YOU:
HEY! WHAT’S UP? NO, REALLY. WHAT’S UP? I
DON’T THINK I’VE EVER SEEN YOU SO QUIET
AND . . . ALOOF.
SO . . . WHAT’S UP?
IS SOMETHING WRONG? ANYTHING YOU WANT TO
TALK ABOUT? I WAS GOING TO BRING MY SPECIAL
CAP TO WEAR THAT HELPS ME TO BE
TELEPATHETIC FOR SITUATIONS JUST LIKE THIS
BUT I FORGOT IT AT HOME. SO THIS IS YOUR CUE
TO ACTUALLY SPEAK AND TELL ME WHAT’S ON
YOUR MIND THESE DAYS THAT’S KEEPING
YOU . . . WELL . . . MORE QUIET THAN USUAL.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD NOTE THAT YOUR
QUIETNESS HAS A SORT OF RIPPLE EFFECT IN
THAT WHEN YOU’RE NOT TALKING MUCH IT MAKES
ME WONDER WHAT I SHOULD TALK ABOUT. YOU
KNOW, LIKE, TWO WAY COMMUNICATION STUFF.
IT USUALLY HELPS WHEN BOTH PEOPLE IN A
CONVERSATION ARE ACTUALLY TALKING AS
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OPPOSED TO ONE TRYING TO READ THE OTHER
PERSON’S MIND AND ANSWER QUESTIONS ON
THEIR BEHALF. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE ANY
SENSE? PROBABLY NOT.
I DON’T ALWAYS MAKE SENSE (IN CASE YOU
HADN’T ALREADY NOTICED). SO THAT MAKES THE
PROBLEMS EVEN WORSE SO I COULD USE YOUR
HELP . . . LIKE AUDIBLY.
ANYHOO . . . I DON’T WANT TO PRESSURE YOU
INTO TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING THAT YOU REALLY
DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SO YOU JUST KEEP
QUIET UNTIL YOU’RE READY TO TALK ABOUT . . .
WHATEVER . . . AND I’LL BE HERE TO LISTEN AND
GIVE YOU CRAPPY ADVICE – I MEAN GOOD
ADVICE. GOOD ADVICE.
HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY SOMEHOW IF IT
HASN’T TURNED OUT GOOD SO FAR.
LATER,
ME
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APRIL 10
YOU:
I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU’RE STILL
A BIT QUIET THESE DAYS AND I HAVEN’T SEEN
YOU AS OFTEN AT LUNCH OR AFTER SCHOOL.
YOU’VE GOT ME WORRIED SO I GOT TO THINKING.
MAYBE YOU NEED TO LAUGH. NOTHING HELPS TO
HEAL A HEART QUITE LIKE A GOOD LAUGH DOES.
SO I’LL SHARE WITH YOU ONE OF MY MOST
EMBARRASSING MOMENTS THAT YOU CAN LAUGH
AT.
LAST YEAR I WAS VISITING MY COUSIN OVER
SPRING BREAK. HE HAD INVITED ME TO COME
WITH HIM TO CHURCH THAT SUNDAY SO I SAID
“SURE.”
WELL, JUST AS WE ARRIVED, I NEEDED TO USE
THE RESTROOM SO HE POINTED ME IN THE
DIRECTION OF THE MEN’S ROOM AND TOLD ME
THAT HE WOULD GO ON AHEAD AND SAVE ME A
SEAT IN THE AUDITORIUM WHERE THE SUNDAY
CHURCH SERVICES WOULD BE. HE SHOWED ME
WHICH DOORS TO ENTER TO FIND HIM AFTER I
FINISHED.
WHEN I LEFT THE BATHROOM TO ENTER THE
AUDITORIUM, I LOOKED AND FOUND THAT HE
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WAS SEATED BUT HE WASN’T ABLE TO FIND
SEATS FOR US TO SIT TOGETHER SO I STARTED
TO LOOK FOR THE NEXT AVAILABLE SPOT.
I FOUND A ROW NEAR THE MIDDLE AND THERE
WAS AN EMPTY SEAT IN THE ROW BUT THE
AVAILABLE SEAT WAS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE SO I
HAD TO STEP OVER AND PAST ABOUT SEVEN
PEOPLE. ONCE I SAT DOWN I NOTICED THAT ALL
OF THE PEOPLE ON MY ROW HAD A BOOK IN
THEIR LAP. I WASN’T SURE WHY AND SO I JUST
SHRUGGED IT OFF.
