Sophie approached the ferry wharf just as the boat pulled up. She pressed pause on her iPod and pulled the earbuds from her ears. A man, wearing a navy blue uniform, hauled a metal ramp from the deck of the ferry and slid it across to the wharf. Six or seven people got on, Sophie was the last.
She took a deep breath, chanted the word ‘love’ in her head three times, and said, ‘Thank you, sir, you’re doing a wonderful job.’
The man nodded his head.
‘Seriously, you must have to be strong to haul that ramp on and off the ferry all day. And I bet it’s no fun when it’s raining. I appreciate all your hard work. Thank you.’ Sophie looked into his eyes and gave him her biggest smile.
He smiled back, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. ‘You’re welcome,’ he said.
Sophie sat on the top deck with the smile still on her face. Her chest felt warm and open, her shoulders relaxed. Perhaps Beth was right. Giving out love felt good.
The Stage Door security guard wasn’t as easily charmed.
‘Good morning, Rex,’ she said. She paused before she reached the barricade and turned towards the muscled young man whose left arm was covered in a tattooed sleeve. ‘You’re doing a fantastic job. Thank you.’
‘Sorry?’ Rex frowned. ‘Did you need something, Sophie?’
‘Nothing, except to thank you for making sure all our visitors end up in the right place. And I have no idea how you remember the name of everyone who works here. I’m crap at that.’
‘There’s a list.’ He waved his hand towards the desk.
‘Still, it can’t be easy. Thank you.’ Sophie gave him what she was now calling her ‘love smile.’ Rex appeared a little confused, but perhaps, Sophie hoped, secretly pleased.
‘Okay,’ he said, ‘I’ll get back to it.’
The sight of Jenna’s back in the office made Sophie’s shoulders contract. It was the first time Sophie had seen her since the Weight Watchers comment.
‘Morning, Jenna,’ she said. ‘That’s a nice top.’
‘Thanks,’ said Jenna, without turning around.
‘I’m sorry for snapping the other day, I was in a mood. Weight Watchers has worked for a lot of people — I even tried it once myself. They have a great community and lots of support. Good on you for giving it a go.’
‘I lost two kilos,’ said Jenna. Sophie felt a surge of anger choke her throat. She couldn’t remember the last time she had lost two kilos in a week. Maybe all those years ago when she first started dieting but not anymore. ‘Even Jenna, in her polyester blouse, is better than you at losing weight,’ said the voice in Sophie’s head. The sky is blue and my potential is unlimited. She swapped her bracelet from her right wrist to her left.
‘Congratulations,’ said Sophie. It was all the kindness she could muster.
When Sophie arrived home after yoga, she felt as though she had been rinsed clean from the inside out. When she logged on to her Facebook account, the feeling soon disappeared. Every second post in her news feed was about how much weight someone had lost, how much they had lifted in the gym, their latest 5k run time. One of her friends had posted a picture of herself in her competition bikini. Sophie recognised it as an old photo, taken almost a year earlier. Her friend looked nothing like that now. There were people from the fitness forum posting about their breast enhancements, sponsorship deals and visit to the chiropractor. Two of her friends were awaiting shoulder or knee reconstruction.
Sophie noticed for the first time how much her friends and acquaintances talked about nothing other than their bodies and their physical accomplishments. She sighed and realised she wasn’t interested any more. As Pip had said, it was all too intense. Sophie went through her friends list and deleted anyone who had posted a photo of themselves in a bikini or in tight fitting shorts and sports bra. Then she deleted anyone who posted about weight loss. Lastly, she got rid of her subscriptions to any pages relating to health and fitness. As her news feed grew smaller she searched for pages about intuitive eating, meditation, yoga and photography. She was just adding a page about street photography when Michael came home.
Sophie felt the air grow tense. She stood up from the desk and went to kiss him on the cheek. When he pulled away, she exhaled and then smiled her most loving smile.
‘If you’re not too busy,’ she said, ‘I’d like to catch up for a few minutes. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about a few things.
Michael frowned and put his bag in the study. ‘I suppose so,’ he said.
She led him to the couch and sat down next to him. She could feel the heat of his thigh a few inches away but they didn’t touch.
‘It’s about my eating disorder and how I think I might have figured out a way to get better. You’ll never guess—’
‘We talked about this already. You don’t have an eating disorder.’
‘Okay, but I’ve been talking to Beth from work and she’s put me on to intuitive eating and this exercise where you show kindness to everyone you meet. You should have seen the guy on the ferry this morning. It was amazing.’
‘So you think the answer to your problems is to flirt with everyone. I should have known.’
The words stung like a slap to her face. ‘Sweetheart—’
‘You really can’t see it, can you?’ He stood up, sweat beading on his forehead. ‘I don’t want to hear about the guys from Melbourne, or kissing Cristophe Vilas, or anything else you get up to when I’m not around. If you’re going to make a fool of me, at least have the decency not to tell me about it.’
‘I don’t understand…’ she said.
‘Yes you do. You’re a lot of things but you’re not stupid.’
‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Stop flirting or at least stop talking about it. You’re embarrassing yourself.’ He walked into the kitchen and headed for the fridge. Sophie followed him.
‘Michael, I need you to listen. I can’t keep fighting with you. It’s not what being married should be like. I love you and I want us to be happy. I think we should see a counsellor.’ She held her breath, waiting for the explosion.
‘If you want to see a counsellor you’re on your own.’ His voice was barely above a whisper.
‘Don’t make up your mind right now, think about it.’
‘You heard what I said.’
‘Do you want to split up?’ she said. Michael looked at her. She had never said those words before, not even as a joke.
‘No. Do you?’
Sophie started to cry. ‘I… no… I don’t know…’
Michael cleared his throat. ‘Terry and Paul will be here in twenty minutes. We can talk about this later. It’s nothing to get upset about. We’ll figure it out.’ He bent down and kissed her on the top of her head. ‘Go wash your face.’
When Sophie saw her puffed eyelids and red eyes in the mirror she started sobbing again. She shut the bathroom door. She turned on the shower so Michael and his friends wouldn’t hear her. When her sobs subsided she went into the bedroom. She could hear the sound of Michael and his two friends laughing. She lit a candle, chose the Letting Go track on her iPod, lay down on the bed and closed her eyes.
She woke to the sound of Michael’s voice.
‘I sent them home early,’ he said. He sat on the edge of the bed and took her hand. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘it’s been so busy at work. People asking about what books to buy for Christmas. How would I know what stupid little kids read? I didn’t mean to take it out on you.’
Sophie sat up and leaned into his chest. He stroked her hair.
‘How did we end up like this?’ she asked.
‘It’s just the stress of work, that’s all. I don’t want to lose you —I love you.’
Sophie looked up and saw tears in his eyes. ‘I love you too,’ she said.
Michael unbuttoned his shirt, took off his trousers and got into bed. ‘Get under the covers,’ he said, ‘and I’ll give you a cuddle.’
They lay together his chest pressing against her spine, his legs behind hers. Soon his hand was on her breast, insistent. She let him make love to her, not moving from the position they were in, the way he preferred it. She wondered if it was because he didn’t have to kiss her or look at her face. He pulled out of her before he climaxed, ejaculated against her back and rolled away. She waited until she heard his muffled snores and then went to the bathroom to wash the traces of him from her body.