THINGS CLEAR UP
The time of the appointment was approaching. Quarter to six. Fifteen minutes to spare. I started a slow walk towards our meeting place. By now, the whole idea of asking her to marry me seemed absurd. Utterly ridiculous. Why should she accept? What did I have to offer? What in the name of God would tempt her? I shall not ask her. I could not bear to have her laugh at me. I hoped she would have forgotten by now that I had something urgent to tell her. Good thing I booked my ticket. I should have left tomorrow. No need to prolong the pain.
I was tired. More from inner conflict than anything else. I arrived at our meeting place on time. She was there, waiting. A little polar bear with a heavy white woolen coat, white gloves and white scarf. A little polar bear with a heavenly snout and a smile that set my heart throbbing.
'Lizzie, am I late? I'm sorry.'
'No Michael. We're both on time.'
I hugged her and kissed her on her cheeks. My love, evident. All misgivings forgotten. She kissed me too. She had to like me. The way she kissed me. Eagerly. I looked at her with a smile.
'Why are you smiling?'
'Oh nothing. I'm just happy.'
'Yesterday we went to a Greek restaurant. Today I'll take you to an Italian one.'
She took my arm and led the way. I loved the familiarity, the tenderness of the gesture. We walked about ten minutes in the semi-deserted streets. The restaurant had a typically Italian decor with paintings of famous spots like the Coliseum on the walls and wine flasks hanging from black wooden beams. The tablecloths on the tables were of red and white checkered squares. Each table had a candle embedded in an old wine flask. The lighting was subdued and the atmosphere cozy. Lizzie was well known and was welcomed familiarly in Italian. For the first time I heard her speak this language. A slight American accent spiced her Italian, making it even more charming but apart of that she spoke it with a native's fluency. After we removed our coats, two of the waiters guided us to a corner table, which isolated us somewhat from the other clients. Did they think we were a couple? Lisa was stunning. She was not wearing anything special. Just a pair of dark gray trousers and a light gray sweater over a white shirt. Her body was faultless.
'You speak Italian so well!'
'Of course I speak Italian. It's my mother tongue. It's the first language I learnt as a child. Mother speaks to us in Italian.'
'That's good. Resisting the melting pot. But for how long?'
'I think, almost certainly, I'm the end of the line.'
The waiter came for the orders and Lizzie took charge completely, ordering both food and wine. A few minutes later, he came with the wine and we went through the wine tasting ritual. It was a fine Italian red wine, full bodied with a fruity flavor.
'Well?' said Lizzie.
'Oh very nice. A very good wine.'
'No, I wasn't asking about that. What was all the fuss about?'
'What fuss?' I asked, knowing what she meant but reluctant to broach the subject.
'You said you had something important to tell me or to ask or something.'
'Forget it Lizzie. I just wanted to see you. That's all.'
'Please tell me Michael. I know there's something troubling you. I sensed it in your voice.'
'It's all over, Lizzie, believe me. It's all settled.'
'Okay. If you won't tell, I shan't tell.'
'Shan't tell what?'
'Something important.'
'Well okay. I wanted to ask you for a picture or two and I kept forgetting. I was worried I'd leave the States without any of your pictures. Without them, pretty soon I'd forget what the most beautiful girl I ever met looked like.'
'Oh Michael, you're sweet. You're a sweet and touching little liar. But you really are missing what I have to tell you. It's very interesting. Anyway, I don't understand how you can say you love me and at the same time are keeping things from me.'
'I had something I wanted to ask you but on second thoughts, I am embarrassed to do so. It's too ridiculous for words.'
'Listen, I think whatever the problem is, it troubled you and you wanted to share it with me. I want to help and I expect you to tell me what's troubling you without thinking that maybe you are making a fool of yourself.'
'Well okay, then. One day, I was telling Teddy that I would be leaving the country soon and he came out with this crazy idea. He said there was a way I could stay if I wanted to. By marrying an American woman. The idea stuck in my mind and I sort of mused over it and fantasized that perhaps, please don't laugh, perhaps you would be willing to marry me. Of course, I realized soon enough the absurdity and today I wrote to my parents that I was returning and went and booked my ticket.'