THEN SOME GUY STOOD UP AND ANNOUNCED
THAT THERE WOULD BE AN OPENING PRAYER AND
THAT THE CHOIR WOULD SING A HYMN FOR ALL
TO ENJOY.
I LEARNED WHY THOSE AROUND ME HAD A BOOK
IN THEIR LAP BECAUSE AFTER THE PRAYER ENDED,
A GUY STOOD IN THE FRONT AND MOTIONED
WITH HIS HANDS FOR THE CHOIR TO STAND UP.
THEN EVERYONE AROUND ME ON MY ROW STOOD
UP.
BUT I JUST SAT THERE. ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AS
MY ROW STOOD UP I REALIZED THAT SEVERAL
ROWS OF PEOPLE BEHIND ME ALSO STOOD UP AT
THE SAME TIME. IT THEN DAWNED ON ME THAT
THE ONLY ROW I COULD FIND A SEAT IN TURNED
OUT TO BE THE FRONT ROW OF THE CHOIR.
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I DIDN’T WANT TO BE THE ONLY ONE SEATED
WHEN I WAS SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF AN
ENTIRE ROW OF PEOPLE STANDING SO I FINALLY
STOOD UP.
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT SONG WAS BEING SUNG OR
HOW TO SING IT SO I STOOD THERE, NO BOOK IN
HAND AND LIP-SYNCED A SONG WITH A BUNCH
OF PEOPLE I DIDN’T KNOW AND HAD NEVER MET
BEFORE TO AN EVEN LARGER GROUP OF PEOPLE I
DIDN’T KNOW AND HAD NEVER MET BEFORE.
APPARENTLY I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT STOOD
UP LAST AND WORE A BEAT RED FACE WHILE
SINGING A HYMN I HAD NEVER SUNG BEFORE.
AWKWARD. NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT IS AN
EXPERIENCE I WILL NEVER FORGET.
ONE AISLE OVER TO THE RIGHT MY COUSIN
WOULDN’T FORGET IT EITHER BECAUSE HE COULD
NOT STOP LAUGHING.
SO, MOST PEOPLE DON’T SHARE THEIR MOST
EMBARRASSING MOMENTS WITH OTHERS
BECAUSE THEY’RE . . . WELL . . . EMBARRASSING.
BUT I SHARE THAT WITH YOU IF IT WILL PUT A
SMILE BACK ON THAT WONDERFUL FACE OF
YOURS.
SEE YOU LATER!
ME
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APRIL 16
YOU:
WOW! OKAY. THAT’S A LOT TO ABSORB BUT
JUST WATCH ME BECOME A SUPER SPONGE
AFTER THE CONVERSATION WE JUST HAD THIS
MORNING.
IF I HAD KNOWN WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING
AND MET YOU EARLY BEFORE SCHOOL THAT YOU
WOULD OPEN UP AS YOU DID OVER THIS SECRET
ADMIRER GUY THEN I ASSURE YOU I WOULD’VE
COME MUCH BETTER PREPARED THAN I DID. BUT,
NOW I CAN WRITE YOU AND TRY AND MAKE UP
FOR WHAT I MIGHT CALL A MISSED OPPORTUNITY.
OKAY, SO IF I’VE UNDERSTOOD YOU CORRECTLY,
YOU ACTUALLY MISS THIS GUY’S NOTES – A GUY
THAT YOU AREN’T EVEN SURE WHO HE IS – AND
YET I’M HERE AND WITH YOU AS YOUR FRIEND
AND SOMEHOW THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR
YOU (MY WORDS, NOT YOURS – AT LEAST THAT’S
THE IMPRESSION I WALKED AWAY WITH). SO I
PROPOSE THAT WE CHANGE THAT “NOT GOOD
ENOUGH” IMPRESSION.
I PROPOSE THAT WE DATE. I MEAN, AS IN “DATE”
ONE ANOTHER. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
LET ME KNOW! HAPPY EASTER!
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LATER!
ME
169
APRIL 21
YOU:
SO YOU REALLY DON’T THINK IT’S POSSIBLE FOR
US TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS? YOU REALLY
THINK THAT OUR DATING WILL JUST BE SOME
PASSING PHASE? I BEG TO DIFFER. I’LL SWEEP
YOU OFF YOUR FEET IF YOU’LL JUST LET ME.
