THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL
THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL
THE TEXT HAS BEEN WRITTEN IN ENGLISH AND REVISED BY THE AUTHOR, TO
WHOM, NONETHELESS, REMAINS STILL NOT BEING THE ORIGINAL LANGUAGE. AS
OF THAT, DISCRETION IS ADVISED WHEN IT COMES TO GRAMMAR. ON A
DIFFERENT NOTE: THIS BOOK CONTAINS WHAT IS USUALLY DESIGNATED AS
‘STRONG LANGUAGE’, THUS READERS SENSITIVE TO THAT SORT OF TERMINOLOGY
ARE NOTIFIED AS OF NOW TO THE PRESENCE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED IN THE
FOLLOWING TEXT. SO, ENJOY THE BOOK, AND GO FUCK YOURSELF.
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THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL
THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL
COPYRIGHT©2012TIAGO BONACHO
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«Do you understand all these things?» They answered,
«Yes.» And He replied, «then every scribe that has been
instructed in the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a
household who brings from his storeroom both the new
and the old.»
MATTHEW 13:51-52
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I
Elvis has left the building!
Arrogance, haughtiness, optimism…?
Who knows what it might mean about a man
who thinks or says that out loud after
ejaculating.
I guess an old Priest ends up hearing
all sorts of things during Confession. Is that
a sin? How am I supposed to know…?
Where are we? On a South American
Mission in the fifteen hundreds…? Try the
missionary position for a change. The
gentleman on top. It’s said the Indians used
to fuck in all sorts of ways, hence the advice
for a more poised intercourse from the
European Missionaries and the name given
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to it. I wonder who might have taught the
animals to screw in the Ark… Noah, maybe,
or one of his sons. It might have been
something in between Martin Lawrence’s
character in National Security – is-this-a-
thong…? – and Family Guy’s British porn –
almost…! Almost…! Here we are. Too bad I
can’t use more jokes from Peter Griffin due
to the fag element in the show. I guess
America is overwhelmed with that shit. Oh,
well… as the Book of Revelation is usually
summed up, fuck it.
That issue always reminded The Holy
Spirit about Saint Michael The Archangel,
the defender of the children of your people,
as it says in the Bible. One thing this means
is that Saint Michael was sort of a nanny-
like figure, but in a very military way. For
instance, this one time, when he was
interrupted, he would be like a mix between
Full Metal Jacket’s drill sergeant and Tony
Clifton – who the fuck said that? When I go
like this, I expect absolute silence! There’s
an artiste on staaaaage… So you kids,
paraphrasing Saint Michael, in case mommy
or daddy say that there’s nothing wrong with
the fags and the dikes, you can give them the
Constantine treatment: for your boss… (I
feel like John Connor coaching the
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Terminator – and you can do combos: for
your boss… motherfucker.)
Short version why humanity has
become so perverted? They got their wits
fucked out. World War II might have ended,
but propaganda went into overdrive. You
groom humanity in a way so that it loses all
hope in eternal life, you have them chasing
the most outrageous lies of personal
accomplishments that this world can never
fulfill while working shitty jobs so many
hours a day, and you end up with fucking
pin-balls needled to drip-bags of bullshit
running around on Defcon one.
Anyway, continued the Priest, my life
is good… Brother Ignacio-like... I get up at
five AM every morning to make soup… I
sleep in a bed all by myself my entire life…
Brother Ignacio always reminded the Priest
about the Holy Spirit because of this one
time He came to confess to him. On that day,
He, The Holy Spirit, felt a bit like an
intruder in the midst of The Holy Trinity
because, well, God THE FATHER had
created the world, given up His Son for the
Salvation of men and had/has been enduring
all sorts of things due to a misguided use of
free will from his creatures; Jesus, God The
Son, well, everyone knows what He went
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through; and the Holy Spirit… just had to
come and tell the Truth… you know? He felt,
in the midst of The Holy Trinity, due to these
circumstances, a bit like Chris Tucker’s
character in Money Talks, in the helicopter,
after having escaping, as if he was in on it
all along – we made it! We did it! Everybody
okay? Everybody alright? Or like that parrot
joke. A guy goes into a pet shop to buy a
parrot, and the owner says, this one costs a
thousand, and he speaks English. This one
costs two thousand, but he speaks English
and French. What about that one?, asked the
customer. That one costs three thousand,
answered the owner. And how many
languages does he speak?, continued the
customer. None, replied the owner, but the
other two call him boss… Does it need to be
said that The Holy Spirit didn’t thought of
Himself as the boss? It was just an abstract
image so to illustrate how He felt sometimes.
The Priest had conflicting feelings
about being the Confessor of The Holy
Spirit. On the one hand, he felt as if
everything was revealed to Him, and so it
seemed that nothing came to mind except his
flaws and errors. But on the other hand, he
enjoyed the answers The Holy Spirit
sometimes gave about, well, the whole
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mystery of the fucking thing, existence and
stuff. As in, for example, how He felt like K’s
locker after receiving the Eucharist – all hail
Christ! All hail Christ! – and what He said
about the unity in the Holy Trinity, that it
was like those kids in the YouTube video, the
one with Charlie and his brother sitting on
the same chair. Or like Jake and Paden
busting out of jail in Silverado. Concerning
Creation, The Holy Spirit always kid
around, as in, it was like The Hangover, He
said. Hey, there’s a fucking tiger in the
bathroom…! What the hell is a tiger? What
the hell is a bathroom?
