tell Jackson tomorrow morning. He needed to know that I was through pining over a ghost. Mark wouldn’t want me to become a bitter old woman with many cats as my companions. He was the type of man that would want my happiness. He wouldn’t begrudge me for taking a chance on a man that was my friend. I was in love with two men, but in entirely different ways.

I thought that I could slip in unnoticed, but they were all there waiting for me. They glanced at me from time to time, but I could sense that they were hiding something. It was Sheila that finally came forward and held a letter in her hand. I looked at her and she didn’t say anything before placing the letter right in my palm. I felt the coarseness of the paper and looked up to see that they were waiting on me to open the letter.

“I don’t know what the meaning of this is. If we have been requested to go on a mission, then you don’t have to walk around on egg shells around me. I think you all know that I’m ready for just about anything. I’ve had my necessary time to grieve and to mourn the loss of Mark. I have to give him the honor of letting him go. If I don’t, it will only consume me, until I have nothing left to give to anyone.”

“That letter came for you about an hour ago. I think that you should read it before you say anything that you’re going to regret later.” It was kind of galling that Sheila would talk to me like that. They looked like they were uncomfortable in their own skin. Everybody was anxiously waiting for what I was going to say next. “I can’t be the one to tell you this. It’s not my place and this is something that you should see for yourself.” This secrecy was making me crazy. I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake the truth out of her.

I looked at the letter and was curious to know what lie within. “I may as well just do it and get it over with.” I took a hold of the letter and I found that my hands were shaking. I didn’t know why I was nervous. Going on a mission with people that I was starting to trust was the reason why I had gotten into this in the first place. What happened with my brother defined me and made me go in a different direction than most women my age at the time.

“This is going to come as a shock and I want you to be ready for it. It might be best that you sit down.” Sheila was causing me some concern, but apparently they had made her the spokesman of the group. “I know that you have grieved and we’ve all seen you rise to the challenge. You haven’t allowed your personal feelings to get in the way of your good judgment. You taught us that trick of blocking out any kind distraction in the field. All of us can’t thank you enough for that, but now we need to be here for you.” Sheila touched my shoulder in a reassuring gesture while the others circled around me like my own personal shield of armor.

“You’re scaring me. I don’t know what exactly this letter is, but I’m glad that all of you are here.” I was feeling this connection to everyone including Anthony and the others that had gave me a hard time when I first got here. Their tune had changed. I had to live up to the name of Billings, but I was ready for their brand of ridicule. I forced myself to see past their misconceptions of me. I gave them a reason to trust me and not feel like I was the weak link.

“That is what a team does. We protect each other from hurting, whether it’s physically or emotionally.” I stood there with that letter. I should’ve been anxious to read it, but something was preventing me from thinking this was anything, but bad news.

I opened it from the bottom first and my eyes went wide at seeing the salutation “Love Mark.” I had to believe that this was his way of reaching out from the grave, because the alternative was just too much for my heart to handle.