Stop Being a One-Date-Wonder
Darn It
By: Elnaz B.
Single Situations
To be honest, I don't recall ever reading the introduction of a book. Of course getting a background about the author would help build more of a connection but the information that the book has to offer has always been much more important and valuable in my eyes.
Most of the topics in here have also been covered extensively in the Dating Tips Section of
SingleSituations.com. If you have any questions, or comments please feel free to email them to us.
I hope this guide is of help. Good luck with everything you do. Without further ado let's get to business and learn how to stop being a one date wonder.
1
Stop Being a One-Date-Wonder
Darn it
Tips For Becoming a Successful Dater
By: Elnaz B.
Table of Contents
Please Click on each topic to be directed to the corresponding section.
Chapter
Topic
Page Number
1
3
2
8
3
Improve You Before Anyone Else
11
4
14
5
26
6
Attract More Attraction and Attention
29
7
32
8
35
2
Chapter 1
Love You First
Sometimes we get so preoccupied with family, friends, work, our pet, our life obstacles that we simply forget about ourselves. We forget that we exist too and the only reason we're alive is because of our own existence. Because Self-love and its expression is so important I have decided to make it the first chapter. It is absolutely crucial to love yourself first, love yourself second, love yourself third and then love everything else in any other order you want. Love is the foundation of a peaceful, happy life and its expression starts through self-love.
Some people think having self-love is narcissistic. The two are very different. Love is
confidence, respect, trust, passion, joy, overcoming challenges, bonding, honesty, devotion, dedication etc. yet narcissism is selfishness and arrogance. The point is the two are two separate different concepts. Simply put love is comparable to money; if you are to financially help someone you must first have some money to yourself otherwise how are you going to give away something that you don't have? It is the exact same concept with love, you must first have love for yourself in order to be able to give it away.
You must let you be the judge of you; assume everyone is incapable of judging you. Don't stress yourself over whether you're doing the right thing, saying the right thing, eating the right thing, being the right thing. You and yourself should be the only ones who make the decision about who should be and what you should do; that's why you are you. Value yourself more than any other being; value your own opinion more than anyone else's, value your existence more than any other being. Become your own priority. Avoid anything and anyone, be it friends, family, media etc that tries to persuade you to doubt your self-worth.
Everyday when you wake up the first thing you should say to yourself is:
“ I exist too. I deserve just as much love from myself as I'm giving others, if not more. I am the most valuable being I know. I deserve just as much attention from myself as I'm giving to others, if not more.
It is absolutely crucial for me to love me so I won't try to compensate for my missing self-love by seeking love from others. Only the unworthy and the desperate are hungry for love from others; I am not and will never be desperate. I will never discount my self-worth.”
Harsh, yes, but it's the truth and the truth sometimes hurts. Embrace the above quote and
become one with it. Write it as a part of your daily agenda; save it as the background of your computer, frame it hang it on the wall, do anything that will constantly remind you of it, so you won't hunt for love, like a hungry animal.
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Always begin your day by reminding yourself of how worthy you are and how much you
deserve your own love. Don't just memorize the above quote; learn it. When you learn something you'll have a profound understanding of it; as a result you'll be able to apply it to different settings.
Memorization however doesn't have any depth-you've simply memorized a set of words that you don't necessarily believe in. Learn what the outcome of having immense self-love is; learn what the consequence of lacking self-love is. Self-love should be as natural as walking-we didn't memorize how to walk, we learned it. Think about what would have happened if we had memorized at what angle and with what force we have to move our legs in order to walk. Had walking been memorized, we would most likely forget how to do it under stressful and unfavorable circumstances-this is .It is the same case with love you must learn how to love yourself so you'll be able to express it naturally in joy, misery, sorrow, fright, loneliness, confusion etc. This way you won't hate or blame yourself under unfavorable circumstances.
Self-love shouldn't end there, there are many other ways to show your love to yourself. I have listed some ways, your challenge is to come up with five more ways that specifically apply to you and have not been mentioned in this list.
