Finding Happiness
The cabin was at an altitude where snow had covered everything in thick heaps of fluffy, cold dunes. The woods were silent and one could only hear the mountain wind swishing through fir trees and snow loaded pine branches. There was a small town where we got some bags of groceries, gloves, winter hats and two new mobile phones, even though we weren't sure about the signal up in the woods.
Seloren looked at the tall cliffs that were lost in lazy clouds.
“So how are we gonna get up there?”
“We're not going to the top. The cabin is somewhere... over there.”
I pointed to the middle of the mountain where the forest was dense, under a wide plateau of snow enclosing a small lake, its water gleaming in the sun, reflecting the clear sky in the distance.
I explained:
“There's only a forest road going in that direction and right now it's covered by snow.”
“Great. Let me ask you again: how did you say we were gonna get to that cabin?” I really enjoyed the answer. I pointed to the shiny vehicles parked near us:
“By snowmobile. Actually, I rented two of them One for me and one for you.”
Seloren looked at me in disbelief. I was already having a good time, watching her expression turn from surprise to amusement:
“And you expect me to ride that high up the mountain?”
“Yep, I do. You'll have fun with it, I promise!”
“Don't promise me anything, Ky. I've never been on one of these before.”
“Aren't you tempted to see what it's like?”
She adjusted the woolen hat on her head, thinking. I could see she already envisioned the possibilities. There was a spark of curiosity and sudden excitement in her eyes. She looked like a teenager glancing at a roller coaster ticket. I was glad to finally see her begin to feel enchanted again by what was ahead of her. She had seemed so distant and reserved for too long, and yet the new adventure revived her mood and I could hear joy in her voice:
“I'll give it a try.”
“Great! Let's go!”
I showed her the basic principles of riding the snowmobile. Then we climbed on and started the engines.
“You go ahead”, she said. “I'll try to keep up, unless I roll over in the snow and you'll have to bring some reindeer and a sleigh to get me out.”
“Don't worry, it's not so difficult. Escaping from that taxi was a lot more challenging.”
“I wouldn't bet on it.”
There she was, the Seloren I used to know, coming to light again. Her cheerful and playful tone reminded me of the time when we had no worries, even if a war was going on around us. It suddenly seemed to me I had been waiting for years to be there with her: just us and the mountains and an entire universe brimming with love, like the snow loaded trees around us. It was that feeling of a miracle waiting to come true around the corner, as the sunlight was reflecting dancing auras on the path ahead of us and trees scattered fluffy snow flakes on our heads, while we were enjoying the ride as if we had won the lottery of freedom. I was certain we had won so much more than a moment of happiness: we had discovered one of the best gifts life could ever bring - the love we had for each other. I knew Seloren was close to remembering it as it had been long ago. I knew she still had it in her heart and it could never be completely lost.
We arrived at the cabin full of hope and joy. The fresh mountain air seemed to give us a high sensation. The heaps of snow spreading everywhere around had a smell of cold and fluff, a soft and quiet presence.
“It's like that place where we met for the first time”, I said when we got off the snowmobiles. “Remember?”
She looked around and her smile faded somehow. Suddenly, she became silent. I wondered what was wrong.
“Is it just my impression, or you don't like being reminded of the past?”
“I don't remember the past. That's the problem.”
“It's okay. You will, someday. And even if you don't... we can enjoy the present and make it more significant than the past.”
She didn't seem convinced of my belief. I wanted to remain optimistic, but she had some reserve regarding the feelings and interactions she couldn't bring out of the dark. I didn't want to ask if she'd met guys who meant so much more to her than me, because I knew I wouldn't like the answer. As it was, she could easily compare a lost memory to a more recent, more fulfilling experience, only to my disadvantage. I may have been unwise in many ways, but I was smart enough not to ask that question to her. I could have been the best love of her life and she wouldn't know it. So there was no point in comparing anyone to me. I was prepared to let it slip away, instead of setting a trap for myself. I believed it was better to stand up alone than to stand down in a line.
We went inside the cabin. Everything was made of wood. There was an upstairs bedroom with wooden beds and wooden walls. There was a fireplace and I quickly found some chopped wood on the back porch. As soon as I made the fire the temperature started to change in the rooms, even if it still felt like a chilly cavern.
