5. The Hoover Demonstration
Hour’s later standing at the bar, Jose couldn’t quite work out what the dim expression on Ben’s face was there for. Notable for his chirpy, friendly service the customers were sure going to get a dodgy deal with his current snappy state.
“Ben you’ve practically got off Scot free with the police, what’s the problem?” Jose enquired.
Ben stayed put with his back facing Jose. He pretended to be filling a mug of already overflowing coffee.
“Not quite, they’ve got to find the car yet.” “But your prints wont be on the car will they…” “No.” Ben sniffed.
“So what’s the real problem?” “Nothing.”
Intrigued by Ben’s evident huff Jose pried further. “You’ll make the cream curdle.” Jose sniggered.
That did the trick. Ben spun round angrily forgetting that at that moment in time he was holding a steaming mug of coffee. Naturally, the contents went everywhere. Perfect.
“For pete’s sake!” Ben screamed; disrupting what was a fairly quiet afternoon. Jose hurried over taking the spilt coffee from Ben’s hand.
“Hey Mary can you take over for a minute, Ben needs a quiet word.” “Sure.” She replied.
Scurrying into the back office dragging a reluctant Ben with him Jose planned to sort this out once and for all.
“Ben, really what is the problem?” “Nothing - like I said.” Ben sniffed.
“Look I know you, you’re never like this, all this business with the police and that disastrous date it’s messed you up! You need some serious therapy and I know exactly the place.” Jose paused slightly, a mysterious smile appearing on his lips.
“Where is this place? Where are we going?” Ben demanded. “It’s auction night at the Wackodollars it’s going to be a blast!” “Auction night? What? How?”
“A man gets auctioned off a night to a unlimited number of women, however many want to have him basically. The main purpose is you get to have some sort of courtship with these women and one of them has got to turn out good! Don’t I come up with great ideas!?” Jose grinned.
“Oh yeah, you should be a philosopher.” Ben said dryly.
A middle-aged lady met arriving backstage the duo, she looked at Jose then glanced curiously at Ben. “So gentlemen, is this polite, strong looking man our auction for tonight?”
“Sure is.” Jose grinned, slapping Ben on the back.
“What’s his name?” she said, addressing Ben as if he was a child. “Ben Dover.” Jose said boldly.
The lady stared hard at Ben, her eyes roving his
“I just hope he’s good with his hands.” The lady muttered, walking off.
Ben gulped; these women sure seemed forward. Why did Jose have to drag him into this?
As the cue to go onstage grew nearer Ben could feel his heart slowly begin to gain pace. He could just imagine what it would be like out there: the audience used to a load of bronzed, toned baby oiled hunks will be welcomed to an excessively large slab of reality. Before he knew it Jose was ushering him out onto the stage, the host excitedly announcing Ben’s arrival. Ben gulped anxiously. Staring back at him from the audience were around 10 rows of women…old women. Now these ladies certainly weren’t what he expected to be sharpening the knife on a daily basis. Hoping the ladies were all wolves in sheep’s clothing and would suddenly burst into a whirlwind of young skin and modern clothes Ben waited in anticipation. Suddenly the prop assistant ran on stage with a vacuum cleaner, plugging it in quickly they handed the object over to Ben.
“Right ladies, Ben will now demonstrate how good he is with his sucking skills.”
Ben’s mouth dropped open in a large oval shape. Who would have thought it hey, what these old ladies hide under their bingo and knitting routines? Stuck to the spot through shock Ben just gaped at the host.
“Come on now Ben darling get on with your sucking.”
He obeyed immediately and picking up the vacuum put his mouth to the nozzle – and lo and bygone he started sucking in what became a close competition with the vacuum winning.
The host and audience were mortified and stared at Ben as if he was something that had escaped straight out of an asylum.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” the host yelled. Ben put down the vacuum and rubbed his now throbbing lip.
“I was doing what you told me to do… sucking…” the realisation slowly dawned on him.
“I meant suck the dust off the floor you nincompoop! What sort of sick sex show do you think this is?!” the host screamed.
“So this wasn’t an auction for hungry young females who wanted a date…?”
“No… this was a auction for ladies who wanted a helping hand in their cleaning NOT THEIR KNICKERS!”
Ben suddenly felt very humiliated, and he knew who was right at the foot of the blame - JOSE! Just as he went to walk off stage Jose came running breathlessly through the side exit.
“Ben, Ben, we got the wrong place… it’s the Wallodollars not the Wackodollars.” “You’re telling me.” Ben hissed slowly.
Sensing a hostile aura Ben knew he had to leave. Turning his back on Jose he stormed towards the exit. “Ben, wait up!” Jose shouted.
Ben carried on walking.
“Come on Ben you know I didn’t do it on purpose!”
“Do you know how humiliated I feel?!” Ben said without stopping. Jose sighed.
“I made a mistake yeah, and I’m sorry. Why can’t you see the funny side of it? Where’s the old Ben gone?” Jose asked sadly.
Finally Ben stopped. His shoulders slumped and his face fell.
“I’m just so lonely Jose, everyone thinks I’m some sort of joke and for once I want to be taken seriously. Just because I’m big doesn’t mean I don’t want a girlfriend, a family. Why wont anyone give me a chance?!”
Joes’s eyes widened as he saw his usually strong and defiant friend’s face transform into one of wretched misery.
“Why won’t anyone take me seriously Jose? Why?” Ben said once more, his eyes full of sadness.
Hating the sight of his best friend looking so sad Jose pulled Ben into his arms. He had to think of some way to get Ben a girlfriend, one who would respect Ben for who he was. But how? His last idea went down the pan and Ben was unlikely to go to another charity auction in a hurry. Then as if a light had gone on in his head Jose got an idea. Joining a gym! Girls aplenty were bound to be working out, getting in a sweat and looking for men in Lycra surely?
“Hey Ben I’ve got an idea!” Jose said brightly. Ben pulled away wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “Another bright idea?” he sneered.
Jose smiled.
“This is a really, really good idea to get a girl.” “Enlighten me.”
“Well let’s join a gym!”
Ben’s mouth dropped into a large oval and Jose realised the implication of what he’d said. “Oh I’ve done it again haven’t I?” Jose realised upon seeing Ben’s mortified face.
“I know I’m fat Jose but no need to rub it in! Jesus is that all you’ve got to say lose weight and you’ll get a girl, is that it? No ladies for you at your size hey Ben. You’re just a fat, ugly loser with no hopes!” Ben yelled.
Wishing the ground would swallow him up Jose grimaced. He had to put this right, somehow.
“You know I would never think that Ben, okay sure you would probably do better if you lost a few pounds but...”
“Oh I knew it! I thought maybe you didn’t mean what you said but hey that just confirmed it!”
Turning on his heels Ben went to leave. Grabbing his shoulder Jose pulled him back. The pair stared at each other, Ben’s eyes full of hurt and Jose’s apologetic.
“No! God why do you keep getting the wrong idea?? Look, like I said your chances would increase if you were slimmer but I wanted you to join a gym because girls are there, lots of them!”
Ben’s face softened. “Really?” he said quietly.
“Yes! I just want you to be happy Ben that’s all.”
“Maybe I could lose a few pounds while I’m there too…” Ben said.
“Whatever makes you happy.” Jose laughed.
Unbeknown to Ben Jose’s fingers were firmly crossed behind his back.