Personally religion is not important to me. In fact I don't recall ever asking any of my previous partners what their religion was. I connect and accept others for their qualities rather than their spiritual beliefs. The only reason I decided to include spiritual compatibility in the compatibility criteria is because it is important to some people and I respect that. But remember, no matter how religious you are do not overlook what a person has to offer because of his/her religion.
In order to figure our your spiritual preference for a partner, you have to figure out your own stance on the spirituality meter. Let's expand on the different categories.
Strong Mono/Poly/Non-theistic believer
So-So Spiritual
Agnostic Atheist
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On this scale “Strong believer and follower of a mono-theistic belief” means that you believe there is a single higher power. You worship, appreciate and praise that higher power on a daily basis. You base your life on the certain set of sacred principles taught by that religion. Examples of monotheistic religions are Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and Sikhism.
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“Strong believer and follower of a poly or non-theistic belief” means your practices don't necessarily involve praising a single almighty; it may involve praising a living being or several higher powers. Some poly-theistic and non-theistic beliefs include Buddhism, Hinduism, and Zoroastrianism.
If you belong to the strong mono/poly/non-theistic believer category, no matter what your
belief, you strongly respect and follow the it and incorporate its teachings in your everyday life.
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“So-so or Middle of the road” means you belong to a particular organized congregation be it mono, poly or non-theistic yet you don't practice the principles as much as a strong believer does. If you are a non-praying Muslim or a non-church going Christian, or a non-praying
Buddhist you may fit under this category.
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“Spiritual” means you believe in higher power yet you don't categorize yourself as a member of any organized congregation. You believe there is a higher power, even though you're not a Christian or a Muslim etc. You are interested in the spirit of any sort (hence the title spiritual) and you've dismantled your opinions and embraced diversity.
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“Agnostic” means you don't believe or disbelieve a higher power because you don't know if it exists. You will believe in the existence of a higher power once enough evidence is given, until then you're neutral.
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“Atheist” means you don't believe in a higher power, because you haven't been provided with enough scientific evidence to believe in the existence of a higher power.
You can now put a check mark under the category that applies to you.
Strong Mono/poly/ non-theistic believer
So-So
Spiritual
Agnostic Atheist
Now that you know what your own spiritual preferences are, it's time to find out your
preferences and flexibilities towards your partner.
Remember to fill out this section with an open mind as having the same spiritual beliefs does not guarantee full compatibility. If spiritual beliefs is not a deal-breaker for you avoid making any restrictions. Love does not depend on race, religion, income, social-class etc.
Note: This section is all about YOU and YOUR preferences, so base your preference on your opinion; avoid thinking about what your friends will think if they find out you're a Muslim dating an atheist. If you don't see anything wrong with dating a person from another group, others shouldn't either. At the end of the day, you are the one who will be living with your partner, and you know what makes you happy and those who truly care about you should respect that. If you give more value to other's opinion than you do to your own you may remain single for the rest of your life.
I have brain-stormed some spiritual congregation that your partner may belong to, feel free to 21
add other religions that come to your mind and mark each your flexibility towards them. When filling this section out remember there are just as many great atheists as there are Christians and just as many great Muslims as there are Buddhists and just as many great Jewish people as there are Sikhs; this list could go on and on; the point is, the qualities and the capabilities of people should not be summarized in their religion.
Religion
Preference
Religion
Preference
Agnosticism
Satanism
Atheism
Scientology
Baha'i
Seicho-no-le
Buddhism
Shinto
Cao Dai
Sikhism
Cheondoism
Spiritual, but not religious
Chinese Folk religions eg. Taoism
Tenrikyo
Christianity
Unitarian Universalism
Church of World Messianity
Wicca
Folk religions
Zoroastrian
Hinduism
Islam
Druidism
Jainism
Judaism
Mormonism
Rastafarian Movement
It is absolutely crucial to know, neither you nor your partner should give up your spiritual beliefs against your own will for the acceptance of the other. This may initially bring the two of you together but ultimately it will cause disharmony, frustration and regret. And once one of you finds someone who is more compatible, ending the relationship will become immensely tempting and inviting. Your partner's beliefs must be embraced by you just as much as yours are by him/her. Neither one of you should be selective about what parts of your partner you will fall in love with; you either love the whole package or you don't (unless your partner or you want to convert on your own will).
