CHAPTER 25
Dear Diary,
This week has turned out to be a lot of fun. Natalie is a really nice person, by which I mean that she is always ready to listen to my incessant babble. I can talk to her in terms which few people understand. Dad understands very well but I can’t burden him with all my thoughts, not in all fairness. Tom - well, Tom is a scientist. I love him dearly but I know it’s no good talking to him about the soul. He’s a realist. So am I. So is Dad. So is Natalie, for that matter, but it is a different sort of realism. I like talking to her. I can pretend she is the mother I never really had.
’Sometimes I think none of this is really true.’
’None of what?’ asked Natalie.
’Everything, sorry, that doesn’t make sense,’ said Gabrielle. ’I was just wondering if maybe I had died already. How would I know it, if that was the case? I mean, maybe what we call death is really a sort of birth.’
Natalie considered. ’I’ve read somewhere that if you can feel pain, you should be glad, because it proves you are alive.’
’Hm. Perhaps. I wouldn’t mind not having that sort of proof. But what if pain is only an illusion along with everything else?’
’It usually seems real enough when it happens.’
’I’ll say,’ said Gabrielle with feeling.
’On the other hand, I wouldn’t like to think that emotions such as love and passion were only illusions.’
’I sometimes think they must be,’ said Gabrielle. ’At least, I thought so the other day.’
’Oh, what happened?’
’I fell down. Stupid of me, I know, but it was one of my better days and I was moving around the room, using the furniture for support. I’ve done it often enough before but this time it didn’t work and I fell across the stool there.’
’So pain was real enough then, I suppose?’
’Yes, it seemed to be but that was nothing. That sort of thing happens often enough not to bother me. The thing is, I cut my knee and it was bleeding a little. Tom was just coming upstairs when he heard me fall. He picked me up and inspected the damage, cleaned it and put a plaster over the wound. So far so good, but would you believe that he did all that without actually touching me directly? I mean, he was given a perfect opportunity to fondle my knee and all he saw was a patella, which I still think sounds like something you eat at a Spanish beach party. What sort of passion is that, I asked him but I never got a satisfactory answer. If that’s not illusory, I don’t know what is.’
Natalie gave a little laugh. ’It sounds to me as though you were teasing him. Do that and he may be driven into going further than you want.’
’I suppose so. Sometimes I think it would be nice but maybe that feeling is only an illusion as well. What do you think, Natalie? I mean, don’t you ever feel as though you would like to go a bit further than a kiss and a cuddle?’
’The question hardly arises, not in my case,’ said Natalie. ’Anyway, it all depends on what you mean by a bit further.’
’Well, use your imagination,’ snorted Gabrielle. ’Having your breasts fondled, a hand up your skirt, that sort of thing.’
A look of astonishment passed across Natalie’s face at the thought. She felt shocked.
’Do I scare you?’ asked Gabrielle.
’No, not scared. It’s just that, well...’ Natalie fluttered her hands helplessly. ’It’s just that you do come out with some outrageous statements at times. I hardly know what to say.’
’I don’t have time for all the social niceties,’ observed Gabrielle. ’It’s a pity, but there it is. In the meantime, I have to use my imagination a bit. If I wait until people are really ready I might have to wait forever and I don’t have that long. So, what do you say?’
Natalie shook her head sadly, feeling that pretence simply wasn’t possible. ’As I said, the question hardly arises, Gabrielle. Not any more. Not at my age. Perhaps it never really did. It was the way I was brought up. If things had been otherwise, perhaps I would be married now but things were as they were at the time. I’m not old. I don’t feel old but I’m old enough to belong to a different generation with different values. I make no claims for them being better, but they were different.’ She shrugged carelessly. ’A hand up my skirt? Not then. Not even now. Not without a wedding ring.’
’And with it?’
’That makes it different, of course. Then it’s allowed, encouraged even. However I was brought up, I’m only human after all.’
’And what about your fiance? Did he never make the attempt?’
’If anyone else asked me that, I would get angry,’ said Natalie lightly.
’But not with me. I know, I’m just the poor little sick girl who can’t be refused anything. It’s amazing how much I can get out of people with that approach. It works really well.’
Natalie laughed out loud. ’Gabrielle, you’re incorrigible.’
’That’s right. And you’re evasive. Well?’
The older woman took a deep breath before answering. ’You’re like a fly buzzing around an open wound. Well, not so open now. It doesn’t hurt any more. Yes, to answer your question, he did try his luck, but never got beyond the knees. Why do you think young couples hold hands so much? It’s so that the girl knows what he is doing with his, and can keep them under control. I suppose I might have let him go further, but as it happens, I’m rather glad I never did.’
’If Tom was to try that,’ pondered Gabrielle with a serious expression, ’I wouldn’t forgive him. Yet at the same time, I rather wish he would. Illogical, isn’t it? Is that just hormones, do you think, or am I being odd, or unfair?’
’No, I don’t think so,’ said Natalie. ’Probably most women feel like that. I suppose they have to. After all, they are the ones left holding the baby, even nowadays.’
Gabrielle chuckled, giving a sound like a mountain stream. ’Hardly applies in my case. Besides, Tom’s seen me naked often enough and had his hands everywhere as well and I do mean everywhere, even though that’s only been in the line of duty. The poor man has to settle for that, which can’t be much of a consolation for him. Come to think of it, it’s not much of a consolation for me either. I sometimes fantasise about how it would feel to share a bed with someone in a state of passion but that’s one of the joys of life I shall never know. The urges are there, my word they are, but there are certain practical aspects to the matter which make it impossible. Even if I could conceive, I’m not likely to live long enough to give birth anyway. ’
’Oh, Gabrielle, you shouldn’t talk like that.’
’Why not? I’m a realist in spite of my musings on the meaning of life. In a way, I know what life is all about, much better than most people. I don’t have so much of it that I’m unaware of its value. But to change the subject, it’s lovely having you here. You’ll come again of course.’
’If I’m asked, then yes, I would like to pay another visit,’ said Natalie.
’I’m asking you,’ said Gabrielle. ’If I leave it to dad, nothing will get done. Oh, don’t misunderstand, he’ll be delighted to see you again. It simply wouldn’t occur to him that you might want to be invited. As I already told you, he’s surprisingly shy. He never had much in the way of social skills and because of me I think he’s lost the few he had. Yes, you come again, any time you please.’
’I’d like that,’ said Natalie simply, wondering again at the ease with which the younger girl took charge of matters. ’Unfortunately, I’ve run out of holiday when this week is up, so it’s not likely to be for some time.’
’You won’t be working at Christmas, will you?’
’No, I don’t suppose so.’
’Come then. Spend Christmas with us.’
’But Christmas is for families,’ Natalie objected.
’So you can be an honorary member for the occasion. Do come, Natalie,’ Gabrielle pleaded. ‘There’ll only be the three of us otherwise. We don’t have many relations and they live a long way off. We hardly ever see them.’
’Well, we’ll have to see what your father says.’
’He’ll say yes. He likes you, you know. In fact, he’s rather fond of you. And that’s not me speaking. He told me so himself. And Donald Vickers is an honest man. If he knows how to tell lies, I’ve never caught him out.’
’Well... ’ said Natalie hesitantly.
’Good, then that’s settled. And now I’m getting tired. I’d like to sleep for a bit. You go and talk to dad. He needs you as well. Probably more than I do.’
Natalie smiled at the girl’s impetuousness as she tucked in the blanket around her shoulders and dropped a soft kiss on her head. Leaving the room, she was arrested by a drowsy voice.
’You mustn’t leave it later than the end of the year, Natalie, or you may not see me at all.’