I NOTICED YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR PET
CAT ON YOUR PHONE. INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH,
BEFORE I EVER SAW THAT PICTURE I BECAME
MORE OF A CAT LOVER AND NOT JUST A DOG
LOVER. WHY THE RECENT CHANGE, YOU MIGHT
WONDER?
IT'S AMAZING! WE GUYS LOVE DOGS MORE THAN
CATS BECAUSE CATS WON'T DO WHAT WE WANT
THEM TO BUT DOGS WILL. SO DOGS INDULGE
OUR SELFISH DESIRE TO BE SELF-SERVING AND
CATS TEACH PEOPLE TO BE LESS SELF-SERVING
AND CATER MORE TO ANOTHER'S NEEDS.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE TWO COMPARISONS,
DOG-LOVERS (USUALLY MEN) AND CAT LOVERS
(OFTEN WOMEN) THAT HAS SINCE CAUSED ME TO
LIKE BOTH CATS AND DOGS MORE EQUALLY THAN
TO JUST BE A DOG LOVER.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE ONLY THING WE HAVE IN
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COMMON THAT COULD MAKE US A GREAT
COUPLE.
YOU DON'T USE STINKY STICKS NOR DO I.
(“STINKY STICKS” ARE ALSO CALLED
CIGARETTES). I CALL THEM THAT BECAUSE
SMOKING MAKES THE SMOKER STINK AND BEING
STINKY IS UGLY – NOT ATTRACTIVE. (USING
STINKY STICKS MAY BE WORSE THAN PEOPLE
THAT USE THE BATHROOM BUT THEN AFTER IT
THEY DON'T SUDS UP THEIR HANDS WITH SOAPY
BUBBLES FOR AT LEAST TWENTY SECONDS
BEFORE RINSING WITH WATER. GROSS! WHICH IS
ALMOST AS BAD AS SOMEONE NOT COUGHING
INTO THEIR ELBOW – ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY
HAVE GONORRHEA OF THE THROAT AS THEIR
“SORE THROAT” VERY SCARY.)
I'VE NOTICED THAT ON THE RARE OCCASIONS
THAT YOU SNEEZE, IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LARGE
TISSUE HANDY, YOU'RE FAST ENOUGH TO SNEEZE
INTO YOUR ELBOW. YOU'RE CLEAN AND SANITARY.
THAT'S FANTASTIC!
I ACTUALLY USE ENOUGH DEODORANT AND
COLOGNE TO SMELL APPEALING TO THOSE
AROUND ME. YOU WEAR PERFUME AND
DEODORANT. SO WE BOTH BELIEVE IN
PREVENTING B.O. AS AIR POLLUTION. THAT'S A
SUPER GREAT THING TO HAVE IN COMMON. (I
ASSUME YOU SHOWER DAILY, AS DO I. AND WE
BOTH DRESS WELL WITHOUT GOING TOTALLY
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BROKE IN THE PROCESS. THAT'S ANOTHER GOOD
THING.)
BUT BACK TO THE POINT OF MY TAKING YOU ON
A DATE.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T KNOW WHY I WOULD
WANT TO DATE YOU. ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT
YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. YOU'RE COOL
ABOUT TALKING ABOUT SPIRITUALITY AND GOD.
YOU DON’T SEE THE WORD “RELIGION” AS
SOMETHING UNCOOL OR SHAMEFUL OR
OFFENSIVE LIKE SOME PEOPLE DO. I LOVE THAT
YOU’RE COOL WITH STUFF LIKE THAT!
AFTER ALL, I BASICALLY ASKED YOU A WEEK AGO
IF YOU WANTED TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME
AND THE ONLY REPLY FROM YOU THAT I CAUGHT,
IF I UNDERSTOOD YOU CORRECTLY, WAS “YOU
HAVEN’T ACTUALLY ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE.”
OR, IN OTHER WORDS, I DIDN’T INVITE YOU TO A
SPECIFIC DATE, AS IN, A SPECIFIC ACTIVITY FOR A
SET DATE AND TIME.
SO NOW I SAY, OKAY. LET’S GO OUT THIS
FRIDAY. I’D LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT TO GO CHECK
OUT THE MUSEUM OF FINE ARTS AND THEN WE
CAN GO OUT TO EAT A NICE DINNER AND THEN
I’LL TAKE YOU HOME.
