Part 4:
Embodying the Better You
Your physical appearance should come as close as possible to who you feel you are within.
So, get to work!
Be Healthy Inside and Out
It all starts with a healthy physical lifestyle. In the 21st century, nearly all of us already know what this means. But it merits repeating here: you need to eat right, get enough exercise and sleep, and avoid abusing yourself (with work, stress, smoking, drugs, alcohol, dangerous substances, etc.).
Have you ever noticed how a small problem seems like a huge one when you haven’t got the proper amount of sleep or nutrients? Normally, when you are well rested, well nourished, and have been maintaining a decent level of physical activity,
you find yourself as spry and optimistic as…well, a kindergartener. Like an energetic and eternally-happy child at a game of ping-pong, you find yourself able to identify the fastest and most efficient way to deal with “problems” that come your way. Somehow, the “problems” become more like a challenging game. You can either defeat them or and deflect them from your path, to be dealt with on another day. Your stress level is less, and the image you naturally project to other people is that of someone who can “roll with the punches” and handle anything that comes your way.
But when you fail to pay attention to your mental and physical health, you become irritable. You even gain unwanted weight, despite cutting back on what you eat (because you end up eating junk or fast food, or an entirely wrong diet). You look haggard, and are constantly on the verge of venting out some inner frustration. Eventually, other people stop wanting to spend more time with you.
So what’s your situation? Are you someone that others want to be around with? Have you actually been depriving yourself of basic healthy living?
You must pretend that finding and winning your soul mate is like training for the Olympics. You must be an athlete of life, for life.
Eat the proper amount of food (never too little or too much) and make sure to include all the food groups. Cut back on non-essential fats, excess carbohydrates, sugars, salts and alcohol (and consume them in moderation). Eat organic as much as possible, and try to eat fresh food over anything else. If you have a hard time motivating yourself to eat healthily, just imagine that by eating this food you will become incredibly healthy, and more desirable in the eyes of the one you want to win over.
With eating comes exercise. Walk at least 30 minutes to an hour a day, enough to raise your heart rate and sweat. Try doing little tasks the “long way”. For example, go get up to change the TV channel instead of using the remote control.
Take the stairs when you can, instead of the elevator; walk or bike when you can, instead of taking the car. Take advantage of the day you clean house; you’ll burn more calories that day!
Physical Beauty and Style
It’s a magic cycle: When you are confident about yourself, you will naturally take pride in your physical appearance at all times—and then, having an attractive appearance will in turn boost the confidence you already have.
This is also why how you dress and groom yourself should look natural, classy and within the right context. The good taste and classiness you display on the outside will influence how you look and feel inside. Dress like trash, and pretty soon you will start acting and thinking like trash! Worse, you will attract trashy people.
But you can be sexy without resorting to a cheap, over-the- top sexual look for yourself. All you have to do is implement the following simple ideas into your life:
• Take a hard look at your face and body. Like you did with your own inner character, identify which aspects of your physical appearance are “assets”. Decide also which aspects need improvement—and can be improved.
Otherwise, you must learn to accept and work around what you cannot change. (Yes, it’s hard. Nobody said it was easy. But it’s the only way to get through life.)
• Plan in detail how you can improve and enhance what you can about your physical looks. Given your present available time, money and resources, create for yourself a regular schedule for beauty or grooming routines. Think about when and how to get a flattering hairstyle, good glowing skin, fit body, healthy teeth, good eyesight, a proper pedicure/ manicure, etc.
• When it comes to clothes, shoes, hairstyles and general fashion, carefully observe and compare today’s fashion trends vs. fashion classics. Avoid being too trendy (i.e. risqué) or too classic (i.e. boring). You should choose ideas from both camps which suit and flatter your body type, age, character, personality and social milieu.
• Fashion trends always seem to come back in a full circle— but that doesn’t mean you should keep all the clothes you have had for more than ten years, in the hopes that you can use them again. Remember, you age and change with time. A particular piece that seemed to suit you very well a decade ago may look silly on you now. So pack them up, and go get something that suits your body type and personality today.
