Rahul had always been the source of joy and happiness in everyone’s life. He had lived for others and spread so much love around that no one could help but love him. His parents were uncontrollable in their grief, Rahul was their only son, the joy of their life, the reason they lived for. Their loss was as great as mine (in fact greater). While they held on to each other sharing and releasing their pain, I on the other hand was frozen emotionally and couldn’t seem to get myself out of it or accept my reality. Both moms came to me trying to get some reaction out of me but I just could not respond. I knew the minute I would face reality I would lose Rahul forever. I knew they were worried but none of it mattered because for me Rahul was the only person I valued.
It had been three weeks since I lost the one person who had made life worth living. All our relatives were gone, the regular flow of people expressing their condolences had stopped and we were back living our normal routines. Life does not stop for anyone it keeps moving but for me time 105
had stopped. I was now living in a shell where I continued to breathe, eat when fed, sleep when told, sit where I was made to but a part of me was as dead as Rahul. I didn’t feel anything neither hurt nor pain. I was just living because I had no choice. I know my vegetative state of mind and body was worrying both the parents, even the doctors did not know what to do but I was helpless. I just could not help anyone. In my mind I was in a state of bliss, I could always feel Rahul’s presence with me and that was my only reality.
I would sit in my room talking to Rahul telling him all that I saw. I would describe events from our past. I did not know if I was talking aloud or just in my mind, Rahul was always present. Aashi was super worried and tried all that she had ever learnt to help me come out from my frozen state. She even consulted her seniors for help and treatment to break through my void but failed. She would sit with me talking about Rahul in the hope to penetrate my shell but she couldn’t because I always felt he was there with us. I would just listen without responding and sometimes not even registering.
What finally broke the camel’s back was when my mom heard me talking loudly, very normally (to Rahul). She rushed in all thrilled to have finally heard my voice again but when she looked in the room she realised there was no one in there with me. This shook her completely, imagining the worst she made Aashi take an appointment with the senior psychiatrist at her hospital.
The doctor was aware of my conditions due to Aashi’s constant consultations and updates. They instantly 106
took me for tests when they saw I was not answering anything.
I was in more of a robotic state. After examining me even to the extent of getting an MRI of my brain, she was told the obvious that I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. The doctor explained that I had put myself in a vacuum thus disconnecting from reality. My brain was working but I had pressed the pause button to life.
The doctor was very gentle and even though he understood the situation he was concerned. Any state which persists and prolongs can very easily deteriorate and become dangerous for a person’s health. He suggested both clinical and psychiatric treatment for me. He put me on very light anxiety pills and appointed a psychologist to visit twice a week at least. He asked Aashi to keep a lighter form of treatment continued at home too. She was asked to make me talk by introducing movies, songs, work anything I liked. Mom was asked to start with easy normal regular activities like walking, listening to music, cooking. He was very clear from the very beginning that it was going to be slow long but effective process.
Due to his acquaintance with Aashi he kept track of my visits to the psychologist, monitoring my progress in the weeks that followed. I would sit in the office or sometimes the doctor would take me for coffee out but in all the sessions she would talk and I would sometimes murmur something. After weeks of patience and Aashi’s methods I started responding with single words and sometimes a few more.