Seloren curled up in an armchair, with a blanket around her shoulders and her hat still on, checking the phone.
“Is there any signal?” I asked, while tending to the fire.
“It's faint and unstable. I'm not sure we could call anyone from up here.”
“Maybe that's a good thing.”
“How?”
“Nobody can call us, nobody knows where we are.” And I smiled. She shook her head.
“I must reach out to the other scientists. I missed the conference and I didn't deliver the information I discovered.”
“But you don't have their numbers. You lost your phone.”
“I had a list of emails in my briefcase. It was taken away by the... whoever they were.”
“You still have the flash drive.”
“If I could access my email, I would find some contact numbers on the invitation flier that I received when I was notified about the conference. But the signal is almost inactive.”
“We'll go to an internet cafe tomorrow. You'll get those numbers. For now, forget about everything.”
“That shouldn't be too hard. It's freezing in this cabin.”
“I'll make us some tea.”
“I wonder if there's any hot water. I could use a shower...”
I looked at her, as she was resting comfortably under the blanket and the image from my dream flashed before my eyes. I still couldn't get it: why had I dreamed about such an audacious, amazingly appealing closeness when she was clearly shutting off her attraction to me, avoiding it on purpose?
The cabin had central heating, functioning on wood as well. I made sure the hot water was running. In the meantime, she went into the shower and I made some tea, for the gingerbread cookies we had brought to the cabin. The smell of shampoo and shower gel seeped into the living room when Seloren returned, wrapped in a long woolen jumper, rubbing a towel on her wet hair.
I couldn't help sighing, when I saw her. “You can't do this to me.”
She stopped moving the towel around her head and stared at me attentively.
“What am I doing to you now?”
“Don't tell me you forgot when you said let's do it in the bathroom.”
“I must have said a lot of things back then... You seem to know much more than I can recall.”
I went on:
“You also probably don't remember when you said you liked me most when I was wet from the rain. And when I put my head under the sink, to drink the tap water from the washing room.”
Her eyes flashed for a second.
“Oh, I think that just surfaced in my mind... you entered the dorm and water was dripping from your head to your shoulders. I was on my bed in the barrack. It was in the first days after we met. I thought you were totally out of your mind... and not in bad way to say the least.”
“You couldn't take your eyes off me in that moment... it was the first time your attraction to me was obvious, with that overwhelming light in your smile. I didn't understand it then: what's with you and water anyway?”
“I don't know.”
“You know water means emotion?”
She placed the towel on the chair and went to check the tea that was steaming in the cups.
I noticed she didn't answer, trying to change the conversation topic:
“So what time are we going to the internet tomorrow?”
I was astounded by her stubborn attempt to divert me from what mattered most between us: if love was still what we had together, I wasn't going to just give it up.
“I see what you're doing here. You've been doing it for a while now and probably for many years. You shut down your emotions. You're afraid you'll be too vulnerable if you let yourself feel what is unpredictably deeper than the scientific data you're preoccupied with. You're afraid of the unexplained things that make you more than average, so you level them down instead of letting them expand and take you beyond. You think you'll suffer for it, so you'd rather remain unmoved from your tasks... but it's just a cover.”
She became defensive.
“These scientific tasks are indeed more important. They are who I am. I must keep my head clear, keep my cool and not make any mistakes when I analyze and discover the results. People's lives depend on it. I can't focus on how I feel.”
She sat down, holding the hot cup in her hands, watching the steam dance on the surface of the tea. I wanted to reach to her heart and I knew I had to make her see the truth.
“I understand the nature of your profession, but I think there's someone very afraid underneath that cool and collected attitude you struggle to maintain. You can't extinguish the side of you that cares, just because you're afraid to be disappointed. You convinced yourself that emotions are damaging to your structure and you decided to avoid and diminish them. That's how you started to forget, you denied your own feelings. You wanted to erase them. Instead, you were just hiding them from yourself.”
She looked at me. For the first time in many days, her eyes had a direct, intense glare, as if something deep and painful was coming to light.
“I might not remember everything like you do, but I never forgot for one second in so many years that I lost you! And I'm too afraid I'm gonna lose you again...”