In order for you to make any progress in life, you have to get over past events. If you have made any mistakes that have lead you to your current situation, don’t punish yourself. Don’t allow your previous mistakes to glue you to the past and prevent you from making any progress. Don't let the past overpower and defeat your potentials. Sometimes we become so preoccupied with stressing ourselves over the outcome of our mistakes that we forget about the lessons we learned from them. Brain-storm all the lessons you’ve learned, you'll realize the lessons you learned are much more valuable than the price you had to pay for the mistake. No matter how destructive your past may have been,it wasn't destructive enough to kill you; you're still alive- be grateful of that. Acknowledge that you deserve a new beginning and that you have the ability to change any situation no matter how unfavorable it may be. Thinking about the past will only prevent you from moving on.
Write yourself a love letter without mentioning who it’s from. Stick it on to a mirror that you check yourself out in or hang it on a wall that you walk by every day. Read the letter and become one with every word of it. Keep it in your sight so you'll see it at least once every day.
Every night before going to sleep remind yourself of at least one of your achievements. This can be anything you've done to help yourself, humanity, your community, the world etc. Quitting smoking, finding your dream career, getting a college degree, helping your neighbor cross the street, volunteering, adopting a dog, finishing a book, identifying a new virus, serving food to people, learning a second language, giving directions to someone, are just some examples. Doing this activity will constantly remind you of how valuable you are. You are helping the world become a better place. You are priceless and only the priceless see your value and deserve to be with you.
Make a list of all the things you do well and spend more time doing those things to prove your potential and capabilities to yourself. When we are unable to achieve a certain goal we tend to think of ourselves as incapable beings. We tend to overlook all our achievements and only focus on that certain failure. Proving our capabilities to ourselves through doing things we do best will help us put more focus on our strengths therefore we will start to think of ourselves as capable beings and will doubt our potentials less. By doing these activities we'll also fuel our self-confidence tank.
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List all your life challenges that you’ve had trouble achieving. Come up with at least three things you can do to overcome those challenges; take baby-steps to do those things to defeat life-obstacles and reward yourself every time you overcome one of the challenges. The reward makes you more enthusiastic about the achievement of your goal and will encourage you to set more goals to achieve.
Learn more about yourself by doing things you've never done before. When you find something interesting you do research on it to learn more about it and now you are that interesting phenomena that you're so excited to discover more about. Play sports you've never played before. Take music lessons.
Volunteer at a foundation. Participate in activities you've never been involved with to learn more about yourself. You'll be surprised by the discovery of the potentials and talents that you didn't even know existed within you.
Give yourself a physical makeover. When you look unpolished, you may not get as much
attention from others; this can lead you to believe that your not desirable, which will lower your self-love and self-confidence. Sometimes all you need is a little make over which will get you noticed, boost your confidence and increase the love you have for yourself. Make yourself a priority. Get new makeup, buy new outfit, get a manicure, exercise. Go out of your way (without breaking the bank) to make yourself more relaxed, more attractive and more confident.
Acknowledge all the good things that have come, are coming and will come your way.
Sometimes life's negativity has such big impact on us and we get so caught up in it that we forget about all of the positive things that have already happened to us. Acknowledge all life's past, present, and future opportunities and appreciate them. To begin with listen to your breath. Notice you're alive; be grateful of that. Recognize the importance of your existence to you. Your present and future depends on your existence, so you better be nice to yourself. Don’t just be accepting; be unconditionally loving towards yourself.
Have a proper diet. Your body is a sacred phenomenon. Be cautious of what you allow to enter it. Eat energetic foods that you enjoy and make you feel good. If you're not already making healthy choices, take baby-steps to stop eating over-processed food. You don't have to deprive yourself but you shouldn't over-eat either. Try to avoid foods that have a mile long list of artificial ingredients. Your health is the most valuable asset you have. Just the way you work hard to increase your wealth, you should also work hard to increase the length of your priceless life and one way to do that is through having a healthy life style. If you have any self-destructive habits such as constant drinking/smoking, over-eating, under-eating, over-stressing etc, realize you are shortening the length of your life. Make effort to overcome those habits.
