YOU:
WHAT’S UP?! NOT TOO MUCH OVER ON MY END
THESE DAYS ALTHOUGH I DID GO AND ACTUALLY
DO LIKE A TEST INTERVIEW TEST DRIVE AND
BELIEVE IT OR NOT I DON’T THINK I WOULD ENJOY
THAT JOB. THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS YOU
HAVE TO ANSWER ABOUT THE DRIVING
EXPERIENCE.
WERE THE MIRRORS EASY TO ADJUST?
DID IT TAKE TOO LONG TO ADJUST THEM?
DID THE MIRRORS MOVE TOO FAST?
DID THE MIRRORS MOVE TOO SLOW?
WAS THE TEMPERATURE OF THE SEAT
COMFORTABLE? TOO HOT? TOO COLD? DID IT
TAKE TOO LONG FOR THE TEMPERATURE TO
ADJUST?
HOW QUIET WAS THE INTERIOR?
WERE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THE LEG ROOM?
WAS THE SEAT LONG ENOUGH FOR THIGH
SUPPORT?
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WAS THE SEAT TOO LONG?
WERE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THE HEAD
ROOM?
HOW WAS THE SUSPENSION?
DID THE STEERING WHEEL HAVE MINIMAL
SHAKING, TOO MUCH SHAKING OR NO
NOTICEABLE SHAKING?
AAAAAH! JUST LET ME DRIVE THE DANG CAR!
NEEDLESS TO SAY I DON’T LIKE ALL OF THE
“SATISFACTION” AND “STABILITY” AND
“ERGONOMICS” QUESTIONS. I LOVE THE DRIVING
EXPERIENCE BUT I DON’T LIKE HAVING TO FOCUS
ON THE DETAILS OF THAT EXPERIENCE. I JUST
WANT TO DRIVE FOR THE SAKE OF DRIVING.
I’M NOT SURE IF I’LL BE DOING THAT AGAIN BUT
AT THE SAME TIME, A MILLION BUCKS IS A NICE
ROUND NUMBER TO SEE ON A FUTURE BANK
STATEMENT OF MINE. MAYBE I’LL GO AGAIN.
AND JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, YOU
LOOK GREAT TODAY!
LATER!
ME
148
[10th anonymous note put in your locker.]
March 10
Title: “Picture Perfect”
Some say you’re only beautiful when you’re thin
Others say if you’re thin it must be a sin
Maybe some people just don’t want you to win
Some say your body must be perfect
And so must your face
But have you seen how ugly some people are
Deep down inside in the first place?
People say you’ll be so happy
If you look the way we tell you to
But did you ever notice
Just how miserable and crappy
These same people feel inside?
Baby I don’t care if you need to lose a little weight
Baby I don’t care because we all need food on our
plate
Baby I don’t want you thin as paper
Baby I don’t want you thin as a tiny twig
Baby I don’t need you to be picture perfect
But boy I sure do want at least a picture of you
Now Honey I know you think you’re no Mona Lisa
And you listen to the people that say
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That only the beautiful people get to play
Play all day in the game of love
The game where only one of us wins
But as long as you know me
You’ll be more inclined to see
That the all the romantic poetry in the world got its
start
By writing about
The curvaceous and voluptuous Goddess of Venus
The full-figured female statues across Italy, England,
Germany and France
The Marilyn Monroes and the Ladies from the days of
Edgar Allen Poe
Now Honey I know you think you’re no Mona Lisa
But you better listen to me when I say
That you and me were meant to play
Play all day in the game of love
The game where both of us win
Baby I don’t care if you need to lose a little weight
Baby I don’t care because we all need food on our
plate
Baby I don’t want you thin as paper
Baby I don’t want you thin as a tiny twig
Baby I don’t need you to be picture perfect
But boy I sure do want to be in a picture with you
A picture of me...kissing you
Love,
150
Your Secret Admirer
P.S. I said earlier that sometimes my poetry stinks.
