Rasul When I woke up around six o’clock in the morning to use the bathroom, she was cuddling me tightly, as if she was scared I’d disappear into thin air. So, I kissed her forehead and went back to sleep. Later that day, she was discharged, and I was transferred back to Bronx Lebanon Hospital the following day, only to be discharged, later with instructions to visit a physical therapist, and regularly get a checkup at the college health center.
[One week later] Outgoing call
Luana Have you been ignoring my phone calls?
Rasul No. Well, actually yes, I’ve been thinking about this for a week and I still don’t know how to tell you…
Luana What is it? Tell me.
Rasul I don’t know how to tell you Lu. I wish it was that simple.
Luana Whatever the problem is, I’m here for you.
Rasul These past few weeks have been rough on all of us; it hurts to see you hurt, I remember how broken it made me feel. It hurt listening to you cry; I felt useless, I hate feeling useless. All I wanted was to end your pain. Your happiness means everything to me, and until the end of days I’ll make that my priority. I want you to be happy again, because you deserve it, and you’re the happiest person I’ve ever met, you bring joy to everyone around you, and I can’t take that away from you. You need to shine. I can’t bear to see you hurt, I can’t bear to hurt you, and I can’t bear to see you go through everything you just went through again. All these things would have never happened if we had never met, I’m not good for you Lu…
Luana What are you trying to say?!
Rasul I promised to never put you through any hardship, I promised you eternal happiness and…
Luana Ra…
Rasul And to make sure that never happens, I’ve to say goodbye to you. I’ve to leave you alone.
Luana Stop this! Now!
Rasul You have no idea how much this hurts, but to make sure I am never the source of your misery; I’ve to let you go.
Luana Don’t do this!
Rasul Lu…
Luana Please! Not now!
Rasul I can’t bare…
Luana What?! Why?! Tell me!
Rasul I’ve to make sure you never go through what you recently went through. I’ve hurt you so much, I never ever thought I’d ever hear you cry, but I have. I didn’t really think about it when it happened, but reminiscing about it, makes me hate myself. I’m not the right person for you Lu.
Luana Don’t tell me that! I’m old enough to decide what I want in my life.
Rasul Trust me this is also hard on me.
Luana Imbecile!
[Interrupted by Nabi]
Nabi Are you trying to tell me, after everything that she just went through, you told her that?
Rasul I returned to school the same day I was discharged from the hospital. The pain and scars I had on my skin from my injuries were nothing compared to the fresh wounds I had on the inside. The college health center had a car waiting for me at the bus station to take me back to my dorm; but I just wanted to walk no matter how cold it was outside. I needed to be alone. When I arrived at my room I had countless missed calls from Luana. I just couldn’t talk to her. I would never forgive myself for what I had done to her, to Jas, to Sarina. How could I have put everyone through this? If it wasn’t for me, none of this would have happened to anyone. I spent the rest of the week cut off from the world, condemning myself for what had happen. That was the darkest point in my life. I came to the conclusion that I had to let her go. There was no other way to keep her safe from harm. In my mind, I truly believed I was thinking of her, but now of course, I know I wasn’t. I was being selfish. I was only thinking of me and my pain. I couldn’t bear to be around her and all the memories that came with her.
Nabi You should have been patient. You should have talked to her about what you were going through.
[Two weeks later] Incoming call
Rasul Hello, how are you doing?
Sarina I just left the doctor’s office for my third checkup.
Rasul And what happened? You sound…
Sarina I’m scared.
Rasul Are you okay?
Sarina You’re the first and the only person that knows this. Please keep this between us.
Rasul You have nothing to worry about. What’s wrong?
Sarina The doctor just informed me that I’m pregnant…
Rasul Did Luana put you up to this?
Sarina What do you mean? I said I’m pregnant. I tried calling her but she didn’t answer.
Rasul Pregnant?! As in you will soon have a baby?
Sarina Yes, idiot! That is what happens when one is pregnant. If you talk to Luana, tell her to please call me as soon as possible. I phoned to inform her, but there was no answer.
Rasul We have not talked in a while.
Sarina Well, try calling her too, I need to talk to her. Please, I don’t know what to do.
Rasul Okay, I’ll call you later to check up on you.
Sarina Thank you.
[The following day] Incoming call
Luana Do you think this is a joke? You reject my call for two weeks and then you call me and expect me to answer?! I’m done with you, I never want to see you, hear from you, or associate myself to you. This is the end of…
Rasul Sarina is pregnant.
Luana I’m not in the mood for games. Goodbye!
Rasul Sarina is pregnant, she called me after calling you several times, but you didn’t answer.
Sarina I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to talk to anyone. People always disappoint me, thank you for the message. Please do me a favor, and never call me again.
[Later that night] Incoming call
Rasul Hi, Sari…
Sarina Why didn’t you tell me you told Luana to get out of your life?!
Rasul That is not what I said.
Sarina Why would you do that to her? She called you more than a hundred times, and sent you a dozen emails.
Rasul You…
Sarina Don’t ever call me again. I don’t need you in my life. Jas would have been disappointed in you. You broke her heart when she needed you the most.
