CHAPTER 30
I’m lost into the blue sky. "I wish we could escape from here, to a place where only you and I will be." I sigh.
"Let's do it," Liam says, his fingers playing with my curls.
"We can't, and you know that," I utter in a very low voice, dismayed at by several reasons.
"You know if we just tell your friend the truth everything else will be solved, right? I'm not sure what you're expecting from all this, Kira, but I'm getting tired, to tell you the truth," Liam says, his tone hurt and accusing
"But it's not that simple, Liam," I whisper.
"Why not? Do you realize that at some point she'll have to find out about this?" He shifts back, and we're now distant, both physically and emotionally. "Or could it be that you're planning to live your vacation while doing this secret romance, and then forget everything about us once you're done?" His eyes turn dark, and his words inflict nothing but pain.
This is unfair.
"Of course that's not my intention. I do want us to work out, Liam, but what am I supposed to do now? You've no idea how crazy this whole situation drives me. I have to put up with Sam's speeches that she loves you every single day, and you don't know how that feels." I’m suddenly overwhelmed, fully aware that I am mostly to blame.
"So, what do you want me to do?" Liam snaps. "Do you want me to accept her? Because it's you that I love, Kira, and if you can't tell her, then let me do it for you. I want you, I need you . . . I’m willing to do anything to make this work. And the first step is coming clean about our affair.”
I just stare at Liam with my eyes wider. Thinking of Sam, I don't even want to imagine such a thing, but it's the worst case scenario.
She'll hate me forever.
I know how resentful Sam can be; I know how ballistic she may get knowing that Liam's rejection towards her has something to do with me.
I'm not sure how she'll take it.
Ever since she learned that her mother had personally abandoned her to the orphanage, that it wasn't an accident or anything similar, Sam became fragile.
"No, I can't let that happen," I think out aloud, shrilling inside.
"Is that so?" Liam murmurs threateningly. "Then why are we wasting our time here?" he remarks, his eyes raw.
My heart pounds faster. “What do you mean, Liam?” I breathe, staring him deeply in the eyes.
I hope it's not what I'm thinking.
Liam gets up, and I follow him with my gaze. I’m horrified of his upcoming words. "I think it's time you make up your mind, Kira. It's either Samantha, or us,” he says.
"Are you giving me an ultimatum?" I ask carelessly, unable to move.
"Perhaps that's the right word," he tells me crisply. "I can't be your summer adventure, Kira, if that's what you want from me."
"Summer adventure?" I manage to stand up stoutly. "That's not true, Liam, you're being unfair."
"Unfair? And what do you call this?" he says sharply. "Are we fifteen? We're adults, right? Then why do we have to hide? Until when? Tell me, Kira."
No! "Liam—“ I stammer.
"I hate games, and it's precisely what we've been doing," he snaps.
Me, too, but how can I do it? I'm trying to think but my cowardice won't let me. I'd hate to be a reason behind my friend's heartbreak.
"Maybe you're right," I say, sniffling like a crying baby. Maybe I’ve become one. "But I don't know what to do, Liam. I don't—“
"I'll take you home, Ms. Jones.” Liam starts moving, leaving my speech hanging. The playful Liam is gone; there's only the cold Mr. Darcy, and I'm back to being the mundane Ms. Jones. Oh Lord.
In a few minutes we're on the road, an utter silence blanketing us both, only nonhuman sounds take the reign. Sighing, I reach for the radio and turn it on, only to bump into 'Because I'm happy' blaring so merrily that I nearly roll my eyes. I quickly turn the radio off.
When the car pulls over in the parking lot, it's already dark. Our ride has been extremely grave. Liam refused to utter a word, and I wasn’t audacious enough to make him. Now that we are home, I stay put for a minute, hoping to at least hear something from him, but he says nothing.
Can't he even say he's angry? I hate the coldness around us. It’s too much to bear.
"You won't talk to me again?" I ask like a child, staring hopefully at him.