Remember I said “sometimes.” Not all of it stinks.
(Wink and a smile.)
151
[11th anonymous note put in your locker.]
March 14
Title: “Where is She?”
It’s 11 P.M. and I’m looking out my window
Down beneath the reflection of flickering flames
From decorative torches touches the surface of the
pool
Whispering the question
Where is she
You stupid fool?
It’s one A.M. and I’m looking out the window
Up above the stars weave in and out
Filling the night sky and playing with the Milky Way
Faintly echoing the question
Where is she?
Did she lose her way?
Or are you still the fool?
It’s 3 A.M. and I’m searching in my heart
Into the deepest depths and highest heights
In between the throbbing beats that flood my veins
Pumping the question
Where is she?
But the answer is so plain
Because I’m a fool
It’s 5 A.M. and I’m facing the truth
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Buried beneath the distance I keep between us
It’s no good to keep myself, keep myself so far, far
away
Knowing that the answer to the question
Is that she would be here
If I would start a new day
Keeping myself not so far away anymore
But letting her be here
And holding the most precious woman I know close
Close forever
And not just in my heart
Then the whispering flames
Echoing stars
And the throbbing in my veins
Will testify
I’m no longer the fool
Because she’s here
Because I’m here
Because we’re together
And not just in my heart.
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
153
MARCH 17
YOU:
HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY! I LIKE THE GREEN
GLITTER RIMMED GLASSES YOU'RE WEARING
TODAY. NICE TOUCH!
WELL, WELL, WELL. GUESS WHO CRASHED A CAR
YESTERDAY WHILE DOING A TEST DRIVE? YES.
THAT WOULD BE ME.
WAS I TEXTING WHILE DRIVING? NO.
WAS I DRIVING DROWSY? NO.
WAS I LOUDLY UNWRAPPING A PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY SANDWICH DURING THE QUIET TEST?
NO.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, A DEER CAME JUMPING OUT
OF THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND LITERALLY
JUMPED OVER THE HOOD WHICH SCARED THE
JEEPERS OUT OF ME SO I SWERVED AND
SLAMMED INTO A TABLE OF ENGINEERS THAT RAN
AWAY BEFORE I COULD HIT ANY OF THEM WHILE
SIMULTANEOUSLY PROVING THAT THE TIRES THEY
USE DO IN FACT STOP A FULL TWENTY EIGHT FEET
EARLIER THAN THE COMPETITIONS UNDER SIMILAR
CIRCUMSTANCES.
SO THERE WAS A LESSON TO BE HAD BY ALL.
AND WHAT MIGHT THAT LESSON BE? THAT IT IS
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NOT NECESSARY TO BE A DISTRACTED DRIVER BY
SLEEPINESS, TEXTING OR UNWRAPPING PEANUT
BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES BECAUSE
NATURE WILL CREATE PLENTY OF OBSTACLES TO
SAFE DRIVING FOR US. MAN NEED NOT CREATE
HIS OWN OBSTACLES TO HIS OWN SAFETY OR
THE SAFETY OF A NEARBY TABLE FULL OF
OBSERVING ENGINEERS.
AFTER THAT MY DAD WANTED TO PULL ME OUT OF
THE TESTING EXPERIENCE FOR GOOD AND HE
ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT AND SO I GAVE HIM
THE ONLY LOGICAL REPLY A YOUNG MAN MY AGE
COULD GIVE: “NO WAY! THAT ROCKED! LET’S DO
IT AGAIN!”
MY DAD IS RELUCTANTLY LETTING ME CONTINUE
TEST DRIVING. THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE CAR
COMPANY PERSONALLY SHOOK MY HAND FOR
PROVING HOW WELL THE TIRES HELD UP SO I
DON’T PLAN ON QUITTING AFTER SOMETHING AS
SMALL AS A LITTLE DEER NEARLY KILLING ABOUT A
DOZEN PEOPLE.
