After my horrible experience at the pool party, I was very reluctant to go to any more parties, or brothels for that matter, where I would feel like I didn’t belong and worse that I wasn’t wanted. However, I also didn’t want to miss out, and going out with Ben and his friends was normally fun, when you aren’t being vomited on, mistaken for a prostitute, or causing some sort of huge fight. I knew turning down their invitations would be something I would regret. Women would literally do anything just to be near those men, and for some unknown reason, those men seemed to enjoy my company. I actually got quite embarrassed by the attention the men would get sometimes. I really didn’t know what it was about them; after all, there are a lot of attractive men out there, but I think it had to do with their confidence and, of course, their money and lifestyle.
Two weeks later, after I had finally finished licking my previous pool party wounds, Ben and his friends took me to another pool party at a very exclusive club in Sydney. I spent absolutely hours deciding what to wear and finally chose a short, tight, orange beach dress. As it was Sunday, I was extremely hung over after a Saturday night out with Elly and did not feel at all attractive. My reluctance was made worse by the fact that Elly couldn’t come and so I was compelled to go alone. Understandably, I was nervous after my last experience, but I forced myself to go.
Ben and his friends were already at the club and so I was meant to enter alone, find the head bouncer and tell him I was Cassi. Ben told me the bouncer would then ‘bring me straight up’. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to go up to some random man who might answer back with ‘Cassi who?’, I wasn’t confident enough. So instead I called Ben and asked if he would come and get me. I think he knew I was absolutely terrified and so he did as I asked. When he came down to get me, he very kindly wowed at my outfit and the took me upstairs to the pool. As we got to the pool side I swear the entire place turned to stare at Ben, while I followed behind just praying that I didn’t fall in the pool. As we approached Ben’s friends I was very happy to see a few friendly faces.
As women literally threw themselves at Ben and his friends, I continued to feel a little insecure, like I really didn’t belong there. It was probably one of the worst feelings in the world watching all these beautiful rich people and thinking you didn’t really belong there, like you were some sort of fraud. That you just weren’t good enough. Nonetheless, not wanting to give up my newfound freedom (unless I was covered in vomit of course), I stayed and gained Dutch courage through the power of alcohol.
Like the majority of times I had stepped outside of my comfort zone since my breakup, the day, nevertheless, turned out to be totally amazing and very different from anywhere Guy would ever have taken me. As I chatted with the beautiful women like they were my friends and flirted with the men like I was the most confident woman in the world, I learnt that day that no one really ‘belongs’ in that world. Everyone is just faking it, and I could of course just fake it as well. At least in the short term I could. I could while I wanted to, and while I craved the distraction. It obviously wasn’t who I was deep down but at the time it was someone I wanted, and needed, to be. Very importantly, none of the girls essentially woke up looking that beautiful and given time, make-up and surgery I could also look like that if I wanted to / could be bothered to. Any girl could. I knew I would never be able to pull off the ‘I’m a bitch and I don’t care about anything but how pumped my lips are’ look.
For reasons unknown to me, Ben chose to take me home that night, and we had sex for hours and hours. Months later, he actually told me that he was so impressed by the way I handled myself that day, how comfortable, relaxed and friendly I was and how amazing I looked in my orange dress. Isn’t it funny to think how other people see you and how different it is compared to how you see yourself?‘Confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you are way better than everyone else; it’s walking in not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.’ — Unknown.