Move your body! Get out go for a run. If the weather is bad then buy a fitness membership. If you can't afford a fitness membership then get an exercise DVD and do it at home. If you live in an apartment and can't make a lot of noise then exercise at the gym of your house. There is absolutely no excuse to skip exercise. If you feel lazy, call a couple of friends & invite them to join you for more support and encouragement. When you spend time socializing while you exercise, you will shift your attention to your conversation rather than your workout so exercise will be much less noticeable no matter how strenuous it may be. You can start by taking baby-steps by walking for half an hour or swimming for some time and then increasing the duration of your exercise.
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Avoid losing sleep over stress. Go to bed early, get up early. If you’ve been going to bed late & waking up early, you’ve been doing a lot of damage to your health because you’re getting less than the required amount of sleep. At the same time if you’ve been going to bed late and getting up late you’ve, once again, been doing a lot of damage to yourself because you’ve been missing out on life. Don’t roll in the bed until 2:00 am only to worry about your life problems. Stress won’t magically make your problems go away but resolving them will, get enough rest; a well-rested brain can think problems through better and find a solution to them much more efficiently.
Visit your doctor for regular check-ups. You don't necessarily have to detect something
suspicious in your body to visit your doctor. Go to your doctor and prevent health complications before it's to late.
Become a beautiful being on the inside. It is easy to be beautiful on the outside with a bit of cosmetic help, but it takes a lot more than cosmetics to be beautiful on the inside. As a child my grandma would always tell me, all old people weren't born old; one day you'll become old just like them, at that point what will really matter is how beautiful you have been and continue to be on the inside. Try to help the world become a better place. If you have time volunteer at an organization, if you have money donate to a cause, if you have knowledge transfer it to others. Knowing you have made a change in the world will make you realize your importance, it also gives your existence a point.
You'll also sleep better at night. Don't back-stab and avoid those who do. Don't gossip and avoid those who do. Don't exploit and avoid those who do. Don't be envious and avoid those who are. Eliminate anyone and anything that has a negative impact on your life.
Just the way you should watch what you eat and what goes inside your body, you must be
equally cautious of what goes inside your brain. Watch the impact the media is having on you. What you really have to ask yourself is whether the television shows, movies, music & art you indulge in are enhancing your life or detracting from it. Watching shows like America's Next top model or World's Richest and Most Successful, may be entertaining but they can make you feel inferior and less-than perfect; as a result you will be more willing to settle for anything that comes your way because you feel like you don't fit the media's definition of perfection and only the perfect deserve the best. Avoid any show/movie/music/person etc that perpetuates negativity about your image. Don't you miss the days when JLo's Curves were praised over skin and bone? The point is, you are your own person and no one other than you should define what beauty should mean to you, especially if other's definition is solely for advertisement and financial gain.
Force yourself to impress and please you. Treat yourself as the best thing you've ever had, because you are the best thing you've ever had. You are the only one that your life depends on; your life is dependent on your existence. It is you who has to bear physical and emotional pain when you're physically and emotionally hurt; others may sympathize with you but they won't experience the physical pain that you're experiencing every time you're hurt. Make a list of the things you would do for someone you love and do those for yourself. Go out of your way to release tension and stress.
Nourish yourself. Feed your mind, body and soul with the best that life has to offer. You can nourish yourself physically by exercising and consuming healthy foods. You can nourish yourself emotionally by listening to music, painting. You can nurture yourself mentally by reading your favorite 6
books and thinking positive thought. You can nurture yourself visually by watching shows that you enjoy (remember to avoid shows that will make you feel self-conscious). This list can go on forever.
When you are more relaxed, you will feel good about yourself you will be a more capable being and achieve more in life.
Practice un-practicing self-criticism. Go in front of the mirror take a good look at all your features. Pay close attention to them, whether you like them or not. Accept the fact that, we are not asexual beings, we don't self-replicate the way some bacteria do; that's why unless we're identical twins, we don't look alike. Acknowledge that all your features make you, you. If we all looked like Megan Fox and David Beckham, it would have been a redundant world. Don't criticize yourself, love every single part of you, including your perfect imperfection. Learn about your facial and body features and how you can make them stand out more. For instance if you have blue eyes learn what colors will make them standout more, if you have an olive skin tone find out what tones and shades will flatter your skin. Become one and embrace your features, learn how you can bring them so others can see the best of you. This will make you more appreciative of your appearance.
