Ch16
Sara probably never knew how much influence she had over me. Having influence on someone can be a powerful strength. With influence you have the power to shape people’s decisions and change their lives.
What influence do I have on others? What good qualities do I possess? I never treated my family and the people around me the way they deserved to be treated.
I could see the world much clearer through sober eyes. I knew the mistakes I had made and where I made wrong turns. I guess all I have now is greater perspective.
It’s funny, but I’m actually grateful that Gary was there to take care of my family. He was the dad that they always deserved. I wish I hadn’t beaten him as much.
Before I die, I have to apologize to my family. I don’t know if they will accept my apology or not, but it’s something I have to do. Otherwise I will die knowing that all the memories my family will have of me will be negative. Those negative feelings will create resentment and hatred. I owe it to them to kill the hatred growing inside them so that they can be free. It’s the least I can do.
-R-
At 6:00pm on Tuesday afternoon, Robert started getting ready to meet Sara. He knew that he didn’t have much time left, so every second he could spend with her was precious to him. He carefully picked out his outfit and put a dab of cologne on before running down the stairs. Boldo was sitting on the couch as usual watching some mindless television show. He looked up as Robert came into the room.
“Hey, I am leaving in two days. I think it is quieted down enough. It’s time for me to move on.”
When Robert heard Boldo was leaving, he felt surprisingly sad. Boldo was the first roommate he’d had in 30 years. Boldo had become a friend to him and he was the only person that he could talk to about his situation. Robert imagined how empty the house would be after he’d gone. Part of what made him so happy these past few weeks was the absence of loneliness in his life.
“Ok. If you need anything, just let me know.
“Thanks.”
“And, you can always come back here. You know, while I am alive.”
“Ok.” Robert wanted to ask if he could stay longer, but he thought it would be better for him to leave and find someplace safe. Robert walked to the kitchen and saw a lot of plants and materials scattered on the table.
“Are you making something?”
“Yeah, it will help make me feel better.” Robert took out a can of soda and sat next to Boldo. There was a reality show on and a woman was crying.
“You’re going dancing tonight right?”
“Yes.”
“How is it going?”
“Good.”
“I already told you this before, but why don’t you push a little harder?”
“Yeah, I thought about that, too, but I am not sure if she is ready to meet someone yet; if things don’t work out, I might not see her until I die.”
“Maybe she has changed. People always change their minds, especially girls. They want to show people that they are changing, but sometimes they just need someone to help them. I think you should try.”
“I know…but I am just…she trusts me as a good friend and I want her to remember me after I die. I am afraid that if I try and go after her she will only remember me as another one of the guys that was chasing after her. If I remain a good friend to her, every time she sees flowers, or whenever she visits Seattle, she will probably remember me fondly.”
“So you’re giving up?”
“I don’t know. I think I am happy now.”
“You won’t regret dying without telling her how you feel? Just being her friend?” Robert could not say anything. He always wished he could see Sara longer. Every time he gave her hug, he wished he could hold her in his arms longer. He wished she knew how he felt about her and that she felt the same way.
“You are a good man,” Boldo said and stood up and walked upstairs.
“Where are you going?”
“To see if there are more books.”
“Ok.”
Robert tried to watch the television, but he couldn’t focus. Thinking about Sara and the fact that Boldo was leaving distracted him. He was not sure how Boldo felt, but Robert thought of Boldo as his friend. l will be ok. It’s just another month, and if I can see Sara…everything will be fine. That reminds me, how can I prepare for my death?
He started thinking about how he should die. He wanted to die in peace in a quiet place. Robert decided to find a spot around a beach in California, somewhere similar to the beach in his memory.
After Robert ate dinner with Boldo, he went upstairs and changed. He was going to wear cologne, but his clothes already smelled so good that he didn’t see the need for it. He saw Boldo before he left, when he looked at him he felt grateful; it was weird how strongly he felt.
“Hey, Boldo.”
“Yes?”
“Thanks, for everything.” Boldo just waved his hand to Robert without looking at him. He was sad thinking about being alone again, but he was also excited to see Sara.
“Come in.” As soon as he rang the bell, Sara called out from inside.
“Hey, how are you?” Sara walked to him from the kitchen.