YOU HALF-CHUCKLED THAT YOU WOULDN’T EVEN
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KNOW WHAT A DATE WITH ME WOULD LOOK LIKE.
YOU SAID WE’VE BEEN SO MUCH LIKE FRIENDS
SO FAR THAT YOU COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT
A DATE WITH ME WOULD LOOK LIKE. SO ALLOW
ME TO HELP YOU OUT WITH THAT ONE.
THE CAR I WORKED FOR FOUR YEARS TO PAY FOR
IS A GLOSS BLACK LUXURY SEDAN WITH A
MIRROR TINTED MOON ROOF. IT’S ABOUT THREE
YEARS OLD BUT IT’S IN EXCELLENT CONDITION
AND IS NOT ONLY AN ELEGANT SIGHT TO LOOK
AT, BUT IT’S ALSO ONE OF THE MOST RELIABLE
BRANDS AND SAFEST MODELS AROUND.
I WOULD PICK YOU UP JUST AS THE SUN SETS
AND I WOULD BE WELL DRESSED AND WEAR A
NICE COLOGNE THAT BOTH OF US ENJOY. I
WOULD OPEN THE PASSENGER SIDE DOOR FOR
YOU TO SEAT YOU COMFORTABLY BEFORE I GET
BEHIND THE WHEEL (JUST AS A TRUE GENTLEMAN
SHOULD).
THEN WE WOULD MAKE OUR WAY TRAVELING
DOWN THE HIGHWAY AT THE PROPER SPEED LIMIT
OF SIXTY-FIVE MILES AN HOUR WITH THE SCENERY
ALL AROUND US OF MODERN BUILDINGS
REFLECTING VARIOUS COLORS OF THE SUNSET
AND OTHER BUILDING LIGHTS AND STREET LIGHTS
AS THE NIGHT BEGINS TO FALL ALL ACROSS THE
CITY.
SOME OF THE MOST CLASSY AND ROMANTIC
MUSIC YOU COULD IMAGINE WILL BE PLAYING
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SMOOTHLY THROUGH THE CUSTOM EIGHT
HUNDRED DOLLAR STEREO SURROUND SPEAKER
SYSTEM IN MY CAR. THE TEMPERATURE IN THE
CAR WILL BE EXACTLY TO YOUR LIKING – NOT TOO
HOT, NOT TOO COLD.
WHEN I PARK AT THE MUSEUM I'LL PARK RIGHT BY
SOME BEAUTIFUL BLOSSOMS OF FLOWERING
SHRUBS THAT SHOW OFF THE ELEGANT
LANDSCAPING THAT SURROUNDS THE MUSEUM
AND PARKING LOTS (UNLESS YOU'RE ALLERGIC.
AND IF THAT'S THE CASE, MAYBE WE SHOULD
PICK A DATE ACTIVITY THAT'S TOTALLY INDOORS
ALL NIGHT).
ONCE WE ARRIVE AT THE MUSEUM, AS WE ENTER
THROUGH THE TALL GLASS DOORS WE’LL SEE
SIGNS ALL AROUND ADVERTISING THE CURRENT
EXHIBIT. I’LL HAVE OUR TICKETS IN HAND AND
YOU’RE WELCOME TO KEEP YOUR TICKET STUB
AFTER WE ENTER IF YOU WANT IT AS
MEMORABILIA FOR LATER.
THERE WILL BE VARIOUS PEOPLE ALREADY THERE
LOOKING AT THE EXHIBITS AND MAYBE WE’LL
EVEN HEAR A FEW “OOOHS” AND “AHH’S”
QUIETLY MUMBLED FROM OTHERS FROM TIME TO
TIME. AND ALTHOUGH MOST WILL BE “OOH-ING”
AND “AHH-ING” OVER THE VARIOUS EXHIBITS,
SOME MAY DO SO OVER YOU BECAUSE THEY SEE
YOU AS A BEAUTIFUL WORK OF ART TOO. (AND
WHO CAN BLAME THEM?)
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WE’LL THEN GO TO A RESTAURANT THAT SERVES
FOODS THAT YOU WON’T HAVE ANY ALLERGIC
REACTIONS TO BECAUSE NO BEE STINGERS WILL
BE ON THE MENU (I CHECKED IN ADVANCE) AND
THEN WE’LL GO HOME. NICE, HUH?
SO ARE YOU READY? WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?
