-S-
Sara mumbled under her breath. She was lying down on the couch and looking at her cell phone. Michelle looked at Sara.
"What should I say to this guy to let him know that I am not interested in him at all?"
"Just cut him out. Who are you talking about?"
"It's Jack. I don't want to be mean."
"It's not mean. You just don’t like him. What does he do?"
"He is in college. He is really dull and he thinks that I am interested in him."
"Cut him off. Trust me; you are doing him a favor." Sara put her phone away and sighed.
"Well. I am still jealous of you. At least there are always guys after you. I wish I could meet somebody," Michelle said.
"Let's go to the dance. There were a lot of guys."
"I guess I can do that. I am also trying to move to a different department." Michelle laid down on the floor.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want to see more sad people; people who are diagnosed with cancer. There was a couple who used to come to our hospital a while ago.”
"Who was the patient?"
"A wife. Anyways, the husband was so kind and nice to his wife. I've never seen someone that was that gentle. One day, I had a chance to talk to the wife. I told her: ‘You have a wonderful husband. You are married to a perfect man,’ and she suddenly started laughing and told me, her husband had so many affairs. He offended her so badly, and she had a hard life, and they finally divorced."
"Oh, how did they get back together?" Sara put her cell phone away and asked.
"The last woman that he was with had debt, and the husband paid it for her. After that she ran away with his money. He finally realized that his wife was the only person who truly cared for him. He went back to his wife and begged her to take him back, and she did. Not long after they got back together, and they found out that the wife had a cancer. The husband regretted what he did to her."
"That is touching, but also really sad. What happened to his wife?"
"It was 3rd stage lung cancer. They tried their best to fight the cancer. Last time I saw them was 2 months ago. I hope I don't hear from them."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I don't want to hear that she passed away."
"That's sad."
"I know. It is really depressing that to hear that your patient did not make it and does not come to the hospital anymore." Michelle sat up straight and started using her laptop.
"I understand. I don't think I can do that. Watching people die. It is too painful."
"You know what? I've seen other nurses meet the patients and be happy, some even fall in love and get married and stuff. I want to fall in love, too. Like a movie. To do that, I need to transfer to a different department though."
"Wait, how do you know if you are in love or not?" Sara asked and Michelle started laughing.
"What? Why are you laughing?" Sara felt embarrassed.
"It is just so funny. Who asks that kind of question?"
"Well. It's really different. I mean, liking somebody and being excited about it, and falling in true love are not the same thing at all."
“Uh, I guess so. Well, I don't know then. You dated Keith for a longtime, and you still ask that question?"
Sara's phone rang, and she checked it. It was a text message form Jack. She put it away without answering and kept talking.
"Oh, well. But think about it, it's a very important question. Why is the divorce rate in this country more than 50%? They weren't in love. They thought they were, but they confused that with passion."
"Maybe they just did not know each other well."
"I think it is hard to get to know everything about another person. I personally think it is impossible. I guess that is the reason why people just live together instead of getting married."
"So, the rest of the people who don't divorce, are they in true love? Is that how they sustained their marriage?"
"I am not sure. I think everybody has their own story and situation. It is not that simple to answer. I asked many people..."
"You asked that question to people?"
"Yeah, I did." Sara answered and Michelle laughed.
“What did they say?”
“They reacted like you. Laughed, but they could not tell me what it is. Of course, they had their own opinion about it.”
“I don't know if anyone can answer that for you. Even if they have the answer, it can be different from what you expect. Just like every person is different, I think there are many different ways to look at true love. Does that make sense?" Michelle said.
“So it can be different to everybody?”
“Yes. I think it is. So, you think you never loved Keith?”
Sara sighed. “No. That’s why I broke up with him. He could not accept it. I tried to explain, but he did not listen. He thought I had another guy. I’ve known him since we were young, you know? For like 22 years, I only had him. It was not like he was not good enough or something. He is a little bit shy, but he gets along with people, and I think he is good looking. He was always nice and responsible. There were girls who were jealous of me. People may think I was crazy.”
“Maybe. I get where you’re coming from, but I am not sure if I fully understand you now.”
“You know what? Maybe I am going through puberty now. My life was always so peaceful.”
“I don't think so. Everybody has their own trial. Sara, you have a really great attitude and you are very optimistic. I think your attitude always brought more good stuff in your life. I always wondered how you were always happy and delightful.”
“I guess that’s maybe because I grew up in a happy family. I am sure Brian and Haylee are the same.”
“No. They are good people, too, but you are different. I think you have something special.”
“What is it?” Sara was curious.
“I am not sure what to say, but I feel like you have a very warm soul. I don’t have a religion, but I do think that people have souls.”
Sara thought about how her soul could be warm for a moment and kept talking.
“I never was this confused in my life. I had a really simple plan. Just graduate from high school and college, get a dream job, marry a guy I love, and have a family and live happily ever after. Maybe I am a little bit conservative compared to others, but I thought it was the best way to live my life. It was that simple back then… but now… I don’t know what to do with my life, and I don’t think I’ll ever marry a guy unless I am sure that I truly love him and he truly loves me. If I don’t find out what true love is, I don’t think I can get married. What if I die alone?”
“No, you won’t. People change all the time. If you start meeting people, you will know what you really want. The reason why you are confused is you are not sure what you really want. I am the same, but when we understand ourselves first, things become clearer.” Sara thought Michelle was right. She was not sure if she knew herself very well.
“Working in a serious environment makes me think about serious stuff. I guess it is kind of beneficial in some ways,” Michelle said.
“I don’t think I can work in that place.”
“Well. Nursing is not an easy job. One of the greatest things that I learned from there is...” Michelle stopped talking for a moment and Sara was expecting something profound from Michelle.
“All people die, someday.”
“I think I knew that.” Sara smiled awkwardly.
“Wait, that’s not what I was talking about. Listen, when we know when our lives end, it helps people to know what they really want. It is easy for us to be honest with ourselves. I saw so many different emotions and faces. Anger, sadness, and some people are happy and grateful to be healed. However, when they found out about their status at first, there was one common emotion. They were filled with realization.”
“Oh…” Sara thought that made sense.
“You know how people say ‘live your life without regret?’” Sara nodded.
“When I saw the people in the hospital, it was not all about ‘not regretting.’ It was also about how they didn’t even know what they really wanted before, but now they knew. Well. It is hard to explain. They thought they tried to live their lives to the fullest; they did their best, but it was still not enough for them because they did not know what they really wanted back then. Does this make sense?”
“Yes. I think so. You mean since they didn’t know what they really wanted, they couldn’t make the best decisions for themselves. They thought they made the best decision for them, but later they found out it was not. It is not just regret, but I feel sorry for the chances they missed out on.”
“Right! When you make decisions while you are not honest with yourself, it is really hard to see what you really want. There are a lot of things around you. It can be your work, money, or people. However, when death is right in front of you, you finally put yourself in front of everything. ‘What do I really want while I am alive?’”
“So, how can I be honest with myself? Is there any other way rather than die?”
“I don’t know. I just said whatever came to my mind. I should write this down.” Sara and Michelle both laughed.
“I really like that. I need to be honest with myself.” Sara thought that was what she really needed.
“I know; it would be great if we could do that. It is not that simple though. We all have many complications in our lives.”
Sara’s cell phone rang, but this time she ignored it.