'A marriage proposal! Wow. That caught me unawares.'
'You see, I didn't want to tell you.'
'But there's nothing wrong in that. People marry for love but sometimes they consider a whole lot of other things as well. I am a means that will permit you to remain in the States. On the other hand you must love me very much to want to marry me knowing I am sleeping with Ted.'
'You are wrong, Lizzie.'
'Why?'
'I don't give a damn if I stay or not in America. My father is not very rich but he's well off and has a business that will eventually be mine. I wanted to stay in America to be with you. Without you, America means nothing to me.'
'Oh dear, I am moved. And sad. Because the answer is obvious and you guessed right. It cannot be. I shall always remember this proposal, though. It's not the first and probably not the last I've had but it's certainly the most thoughtless and the sweetest.'
The food was delicious and for a short while, we concentrated on it. Well, as much as we could. We had gone through a mini catharsis. We had cleared the atmosphere from misconceptions and illusions. With the dessert I asked her about the mysterious story she had for me.
She laughed.
'It's about Joan,' she said.
I stared at her dumbfounded.
'A veritable Miss Sherlock Holmes,' she said pointing with her thumb at herself. 'Once, some weeks ago, even before I met you, I was out with Ted and in a moment of absent mindedness he called me Joan. Just once in the whole time we went out together but it stuck in my mind. I tried to figure whether he could fit in another girl and it did not seem likely. He often claimed he had to do things with his family. Go visiting relatives or having guests at home and I believed him because he was very passionate with me and told me he loved me.'
'God! It's sickening. Not the two-timing so much, though that's bad enough, but the hypocritical declarations of love. That's very cheap.'
'You condone two-timing?'
'No, but it's done. More by men than women. Or so it seems.'
'Anyway, yesterday morning one of the other girls at work told me that the night before she had seen Ted in his car with a woman and a young man. Of course, she knows him and knows his car because he comes often to the coffee bar. She also knew I was going out with him. I got the shock of my life. I had practically convinced myself that I misheard the name Joan. That in fact he never uttered it. But Lydia's chance encounter brought me to my senses. There was no doubt that a Joan existed and that you knew her since you were obviously the young man in the car. I was disgusted at Ted but I was also furious at you for being so deceitful.'
'Lizzie…'
'Yes, yes. Okay. Later when I sort of calmed down I reasoned things out. I thought to myself that Michael who shows me such affection could not possibly be happy with this state of affairs. It's just that he's trapped between two friends who are in conflict. That the conflict was a potential one and not actual, did not alter the basics. Yesterday at the Greek place, I was determined to finish with him. There's a saying: Show me your friends and I'll tell you what you are. By any standard, if you get to know some of Ted's friends, you cannot but judge them as the lowest of the low. One of them, in particular, takes the prize. I don't know if you met him. His name is Johnnie Conte.'
'Boy, do I know him! He seems at first glance such a nice fellow. He owns a bar. When Ted first introduced us, he was talking and joking with Teddy and for a moment I thought what he was saying was part of the joke. Soon enough I realized that this person had a network of call girls and he supplied them with clients for a fee. He was not the classic pimp. He was a sort of broker. Getting a cut on each customer supplied.'
'Exactly. About a week ago, Teddy told me Johnnie had seen me at work. He liked my looks and was interested to have me work in his bar. He assured me I would be making double the money I now earned. It was an opportunity worth looking into and so I went and met Johnnie. He started as you said, well enough. Little tasteless jokes at first and then we got into the business arrangements. The pay was, in fact, about double what I earned at the coffee bar and the hours of work comparable, though of course I had to start and finish work at a much later hour. Then he spelled out the extras, the genuine opportunities. He said I could make much more money if I slept with customers he would supply. I could either rent a small apartment in the vicinity or else use one of the rooms he owns above the bar. For a fee or course. He also specified his cut in this other business which he assured me would be many times more the pay for my work at the bar.'
'I am speechless! What did you say?'
