Nine Months and Two Weeks Later
The decision had been made.
Jared stood alone at the window, gazing out at the night. There was no breeze. The sky was as black as the dark emptiness which filled his heart. There was no moon. There were no stars. Only quiet and stillness. Even the heavens seemed to dread the sadness that would come with the dawn.
He thought perhaps if the sun never rose, time would stand still, and he could remain in this moment, frozen for all eternity. Could he do it? Could he take the breath of life from her? It was the last thread. His only connection left to her in this world. Sara would never die. She lived in his soul. She would forever walk through the pages of his memory; time or death couldn’t dim that.
He kissed her hand and held the back of it against his cheek. Tears filled his eyes. The same sweet face was still there, but his precious wife was gone. His soul mate for all eternity had stepped into the great beyond. All that remained was her body. A shell, which once housed a spirit so strong and free, it put the angels to shame.
Jared looked around at all the familiar equipment. Machines he’d seen and used many times, yet now they seemed foreign. Invisible demons, sitting in wait to steal his dream. The respirator rose and fell in synchronized rhythm. The ECG, what a liar it was, showed a strong, steady heartbeat. Soon it would still and beat no more.
There was nothing he could do for her. Whether he kept her on life support, once Sara’s renal system failed, her body would burn out, and break down. That wouldn’t be fair to her. She deserved peace. He had to do this. He had to let go. He had to let her go. He knew this, and still as he looked at her. How could he?
He reminded himself, the beautiful, sweet spirit which made her whom she was had departed two weeks ago. If he made it through this, knowing that fact was the only way he would do it. He’d witnessed this scene hundreds of times but never from this point of view.
Jared looked at the bag hanging from the IV pump. He traced the liquid down the clear tube until it reached the needle and entered her arm, above where her wristwatch had once rested. He dared to let his eyes fall upon the switch that would end it all. All the pain and misery would stop. He could begin to heal. But could he heal? Did he want to heal? No, he didn’t. He didn’t want to stop hurting, but he had to. His baby depended on him. No matter how much it hurt or how much he would miss her, he had to survive for Sarabeth.
Minutes before she was born, Sara had made him promise if anything happened to her, he would take care of their daughter. She also made him promise not to blame himself. But she knew he wouldn’t listen. He’d blamed himself for anything unpleasant that had ever happened to her.
He’d known this moment was coming, but he hadn’t known when or how it would happen. Because of the things he’d seen, he’d believed she would die in childbirth. But that hadn’t been the case. Whether with him or someone who could never love her as much as he did, Sara’s death was set in stone. The blood vessel, which ruptured in her brain, had been there, like a ticking time bomb. It couldn’t be shut off, and it couldn’t be stopped. It had absolutely nothing to do with him, but it hadn’t stopped him from doing what he’d promised her, he wouldn’t do.
“Sara, I don’t know if I can do this. You’ve been with me for so long. I don’t know if I can let you go. I don’t know how to let you go. I’ve watched you grow up. I’ve grown up with you. I can’t imagine a single day of my life without you in it, especially now that we have our little girl. I named her after you, angel. Her name is Sarabeth. We’re gonna call her Beth. She’s two weeks old, now, and she is so beautiful. She has your eyes.”
Jared hesitated. “Mother and Myra swear she’s got my grin, but I’m not sure I agree. I wished you could see her. It breaks my heart that she’ll never know her mother. I’ll tell her about you, and she’ll have your pictures to look at, and songs to listen to, but she’ll never feel the warmth of your arms. I’ll love her enough for both of us, Sara. She’ll know how much you loved her, and what you went through for her. One day, I’ll prove who you are. I’ll prove you have as much right to be a member of the Dine'é Kay-Yah as me or Mother or Dad or anyone on The Council. One day they will bow their heads in shame that they denied you. On my last breath, I promise you this.”
Nadine laid a hand on his shoulder. “We should go, Jared,” she said remorsefully. “Beth’s cranky. I need to feed her and get her to sleep. Why don’t you come with us and sleep too? Tomorrow will be hard enough on you, even worse if you’ve not slept.”
“I can’t leave her, Mother.”
“Jared, Shiyaazh, you’re not. Sara’s not there.” She rested a hand over his heart. “She’s here, and here,” she touched her chest. “Sara will never die! Come home with us. We’ll help each other through this. Be with us and your daughter. Beth needs you. She doesn’t need me or your father or your sister. She needs her father.”
He stared into her eyes for a long while. Finally, he sighed and nodded. He kissed the side of Sara’s lips. “I’m going home now, angel. See if I can get some rest. I’ll be back in the morning, and I promise I’ll be by your side ’til the end. Ayóó'ánííníshní yishdlį´į´h,” he whispered. “Always Sara.”