[Interrupted by Nabi]
Nabi I’ve to say my brother, you’re heartless. You could have answered her phone calls or at least replied to the emails. You ignored her when she needed you the most.
Rasul I didn’t see the emails until Sarina told me.
Nabi And what did she have to say?
[May 9th, 2002] Incoming email
Luana “Hi, I’m here for you; I know you know that I’ll always be here. I know you’re going through a lot, so I forgive you for saying all those things you said. But, please let me be there for you, I don’t want you to go through this rough period alone. All you have to do is to call me, and I’ll forget about everything that happened. Again, you don’t have to go through this alone. I love you.”
[May 10th, 2002] Incoming email
Luana “Rasul, I miss you. Please stop acting as if you don’t care about me, stop pushing me away. All I want is to be there for you. I know it hurts losing someone you love, but you don’t have to go through this alone. I can’t begin to imagine how it feels to lose someone like Jas; he was a great person, he made sure everyone around him was content, and a person like that is difficult to come by. Grief is normal, but I don’t want you to go through this alone, please talk to me. I love you and I miss you.”
[May 13th, 2002] Incoming email
Luana “Rasul, I still have not heard from you, you have not returned my phone calls or email. Please call me back; I need to know you’re fine. I’m extremely worried. Let’s talk about this. I miss you. I love you, no matter what. I can never give up on you.”
[May 17th, 2002] Incoming email
Luana “Hi, I have a question. Is this about Jas? Don’t you love me anymore? Why are you doing this? Please let me know you’re okay, I miss you. I promised never to give up on us, and I’ll always keep that promise, remember that.”
[May 18th, 2002] Incoming email
Luana “Thank you for ignoring me. All I wanted was to be there for you, I know you miss him, but that does not mean you have to act like this. I know I said I would never give up on you, but I don’t think I have a choice…”
[May 19th, 2002] Incoming email
Luana “I think I’m ready to give up, you know where to find me if you ever need me.”
[May 20th, 2002] Incoming email
Luana “My school progress report came in, a few days ago. Today mama asked if I showed it to you, when I said no, she demanded I do so; so I attached a scanned photograph of it. Don’t be mad at me, I’ll try my best to improve my grades. I miss you.”
[May 21th, 2002] Incoming email
Luana “Bless your little heart. I’m done trying; you clearly don’t want me in your life. Don’t ever contact me, even if you are dying. Have a good day!”
Nabi I don’t know what to say, I’m speechless.
Rasul I hate myself for what I did. At that point in time, I thought it was the best thing to do; just to avoid hurting her to a point of no return; I had to push her away. I was grieving, and I blamed myself for the death of Jay, I couldn’t cause harm to anyone else, and since Allah ensured Sarina and Luana came out of the hospital fine, I kept my promise and devoted myself to him. Everything in my life was perfect, the only thing that kept me up at night was the way I treated her. I began to regret what I said to her as days went by. For almost two years we didn’t speak. I buried myself in my school work. I focused on perfecting my GPA. I rose to the top of my classes and conquered my most dreaded math classes. Spiritually I was dedicated to my promise to Allah and I found a renewed faith in the Almighty. Socially, I was careful not to get too close to anyone. I had friends I would go out with occasionally and I dated a little but nothing that I couldn’t walk away from in a moment’s notice. Sleep didn’t come easily so I spent most of that time studying and developing revolutionary computer devices to prevent the thoughts of Luana from creeping into my mind. Finally, it got to a point I couldn’t keep away any longer and I reached out to her. I had to make amends, so I sent her an apology letter. I had to make sure she knew after all this time; I regret everything I did to her. I didn’t realize at the time I was being selfish again. To my mind, I was apologizing to her for the way I acted, so she would understand I was sorry for what I had done and could forgive me. Meanwhile, I was apologizing so I would feel better. I was apologizing to ease my conscience.
[Almost two years later - March 19th, 2005] Incoming call
Rrod Ra, come down stair in three minutes, I’m almost at the entrance.
Rasul Okay.
[Moments later – Enters Ashong]
Ashong I finally saw Mila.
Rasul Who is that?!
Ashong The beautiful green-eyed African girl…
Rasul Rod said he is on his way here. And her name is Zamila.
Ashong I heard her friends calling her Mila. You need to call her and ask her out on a date.
[Interrupted by Rrod]
Rrod Ra, why didn’t you come down stairs to open the door?
Rasul Ashong distracted me, talking about a girl...
Ashong But she’s not just any girl.
Rrod Hold on! What girl? Who is she?
Rasul You are well known, I bet you he knows her.
Ashong Do you know that green-eyed African girl?
Rrod Do you the gorgeous girl who lives in Stewart hall?
Rasul Yah, that’s her…
[Interrupted by Ashong]
Ashong This kid has been going crazy about her for weeks and now he is scared to call her, after getting her phone number.
Rasul I’m not scared.
Rrod To be fair, he likes fair skinned girls; that is probably why he is not interested. Don’t lie, Ra. You know you like your women white.
Rasul And you like your women black. But, honestly I love all women; black, white, chocolate, yellow, it really does not matter.
Ashong But you prefer white women…
Rasul No, but I love them.