“Hey, how was your day?” Robert gave her a hug. She smelled like apples. Robert always liked to see her, but today his feelings were stronger than usual. Sara was so lovely to him.
“Have you practiced at home?” Sara asked while she was preparing music in the basement.
“Yes, I did.”
“Well, lead.” Sara put her hand out and Franz Lehár’s‘ 'The Merry Widow Waltz’ started playing. Robert took her hand, moved to the middle of the floor, and started dancing. Robert tried his best to remember what he learned last time, but being so close to Sara distracted him; he could not focus on dancing because all he could think about was how beautiful she was. Sara was also smiling at him, and kept looking into Robert’s eyes until the music ended. When it became quiet, he tried to stop dancing and dip her, but Sara moved closer to him.
“Keep dancing. It’s ok.”
“Ok.” Robert nodded.
They kept dancing without the music, and they slowly moved closer to each other. When they were close enough to hear each other breathing, Sara slowly kissed Robert. Robert was very nervous; he could hear his heart pounding. He slowed down the speed, but did not stop dancing. They were dancing while they were kissing. Sara stopped moving and they continued to kiss.
“What did you do to me?!” Robert asked Boldo as soon as he got home.
“What?” Boldo asked him back without any facial changes.
Robert was confused if he was happy, angry or embarrassed. It was amazing kissing Sara, it was like a dream; actually, it was sweeter than any other dream he had in his life. But what if it wasn’t her intention? Robert needed to know if Boldo had to do something with this.
“Sara kissed me today.”
“That’s great, and you are upset because she was a bad kisser?”
“No, it was amazing!”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“Why did she kiss me?”
“Because she likes you.”
“Did you do something? Like magic or a potion?”
“I did not do anything that could change her mind.”
“Is that true?” Boldo nodded.
“Hey I trust you, don’t lie to me.” Robert said.
“Look, Robert.” Boldo closed his book and said, “You don’t have much time left, and I am telling you again, I did not change anyone’s mind. You guys were just being a little more honest with yourselves.”
“What do you mean?”
“There are so many people who are afraid to act on what they really want to and they often miss the chance to have what they want; and both of you are that kind of person. You guys worry too much; however, if someone can give you a little push, even if it is just one moment of courage, everything is much easier.”
"What? How did you do it?"
"It's called 'Smell of Truth.' I put some on your shirt." Robert remembered that Boldo was making something today. Boldo stood up and walked downstairs and said, “Now I feel much better.”
“Hey, I still don’t understand what you mean?” Robert asked.
“That means she likes you, too.” Robert was having doubts about what he just heard and took a second to process. He felt happiness filling up his mind.
“I need more details, hey.” Robert walked to the basement after Boldo.
That night, Robert bought the stuff that Boldo asked him to buy. He checked his fake glasses, hair dye, circle lenses and other stuff.
“This is good stuff. Thanks,” Boldo said.
“Are you sure you’ll be ok?”
“Yeah, you know how busy people are. They’ve already forgotten what happened. Their own business is more important than other people being killed.”
“I thought you would stay until everything ends.”
Boldo looked at Robert with glasses on. “No, I don’t want to see you die.”
“You don’t have to feel responsible for my death. ”
“Well. I don’t,” Boldo said with a smile. Robert did not know much about him. He was a gypsy, and had special abilities. However, he was still human. He had been suffering for what he did.
“So where are you heading?”
“I will cross the border to Mexico.”
“And then?”
“I don’t know.” Robert did not know what to say.
“Well. Thanks. Thanks for everything. I think I should say that,” Robert said.
“You don’t have to. You gave me money, and your life. It was a good deal for me.”
“Hey, I have a question.”
“What?”
“Can you really talk to the dead?”
“No, I can’t. I just pretended.”
“Oh…ok.”
“But,” Boldo said. “I wish I could, so I could talk to my dead wife.”
Robert just nodded.
The next day when Robert woke up, Boldo was gone. He left a note for Robert.
-I am leaving a day early.
Robert felt empty. He looked at the couch where Boldo used to sit. Robert sat down while holding the note. His friend was gone. He wished Boldo would be next to him when he finished his life.
Ah, right. I really don’t want to be alone when I die. Robert sighed.