Constantly convincing or forcing someone to change their beliefs in order to be more accepted is selfish, unfruitful and illogical.
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Mentality
It is important to be on the same mental page. If the two of you constantly disagree with life decisions that come your way, you will be miserable. If you don't have a common ground upon which you can make your life decisions on, then you have some major problems. Humbly making
compromises and doing things as your partner pleases every once in a while can make a relationship stronger, yet constantly convincing yourself to do things against your will just to keep your partner around will eventually become frustrating and destroy your relationship.
It is important to make sure you and your partner have the same mentality when it comes to the important life decisions. These are just some of the important decisions that you must consider when it comes to mental compatibility testing. You should get to know yourself and your tolerance level first.
Read the questions below and see how wiling you are to live with someone who has a different opinion than you. See if you can live with a partner who has different views than you on certain topics.
Do you want a monogamous relationship?
How flexible are you towards a partner who doesn't believe in monogamy?
Are you marriage minded?
How flexible are you towards a partner who doesn't believe in marriage?
Do you want to continue working once you're married?
How flexible are you towards a partner who doesn't want you to work against our will?
How flexible are you towards a partner who wants you to work against your will?
Do you want children?
How many children would you like to have?
How flexible are you towards a partner who feels the opposite about children?
Do you want to adopt children?
How flexible are you with a partner who feels the opposite about adoption?
How tolerant of a partner with children from previous relationship are you?
Will you be accepting of a partner if he/she doesn't tolerate your children from a previous marriage?
Will you ask your children to live with your own parents or their dad for the sake of your partner?
How flexible are you towards a partner who doesn't like your family?
How flexible are you towards a partner who isn't close to his own family?
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It is absolutely crucial to make sure you and your partner are both on the same page when it comes to such crucial decisions. So make sure you and your date have similar mentalities in the areas that effect your relationship before getting too serious.
Financial Compatibility
Money is another factor that many people tend to overlook. Yet that vary same thing that people take so lightly is the root of 51% of all and the number 1 reason for all divorces. It's better to not be in a fairytale land when you get into a relationship and think things through in a realistic manner. Your partner and you don't need to have the same incomes yet you do need to have the same views on the value of money and how it should be spent.
In order for you to successfully find someone who is financially compatible with you, it's best to get to know what type of a spender you are by answering the following questions.
Were you brought up in a family that valued money and was conscious of how it was spent?
Are you good at handling money?
Do you have a good credit?
How much money do you owe? How much money do you own?
Do you rent or own your place?
Do you believe more expensive always means better quality?
Do you use coupons?
Do you believe money is important in a relationship? To what extent do you think money brings happiness?
What is the minimum amount of a purchase that you would notify your partner before making the purchase?
If you were given a $100,000 loan how would you spend it?
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If you didn't have to pay back the $100,000 how would you spend it?
Do you always pay your bills on time? How often are your bills late?
Do you have a self-made budget that you stick to?
Do you believe saving is more important than spending?
How often do you look at the detailed statement of your credit cards and loans?
Do you shop around for the best deal?
How often do you use your credit card? What's the minimum purchase you use it for?
Do you pay your credit card debt right away?
Do you have any stock market shares? Any extra income? Any retirement savings? Any crisis savings?
Do you have any family or friends that you know will lend you money?
How much do you usually spend when you go out?
How frequently do you eat out? When out with a group do you split or itemize the bill?
Do you or an accountant handle your taxes?
Do you keep track of your monthly expenses and savings?
Is “does he/she have the same financial dream as I " on your criteria when seeking a partner?
How important is the credit of your partner to you?
Were you the sole provider in your previous relationship?
Are you willing to be the sole provider in your future relationship?
Do you believe financial contribution by both partners makes the relationship stronger?