Her eyes almost filled with tears and she put down the cup on the table. She sank in the chair, covering her face with her hands. I came closer, kneeling in front of her. She got down on the floor too, while her crying took over and she started sobbing. I didn't know if it was from the tension of the last days, the despair of the last years or the uncertainty of the present. I didn't know if it was from suppressed feelings or hidden disappointments, desolation or simply being tired. It was the second time in my life I saw her cry and I couldn't let her sink into it.
“Hey, it's alright... it's gonna be fine. You won't lose me... not now, not ever.”
I took her hands slowly away from her wet face, revealing her shiny eyes. She stared at me, trying to smile, and at that moment I saw her teenage soul right in front of me, open and honestly, irrevocably in love. I leaned forward and I kissed her, sliding my arms around her and she surrendered to it with a sigh of relief. We rolled over on the carpet, melting in a hungry kiss and forgetting where we were, sharing the warmth that was rising in our hearts, the craving that had been lurking for so many years of being absent from each other.
We melted together on the floor, kissing for endless minutes until her tears were dry and her cheeks started to blush, while her breathing became deeper and irregular. My hands reached under her woolen sweater, touching her warm soft breasts, and I felt her fingers sinking in my hair, her legs tightening her grip behind my back.
“Do you want me?” I whispered to her. “Do you even have to ask?”
It wasn't necessary to ask, because her body and her soul had already shown to me in that hungry embrace that she was anticipating it. However, I insisted on hearing it from her, to have it spoken out loud in undeniable words, for the time she had kept me away, the years we had lost in absent silence.
“Tell me.”
“I want you, Ky”, she replied with her eyes closed in a dreamy fever. “I missed you so much.”
“Say you truly want me now... or there'll be no sex happening.”
She opened her eyes and looked directly into mine, deeply longing for me, the same as years ago when she had asked me, almost in a prayer, to get into her bed and spend the night.
“No sex has never worked for me,” she confessed, warning me of it.
I knew that. She had been the one initiating it most of the time, in the beginning. I paused above her.
“Are we gonna finish what we started?”
“You're trembling”, she said.
“I don't know why. You're shivering too, by the way...”
It must have been the anticipation and the excitement.
I was shaking harder and she held me tight, looking steadily in my eyes. I got lost in the brightness of her stare.
“I want us to be together”, she assured me.
In my mind, I was still halted by the years we'd been apart. It was as if we were two new persons, getting to know each other again, from the beginning.
“I need to know that I'm what you really want, before we do anything.”
She didn't hesitate – instead, there was eagerness in her voice:
“I really want to feel you inside me, Ky... Let's do it.”
It was more than I needed to set my mind on fire. Only she could have said those words to me in such a way that my soul would rise up through the doors of another level of awareness, like a deeper revelation, setting me free of any reserve. The desire was irresistible.
I moved closer and she responded, adjusting herself to make it easy, breathing at the same time with me, picking up on my rhythm and increasing it. Our embrace was beyond expectations. We let it flow like water, smooth and going deeper with each move. Neither of us considered the new discovered intimacy a trophy or a confirmation and we weren't searching for a validation of each other's need to be worthy of love, but we seemed to find something more than that: a new way of being alive. An unexpected gift of happiness unwrapped itself for us. We already had it in our minds, but it was as if we wanted to make each other see it come true, like a dream that needed to happen instantaneously. We went ahead, searching for it as if plunging into an ocean, into a tide that swept us on and on, rolling around with us while we were exploring each other in a new way, for the first time. We didn't stop until we surpassed the edge of every boundary we had ever imagined that could stand in the way of the new life we wanted ahead of us, until we envisioned reality finally changing into a new beginning, a new existence in a universe that would never take us from each other again. We redefined ourselves, our notions of each other and the world around us in a reinventing process. It was almost as if the world began again with us making love to each other. We sank into love as if to make one another believe it was infinitely and truly ours, forever.
The next morning I woke up in the bedroom. I was leaning halfway on the edge of the bed. Light was coming from the window on the ceiling. I could see the sky and the snow flakes landing on the glass. I wondered if it had been a dream. I recalled making love to Seloren the entire night. It had been so powerful, that I could hardly rewind everything in my mind. We had been enjoying it on the floor, in front of the fireplace and then again, up in the blankets of the wooden bedroom, insatiably, endlessly reaching heights of happiness we'd never thought possible. I opened my eyes to the morning light and yawned. Seloren was sleeping on the other side of the bed. We were both naked under the sheets. I didn't know when and how we had removed our clothes, because it had been such a frantic, incredible night... My mind was light and my spirit lifted, ecstatic in a way I discovered as if it was the first day of my life.