"There's no point and I'm tired." He unbuckles his seatbelt.
There is . . . I love you.
"So, we're like . . . breaking up?" I tease, ignoring his angry face.
"Do we even have a relationship to break? Can you name it?" He glares at me but I persist.
"Liam, you're being too harsh," I tell him. “I swear—“
"Aren't you getting off?" he interrupts me, and it's more of an order, and it makes me mad.
How dare he? It's like I'm the only reason for our problem. Am I not? A mental reminder doesn’t help a thing.
"Of course I am, you think I'll sleep here?" I snap, taking off the filthy belt.
Liam’s lips tighten from my reaction. "Kira, what else do you want from me? To continue playing around with you? I'm sorry, but I can't—“
"Shut up, I get it!" I lash, trying to unbuckle the seatbelt. Damn, I hate that he's right. "Fuck, why doesn't it open?" I struggle for almost ten seconds and Liam stares intently at my crazed hysteria.
"Kira." He bursts out laughing, and I shoot him a glare. "Wait, let me do it." He moves closer. I want to reject his offer but the smell of skin takes my breath away. I still.
My face stays an inch apart from his, eyes on one another, and his body weighs slightly over mine as he unfastens the seatbelt.
"Liam," I whisper, feeling by body unrestrained as the belt loosens across my chest.
"It's done," he says. My heartbeat accelerates. He doesn't move an inch, he stills himself, staring at me tentatively; his eyes as blue as the stormy sea, looking hurt and deprived.
I slowly raise my right hand, trying to reach for his face, but he catches it on time. My subconscious gasps, my eyes wide open. He doesn't want me. He doesn't even want me to touch him. I feel the tears escaping my eyes.
"You—“ I start, but he unexpectedly shuts me with his lips, kissing me hard as though communicating his pain.
What do I do? I don't want to let him go. I kiss him back, my tongue demanding, holding his firmly. We are breathless as our lips part.
"God, what do I do with you, Kira?" Liam pants, his forehead against mine. "Why are you playing with my patience like this?" he breathes, piercing my heart with his rueful words.
"I want to be with you," I utter, my emotions out of proportion, feeling afraid to lose him. "I really do, Liam."
"I believe you," he says. "But it can only be possible if we face what needs to be faced. It's the only way, baby, unless you're ready to run away with me."
"It's not funny." I sniff, holding onto his soft caress on my cheek.
"I'm not in the mood for jokes, either. I'm serious about both options." He pulls back to the driver seat, filling me with the void. "Go," he utters, looking so distant; both physically and emotionally distant.
"Okay." I sigh softly in defeat, and slowly exit the damned Aston Martin. I think I've lost this round and I wonder if there's any more left.
Could this be the end? I just suck in a deep breath.
Inside the house I find everyone in. The guys are watching a boxing match, and Sam is busy with her cellphone and ice cream in a huge cocktail glass.
On the table lie some empty beer cans and two boxes of family-size pizza. I can smell the garlic and cheese, and it turns on my stomach a bit.
However, my mood disagrees with it.
"Hi," I greet casually.
"Hi, Professor." Malik grins. "I thought you'd be home a little late."
Me, too.
"Well, you thought wrong, Malik. Here I am," I return exhaustedly, and Jamal stares at me with a knowing smile.
I flush. I think Jamal knows my little secret, and Malik likes tormenting me without thinking of my position with Sam, who's currently looking at us with ambiguity.
How does she not notice?
"And Liam, where is he?" she asks.
There's something about her tone of voice that rather disturbs me. I don't even have to answer, however, as Liam shows himself up. I openly look up at him, and he only walks past me to join them. I swallow hard upon seeing his pensive look and indifference. My karma.
"Aren't you sitting down? I brought pizza," Sam says.
"Maybe later, I'm feeling tired," I reply and leave.
Locked up in my room, I cuddle myself in bed with my head on the clouds. It's hard to believe that I'm actually on the point that I've been so afraid to be.