Hopefully you've been wise with your spending and have valued your hard earned money. I'm
not suggesting you should be greedy, but finding a balance between the two extremes is always the best. If you haven't been taking your finances seriously it is time to save up and clear your debt. When you finally find the one, your focus should be on him/her and not your financial problems, so do your best to clean your debt-mess while you're still single and haven't invited anyone to your life yet.
Let's look at a simple scenario that will hopefully convince you to take your debt more
seriously. You can skip this paragraph if you are financially in good standing.
Imagine you've borrowed $5,000, at 14% interest. If each month you only make minimum
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payment of $100.00, it would take you 22 years and $5,887 Only in interest to pay off this debt.
$5,000 borrowed, $10,887 payed back, just doesn't seem logical or fair; yet so many people are still borrowing because of its convenience. Many banks have interests as high as 20% which would cost the borrower even more time and money. There's nothing wrong with borrowing especially if its for an urgent cause, but you must be wise about it. Don't splurge on things you don't need and can't afford. It is also important to realize that although minimum payment may seem easier to pay, it will cost you more and time in the long run. So increase your monthly payments no matter how tempting and inviting the minimum may seem.
While asking your date the financial questions you just asked yourself can be inappropriate, you can visually answer these questions by paying attention to how he/she handles money on the date.
Spending money recklessly on things she/he clearly can't afford is a major red flag. Those who aren't aware of the consequences of constantly using credit card without paying it back, will eventually hit the wall, and that will in turn affect your relationship. Unless you can manage to compensate for their spending or you know you can change their spending habits, avoid committing to such people. You will have financial related problems, that will most likely end your relationship.
Just the way you should avoid reckless spenders who can't afford their own expenses, you
should also avoid penny pinchers. It is difficult to have a fun relationship with someone who only values saving up. You wouldn't want to be subject to scrutiny every time you go grocery shopping. A Luxury life is not a must but a comfortable life is. You shouldn't be prohibited from replacing your worn, torn shoes just because your partner wants a fatter bank account; saving money is great as long as it doesn't get in the way of living a comfortable life.
Someone who shows a balance between saving and spending is an ideal partner. Someone who
believes “Going out to eat is nice but it doesn't have to be at the most expensive restaurant in town” or
“Buying a gift is nice but it doesn't have to be a $3,000 designer gift” shows the most responsibility with money. Show your date, early on, that you value money and are concerned with how it is spent. If you identify issues mention and address them prior to commitment; if you realize there is a financial-principle gap that cannot be bridged, you should consider letting go.
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Chapter 5
Search, Search, Search
My grandma used to tell me if you're thirsty but sit on the couch all day and ask for the glass of water to come to you it won't, until you go get it yourself. Nothing will come to you unless put an effort into going after it. Most people successfully apply the go-getter rule to their careers, education, friendship etc yet they have a hard time incorporating it to their love life. If you sit in your house, no one is magically going to find out you're single, appear at your door and ask you out. You must go out and announce (non-verbally) your availability.
I have listed some places you can go to. Try to come up with 5 other places yourself. Challenge yourself to go to at least 16 different places within the next month.
Lounges/ Restaurants: This is a more obvious one and it really doesn't need a lot of elaboration. Just make sure you try different locations. If you have no luck at one spot, avoid constantly going there.
Also if the staff at a restaurant or a bar know exactly what you'll order for your drink, appetizer, main-course, desert etc it's a good sign you need to explore new areas in town.
Gym: Try to regularly change the day and the time you go to the gym at; this way you'll see members you haven't seen before. When you go on the same time, you get used to seeing the regulars. If there’s a particular member that interests you, go to the gym at that time so you will see him/her more often.
Even if you're not successful at meeting someone in the gym it never hurts to be fit and look good for other occasions.
Events at your community: If your community throws events for singles attend them. This is probably the place to find singles as you already know they are there to find someone, so there is no second guessing whether they're single and are looking for someone or not.
Classes: Painting, cooking or a language class, it truly doesn't matter what type of class it is, quality people love learning and they seek the same in a partner. Also these types of classes offer a perfect excuse to get together later for practice.
