Sara and Jared spent the next three or four days much the same. He’d served as her tour guide, but things were different now. She’d given up. She’d stopped pushing him. She only kissed him back, and she didn’t offer her opinion unless he asked for it.
She listened as he told her the names of all the mountains and their importance to his Clan. The ‘Navajo’ gave a name to everything because they believed everything, including the rocks, had a spirit. But Sara knew Navajo wasn’t Jared’s real Clan name, was it? At least, not according to his grandfather’s book.
------------
Sara had taken hundreds of pictures with her phone, usually without Jared knowing. No matter what happened between them, she didn’t want to forget any of this. She’d used her timer application and took pictures of her and Jared, but precious few. She reasoned if this was the end of their relationship, she didn’t need his picture as a reminder of what they’d had. She took pictures of his family too but again precious few for the same reason. She especially didn’t want to forget them. She loved them, all of them. She even took some pictures of the horses, especially Jade and Angelstar. This was her way of letting go, but she’d cried every time she thought about it.
She’d cried a lot, but Jared didn’t know. When she was with him, she kept her feelings hid. This troubled Nadine. Sara shouldn’t be able to hide her feelings from him. Because of her seer abilities, Nadine had kept quiet, but she knew something about them wasn’t quite right. She also knew this was only the beginning of her son’s pain.
------------
Jared couldn’t trust himself to sleep in the same room as Sara. She’d spent her nights alone, organizing her pictures, and updating her journal. She wanted a record of what had happened here but breaking away was killing her. Every night, when he’d kissed her goodnight and went to his bedroom, Sara had cried herself to sleep. Every morning, she’d pulled herself together, put on a perfect plastic smile, and pretended nothing was wrong. Until he’d changed his mind or decided he wanted a normal life with her, this was how it would be.
She gazed out her bedroom window. But for the moon and stars, the night was black; not a streetlight in sight, only the dark, bleak desert. Giant cacti stood as guardians over the barren land, casting eerie shadows across the ground. The only sounds heard were cries of wolves and coyotes and the occasional howl of wind as it whipped around the side of the house. Sara wiped her eyes, closed the drapes partway and crawled into her cold bed.
------------
The bright Arizona sun woke her. She lifted her head off the pillow. It felt as if a stampeding herd of buffalo were running from one side to the other, bouncing around inside her skull. “Why do I feel so miserable and empty?” she frowned. The creases in her brow deepened. “Oh, yeah. The fight last night,” she groaned.
What a living nightmare! Nothing had gone right. Drowning her troubles hadn’t solved anything; her hangover proved that. Last night had been their biggest fight yet.
Sara thought back. God she’d said some nasty things to Jared, but he’d said some to her, as well. What was I thinking? She shuddered and squeezed her tear-filled eyes as the argument resounded through her throbbing head.
~ ~ ~
‘You’ve got it all wrong Sara!’
‘Do I? I don’t think so, Jared! I’ve had about all of your on-off-on love, if it can be called love, that I can handle. I’m tired of you setting me on fire, and then walking away. You promised it wouldn’t be this way. I don’t need this shit, Jared! You’ve obviously made love with Eve, but you won’t with me. Should I start wearing miniskirts and showing my ass? Would that create enough lust in you to make you do something? To take me seriously?’
‘No – I don’t want you to be like – I am taking you seriously. I love you, Sara. I’ve promised to marry you, to spend my life with you.’
‘Like you did her, your whore? I’ve had enough, Jared. Take your secrets, and your stupid legends about perfect matches and shove them up your Navajo ass! I don’t love you anymore. What you call love is childish frustration. I’m asking Myra to take me to the airport tomorrow. I’m going home!’
‘Are you going back to Lucy’s?’
‘No, Jared. I’m going home – home to Crooked Creek with my tail between my legs because I’m not your perfect match, and I’m obviously not good enough for you!’
‘You know what Sara – fine – I think you’re right. I think you should go home. I think this whole thing was my stupid mistake. I’m sorry I crossed the road, Sara! I’m sorry I bothered to love you. You clearly don’t want my love, and, in the long run, it’s probably better for you. But, you don’t need to ask Myra. Pack your things tonight. I’ll take you to the airport after breakfast. Call your mother. Tell her to pick you up at Shreveport.’
~ ~ ~
Sara raked her fingers through her hair. “Oh, God. Why on earth did I say that? How could I get mad enough to call off our engagement? Did I honestly tell him, I didn’t love him anymore? That I was going home, not to Shreveport, but to Crooked Creek? Why in the hell would I do that? I’d rather run the gauntlet than go home to Mother! Get drunk again stupid! It won’t matter. You’ve destroyed your future.” Tears streamed down her cheeks again.
She wanted to pull away; boy did she do it last night. She not only pulled away, but she’d pushed him away so hard he’d stormed out of her room. No, wait, she’d thrown him out.