~ ~ ~
Nadine strapped Sarabeth in her carrier and buckled in the passenger seat. Jared laid over the steering wheel of his father’s Mercedes and broke down again. “Oh, God, Mother! It’s not meant to be this way. Why does it hurt so much?”
Her eyes glossed. “Because the part of your soul that you shared with Sara is coming back to you. Your connection to her is breaking, and it feels like part of you is being ripped out. It’ll get better, son. Once you’ve pulled the plug, and she’s at rest, the pain will get better.”
“Will it? Will it get better? What if I don’t want it to? What if I can’t do this? No matter what I know, in my heart, it’ll still be me who kills her. If I pull that plug, whatever chance there might’ve been, whatever remote possibility she might’ve had at surviving will be gone. The blood will be on my hands.”
She caressed his glossy black hair. “No, it won’t, Shiyaazh!” she scolded. “I don’t believe that. Your father doesn’t believe that. Myra doesn’t believe that, and neither should you. One of the most important parts of loving someone is knowing when to let go, knowing when you have to let go. The time has come. It’s no one’s fault. This is what must be. Stop blaming yourself. See Sara in Beth and love her that way now. Know every time you hold Beth that she’s part of both of you – you and Sara.”
Jared wiped his eyes, sighed deeply and sat back in the seat. He started the car and put it in reverse. Words of comfort lasted but for a fleeting moment. When he pulled onto the highway, and the hospital faded in the distance, the pain was back. Memories crashed into him like a tsunami. It was all he could do to hold it together until he parked in the garage. “Take Beth and go inside,” he choked. “I’ll be in shortly.”
Nadine rested a hand on his shoulder. “Will you be OK?”
“I’m fine, Mother. I just need time to be alone.”
~ ~ ~
She opened the door as quietly as she could. She figured Tom and Myra were already in bed. She didn’t want to disturb them. In the last two weeks, none of them had slept much. Jared hadn’t wanted Sara left alone. It was a miracle she’d convinced him to come home with her now. Maybe it was because he knew he had to let go.
As she passed through to the living room, she could see a light on in the kitchen. She took Sarabeth out of her carrier, rearranged her blanket and cradled her in her arms. She smiled and caressed her tiny cheek. Sarabeth wriggled, yawned and went back to sleep.
Nadine went to the dining room, about to reach in and shut off the light. “Come in and sit down,” Tom said. “We need to talk. Where’s Jared? Did you convince him to come with you?”
“He’s in the garage. He needed some time alone. How long’s this gonna take? I need to put your granddaughter in her crib.”
“Not long. I think there’s something we should discuss. It’s about Sara.”
“Here,” she said and passed Sarabeth to him. “I’m gonna make some goan. I think we all could use some, especially Jared.”
He held Sarabeth in his arms and watched her sleep. “Nizhoni little angel,” he whispered and rested an index finger near her hand. As a reflex, she wrapped her fingers around it and held it tight. He smiled.
Jared lounged against the doorway and watched his father. It was obvious, he worshiped his granddaughter. He imagined his father would spoil her to no end, but he was going to spoil her himself. Once he got past the pain of losing his wife. “What are you still doing up? Where’s Mother?”
“Right here.” Nadine entered the room carrying three steaming cups. “Your father needs to talk to you.” She passed out the drinks and stepped next to Tom. “I’ll take her now.”
“Jared, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, about the situation with Sara and The Council. I believe they’re wrong. I believe she should be given final funeral rites, but since they didn’t overturn Seth, there’s not a lot we can do about it.”
He frowned. “There’s something I can do about it,” he frowned. “I could kill the bastard! Once he’s outta the way, you could take your rightful place. No one would challenge you.”
“Yes, you could kill Uncle Seth, and I’d be head of The Council, but you’d be in jail for the rest of your life. No, Jared. You need to stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about your daughter. It wouldn’t bring Sara back. Nothing will bring her back. Have you spoken to your Spirit Guide and asked for her help?”
Jared tightened his jaw. “No, Dad! I don’t see the sense in running off to Mother’s Mountain and spilling my guts to an invisible being who doesn’t care anyway.”
“Shiyaazh,” Nadine gasped. “You know that’s not true.”
“No? Why didn’t she warn me about Sara’s aneurysm? Why didn’t she tell me, so I could stop it?” he countered, fighting to keep his voice down, so he wouldn’t disturb his daughter.
“Sometimes, our Spirit Guide speaks to us and says things we don’t wanna hear,” Tom said, softly. “They reveal truths we don’t wanna accept, and so we block them out. We pretend we didn’t hear them. When the thing they warned us about happens, we blame it on them and say they didn’t warn us. I did it too. The night I called you and told you about Granddad.”