The Holy Spirit said that Jesus was
always joking around with Him. For
instance, when He, The Holy Spirit, revealed
Himself to the Angels, He was convinced
that Jesus had already talked to them about
the Holy Trinity and stuff, thus being aware
of who He was. But when the Holy Spirit
revealed Himself to the Angels, their
reaction was similar to the one Brother
Ignacio got from his brethren after telling
them that, yes, it was him, El Nacho, the
luchador – who…?! Not that Jesus has many
reasons to smile about while the world
doesn’t end, because of the state humanity is
currently in, but you can foresee Jesus’
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sense of humor in some parts of the Gospels,
such as, for instance, when He tells the
Pharisees that the prostitutes will precede
them in the Kingdom of Heaven. Now that
shit is funny. I don’t think anyone laughed at
the time, though… Anyways, continued The
Holy Spirit to the Angels, I don’t know how
to say this… but I’m kind of a big deal in
Heaven – in a Ron Burgundy kind of
manner, He would put it…
Or how the Native Americans used to
tie a weight to their dicks
– …?
The
Writer’s
thoughts
were
interrupted by a skull that the river had
brought with its current. That made the
Writer think that a prophet, sent by God in
this day and age, would always have to say
something
about
Israel,
nevertheless
Revelation being as far ahead as it currently
is because of Christianity. But because of
that, and Jesus being The Law, as He is, it
seems that the only thing that a prophet
could say to Israel, would only be the legal
advice that Fletcher Reede gave to his client,
Skull.
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The Writer kept washing the ash out
of his hands in the river, now that he had
assisted on his last cremation of the day. The
fume clouds against the sun always made its
setting magical in Varanasi.
– You’re a character in a blog or a book.
And you can connect with the Author through
prayer. But you have to have style or swag, you
know? Look at me, for instance, I only speak in
Arial…
What did he mean by that?, thought
the Writer, while washing his hands in the
Ganges and looking at the sunset.
– Shot full of diamonds and a million
years.
– The disappointed disappear –
singing.
Then both together:
– Like they were never here –
pounding, afterwards, the following drum
line on his legs with his hands. – Jimmy’s
drums arrangements in this music sounds as
if it was written by Mozart himself. And how
are you?
Talking.
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Making time.
The inevitability of death is the
element that gives sense to the real Truth
about this life. Truth is where death is
indispensable so to make sense. Living your
life without hope in Eternal Life, as in, with
complete or relative disregard to what
concerns philosophical, moral or theological
issues, but living that way, so to die
eventually, to such philosophy, death does
not make sense, as in, it’s party all the time,
with no or few moral impediments, and then
it’s over? What’s the sense in that?, as in,
does that feel like the truth that the
circumstances of this world seem to convey?,
together with the desire for and Eternal Life
of joy in the human heart? I don’t think so.
Death does not make sense to reason in that
scenario. Suffering patiently, to that death
makes sense, because more than obviously,
it will not last forever as such, as in, despite
of all religious, philosophical, political or
moral differences, to one thing we can all
agree: in this world, no one stays forever.
Being Bill and Ted one of the
differences between humans and Angels, as
in, when Angels do the air guitar, it actually
works!
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Something between the paragraphs
– Then, I want you to come to
Portugal, or wherever he might try to hide --
that's a laugh -- and take care of the
anthropological illusion, the prime minister,
but, needless to say, first I want him
terrified, then comes the reason for him
being terrified, so he will be more terrified.
But just give him a sample, for starters. Or
not. Anyway, it goes not only for him, but to
the ones who helped him, politically, that is.
»Talvez seja melhor avisar os
«católicos» que votaram no lixo para
fazerem as leis desse país, que não sei o que
é que possam ir fazer a Fátima depois disso.
Só se for para algum Anjo os mandar p'ó
caralho. Enfim, filtrado pela minha alma, o
sentimento é este. Quando precisarem de
ajuda, é melhor, então, posto essas escolhas,
irem pedir depois a quem votaram, não só
nesta vida, mas na outra, já que, assim
sendo, colocam-se a si próprios numa
posição na qual dizem saber mais do que
Deus. É melhor irem confessar-se. Têm que
ter em mente que, ao terem votado nessas
monstruosidades, estão a subscrever as
ideias de quem votaram, logo, tal como
essas aberrações, co-responsáveis por
escandalizar as crianças através das leis
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promulgadas e, se não estou em erro, Jesus
disse, ai daqueles que forem causa de
escândalo para os mais pequeninos. Seria
melhor a essas pessoas que lhes atassem
uma mó de moinho ao pescoço e as
atirassem ao mar.
Note: don’t forget to translate the
Portuguese parts.
– Then, I want you to take care of that
pervert who currently leads the so called
«Christian»,
or
«Christian»
inspired
political party, also in Portugal, which,
judging from their leader, it must be for
some years now some sort of perverts’ lair,
em português, um antro de fufas e
paneleiros.
– No wonder simple folks are
confused in that country…
– And take out all the masons in
Portugal also. And I want brutality. None of
that heart attack shit. For starters, the ones
responsible for trying to rob the church in
Santarém. The ones who ordered it and the
ones who did it. If it’s a war they want, I
guess we’ll have to teach them what’s that
all about. As a manner of speaking,
naturally, given that we don’t do wars, only
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annihilations. How’s that line go? People
should know when they’re conquered.
– Wow…
– Did or didn’t I say that the
desperation of the devil would create a
target rich environment?
– Yes, you did. Just, uh… what’s a
devil?
– …? he’s the enemy of God...? Are
you sure it is really written about you in the
Bible?