Her body shook with silent tears. She stood in front of the mirror, trying to brush her teeth, trying to stop crying, trying to convince herself, this was what she wanted - what Jared wanted. She felt awful, not because of her pounding head and churning stomach, but for what she’d said and done to him. She’d been utterly vitriolic, and he’d been seething with anger. It was over between them now. He wouldn’t forgive her. Why should he?
She stared at her reflection. “Well, you got what you wanted, didn’t you?” Didn’t she? This was what she wanted, wasn’t it? She’d tried pulling away slowly, but it hurt way too much. Sara guessed something snapped last night, in her and Jared. Maybe it was better this way. It hurt like hell, but it was over and done with. No more hiding her tears, no more pretending. If she could only hold out until he took her to the airport. Until she was on the plane; when she got back to Shreveport, she could stay with Lucy while she decided what she wanted to do.
She narrowed her eyes and glared at herself. “You stupid idiot! This is not what you want! You want him! You want Jared!”
Then do something about it before it’s too late!
“What?” Sara whirled and scanned the room. “Who said that?”
Don’t be so naïve, Sara! Who do you think you’re fooling? Get off your sanctimonious ass and apologize to the man or regret it the rest of your life!
She scanned the room again and scratched her head. She sighed. It was the same voice she’d heard when she left Shreveport, running from Jared. It was her conscious, boosting her courage. “You’re right! You’re absolutely right!”
She got dressed and did her hair. She took a deep breath and went to Jared’s bedroom. The door was closed. She knocked - no answer. “Jared, are you in there?” No answer. Slowly she reached for the door handle. “I need to talk to you.” She pushed it back. His bed hadn’t been slept in. It didn’t look as if he’d been in his bedroom.
Sara listened for the shower – nothing. Her newfound courage dissolved. “It’s already too late.” She cried and sank to the foot of his bed, hugging his pillow. Silently, she willed him to be downstairs, but her gut said he wouldn’t be. Oh, God! Is he truly gone? What if he’s had enough? Did he change his mind and go back to Shreveport without her? Something grabbed her, squeezed her chest. She began to cry again. She couldn’t do this. Regardless of what Jared wanted, this wasn’t what she wanted. “Eve had realized leaving Jared had been a mistake.”
But now you’re making the same mistake….
“No!” She wiped her eyes, composed herself and went downstairs.
~ ~ ~
Tom was watching a news program. He glanced at her as she passed through to the kitchen. Myra was sitting at the table, working on an essay.
“Where’s Jared?”
She arched her eyebrows and shrugged.
“Your Mother?”
She pointed toward the patio with her pencil, engrossed in her studies.
Sara stepped out of the air-conditioned house and felt the full force of the Arizona sun. It was hot! Boy was it hot and dry. It was so dry you could be near heatstroke and never know it. She walked to the back of the yard where Nadine was stooped over, busily tending her prized rose bushes. She stood. “Hi, sweetie, are you feeling better?”
Sara swallowed hard and sighed. “Not a lot. Where’s Jared? It didn’t look as if he’d slept in his bed.”
“He didn’t, honey. He slept on the couch in the living room. He was on it when I came down.”
“Was he still upset?”
“I’m not sure, Sara. He bottles things up. It’s hard to read him. He’s my son, but it doesn’t mean I always understand everything he says or does.”
“It wasn’t hard to tell last night,” Sara snorted. “He was furious with me. He’ll never forgive me.”
“I doubt that,” Nadine chuckled. “But I do believe he was still upset.”
“Where did he go?”
“Riding, I think.” She continued tending her roses.
“How long has he been gone?”
“All morning. He didn’t eat breakfast. He took some food and water with him. He’ll probably be gone for a while. When I asked him, he said, he’d come back when he felt like it. If he felt like it.”
Sara sighed again. “Nada, it seems the closer we get, the more we argue with each other. I’m not sure I’m what he needs.” She pinched off a spent blossom.
Nadine casually turned back to her pruning. “What makes you say that?”
Sara forced her breath out, despondently. “I love Jared, and even though he says he loves me, I’m not sure if he feels as strongly as I do. I think I might be trying to make him love me, and he just doesn’t.”
“Ouch!” she laughed. “I love these roses. I prune them. I feed them. I water them and they bloom for me. Still, their sharp teeth snag me now and then.” She showed her the droplet of blood on her thumb. “Just because they bite once, doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate what I do for them.”
“Why not pull off the thorns?”
Nadine turned and frowned. “The thorns protect the tender stems from nasty bugs that would suck the life from them. The roses don’t want to hurt me, they’re only protecting themselves, and I know this. I’ve seen people rip these beautiful things to shreds because they pricked their finger. It’s the same with love, Sara. Anything, that’s worth anything, comes with trial and pain. The more the worth, the bigger the trial, the stronger the pain. I think you’re exactly what Jared needs. He knows it too, but he’s afraid of losing you.”