I think my journey with Liam has finally come to an end.
It's either I choose him, or my best friend, I can't have them both. I end up laughing maniacally instead. Why do things happen this way?
And just as I want to be alone, Sam walks in after a knock.
"Hey, what's up? You look like shit," she mutters.
"Shit happens, right?" I wipe any trace of my displeasure.
"Yeah, they do." She sits down. "So, where did you go with Mr. Darcy? As you call him." She forces a smile, but I know it's hideous.
"We went out for lunch, we took a little walk at the beach, we talked, and returned," I say, absentminded.
"Oh?" she utters.
"Does that bother you?" I glance at her.
"No, why would I be bothered?" she snorts quickly. "It's only surprising since you two don't get along that much."
"We don't get along?" I huff; feeling like it's the best joke of the year.
"I thought you don't like him that much, to be honest," she says incessantly.
"I have nothing against him, so why would you assume that?" My voice is flat.
"Maybe because you hardly talk to each other, the same way you talk to Malik, and suddenly you went out with him," she says in an accusing tone of voice.
"I don't know what it is that you see, but we get along very well. He's nice, a gentleman, so why wouldn't I get along with him?" I say, stunned.
"Not that I'm bothered, but it feels horrible knowing you went out with him, while so aware that I—‘’
"That you have a crush on him?" I interrupt, scowling. "Well, I'm sorry. I won't go out with him again. Is that okay?" I almost yell, for she's really driving me insane right now.
And I don't want to take it out on anyone but myself.
"It's not a simple crush, Kira. Also, you could've hinted me that you two are together, right?" she says softly, then sighs heavily. I almost smirk at my pained emotions. "Anyways, what did you talk about?"
Now it's getting annoying.
"I don't even remember," I reply, and it's the truth as my heart is on a leash right now and my mind isn't cooperative either.
"Cool, if you say so,” she murmurs. “So what are you up to? Won't you join us for some movie?"
"I'm going to sleep. I have a slight headache," I reply.
"Okay." She gets up. "Can I use your charger? I'm not sure where I placed mine."
"Inside my handbag, over there," I answer, and in a couple of minutes she's gone.
What's happening? I sigh heavily, running fingers through my hair, which unties Liam's handkerchief.
I breathe in, holding the wrinkled piece of white fabric to my face. It smells like him, or rather his cologne I'm not sure what level of craziness I've reached, but I'm not feeling myself, and this migraine is just adding to it.
I think its midnight. I get up abruptly from a sleep with both my skin and lashes drenched. I gasp for some air while holding my chest as though I've been chased by a monster in my dream. However that's not far from the truth, I had the same nightmare; the accident scene, and I try sniffling the tears away. This day keeps getting terrible.
I'm not sure how I was able to fall asleep with all the emotional turmoil I'm living at the moment. But now that I'm awake I realize I've had a few hours nap as it's around eleven, and my head hurts a bit. I sit up, pulling myself together on what to do next; I know I can't go back to sleep even if someone sings me a lullaby.
For once I miss my little home big time. I wish I could fly back in time and pretend none of this has ever happened. No Liam, no Montana, and definitely no Florida; I wish I could just forget it all. My heart tightens when I recall our stiff conversation at the beach earlier and all the harsh things he said.
The image of his angry and pensive look when he stated that we should end this game haunts me. I find myself laughing bittersweet while drying my eyes. He probably thinks I'm too indecisive and immature, and it hurts a lot. I do understand his point; however, it's just too hard to accept things sometimes.
"Well." I sigh. "It's over, Kira Jones. The sooner you accept the better." I need something that can take my mind off things.
Maybe swimming will do, my water goddess whispers.
I flick the lights on and change into a bathing suit. I don't care it's late at night or not; I'm really doing this if I don't want to completely lose my mind. Inside my bag, I fish for a towel and this silky robe that I barely use. I wrap my body with it, ready to free the stress.