'I pretended I was thinking it over and then I asked him if he had children. He smiled. 'Three,' he said. 'The boy is the youngest. Two girls, twelve and fourteen.' He looked at me with the fond father's smile on his lips expecting me to say something nice. 'So you're all set,' I told him. 'Child prostitution is quite the thing these days.' He looked at me startled. 'It's much more profitable than what you are proposing for me, you know,' I said in a confidential voice looking at him in the eye. Abruptly he jumped up and yelled at me, 'Go to hell you bitch.' 'You go to hell, too, you slimy pimp,' I shouted back at him and left the bar on the double because he was so furious he seemed capable of bashing me.'
'My God, you're a tough one, Lizzie!'
'Yes, I handed it to him as brutally as he gave it to me. When I think of it, it still burns me up.'
'Did you tell Teddy?'
'Yes at the restaurant. That was what all the whispering was about. Of course, Ted denied knowing anything about the proposal. I asked him if he knew that this Johnnie was an intermediary for whores. He said he knew about that but never imagined that Johnnie would go that far especially since he knew I was his girl. 'Look, don't get pissed off,' he told me. 'I'll go and get things straightened out because it's a pity to lose such an opportunity.' I said thanks, but no thanks.'
'It's good you kept your cool.'
'You bet. I still had the Joan business hammering at the back of my brain.' The waiter came just then to ask if we wanted some coffee.
'I'd rather have some more wine, said Lizzie.'
'Good idea, but please do go on.'
'Another bottle of wine Alberto, prego. Where were we? Oh, yes. When we left you at college, Ted started driving towards the usual places where we used to take refuge for our lovemaking. Before we left town I told him to stop near the sidewalk and switch off the engine for a moment. He asked what for and I told him I had something to ask him. He seemed uneasy but he stopped the car. I looked at him and said, 'Teddy, you have to decide, it's either Joan or me. Not both at the same time.' His jaw fell and I knew I had scored bull's eye. He tried feebly to sidetrack me. 'Joan who?' he said.
'Come on Teddy, let's not play games. I know everything.' He was silent for a moment.
'Who told you?' he finally asked. 'Michael did,' I lied. That was clever, don't you think?'
'Oh God. He must hate my guts now. What did he say to that?'
'He said, 'Why that little squealer. I didn't think he'd do it. But I should have guessed. He's in love with you. Ha ha.''
'I had to find out about Joan,' Lizzie continued, 'so I told him again, 'Teddy you haven't answered my question. Is it Joan or me?' He was subdued and in an apologetic voice told me that he was going steady with Joan for about five years and they were planning to get married. 'Ted, I don't know about you but Joan isn't getting a very good deal' I said. I opened the door and stepped out of the car.'
'He'll never believe me if I tell him I never squealed,' I said. Lizzie laughed.
'Serves you right, you little double-crosser.'
The wine arrived. Tasted and served
'Anyway, as I see it Lizzie, it was certainly a shock but in the last analysis there should be few regrets now that you found out what kind of a man Teddy is. But I imagine the breaking up of a love affair is rarely painless.'
'Oh, I'm sure I'll feel some loneliness at the beginning but time is the great healer. Don't think I had no feelings for that oversize little boy Ted. A woman can rarely be indifferent to a man who satisfies her sexually. At times, I felt I was in love. At others, when I saw his shortcomings I felt trapped in a strange predicament: to yearn for the lovemaking of a man whose defects were obvious and contemptible. So, though there are no regrets I wouldn't exactly say there is no pain and that there will not be some nostalgia for the fun we had together.'
Her eyes were shining and she punctuated most of her confidences with that lovely smile which took on no end of meanings. Compassion, assertion, inquiry, satisfaction. One had only to look at it to get the message. It was a captivating complement to her words.
'So, Lizzie, what now?'
'Oh, I'll survive. Sooner or later someone else will enter my life.'
'Good thing I won't be here. With Ted around, I could be your friend. Without him I cannot bear to be just that.'
'You college boys, always complicating things,' she said with a smile. 'I am your friend, Michael. Nothing can change that. You are like a younger brother. I love you but I am not in love. I can't help that and I don't know why it is so. Please don't let's get into this again.'
She emptied the bottle in the two glasses and with a 'cheers', we drained our glasses to the dregs. Then she called, Alberto. Made the motion of writing in the air and Alberto, nodded, smiled and went to fetch the bill. We were silent for a moment and she kept looking at me with a smile.