• Be patient and observant when it comes to developing your own fashion sense. It may take a bit of time and some experimentation for you to figure out what “works” with your body type and personality. But above all: always try to look intelligent and classy—never trashy.
• Keep yourself scrupulously clean! Shower or bathe daily, or after every time you sweat heavily. Scrub or exfoliate if you must. And yes, don’t forget to clean gently but religiously in those hard-to-reach or “forgotten” places! Nothing turns people off like seeing dirt in the following places: fingernails, toenails, nostrils, ears (front and back), neck, belly-button, underarms, knees and elbows— and in numerous other visible creases!
• Invest in your skin when you can. Keep your skin (on your face and body) in its best condition through a healthy lifestyle, and simple but effective cleaning routines. When you can afford to, consult a dermatologist how you can keep your particular skin type looking and feeling its best. Wear sunscreen and keep out of the sun if you must to protect your skin (but don’t stay away from the sun altogether—you do need sunshine for Vitamin D, and to keep your mind cheerful).
• You need a brilliant, clean smile. Make sure your teeth always look and feel like they have been professionally cleaned. When you can, invest in your teeth; have them whitened, straightened, filled out or fixed in the best way possible to produce an even smile. Your smile will come bigger when you actually want to show off your teeth!
• Fix your hair! It should always frame your face in the most flattering way possible. Make sure the cut, color and style matches your hair type (i.e. you don’t have to resort to using an inordinate amount of hair products to achieve the look). Make sure it also matches your personality, lifestyle and comfort level. The last thing you want is literally being unable to focus on everyday actions because of your hair (i.e. falling into your eyes, or having to be constantly attended to). Be kind to your hair, and don’t over-style it, either.
• For women: use the proper amount of makeup. You should always consider the time of day and the occasion when deciding how much makeup to use. So what’s proper? The proper amount means anyone at that occasion and time can look at you and honestly say they see you—not someone hidden behind overly-colorful or clever makeup. There are times when you should put on makeup—you want other people to know you value yourself and the occasion enough to look well put-together. But regardless of the occasion, it’s you who should shine, not your makeup. You should hardly notice it on. My personal tip: Make sure to put emphasis on your eyes, as your eyes are the window to your soul.
• For men – consider the effects of facial hair. Today’s facial hair styles are wonderfully varied, helping men enhance or balance out the general shape of their face, all while making a personal statement. You should take the time to see various examples of today’s fashionable beards, goatees, mustaches, five o’clock shadows, sideburns, and any combination of these. But does your facial hair make you feel sexy, or are you finding you are “playing around” with it too much? Facial hair (in all different styles) looks incredibly sexy if it doesn’t cause a distraction. And does it pose a problem for your skin? If facial hair for you is distracting and problematic, just go clean-shaven instead.
• You need to smell good, all the time and at any age. But as far as fragrances, go, go easy on them; wear just enough to get some interest—and never too much that it seems like you’re about to drown yourself and others in it! Cologne or perfume is meant to be a subtle way to get people to notice you. But if you have too much on, people will think you are trying to cover up something. At can actually give some people headaches or serious allergic reactions, so go easy.
Poise and Manners
Once you have a beautiful inner character, complete health, self-confidence, and a smart fashion sense to boot, you’re all set…right?
Not quite! You still need to have the right presentation for all that. Presentation here means poise and manners. Like icing on a cake or polish on silver, consider it the last essential ingredient to the whole “new you” package. When combined with everything else you’ve developed, poise and manners create an aura that’s riveting to behold. It’s what helps people see you first in a crowd within the first ten seconds, and helps keep their eyes on you.
This aura is similar to what actors call “stage presence”. It’s not hammy acting or posing. It’s that “X-factor”, that irresistible something or je ne se quois that makes people stop and notice one particular actor, above all the rest, when they go on stage.
“Stage presence” can be subtly carried into real life as well. While the “X-factor” is something unique to a particular person and can never be duplicated in another, cultivating the proper poise and manners helps bring out your own “X-factor”.
So what makes up proper poise and manners?