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Dance clubs: Any dance class that requires a partner (ie Latin or swing dancing): dance classes are a perfect excuse to couple up and get closer with someone you're interested in.
Prepared food aisle at the market: Many singles (especially men) don't have the time for cooking. They regularly visit their grocery store to buy their dinner after work. You can start great conversations if they need your expertise or advice on some food you have already tried.
Apple/ electronic store: With the technology constantly advancing to the next level, many people spend a lot of time in gadget stores trying to keep up with the technology. There are singles who would love to give you some advice on a purchase.
Auto shows and boat shows: If you are interested in cars/motorcycles/bicycles/boats meeting at transportation shows is a great way to show you both have a common interest. Search the next auto or boat show in your town. Also if you know a thing or two about cars it is a great way to impress someone by your knowledge.
wine tasting: If the bar/club scene is too loud for you try wine-tasting, it's a lot calmer and quieter. The chances of meeting a partner who knows a thing or two about wine is very high. Google search wine-tasting events in your city.
Charity events and marathons: These are great places to meet people who have a love for life and other beings. Knowing you both have a passion for making the world a better place will make your bond even stronger.
Sport events: If your company or community organizes a baseball, volleyball, or basketball league, join it. You never know who you can meet in these events while having the time of your life.
Volunteer: You can make your community a better place. Also you may meet the one who is passionate about the cause that you're so passionate about.
Concerts: One of the greatest places to meet someone, especially if you're both a fan of the entertainer.
You will instantly have a common interest. It will become much easier to connect.
Dog parks: If you are a dog-lover, you can meet another dog lover at a dog park. Also dog-lovers enjoy talking about their pets, so you have a great topic to talk about.
Amusement Parks: Amusement parks and arcades are great places to have fun and meet someone who loves to have fun as much as you do.
Traveling to cities with large single population: Google search cities with the highest single populations, travel to them. In America cities such as New York, Atlanta, Boston, Seattle, San Francisco, Washington DC, Austin, Miami, Los Angeles have high single population (try to stay away from Vegas as a lot of singles who travel there, are looking for fun and not a serious relationship.) If you live in Canada Vancouver, Victoria, Toronto, Montreal, and Edmonton have over 50% single adult population; consider traveling to these cities.
Religious gatherings: If you are religious and use spirituality in your compatibility criteria, religion-28
related events and gatherings are the perfect places to meet someone who has the same spiritual belief as you. Google search such events in your area. You can also ask your priest to set you up with someone who is single; if you're too shy you can ask your family or friend to ask for you.
Building supply/hardware stores: This is especially for those who know a thing or two about supplies.
Many people wander around hardware store aisles with lots of questions and very little idea of what they are doing. If someone looks confused politely offer your suggestion and provide your number in case he/she has any questions.
Museums and exhibitions: If art fascinates you, you can meet someone who loves art as much as you do.
Local events: Check out the newspapers or Google search your neighborhood picnics, square dances, tour special events etc. These are great places to meet other singles.
The park: While in the park you can get some fresh air and meet singles who appreciate and take advantage of nature.
House parties: Attending house parties is a great way to meet someone who your other friends may already know; you can get more information about them from your friends. You can also ask your friends to set you up.
Book Clubs: If you enjoy reading, book clubs are nice places to meet like-minded people.
Online Dating
It's a good idea to go online and test your luck there. Make sure you are totally honest with your information. Upload recent pictures, that are a true representation of what you actually look like; don't think your date will be blown away by your personality and overlook the 10 extra years and the 30
extra pounds that your profile didn't tell him/her about.
If you are dishonest about anything you will first and foremost be a liar in the eyes of your date.
Dishonesty is just not a good foot to starts any encounter on. Honesty is the number one key to success in dating. Also it's always best to be fully over with your previous relationships before hitting the online dating sites, don't try to get over your ex or make your ex jealous by bringing someone new to your life; it's unfair to both of you.
It is crucial to gain as much information about the people you meet online as possible to make sure they are over their ex, have no baggage. Make sure they are fully separated and not just contemplating the idea of separation by hitting the dating world. Also ask questions from the people you meet, so you won't meet serial daters or married people who are just looking for intimacy. Get to know your date and make sure he/she is honest, truly single and looking for a relationship and not just looking for 2 weeks of fun.