'You're very happy,' I told her. 'What's the smile for?'
'Of course I'm happy. I'm with a person I love but not in love with. Who's in love with me but does not love me.'
'I think too much wine has muddled your thoughts. How in God's name can I be in love with you and not love you?'
'Sure you can. I told you before. Love is selfless. Being in love makes one possessive and selfish. Because I cannot just now have you as a lover, you want to leave me. You're just in love with me. You do not love me.'
Alberto came with the bill and a smile. He handed it to me. I passed it on to Lizzie. He told her something in Italian.
'I'm paying. He's my guest. He's my cousin from Egitto.'
Alberto laughed. 'In Italy all the boyfriends are passed off as cousins. I cannot believe any more when they say the boy is a cousin.'
'Okay, he's a close friend from Egypt. He's like a brother to me.'
'This I can maybe believe. A cousin, I cannot believe'
Lizzie winked at me and smiled.
'Italians are not so stupid, eh Michael?' She opened her purse and put some money on the platter with the bill. We got up and went to the stand to put on our overcoats. We stepped out into the cold weather and the cold reality. I suddenly felt despondent. It was only her presence and her beauty and good spirits that kept me going. She was both the cause of my gloom and of my effort to be pleasant and civil. We hailed a cab. It was much warmer inside and Lisa took off her gloves and caressed my cheeks.
'I hate to see you sad,' she said.
She felt sorry for me. Funny how women can shed tears when they make another person miserable and yet refuse to do the one thing that will alleviate his pain. Just before we stopped at her house, I told her that I'd keep the cab to go to college with it because I was getting sleepy. When the car stopped, I kissed her on the cheeks and told her I'd call her tomorrow.
'Please come down Michael. Please.'
I did as she asked. Paid off the cab and stood looking at her. She was smiling again.
'Were you going to leave me without kissing me good night?' Why in God's name was she toying with me?
We enlaced and looked at each other's eyes. I felt her body on mine. I was sick with love. I closed my eyes and kissed her softly. I inhaled her smell. Felt her satin skin, her lips opening slowly, inviting a lover. Or was it just a friend? Her tongue sharing in the sensual exchange; now hard, now soft, exploring, entering a friendly mouth, then retreating to let an ally enter and intertwine, play and excite, provoke and rouse parts of the body away from its vicinity. The kiss is the acceptance of the other person. It is more intimate and subtle than the sexual union. It is the union of two souls. It is more arousing than the most intimate caress. I kissed her again. Closing my eyes; moving in space and time outside reality. If I had to envisage perfect contentment, it would be kissing the loved one. If I had to envisage paradise, I would describe it as the perfect, reciprocal and eternal kiss. We kissed for hours. No, that cannot be. Perhaps minutes. Many, many minutes. I caressed her face, her hair, her neck, her breasts, her behind. I was aroused and was embarrassed that it showed. She eventually pulled away, looked at me with a smile and caressed my cheek tenderly. It was bitterly cold. We were almost frozen solid by the time she said good night and climbed slowly up the stairs.
'I shall call you up tomorrow.' I told her and started walking towards college looking out for a taxi. Nothing in sight. Well, perhaps, it is just as well to walk, to work off the tension. I started walking briskly but I could not think and I slackened my pace a little. I had never been so dejected in my life. I had failed on all fronts. All my academic dreams and projects down the drain. My friendship with Teddy, for all it was worth, finished; my love for Lizzie at an impasse. I could not tell if she loved me. I doubted it very much. I wished I could shut my eyes then open them, and find myself somewhere else. In any case, that was it. It need not be at the blink of an eyelid but the fact was I had to get out. As fast as possible. Going back to college, even just to sleep had become an ordeal. I would swing into action tomorrow. No sense in prolonging the torture. I started walking briskly again. I had taken my decision. From now on, the less thinking I did, the better.
I reached the dormitory shaking and in pain from the cold. It was past midnight. I said hello to my roommates. Asked how the exams were going and as quickly as I could jumped into bed and covered my head with the bed-covers. I felt completely isolated and tried to sleep.