1.) Proper posture.
This is literally how you hold up your entire spine as you move around in everyday life. It’s more than just the old- fashioned “back straight, chin up” missive. There’s attitude and a bit of athleticism involved here. Who you are will be reflected in precisely how you keep your back straight and your chin up.
A few examples: A dancer holds himself or herself up differently from a confident business entrepreneur, or an athletic mountaineer. Or, a person with military training actually walks differently from a yoga enthusiast, or a martial arts expert. Fashion models also exhibit a different kind of poise.
It all depends on who you are. Pay close attention what particular sort of stance and walk feel most natural to you, and stick to it—keep your back straight and chin up as you move in that particular style.
Your particular brand of sexuality will also manifest itself in how you hold yourself up and move. In general, females look as though they are dancing, and males move with muscular power. But we all have varying levels of “femininity” and “masculinity” in our personalities. Some men incorporate a fluid gentleness in their stance, while some women display a small swagger that contrasts nicely with their curves. You will have to figure out what sort of moving style is most natural to your character and personality.
A few more tips:
• If you feel you lack inspiration for developing your own poise, do a quick observational scan of people the next time you step into a room or gathering. See if there is one particular man or woman to whom everyone else seems to be gravitating towards. What is it about this person that has all eyes on him or her? Is there something about this person that you know you can emulate?
• In case you feel the concept of maintaining poise is a bit outdated, just think about how enduring the presence and stature of the following classic icons still are, to this day:
- Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis
- Grace Kelly
- Robert Redford
- Paul Newman
2.) Deliberate movements
As much as possible, you must always move deliberately. What do I mean by this?
Unless a person is afflicted with some neurological disease, you can always tell when someone is a nervous, distracted, troubled or insecure character. Ever notice how some people seem to have an infinite number of “little unnecessary moves”? Every few seconds or so they flip or twirl a hair strand, scratch something, move their eyes around too often, tug or fix something on their clothing, and fidget mindlessly (e.g. tap their finger, sway or shake a foot or knee like there’s a silent motor inside). Somehow they move differently and in contrast to someone who’s confident and bubbly.
Try to avoid doing all these fidgety moves yourself. They cancel out whatever “poise” you attempt. They may even annoy the people around you.
Avoiding unnecessary moves can be tricky and difficult. If you’re afflicted with these little gestures, you may find that the more you pay attention to “keeping poise”, the more self- conscious and nervous you become—and the more you fidget.
The cure lies in having the right inner focus. You need to focus constantly and passionately on what you want to achieve in life, that’s more important than physical poise. If you happen to walk into a room filled with gorgeous, poised and accomplished people, and you momentarily feel like you’re under-dressed and out of your league—SO WHAT? Is completely “belonging” to that crowd or impressing everybody more important than whatever pain or hardship you’ve had to overcome in the past, or what you’ve achieved? Is it more important than what you have to accomplish tomorrow? Is it going to matter years from now, when you look back on your life in your old age?
When you place everything in this perspective, you can begin to calm down inside and relax. When you relax, all the unnecessary fidgeting disappears. You have the right mindset and motivation to support your poise. You stop being too self- conscious. You can start observing other people, instead of “observing” yourself.
And without even really trying, you start sitting, standing, walking and moving in a fluid and more deliberate manner.
In effect, your natural body language sends out a message that you have intelligence, class, elegance, and sex appeal, all at the same time.
Here now are a few useful, deliberate gestures that you can use:
• Try to “lean” slightly into the person you want to have a meaningful conversation with. The “lean” is a useful and subtle way of letting someone know you are very interested in them, and in what they have to say.
• Maintain eye contact most of the time with the person you’re talking to. It not only indicates interest in the person you’re speaking to, but also your self-confidence.
• If you are engaged in a meaningful conversation with someone, you may reach a point where you can gently touch the top of his or her shoulder. This simple touch shows the person you are interested in them, and are enjoying the conversation. However, this is a very subjective effect—subject to the culture you’re in. If you aren’t sure such a touch will be well-received, err on the side of caution and do no touching.
