Chapter four
Those words rang in my ear over and over again. “Mark Kilborn has been killed in the line of duty. His plane was shot down and there were no survivors.” I had become numb and the only person that I could turn to in my hour of need was an old friend of the family.
“I don’t want anything from you, Jane. You have been dealing with a lot and losing the man that you loved couldn’t be easy. I want you to know that I would never attempt to replace him in any way.” Colonel Briggs was holding my hand in a darkened alcove within the base. He had this maturity and experience. He reminded me of my father and maybe that was the reason why I gravitated towards him. I didn’t particular find him sexually attractive. He was a solid built man and one that could probably give me a life. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Briggs was there for me and I had him to thank for pulling me out of a deep depression that threatened to swallow me whole.
“You have been my rock through all of this, Colonel… I mean Jackson. You haven’t tried to use this situation to get into my pants. I’m sure that it has occurred to you, but you did nothing to make me think that you had ulterior motives.” He was older by at least 20 years. It had to be a bit of a thrill for him to be with a younger woman. They say that older men have more to offer and that they have seen and done it all. I could see in his eyes that that was true.
“I know that it takes a bit of getting used to, but I want you to call me by my first name. I want you to know that I will always be there for you. I will not kick you out of bed for eating cookies.” He had this way of softening a moment and that sort of reminded me of Mark in a distant way.
“I don’t know if I will ever get over the one that I lost. I appreciate your patience and maybe it is time that I let him go. I will always hold him dear in my heart, but I think that there’s room for another.” That seemed to make him happy, but I wasn’t sure if he was the one that I was looking for. He was kind and compassionate and there was something about his overprotective nature that appealed to me. It made me feel safe to be in his arms. I knew that nobody would lay a hand on me.
“I would like to kiss you. I think that what we need to find out is if we are compatible. I feel that there is chemistry between us, but I’m not sure that you feel the same way.” That wisp of gray in his hair made me hesitant to latch onto a father figure. I didn’t stop him, as he gave me the sweetest kiss. There was no tongue. I wasn’t sure if I could tell him what he wanted to hear.
“You are a very good kisser, Jackson. I don’t know why you even want anything to do with me. I don’t think that it would be easy on your career to be seen with me. You would be better served in getting together with someone that is of your own age. You would definitely have more in common, but I think I understand about what the heart wants. It’s not like we have much control over that part of our anatomy.”
His hand did feel nice entwined with my fingers and that kiss told me that he would always treat me like a princess. He was my friend and maybe that was a good beginning to something more substantial. I could probably grow to love him, but it certainly wasn’t love at first sight or even second or third for that matter. I’d known other couples that didn’t feel that the fireworks went off. I’d also known friends that didn’t think that they were destined for each other, but then suddenly found themselves walking down the aisle together.
“I don’t think Mark would want you to dwell on his memory. I think that he would want you to continue on. I’m not trying to put ideas in your head, but I am always here to listen to you. I think that I’ve always had feelings for you, but I never knew how to voice them without sounding like a dirty old man. I’ve come to the conclusion that age is just a number. It’s how you feel on the inside that makes the difference.” That was a good way of looking at things. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to get naked with him, but maybe spending time was a good way of seeing if there was anything to build on.
I really didn’t think that I was strong enough to give him what he wanted. I felt like I was using him to get over the one person that had made my heart flutter from the moment that I met him. He was everything to me and those songs on the radio made sense to me now. All those lyrics of love and how it made you feel were making me realize what I had with Mark
“I think that you might have a lot to think about. I will respect your decision. Maybe you don’t know a good thing when you have it sitting right in front of you. I would never try to tell you what to do.” He looked like he had more on his mind. “I’m not very comfortable with you joining the Special Forces. I won’t stand in your way, but I will worry about you anytime that you are gone on assignment. I promise that I won’t use my influence to make your life better, unless you’re the one that comes to me.” He was being so kind and there was this light in his eyes that made me think that it was possible to grab onto that last vestige of hope.
“I know that you know how important this is to me. You have read my file and what happened to my brother was something that was unavoidable at the time. You also know that I came here to make sure that doesn’t happen to anybody else’s family. I am not one to surrender easily. It might take some time for me to come around and I won’t blame you for not waiting.” I walked away, but I made one final glance to see that my words had affected him profoundly.
I could’ve sworn that I saw a tear of joy in the corner of his right eye, but maybe that was a trick of the light or a figment of my imagination.
“I know that you are hurting, but maybe you need someone to soothe away that pain. I’ve never been this close to any one and I’ve always kept my heart shielded. I can’t do that with you. I know that it might sound trivial, but I think that I might be in love. I believe that you might’ve been sent from heaven to show me how to love. I know that I’ve been married two other times, but that was with women that really didn’t know me. They couldn’t accept my military strength. They were not built like the two of us are. We know the score and what it means to serve our country with distinction and honor. I think that might be a great foundation to build something lasting.”
I stopped at the doorway with my hand over top with my head bowed. “I don’t know what you want me to say. My heart has been shattered, but you have been there to pick up the pieces one at a time. You haven’t asked for anything or done anything to scare me off. I’m just scared of what I might feel, so early on after losing Mark.” I walked out of there. I almost felt like this weight on my shoulders had been alleviated.
I looked towards the heavens and made a silent prayer to the one that was now at the foot of god. He had been called home. I may not agree with his decision, but it was not my place to question the reason why. This was his grand plan and one that I had to accept, whether I liked it or not.