Wear outfits that make you feel amazing. Wear outfits that will bring your best features to the eyes. If you have nice biceps wear outfits that show your arms. If you have nice legs, show them off. If you have nice curves, show them off with your clothing. Avoid outfits that aren’t flattering on you no matter how fashionable and expensive they maybe. At the end of the day you don't wear outfits with their price tags sticking out, so all that really counts it whether it is flattering on you or not. Take some beautiful professional photos, frame them and hang them on your wall. Every time you walk by the photo, appreciate your beauty. Reassure yourself you will make sure you'll find someone who will appreciate your beauty just as much if not more than you do.
Don’t ever call yourself any negative terms no matter how tempting and seemingly suitable it maybe. If you haven’t been active for a while, don’t call yourself lazy. If you haven’t been taking good care of yourself avoid calling yourself a slob. Instead of wasting time coming up with names and damaging your self steam promise yourself you will change everything one at a time and overcome your negative habits. Name calling doesn't change anything, doing something about your problems will.
Reassure yourself that the bare minimum you deserve is the best. Accept nothing less. Refuse to allow anyone to treat you in any way that you wouldn’t treat the ones you love. Cut anyone who isn't respectful or loving towards you out of your life; if they're not appreciative of your existence they might as well not exist to you. If they absolutely must be around you, only communicate with them when necessary. You are priceless and you must be treated likewise.
If you still feel weak and impotent to accept and embrace yourself, watch the video of Nick
Vujicic, a motivational speaker who is born with no arms and legs. This will definitely change your view on life.
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Chapter 2
Detox You Before Anyone Else
Advanced science has repeatedly proven that a dietary detoxification can have a lot of benefits for the body. A detox can do any of the following:
• Improve metabolism
• Eliminate toxic material
• Reduce your chance of sicknesses
Strengthen the immune system
• Purify your blood
• Overcome bad habits like consuming preprocessed food, sugar, caffeine and alcohol
So if there are so many benefits to detoxification why shouldn't we apply the same concept to our dating lives so we can get rid of all our psychological toxins and improve our dating game?
The benefits of a metabolic detox are comparable to that of a dating detox.
Benefits of Metabolic Detox
Benefits of Dating Detox
Improve your metabolism
Improve your dating habits
Eliminate toxic material
Eliminate previous psychological damages
Reduce your chances of illness in future Reduce your chances of unsuccessful relationships Overcome bad habits like eating
Overcome bad habits such as going after the wrong
preprocessed food, sugar, caffeine and
person, overlooking partner’s shortcoming and
drinking alcohol
settling for pretty much anything
Helps you realize food doesn’t have to be Helps you realize you don’t need a partner in order unhealthy in order for you to enjoy it.
to enjoy life.
Helps improve your views on eating.
Helps improve your views on dating and
relationships.
Many people who have just gotten out of a relationship will try to fill the place of their Ex by jumping back into another relationship. This may be temporarily satisfying but because they still have the toxins from their previous relationship in their system, the chances of their new relationship failing is very high. Unresolved feelings, trauma, depression, anger, doubt, dishonesty, infidelity etc are toxins that no one should carry along with them to their next relationship.
In the detox phase you should spend some time by yourself. Assume you are the only one you 8
have. Sometimes the idea of being alone can frighten us and make us needy towards others. However when we spend some time by ourselves we'll realize that being alone isn't as frightening as we imagined. This thought process will in turn make us a stronger person who will react more rationally towards breakups and letting go. You must resist the urge to leave yourself and find other company of romance. Remember: In the detox phase being with anyone other than yourself is considered cheating; you're not a cheater are you?
Jumping into a new relationship without resolving your previous problems is the key to an
unsuccessful relationship. If in your previous relationship, you had doubts about your ex, chances are you'll also have issues trusting your new partner; you might use your ex's infidelity as an excuse to justify your doubts towards your new partner. If you move into a new relationship having feelings for your ex, you will be incapable of reciprocating your new partner's love and that can frustrate you and your partner. If you are depressed from your previous relationship, the presence of a new person in your life will not magically destroy your depression; seeking therapy and removing your problems from their root is your only refuge. All these toxins should be gotten rid of in order for you to have a healthy successful dating experience.