Tom swallowed hard. “Jared, he was alone when he collapsed. He and I had argued. I was so mad, I called him a stupid old man and left. When Myra stopped off to give him his mail, she found him. We rushed him to the hospital, but it was too late, and I blamed myself. Because I couldn’t stand the pain alone, I did the same thing you’re doing with Sara. I blamed my Spirit Guide.”
Jared’s eyes glossed. “Dad, I… I didn’t know about Granddad. I didn’t know he was alone.”
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter now,” he sighed. “What matters now is stopping you from making the same mistakes.”
------------
The nurse glanced at the monitor screen. Her coffee cup hit the floor. She pressed the alarm. “Code Blue CCU 3!” she said and headed down the corridor.
David Whitefeather had heard the call and responded immediately. “What the hell happened?”
“I don’t know, Doctor Whitefeather. I checked her ECG, a couple of minutes ago. It was fine. The next thing I knew, she was coding.”
“Charge to 250 - clear!” he snapped. No response. “Charge to 300. Give her 2mg atropine IV push. Get someone on the phone and call Jared now!”
“Charged!” the nurse said.
“Clear!” David said again and looked up. He frowned and shook her head.
“Charge to 400! Come on, Sara. Don’t leave him like this! I know you’re tired, honey, but you need to hang on for Jared.”
“Charged!”
“Clear!” David called out and watched for the nurse’s response.
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Jared jumped in the car, spun out of the circle drive and sped down the dirt road. He saw the semi coming, but instead of slowing, he pushed down on the accelerator.
The truck driver’s heart jumped to his throat. He pushed on the brakes and laid down on his air horn. Tires squalled; a cloud of white smoke rose from the asphalt. The smell of burnt rubber filled the morning air. The trucker saw his end.
Jared didn’t even look back. He didn’t care. His only thought was getting to his wife. He had to at least say goodbye.
The trucker managed to stop, inches from the back bumper of the black Mercedes. He cursed and flipped up his middle finger at the crazy man in front of him who had a death wish. He was hauling a full load of hazardous chemicals. Both he and the other driver wouldn’t have known what hit them.
------------
Jared whipped into one of the ambulance bays, shoved the car into park and burst through the emergency room doors.
The alarm sounded; workers scrambled.
He didn’t even look up. Knowing the elevator would be too slow, and the stairs were likely to be empty, he took them. Using his enhanced speed and strength, he was at the top, long before the elevator would’ve been. He entered Sara’s room.
“Time of death, 5:45am,” David said.
The nurse reached to shut off the resuscitator.
“No!” Jared said as he approached the bed; tears filled his eyes. “Leave. I’ll take care of her now.”
The nurse glanced at David, who nodded.
“She wouldn’t make me do it,” he whispered. “She wouldn’t make me – make the choice. She knew I couldn’t take her life.”
“I’m so sorry, Jared. Let me know if there’s anything I can do. I’ll leave you alone with her. You can tell the nurse when you’re done.” He touched his shoulder and left.
“You think I don’t know what you’ve done?” he choked. “Even now, you’re still doing it, aren’t you, angel? You think I’m strong? You have no idea. I’m not strong! You made me strong. You think I taught you about love and loving someone? Wrong again, angel. You taught me.” He kissed her cooling lips. Slowly, he removed his grandmother’s ring and squeezed it in his palm. “Goodbye, angel,” he whispered and kissed her lips again.
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Four Days After the Funeral.
Jared stood by the window and looked out at the hot desert sun. What was left of his life was snuggled tightly against his bare shoulder, peacefully dreaming. It was all over now, all but the crying and trying to forget.
He sat in the rocking chair and gently rocked Sarabeth while he sang her Sara’s lullaby.
~ ~ ~
Myra stood outside the door, listening, fighting bitter tears. Sara had been her best friend, the sister she’d always wanted. She looked down at the small leather-bound book in her hands, took a deep breath and gently rapped her knuckles on the door.
“Who is it?”
“Me. Can I come in? I’ve got something for you.”
“Come in, but keep it down. Beth’s sleeping.”
She quietly pushed the door open. She smiled, knelt by his chair, and lovingly gazed at her niece. “She’s so beautiful, Jared,” she whispered and swallowed the lump in her throat. “She looks just like Sara.”
“Yes, she does,” he said and caressed her cheek with the back of his index finger.
Myra softly stroked her cheek and smiled again. She held the book out in front of her. “Sara gave this to me, the night she went into labor before we left for the hospital. She told me if anything happened to her,” she broke off and breathed away another wave of tears. “She told me if anything happened to her, to make sure you got this. Goodnight, Jared.” She kissed his cheek and left.
His eyes filled with tears. He held the book with one hand and began reading while he gently rocked Sarabeth.