Rrod There’s a party next to the gas station, I told Reuben and Ryan about it, and they said they will go if you will go.
Ashong Ra, are you going?
Reuben Ya, I’m going to get ready.
Ryan I will go, if you will go.
Rasul I don’t mind.
[Four hours later]
Ashong There were a lot of beautiful girls there, why did you get antisocial?
Rasul I guess I wasn’t in the mood.
Ashong What is going on with Luana?
Rasul Luana?
Rrod Luana?
Ashong Tell him about Luana.
Rasul There’s nothing to tell, she is just an old friend, we used to be in a relationship.
Ashong He still loves her, that’s why he can’t love anyone else.
Rasul That is because she is one of the best women one will ever meet in a lifetime. And stop it! There’s nothing going on between us!
Rrod When was the last time you spoke to her?
Ashong Last night…
Rasul Yo! It was about three weeks ago. We were just catching up.
Rrod If you think she is worth it, let’s go to wherever she lives and get her back.
Rasul I think she has a new man in her life.
Reuben Did she tell you that?
Rasul No but I feel like it.
Ashong You need to call her…
Reuben And investigate.
Ryan Wait who is Luana?
Rasul [To Ashong] What are you doing?!
Ashong Here, this is Luana.
Rrod Okay, so she is gorgeous.
Ryan She is beautiful!
Rasul No, she is perfect.
Reuben How did you lose such a beauty?
Rasul I made a lot of mistakes, I didn’t know what I had; I thought I had a priceless diamond, not knowing what I had was a rare diamond.
Ashong Ra, listen to me; call her or find someone else, like Mila.
[Interrupted by Nabi]
Nabi Weren’t you the one who pushed her away?
Rasul Yah I did, and?
Nabi I think you should have left her alone.
Rasul I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Everything I did reminded me of her, I couldn’t love anyone; she walked away with my heart.
Nabi You are insane...
[Five days later] Outgoing text message
Rasul Yo!
Luana Ra!
Rasul How are you?
Luana I’m fine. How is school?
Rasul School is good, do you miss me?
Luana No I don’t, but I know you miss me.
Rasul No I don’t, I don’t miss ugly girls.
Luana When will you be coming home?
Rasul We have a vacation in two weeks, but I might not be going home.
Luana Why?
Rasul I’ve a lot of things to do, and being home will only mean I’ll be distracted. I need to tell you something.
Luana What is it?
Rasul I’m very sorry, for everything I did to you; it was immature, I deserted the most important person in my life. I regretted everything I did and said to you. Sorry for putting you through all that. I pushed you away; all I kept saying to myself was, you wouldn’t understand when communication was the only thing that could ease my pain and save our relationship. No amount of apology can ever describe how sorry I am, please forgive me.
Luana It was tough for me when you weren’t there, there were times I cried all night, there were weeks where I felt miserable, I had no choice but to stay away from you. It was the worst thing I’ve ever endured. It hurt so much, but the only way to reduce the pain was to stay away from you. I forgave you a long time ago, even though you hurt me very badly. Stop saying sorry.
Rasul I will always hate myself for what I did…
Luana I hate you for what you did too, but it’s in the past.
Rasul Thank you for everything. How is Sarina?
Luana It has been a while since we talked, but she is great and so is the baby; she went to Jamaica to visit Jas’ mom for a while.
Rasul I’m glad to hear that. How has life been treating you?
Luana Good, I’m no longer living with my parents, I have a job, and I have a wonderful man in my life. I’m very happy.
Rasul I’m happy for you, I mean it, and you deserve the best in life. And I hope the man in your life knows how lucky he is and how unique you are.
Luana I hope so too, but I know he does. He really cares about me.
Rasul That is good. I wish you the best.
Luana So how has life been treating you?
Rasul I can’t complain; I’m on a verge of creating a new technological company with a very good friend of mine, his name is Nabi. We have been working on a few revolutionary softwares, including a remodeled version of the video software we used to chat with. I’ve also been writing poems.
Luana That is interesting. Read one of your poems to me.
Rasul Why do I feel so alone? In a world, I call home. They claim we are all the same, so I try to stay calm. Why do I feel so alone? In a world, I call home, my aim is to stay sane, but the pain pertains. Why do I feel so alone? In a world I call home, I feel like a psych ward in a four wall room being held against his will. Why do I feel so alone? They claim we are all the same, we might all have names and veins, but I swear we are not the same.
Luana Wow, that is very good, do you have more?
Rasul Yah I have a few. How is school?
Luana I don’t want to talk about school.
Rasul But I want to talk about it.
Luana School is good, I’m coping.
Rasul I hope you’re doing well in all your classes.
Luana I hate most of my classes.
Rasul That is normal, but you need to change that mindset if you want to succeed in those classes. Even if you feel like quitting, don’t quit, all you have to do is cope and work hard for a short time; as time flies you will be one step closer to success.
Luana Thank you, I miss this.
Rasul If you need help, I’ll always be here. Can I ask you something?
Luana Yes.
Rasul I want you to promise me something…
Luana What?
Rasul That you will keep me posted on your progress in school.