I have come up with some general ideas for you to become closer to yourself, your challenge is to come up with 5 more ideas that specifically suit you.
The detox phase is 1 to 3 months long; you can also seek therapy if you need to. During this phase the only person who you will try to impress and get the love of is yourself. Learn more about your own dating habits. Learn more about your wants out of a relationship. Many dating failures are due to the lack of self-awareness. During this phase you should make your dating and relating framework so clear that you'll know exactly what you expect to get from your dating experience and what you will contribute to it in return.
Spend just as much time alone with yourself as you do with your friends realize being alone is not as frightening as you have mentally persuaded yourself to be. Sometimes relationships especially long term ones can make people so attached to their partners that they won't be able to look at themselves and their partner as two separate people. Everything they do must involve their partner; the attachment will make them see their own lives and their partner’s life as a single entity. Undergoing a detox will help people separate their lives from their partners.
Detox will help you to stop thinking a relationship will solve all your problems. You will realize only short-sited people who are too afraid to face their problems try to escape them by shifting their focus onto something else. In reality, the problem is still there but their focus is on their relationship so they can pretentiously avoid the problems.
Keep a journal about your detox experience. Be professional about it, assume you want to
publish it and teach others how Date-Detox. Set a time frame and challenge yourself to get over your past withing that time. Try innovative ways that no one has thought of before, remember your goal is to succeed so you can publish your system and become the next relationship Guru. To inspire yourself even more constantly picture the regretful face of the ones who didn't believe in you once they find out about your achievement.
Make a list of all the reasons why your relationship wouldn't have worked out even if the both 9
of you wanted to. This list can consist of infidelity or your ex's habits that got on your nerves or his/her constant family intrusion or maybe the two of you just weren't compatible-chapter 4 will go over different levels of compatibility, in case you need clarification. Once you are done with the list, promise yourself to not get in a relationship with anyone who has the same habits and short-comings.
You must be happy in this phase. Avoid any TV/ radio/ music or anything that will remind you of your past and depress you. Avoid anything and anyone that will make you feel less than perfect. If you enjoy stand up comedy, Google search a stand up comedy shows in your town and attend them.
Avoid melodramatic, romance, sad, drama movies. Do the things that you've always wanted to do but time never permitted. Go out with your friends. Go shopping. Go to the park and pay attention to its livelihood.
Surround yourself with tribes of amazing, happy, optimistic people. Their positivity will make you look at life through a positive eye. Also because you enjoy their company, you'll want to be more like them. During the detox phase you should cut all pessimistic, complainers out of your life, it's a good idea to cut them out permanently but if you can't completely eliminate them, do it for the detox phase. The last thing you want is people who constantly remind you of your own problems.
Rid your mind of all negative, unproductive assumptions. Clear your head of the assumption that your only source of happiness was the one who left you; remember he/she was unreliable and didn't stick by you through thick and thin. Explore new paths in life, soon you will realize there is much more to life than relationships. Discovering other ways of having fun will expand your horizon on life and will prevent you from summarizing the point of life only in romantic encounters.
Use this time to date yourself. Take dance classes at the local studio, volunteer, try a new sport, get involved in activities that you've never tried before. This will help you become a more interesting, and a well-rounded person. Aside from that, after you have successfully finished the Detox phase, and you're ready to date, you'll have far more interesting stories to talk about over dinner than how mean your boss is.
Give your entire life a makeover. Start with yourself, by buying new outfits or getting your makeup done professionally, or getting a new haircut. Then move on to the area that you live in, get rid of or at least hide, all the things that remind you of your bad memories; it can be a dress an ex bought you or a love song you wrote for an ex etc. Watch this video about giving makeovers to your life after
breakups. Sometimes giving your life a makeover can unconsciously symbolize a new beginning for you and consequently encourage you to move on and begin a new chapter of life.
Take a week or two off from your everyday-life to travel. Explore as much of the world as your financial ability and your time allows you to. Expand your cultural, mental and ethnic horizon by exploring other rituals and cultures. Putting yourself into new settings will help you reflect on your own life in ways you had never done before. The va