(OKAY. . . SO IT WASN’T A SMALL THING TO
NEARLY DIE. BUT IT ROCKED!)
SO ANYHOO. . . HOW ARE YOU? HOPEFULLY
YOU’RE NOT THINKING OF GETTING A JOB AS A
TEST DRIVER BECAUSE THEN I WOULD STRICTLY
FORBID YOU FROM DOING SO FOR THE SAKE OF
ALL LITTLE DEER AND FAWNS EVERYWHERE. AND
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FOR THE SAKE OF OBSERVING ENGINEERS.
AND, OF COURSE, I CAN’T FORGET MYSELF – SO
FOR MY SAKES ALSO BECAUSE IT WOULD JUST
TEAR ME UP INSIDE IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED
TO YOU BECAUSE YOU FOLLOWED MY FOOLISH
WAYS BEHIND THE WHEEL.
PLUS I MIGHT BE RATHER UPSET IF YOU BECAME
A TEST DRIVER BECAUSE THEN THEY WOULD HIRE
YOU OVER ME SINCE WOMEN ARE BETTER
DRIVERS THAN MEN ARE. SO STAY AWAY FROM
THE TEST TRACK. I FORBID IT. AND IF YOU DON’T
LIKE MY SAYING THAT THEN JUST WATCH ME . . .
TAKE BACK EVERY LAST WORD I JUST SAID
BECAUSE YOU’RE JUST COOL LIKE THAT.
SOMETIMES I THINK I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH. OR
MAYBE IT’S THE FRUIT CAKE I LIKE TOO MUCH.
NO. . . IT’S YOU.
BY THE WAY, HOW DID YOUR LAST ENGLISH TEST
GO? DID YOU ACE IT? I WOULD SPREAD VICIOUS
RUMORS ABOUT HOW YOU DANGLE YOUR
PARTICIPLES BUT THAT WOULD BE ENTIRELY FALSE
AND I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SPREAD SUCH
RUMORS WHILE KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE.
SO DID IT GO WELL? I’D OFFER YOU HELP BUT
HOW MUCH HELP CAN I OFFER SOMEONE THAT IS
TAKING ADVANCED COURSES AND IS ONE OF THE
SMARTEST PEOPLE I KNOW? BUT IF THERE IS
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EVER ANYTHING YOU NEED HELP WITH I’M HERE
FOR YOU. I REALLY DO KNOW A FEW THINGS
ABOUT U.S. HISTORY AND THE SUBJECT OF
“LOVE 101”.
I MENTION THAT BECAUSE I’M WONDERING IF
YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME IF YOU HAVE A LOVE
LIFE OR WHO’S IN YOUR LOVE LIFE OR THAT “MY
LOVE LIFE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS” . . .
BASICALLY NEARLY ANY STATEMENT WITH THE
WORDS “MY LOVE LIFE” IN IT WILL DO. JUST
WONDERING.
HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY TODAY! I
SURVIVED THE ATTACK NINJA DEER SURPRISE SO
I’D HAVE TO SAY I’M HAVING A PRETTY AWESOME
DAY SO FAR.
LATER!
ME
157
[With a single long-stemmed red rose in your
locker you find the 12th anonymous note put in
your locker.]
March 20
You know that I like driving, I love music, I love
the way my heart seems to skip a beat every time
I see you and I’m thinking about actually telling
you who I am sometime soon.
But before I do that, I wanted to tell you something
more, if that’s okay with you. It seems you’ve been
pretty patient with this one way conversation and
that maybe it’s not fair to you to keep up this
mystery so long. In fact, it’s not healthy to have a
string of secret admirer letters and not give you a
voice in the matter where you know who I really am.
At least that’s the way I feel and I would like to
know if you feel the same but that would require me
telling you who I am first and right at this moment
I’m scared to do it.