I CAN PICK YOU UP AT 7 PM THIS FRIDAY AND I’LL
WIN THE “BEST DATE OF THE YEAR” AWARD FROM
YOUR PARENTS BECAUSE I’LL MAKE SURE YOU’RE
BACK HOME SAFE AND SOUND BY ABSOLUTELY
NO LATER THAN 11 PM.
SO IF YOU CAN IMAGINE ALL OF THAT, I’LL SEE
YOU AT 7 PM THIS FRIDAY. DEAL?
LATER,
ME
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APRIL 29
YOU:
I’VE NEVER BEEN STOOD UP BEFORE UNTIL THE
FRIDAY OF WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR
DATE. YOUR MOM SAID YOU HAD CHANGED YOUR
MIND BUT SHE DIDN’T SAY WHY. AND SINCE YOU
SEEM TO BE AVOIDING ME IN THE HALLS AND AT
LUNCH I’LL ASK YOU, “WHY?”
WHY DID YOU CANCEL WITH ME FRIDAY WITHOUT
EVEN TELLING IT TO MY FACE? WHY DOES IT SEEM
LIKE YOU’RE AVOIDING ME?
DID SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT I SMACK MY LIPS
LOUDLY WHILE EATING AT RESTAURANTS? DID
SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT I HAVE A TENDENCY TO
BRING MY VERY OWN SILLY STRAW WITH ME TO
DRINK WITH AT DINNER? DID SOMEONE TELL YOU
THAT I PREFER TO MAKE UP A FOREIGN LANGUAGE
AS I ORDER JUST TO CONFUSE THE WAITER?
WELL IF ANYONE HAS TOLD YOU ANY OF THOSE
THINGS THEN JUST KNOW THAT THOSE ARE ALL
LIES; VISCOUS RUMORS SPREAD BY PEOPLE WHO
HAVE GONE OUT WITH ME TO DINNER BEFORE
AND OBSERVED MY DOING SIMILAR THINGS THAT
THEY THEN EXAGGERATED THROUGH THE EVILS OF
DATING GOSSIP.
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AND IF ANYONE TOLD YOU TO MAKE SURE I’M
NOT ACTUALLY A SUPER CREEPY GUY BY MAKING
SURE YOU READ GAVIN DE BECKER’S BOOK “THE
GIFT OF FEAR” BEFORE GOING OUT WITH ME OR
ANY OTHER GUY, THEN YOU SHOULD ALREADY
KNOW I’M A GOOD GUY TO GO OUT WITH. THAT
BOOK MAY GIVE GREAT ADVICE AS TO HOW TO
KNOW WHEN A GUY IS TRYING TO TRICK YOU TO
HARM YOU BUT YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW I
WOULD NEVER TRY TO TRICK YOU ON A DATE TO
HARM YOU ON A DATE OR AT ANY OTHER TIME.
AND I’M NOT TRYING TO SAY I’M AFRAID OF YOU
READING THAT BOOK EITHER. IN FACT, GO ON
AHEAD AND READ IT. THEN YOU’LL SEE I DON’T
FIT THE DESCRIPTION OF ANY OF THE CREEPY
STORIES ABOUT CREEPY GUYS THAT HURT GIRLS
AND WOMEN.
SO I’M PRETTY SURE I’M A SAFE DATE TO GO
OUT WITH. NOT THAT I’VE EVER DATED MYSELF, I
MEAN . . . NOT THAT I WOULD DATE MYSELF – I
MEAN . . . NOT THAT I WOULDN’T DATE
MYSELF. . . I MEAN . . . OH, FOR CRYING OUT
LOUD! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
LOOK. I’M JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. ABOUT
OUR FRIENDSHIP.
SO PLEASE, JUST TELL ME. ARE YOU OKAY? ARE
WE OKAY? ARE THINGS STILL COOL BETWEEN US?
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BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE THINGS AREN’T COOL
AND I’D LIKE TO FIX ANYTHING THAT YOU THINK
NEEDS FIXING. AND I CAN’T FIX THINGS VERY WELL
IF I DON’T KNOW HOW IT GOT BROKEN IN THE
FIRST PLACE. I’M WILLING TO MAN UP AND ADMIT
THAT MAYBE I’M AT FAULT FOR SOMETHING. I
JUST NEED TO KNOW HOW YOU THINK I’M AT
FAULT OR HOW I SCREWED UP WITH US IF YOU
THINK I DID.
PLEASE TALK TO ME.
SEE YOU LATER (HOPEFULLY),
ME
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