“Why, Nada? If you know why, please tell me?”
She softly laughed again and moved to her next rosebush. “I can only offer you advice, Sara. I can’t give you the solution. If you want answers to those questions, you’ll have to ask him.”
Sara was getting exasperated. She blinked to clear her vision. “But he won’t tell me, Nada. I’ve tried! After last night, he’ll probably never speak to me again! Nobody will tell me, and it’s driving me insane!”
“Jared will tell you, Sara. He’s like the wolf-spirit inside him. You have to corner him. He’s afraid, and as long as he can run, he will. Get him in a situation where he can’t run anymore and he’ll tell you, trust me.”
“How do I do this?”
“He’s out there now. Go to him. Talk to him. Ask him. He’ll either tell you or leave you out there by yourself. I don’t think he would ever do anything to put you in harm’s way.”
“But, Nada I don’t even know which way he went!” she lied. She had an idea, and she didn’t like it. Oh, God, please, don’t let him be where I think he is. I’m as good as dead!
Nadine smiled. “Yes, you do. Listen to your inner self. It’s where you’re both still connected. You always have been. Jared will never be able to run from that. Listen to your heart, and I’ll bet it’ll lead you straight to him.”
“You really think I should go out there, and try to talk to him?”
“Yes, but do it right. Take plenty of water with you. Wear a hat to keep the sun off your head. Take a map and compass, and your phone, in case you need help. Jared knows this place like the back of his hand. You might need a little help. Come on,” she said and led her to the kitchen.
~ ~ ~
She opened a drawer and pulled out a battered looking leather bag, the kind of leather used for making moccasins. Fringe hung from the bottom of it. Burned into its surface, was a wolf baying at the moon, a white wolf.
Sara rubbed her fingers over the image. “Whose was this?”
“It was Jared’s,” she smiled. “His grandmother made it for him when his grandfather helped him find his Spirit Guide.” She glanced at the wolf on the bag and back at Sara.
From the cabinet, Nadine took some cereal bars and put them in a backpack. She stuffed some pieces of beef jerky and a packet of trail mix in there, as well. She filled a large canteen with cold water from the refrigerator and handed it to Sara. “Now you’re prepared.” She grinned and pulled out a chair. “Sit here while I talk to Myra. She’ll take you out to the barn.”
Sara fidgeted for a few minutes. If she were going to do this, she wanted to get started. She got up and went to the living room, stopping when she heard Myra and Nadine in a heated discussion on the stairs.
~ ~ ~
“I know, but it’s not Sara’s fault, and it’s not for us to decide! The future’s a spider’s web, Myra. With every broken thread, the whole design of the web changes and we can’t control that!”
“I know we can’t control the future, and I know it’s not her fault. It’s my stupid, pigheaded brother’s fault. Why won’t he tell her what he knows and let her decide?”
“It’s not for us to say. Today the sky might be clear. Tomorrow, it might be covered with clouds. Based on the day-to-day choices we make, the future changes, Myra.”
“If you ask me, Jared screwed up. He’s changed the future. Nothing will turn out the way it was supposed to. He needs to fix it, Mother!”
“Myra, settle! Your brother and Sara are capable of deciding their own futures without our interference. Whatever future they have is based on decisions they make. We can’t steer them in the right direction for our own personal gain, and you know that. Now leave it. I don’t wanna see them break up, any more than you do, but we have to let them work through this. Your brother’s not stupid. He loves Sara, more than I’ve ever seen him love anyone – including me. In the end, I’m sure he’ll do the right thing. We have to be patient and let this thing play itself out.”
“But that’s just it! It already has. Because my brother’s a coward, the future has been altered. He won’t own up to his mistakes! He runs from them!”
“Yes, he runs, but your brother is not a coward. He knows what could happen, and he can’t come to grips with losing her, even, under those circumstances. We have to trust his judgment. If it’s meant to be, it will be, no matter what path is taken, the future’s waiting at the end. It might not be the one we wanted, but it’s something we can’t control. One wrong word, one wrong move is all it takes. Now, take her out to the barn. Don’t ask questions, and don’t offer her any advice unless she asks for it. If she decides to go after him, let her. Saddle up Jade for her. Don’t say something you know you’ll regret – understood.”
“Yes, Mother!” Myra said and stormed down the stairs.
Sara loudly cleared her throat and coughed so they would think she’d just walked out of the kitchen.
“Come on, Sara, I’ll take you to the barn.” Myra walked out the door.
Sara hugged Nadine. “Thank you.”
She smiled and watched them leave. A tear slid down her cheek. She sighed deeply. “I know what must be, but it seems so unfair to Sara!”