I slipped out of the bed and into the shower. I turned on the warm water, letting it run on my head and down my body, enjoying the peaceful, serene sensation of absolute happiness. I knew I loved her and she was able and willing to do anything to make my dreams come true, in such an unexpected way, just by being herself.
“Hey you... good morning”, I heard Seloren say and I saw her standing in the doorway, looking at my completely wet figure under the shower.
She had a happy smile on her face and I smiled back. “Hi there...”
I was fully aware of standing naked in front of her, but it seemed so easy to do that, without even thinking for a second about it.
It seemed she was feeling safe in my presence too, because she stepped forward, getting closer and sliding under the curtain of water with me. I took a step sideways to let her stand near. Her hand reached for the shower knob and turned the water heat up.
“Should I find a bathrobe or something?” I asked her.
She touched my back with her hand, softly caressing the scars from the war.
“You don't need anything. You're perfect.”
After we had explored each other the entire night, the sight of our bodies in daylight was still something new and enticing. It felt wonderful to be completely naked in front of one another. It was liberating. I loved it. I felt at ease. I didn't feel exposed, but happy to be myself without any shields.
“I should write a message to your parents”, she joked. “Why would you do that?”
“To thank them for your existence.”
And she looked in my eyes with that light that I recognized, that overwhelming brightness. I was amazed at the fact that she was really in love with me.
She turned to embrace me under the running hot water and we kissed, our wet faces enjoying the shower on our skin. I was about to kiss every part of her, through the steam and splashing drops that were spreading everywhere.
“You know what”, I said between kisses. “We're finally doing it in the bathroom, as you always wanted...”
After an hour spent in the shower, we got dressed and went out in town, to find an internet connection and get the list of phone numbers from the conference flier.
She retrieved the list from her email, accessing the wireless signal of a coffee shop where we had breakfast. She immediately started calling the scientists, explaining and discussing details I really didn't listen to. I was eating my sandwich, sipping coffee and watching her as she continued the conversation on the phone, glancing out the window at the snow covered forests... and I was thinking to myself how beautiful, how splendidly incredible and stunning she was and how grateful I felt that such an amazing creature had been mine the night before... mine, the whole night... and in the morning again. It was inspiring to me that we were absolutely together, so madly in love, after I had almost given up on us.
“I'm so glad I agreed to come here with you”, she told me, after she ended the conversation over the phone and placed it on the table. “I wasn't hoping anymore we'd find each other like this... but now... it's so much more than before.”
“It's like a honeymoon, right?” She laughed.
“Yeah, except I'm not very interested in marriage.”
It was something unexpected, because she had dreamed about us getting married in the past. However, the many years of being on her own, independent and avoiding attachment had probably shifted her perspective. I didn't want to insist on it, because I'd never been one to believe in getting married just for the sake of a piece of paper, so it didn't matter to me. Having found love with her was more important than our social status. I replied casually:
“Me neither... But it's nice to see what it's like to love without the limitations of war, other people or unnecessary worries... I'm happy to finally be free with you.”
She looked away.
“I'm still worried, nevertheless...”
“What did you find out from those scientists?”
“There will be another conference next week. I could go to present the information on the flash drive, but I don't know which way would be safe. Those people who attacked us... they can be anywhere: on the train, on the plane... just anywhere. How do we avoid them?”
I thought about something.
“There may be a way to get you where you need to be. Let me make a phone call.” I dialed the number of the fire department where I had worked in the recent months, ever since the radiation had affected the world. I discussed with the management and explained the situation was urgent, of utmost importance. I was granted the request for assistance.
“Well, I think I arranged something for you”, I told Seloren. “We have to wait until tomorrow morning and we'll find an answer to this.”
We returned to the cabin. We spent hours cuddling on the couch, watching movies and having lunch, warm soup and baked potatoes, that we prepared together. Inevitably, soon enough we ended up in each other's arms, making love again. It was like a new discovered feeling, completely liberating. In the evening, we went for a walk outside. The silent mountains and the bright stars above, the shadows of the trees, the whispering branches, everything reminded me of the place where we had met for the first time. I didn't know what the future could bring us, but I knew we wouldn't drift away, not if we really wanted to remain together. After only two days in the fresh air Seloren seemed to feel much better. The radiation effects were dissipating. Her appetite was healthier and there was a new glow in her eyes.
