When I woke up it was to see the parents surrounding my bed praying and talking. Looking at them made me realise how much they all had all suffered. While I had buried myself in my own loss and grief in the deep recess of my mind and heart they had to deal with not only losing Rahul but also watch me go under. They were being strangulated with the pressures of agony and dejection.
After staring at them looking all worried and strained I made a noise before calling out.
“Hey Mom, mummy..hey dads... how are you all doing?”
They rushed to my side each staying close and staring at me with soooo much love and care that I felt something shift within.
“Mira, we are all fine in fact feeling wonderful seeing you awake. How are you doing, that is most important sweetheart?”
I looked at them all and smiled once trying to reassure 119
them that I was okay. But despite all my bravado I could not stop the tears that had started to flow earnestly. I have no idea for how long I cried or when both my mothers put their arms around me holding me tight. They let me vent all the pain I had suppressed for so long. In fact they cried with me because the loss was not mine alone they too had lost their son/son in law and they shared their loss with me. Even both the dads could not stay immune to our tears, they too had sad and happy tears running down their face. My dad was relived at having succeeded in his experiment and from deep within thanked Rahul for his love and presence in our lives.
“It’s okay angel everything will be alright now. You will be fine sweetheart I now know that for sure. You have not only our love and support, you have Rahul’s love and strength to take you through.”
Despite the encouraging words I could not stop myself from crying. How long we all continued to mourn for Rahul I have no idea, I only remember being given a sedative again to put me to sleep.
I was kept in the hospital for the night for observation.
The next day I was once again thoroughly examined by the doctors, my psychologist was called over to check on me. Once the doctors were satisfied I was permitted to be discharged. My psychologist asked me to attend a few more sessions with her especially as I was asked to continue with some medication for a few more days and later as sos. But what they didn’t know was that I would not be needing any now because I had a promise to keep, a dream to live and 120
fulfill for both of us.
I stayed with the parents for a few days. I made sure even my in laws stayed with me because this was one period I wanted to survive and accept with them there too. I did not want them to think even for a second that they had lost their daughter with their son. They were now my responsibility and we were to stick it out together. I was blessed to have the perfect family. We were there ONE FOR ALL, ALL FOR ONE.
During my stay even Aashi cut down her work going only for half a day or a couple hours. She stuck to me like glue. We would sit up all night talking about Rahul and how life would be now, what I should or would do now. She was my support, my psychologist, my sponge who held me when I cried, who heard my plans, who understood me. She did not smother me like the moms nor tip toed around my loss like the dads.
She was one of the reasons that I moved back to my home.
Three days later my in-laws returned to Pune promising me frequent visits and calls I decided it was time to move back. Everyone tried to stop me but I was ready to accept my loss and what better way than going back to what was our haven. Mom was worried about this because I was still not 100
percent fine. I was still queasy sometimes or would get dizzy out of the blue, a few times I threw up but I still insisted on moving. Aashi helped by saying she will stay with me for a few weeks to settle me in, which was agreeable by the parents.
It was a beautiful Saturday morning when I shifted back into our home. It needed major cleaning as it smelled of 121
stale flowers and food, everything was the way we had left it that last day. Mom came with me instead of Aashi as she had an important meeting to attend. The second she saw the state of the house and the smell she started crying but I was reliving my most precious and lovely memories again. I went from room to room remembering and reliving our moment.
I wanted to take the incense of our house deep within so it was a while before we started clearing the mess away. Despite having mom there to help it took us nearly the whole day to clean up. I could have called my house help, but this was one thing I wanted to do myself. Twice I felt I was going to faint but I put it down to lack of proper food or sudden movements because we had had only a light snack between cleaning. Anyway, there wasn’t much food at home since it was closed for nearly three months.
While sorting through I would often hear mom sniff, but she didn’t say anything at all so even I kept my dizziness to myself not wanting to stress her. I wanted to howl loudly especially as I cleared away every flower, every candle wax, the food but did not because something in me was keeping me strong and clear. I wanted to start how I intended to go about it now and tears or any other weakness was not permitted.
We finally sat down for a light meal which dad had dropped for us. We sat in the balcony each of us emotionally and physically drained. But the moment I saw food even though I was hungry I started getting queasy and green faced, so mom gave me an antacid and some soda before putting me to bed.
She was staying with me until Aashi came to stay the night. I 122
don’t even know what time Aashi arrived because I was too exhausted and fast asleep before my head even hit the pillow.