Please understand, just seeing you face to face sets
my heart aflutter and the idea of actually talking with
you face to face in a way where you actually know
it’s me that’s been giving you these notes is to
imagine world war three within my heart. Right now,
you don’t know who I am and so you can’t reject
me to my face so, in that sense, I’m safe. But there
is a stronger part of me that just can’t help but to
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tell you.
I’m actually not such a great secret keeper when I
really like someone. When I’m in love, I’m a dead
give away that I absolutely must get to know the
girl that I like and that means to be friends with
her friends. And usually to be friends with her
friends means its inevitable that I’ll be social
enough with everyone involved enough to make
that happen – including being sociable enough
with you. (That should be a huge hint right there
as to who I really am.)
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that, you’ve
seen how ridiculous my writing style is and so
who knows how awkward it might be when I
actually tell you that I am the one that is your
secret admirer.
So please go easy on me. It’s not just that you’re
more beautiful than a moonlit night in the summer
or that the flowers of spring hide their faces in
shame whenever your splendor outshines them as
you come their way or that the very sun itself in all
its rays of glory cannot compare to the human star
that you are – it’s not these things alone.
It’s that your gorgeous beauty is both unsurpassed
by any that have come before you, all that are here
now and whomever will follow and yet every day in
this simple school you bless the masses here
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with your presence. You bless me and your
presence around me causes me the greatest
bliss I could ever conceive while simultaneously
wracking every nerve within my frame so as to
render me almost entirely helpless to do
something as simple as speak to you with the
honesty of an open heart.
So whenever that day comes, and I am confident
that it will come soon because I’m not sure how
much more of this self-imposed secret I can bear,
please… please be merciful if I am not what you
are interested in. Go easy on me by telling me the
truth and I will live a much happier life away from
you in the truth than if you were to ever hide your
graciousness by a lie that you like me when the
truth is that you may not.
In love, loyalty and torment of heart,
Your Secret Admirer
160
MARCH 26
YOU:
WHAT’S UP? ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD DAY SO
FAR TODAY? I HOPE SO. I’M JUST SITTING HERE
IN CLASS AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT
THAT I FINISHED A POP QUIZ EARLY AND THERE’S
NOTHING REALLY LEFT TO DO IN CLASS. SO I’M
WRITING YOU! (NO NEED TO JUMP FOR JOY.
NO. . . REALLY. . . PLEASE STOP. OK . . . I
SUPPOSE YOU CAN JUMP A LITTLE.)
WELL, I’VE GOT SOME NEWS. I’M NOT SURE IF
IT’S GOOD NEWS OR BAD NEWS – HENCE THE
REASON I’M CALLING IT JUST “NEWS.”
YOU KNOW YOUR SECRET ADMIRER GUY? WELL,
THE LATEST WORD IS THAT HE’S DECIDED NOT TO
TELL YOU WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE’S HOPING THAT
YOU’LL LIKE HIM THE WAY HE IS RIGHT NOW AND
SO NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO HE IS. AND MAYBE
HE WON’T BE WRITING YOU ANYMORE BECAUSE
HE’S GOING TO MAYBE TAKE A NEW APPROACH
IN . . . TRYING TO DATE YOU.
SO, THERE YOU GO. THAT’S THE NEWS. I HOPE
IT’S GOOD NEWS FOR YOU. I MEAN, AFTER ALL,
YOU SEEMED A BIT BEFUDDLED OVER NOT
KNOWING WHO HE WAS AND STUFF SO . . .
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PROBLEM SOLVED! NOW ONTO OTHER SUBJECTS.
SINCE YOU LIKED THE COOKIES I MADE YOU IN
JANUARY, I DECIDED TO MAKE SOME MORE AND
SO WE CAN CHEW ON THEM AT LUNCH TODAY.
SO GET READY FOR SOME TASTY BONUS TREATS
AT LUNCH LATER! WOOOHOOO!
LATER!
ME
162