This was just a small list. There are thousands of other locations that you have to be prepared and presentable for as you never know who is single. Challenge yourself to go out and have fun no matter how tired you may be.
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Chapter 6
Attract More Attraction and attention
No matter how much you explore the town and no mater how much money you spent each time
you go out, if you don't have proper manners you will not be successful. You shouldn't only have proper manners around the one who intrigues you, you should put proper behavior into practice at all times so it'll come naturally.
Avoid overly done conversation-starting lines. This is especially for gentlemen. Be confident, genuine and sincere by heading right to the introduction."Hi I'm Jay. What's your name?" can make you stand out amongst the typical "Hi have we met before" guy. Chances are people will tell you they've never seen you and you'll have to come up with other ways to keep the conversation going; at which point it will seem like you are trying way too hard and you'll look desperate.
Be extremely nice. Care about people. Don't be obnoxious. Don't ill-wish anybody especially when you're talking about your ex. Remember most of the people that don't know you, try to figure out what type of a person you are by your interaction with others. If you are disrespectful or inconsiderate, they'll wonder if you have anger problems and will be physically or verbally abusive to them in the future. So don't think being obnoxious will make you seem tough and cool; you'll only come across as obnoxious and inconsiderate.
Have a sense of humor. Don't tell offensive jokes. Have a subtle and sophisticated humor.
Avoid racist, sexist and every other “ist” jokes. You don’t want to come across as a rude funny-wannabe.
Show your intelligence. For a lot of people, intelligence is sexy. Being in a relationship with someone who is ignorant can become frustrating. Be a well-rounded person, show curiosity, find out what's going on around you. Quality people value interesting people.
Take good care of yourself. Exercise, groom, eat well etc. When you look unpolished and
uncared for, you're telling others you're not even capable of taking care of yourself let alone 30
taking care of someone else and that will make you an unsuitable partner. If you don’t like yourself to keep yourself in a decent shape, why should anyone else like you?
Be well groomed. Your appearance makes a world of difference on people's take on you.
Go to a decent hair stylist and ask what style is suitable for you facial features. Find out what colors, shades, and tones flatter your eye and skin tone. Also gentlemen if you're balding it may not be a bad idea to shave it all off like sexy Vin Diesel and Bruce Willis. Make sure you shower, and smell good. It may not be a bad idea to have a travel-size cologne and a deodorant on you ( or in your car) in case you need to do some touch-up. You don't want to miss a chance because of your armpit smell.
Get your teeth whitened. Yellow teeth may indicate poor hygiene. Avoid or limit foods
that stain your teeth. If you smoke, try to quit smoking; most people are turned off by it. Also make sure you don't have food stuck on your teeth after you eat. It's best to have gum or a travel-size mouth wash somewhere in your car or purse so you can freshen up; you don't want to have a garlic-flavored breath when you talk or kiss.
Start working out. When you exercise you become mentally and physically fit. Also
exercise has shown to boost your confidence. The more confident you are the more attractive you will be.
Show your confidence. Don’t puff your chest out to look tough as I've already said you may look like someone who has anger problems. Stand with your ears aligned with your shoulders; walk, sit and stand with an upright posture. Make sure you are making enough eye contact, projecting your voice, not fidgeting etc. In the end, it all links back to confidence. Some people tend to get nervous when talking to others and act like they're about to delve into a marriage proposal. Relax and remember you’re simply socializing and expanding your social circle. Assume others are incapable of judging you.
Don’t put yourself down. You may criticize yourself with the intention of getting others to build you up. You may even be doing it as a joke. But PLEASE don't announce your flaws; you can turn others off by bringing a flaw that they hadn't noticed into their attention. Show you are proud of everything that makes you you. If you don't appreciate yourself, what makes you think others will?
Keep the complaint level to a minimum. Everyone enjoys the company of those who
make them feel good. If you’re constantly complaining about one thing after another and
reminding others of their own problems, people will associat