But the next morning I was in a very bad shape, I kept throwing up and nearly passed out on my way from the washroom. Seeing my state alarmed Aashi and she immediately called mom who had the family doctor rush over to check me. We all thought maybe I had overdone it yesterday what with the cleaning and the emotional stress of coming home after so many months. But the constant dizziness and nausea was now worrying. By the time the doctor came mom and dad too had arrived.
Seeing my pale face and hollow eyes scared them both so the minute the doctor arrived dad rushed her in.
I was throughly examined from blood pressure to sugar to an internal check too. All the while she kept asking questions to which before I could answer mom or Aashi pitched in.
“Sweetheart when was the last time you ate.”
“Oh, she just had a sandwich yesterday around 3.30 pm.
And doctor I gave her some tea and biscuits in the morning but she could not sustain it and has been throwing up ever since. Oh she also almost passed out just an hour or so ago.
That was when I called mom.”
“Hmm… Mira when was your last period.”
This question bought everything to a halt, there was a deafening silence now. Everyone was looking at me with varied expressions and intensity waiting for my reply
“Huh… I don’t remember doctor…I think more than three 123
months back. Why?”
The doctor examined me again. I waited for her diagnosis, but something told me what it was and then she said those three amazing words that changed life for me yet again
“Mira, you are pregnant sweetheart.”
I did not think I was ever going to be happy again but this was like an adrenaline booster, a miracle. I could feel the blood rush to my head and then rush down with a gush. I was laughing and crying at the same time so I did not see nor register the reactions of everyone else in the room. It was when I heard mom from what seemed like far far away asking the doctor again if she was sure I calmed a little
“Yes, Mrs. Kapur I am sure. All the symptoms, the pulse, even the first internal made me suspicious but now I am sure. Mira is three months pregnant. Congratulations.”
I saw and heard something other than happiness in mom’s voice. I waited for the doctor to leave before I could ask.
But while mom went to see the doctor out Aashi jumped up to me shouting.
“OMG, I am going to be an aunt and shit you are going to become a mom. Wow, this is sooooo exciting. Rahul would have been so happy.”
Realising what she had said she becomes all sad, jittery and 124
shamefaced.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you sad? Because you are right, Rahul would have been on top of the moon. I think he had warned me about this only in his goodbye to me. He knew our dream was going to manifest into reality. Oh God Aashi, I am so happy but sad too because this was our dream. Rahul and mine but now I will be living it alone for the both of us. Shit how will I manage?”
Seeing me start to fret Aashi gave me a hug.
“Sweetie we are in this with you. We all will be by your side through it all and I know you are a strong person and will handle motherhood like a pro.”
“Aashi go call mom and dad in please. I don’t think mom is happy about this.”
While she went to get mom I thought about this new development in my life and all that it would entail. I thought about our last conversation and realised Rahul really had told me indirectly. He had talked about changes, new people, love and all. It brought a strange kind of peace and happiness knowing that Rahul knew of our baby before he went. That in some small vague way had been part of knowing about our unborn child and had shared even that moment with me. Just then the door opened letting mom and dad in, I asked what was troubling them.
“Mom are you not happy about the baby because let me tell you now that I am and I will be bringing this child up the 125
way Rahul and I wanted, the way you and dad bought me and Aashi up.”
“No Mira, sweetheart it is not that I am not happy about your baby and becoming a grandma. It is just that it is a big responsibility and for you to handle it alone now had me worried. But then as your dad and Aashi are saying you are a very smart, strong and brave woman who can conquer any and everything. And we are there to help you always so congratulations my baby.”
Dad and mom both hugged me and all the excitement of a baby and new life added a zeal to the room. Suddenly dad was calling my in-laws to share this wonderful news. The joy, happiness and excitement in the air was intoxicating and wonderful. I could hear the happiness, the crying at the other end of the phone. I could just imagine mummy slobbering over daddy in bliss. The feeling of having Rahul back was an emotion I think we all were experiencing.
While the parents talked making plans for the baby, I walked to my closet to remove Rahul’s picture whom I needed to congratulate and see at that moment of time.
The dream Rahul and I had started talking about was now my reality which I was going to live for both of us.
He knew he was forever going to be a part of me and our family. In that moment of time I also had to accept that everything now would be done by me alone despite the parents and Aashi. I was not going to have Rahul by my side to take me to the doctor for checkups or sonography neither would he hold my hand during the birth nor 126
hold our child (our dream, our love) when it enters the world. But this is life now where it had taught me all about love, then death and loss. It was now again bringing a major change and a new lesson to it with new hopes, new dreams to add to the old ones.