• Smile! A smile advertises that you’re approachable and easy to talk to. It captivates an audience. But remember: a real smile isn’t a set of white teeth you flash out automatically. It’s actually warmth and sincerity from your heart, spilling out of your eyes and smile.
(Otherwise, you will look like you’re wearing a plastic grin.) A real smile makes other people feel better and more receptive to you. Another plus: a real smile also helps you identify the negative or troubled people—these are the ones who remain unaffected, grumpy or distracted, despite being given a kind, warm smile.
• Avoid keeping your arms crossed in front of your chest as a “default” rest position. Without saying a word, this tells people you do not want to be talking anyone at all.
• Another big no-no “default” rest position: standing with your hands in your pockets. That’s fine occasionally, but if you’re caught with that stance more than 50% of the time, many people will think you’re nervous, restless, smug, a “rebel without a cause” (even after adolescence), or plain “shifty”. If you find it difficult to keep your hands still without stuffing them into pockets, try occasionally crossing your hands over one another, either in front or back, or just relax and let them hang by your sides. Pretty soon you’ll get used it.
3.) Basic courtesy gestures
In the 21st century, lady-like or gentlemanly gestures can seem archaic and parochial.
Opening doors for a lady and letting her through first; standing up when an older person (male or female) comes into a room; introducing people to one another and giving firm handshakes; eating with your mouth closed, etc.—are these still important?
They still are. Such gestures communicate basic respect for other people in a way words can’t. You should make them part of your particular brand of poise and natural manner. Study and practice them until they become second nature to you!
Word Selection and Tone of Voice
But enough about poise, manners, and physical appearance. There’s an even more important lesson you need to remember when transforming yourself into a magnetic character.
You need to think before you speak to others. Careful word selection and tone of voice is your secret weapon for snaring people’s minds and hearts—including that of your potential dream mate.
• Make sure your words have depth of meaning! It’s not just about being eloquent, well-read, well-traveled, or having a huge vocabulary to show off. It’s how consistent you are in your thoughts, words and actions. Are you logical? Did you really, really research and mull over what you know about a particular topic or issue—or are you simply opening your mouth and spewing out whatever idle thought you have at the moment? Does what you say and do now harmonize with what you said and did five minutes ago, or yesterday? Or are you actually contradicting yourself?
The best potential dream mates can spot an inconsistency immediately and get turned off by it. So be vigilant with yourself in this area!
• Even with self-confidence, strive to be kind, thoughtful and humble at heart.
• Try to be honest and diplomatic at all times with every word that comes out of your mouth. Your motto should be: Truth well-told, and well-timed.
• Don’t guess at an answer you don’t know. Nobody knows everything, and no one expects one person to be the source of all knowledge! When you pretend to be something you’re not, you end up actually losing credibility. If you don’t know or know very little about something you’re being asked about, have the confidence and grace to say, “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I know little about that. But I’d love to know more. What can you tell me about it?”
• Do not underestimate the power of tone of voice.
Miscommunications can occur when the tone or mood of your voice doesn’t match your words (or your body language, for that matter). We’re already often admonished to be careful about the fonts of the words we choose to write letters, emails and text messages with; how much more careful should we be when we deal with other people face to face!
• Even more care should be taken when you use the phone.
Nobody else can see your face; they only go by your words and your tone of voice. Try to communicate precisely and succinctly how you feel in your choice of words and tone of voice—and try to be kind and welcoming as you do so. Remember, you want to always have a voice that invites people to trust you.
A sense of humor
Everyone wants to be around someone with a sense of humor. If this doesn’t come naturally to you, observe and practice. Watch comedians and study how they are able to captivate a crowd. Is there something about what they talk about that you’d naturally say in real life?
More importantly, is there something about life in general that you find comedic? Can your comedic view of life’s difficulties be shared with others, to help them cope? If you can say yes to both questions, you have what it takes to be a truly magnetic person! People want to linger around people who make them feel good and hopeful about life. Be that person, and you’ll be amazed at how many like-minded, really beautiful people you will attract.