We paused in the moonlight, looking around at the mysterious forests. The lake had a thin layer of ice on its edges, but the dark water reflected the brightness of the night sky, in the middle of the mountains. It was impressive being there. Either our elated mood or the surroundings made the moment mesmerizing and we glanced at the breathtaking view in a daze.
“I have a surprise for you tonight”, she said, leaning against me and smiling through the darkness.
“Do you? What kind of surprise? Like this?”
I slowly unzipped her winter jacket. She laughed and grabbed my hands, stopping me before I reached the end of the zipper.
“No, not here.”
“Why not? Don't tell me you're suddenly shy with me...”
“Not shy, but cold, Ky! I'm freezing. Let's go back to the cabin! We walked enough.”
“Okay.”
We returned to the warmth of the wooden cabin. After keeping the fire burning for days in the fireplace and the central heating, the house was cozy and comfortable. Seloren made me wait in the living room and went upstairs to get the surprise she had mentioned. When she returned, I looked at her and remained speechless.
“Wow... just... wow!”
I stared at her, stunned by her apparition. She was dressed in a black mini skirt, high heeled shoes and burgundy colored blouse that fell on her thin shoulders in waves. It made her look elegant, fragile and alluring at the same time. She had let her hair down and I noticed golden earrings, matching her sparkling eyes. I stood up, amazed and impressed by the unexpected sight.
“This is a surprise, for sure.”
She noticed my hypnotized stare and explained simply:
“I saw how you reacted when you met me dressed for the conference. I wouldn't have thought you'd care about these things... I wanted to do this for you. I know it's probably not the time and place, but I wanted to make the gesture anyway.”
I suddenly realized we hadn't danced together in a long time. I plugged the stereo and let the music create a dreamy mood. The song I selected was slow.
“Come dance with me”, I said and took her in my arms, carefully touching the velvet fabric that covered her.
She smiled, sliding her hands around my neck. We swayed together, listening to the music. Just holding her was making the night seem magical. The flames from the fireplace were flickering light between us.
“I know this song”, she said, listening to the lyrics. “Because the sky is blue... love is all, love is you...”
“You wrote the words for me on a note, when we were in the army.”
“I listen to this song all the time.”
I wondered if she had been listening to it and thinking about me, all those years. I wished and wanted to believe that, even if she had lost her memories, the feeling was undeniably present... she had accepted, embraced and turned it into a new level of truth the night before. There was no going back to being just friends. Not anymore... not ever again...
The next morning, she prepared to leave for the conference. We had a quick breakfast of toast, cheese and tea and we went outside to wait for the ride.
I hadn't told her what kind of ride she would get, and I didn't reveal anything about it, not even until the last minute. It was supposed to be under the radar, and I couldn't risk us being listened to, so I didn't mention what was about to happen, not to undermine the entire plan. Instead of going downhill to town, we went up to the snowy plateau, where we waited.
I was wondering if the ride would be there, or some other unwanted turn of events. In a few minutes, we heard an engine, coming from around the rocky cliffs.
She looked up. “What's that?”
“Your ride: it's here.”
The sound was unmistakable: a helicopter propeller. It appeared from behind the mountain, scattering the snow everywhere in a whirlwind of white blizzard. It landed near us on the plateau, by the lake and the door opened. I recognized the crew from the firefighter department, but there were also two men in suits. I stepped towards the open door of the chopper, trying to talk to the men who had come to ensure the safe ride for Seloren.
“We're from the secret service”, they addressed me. “We're having an investigation going on and your girlfriend can provide us valuable information.”
“Yes, she sure can. But please do watch out for her at that conference. We've been already attacked and kidnapped once and we hardly escaped. I wouldn't want it to happen to her again.”
“Don't worry. We're here for that reason. We'll be there with her.”
I made a sign to Seloren and she approached the helicopter trustingly.
I suddenly understood that she trusted the situation because she trusted me, before anything.
I helped her get on and closed the glass door.
She saw me standing there and figured