I need a drink. It’s almost 2am and I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about Jase. Something about him makes me come unhinged. Sure he’s attractive. But I think it’s more than that. He brings up emotions in me that I have kept hidden. He makes me feel I’m on the precipice of being shunned, of being rejected. I know logically life is not high school anymore and I shouldn’t pool him in the same boat as Steve. But if he saw me back then, would he still want to get to know me? Or would he just be another one of those guys who rejects me?
I can’t help but think to the people from high school. What is Stacey up to these days? What are all those kids who treated me like shit, who slapped and kicked me and abused me until I felt like a piece of shit- where are they today? Would they even feel bad for how they treated me? Do they even remember what they did to me? Are they living perfectly happy lives knowing their actions have caused me to live my life in fear? Fear of other people? A fear of thinking people are judging me? Fear of being beaten or slapped or told I’m ugly?
What is Steve doing? Is he happily married now? It has been two years since I last saw him. And yes, he called and texted, but after a couple of months he gave up. It took him a couple of months to stop trying. That’s how quickly he forgot about me. That’s how much I meant to him.
As soon as the thoughts come, tears well up in my eyes and the dam bursts. I cry and cry until I have nothing left in me.
I should just accept what people say about me now. I should believe when they tell me how utterly stunning I am. I should believe that I deserve love. That I deserve not to be alone. And that I deserve to be respected and cared for. But I don’t. I don’t even know how. And that is exactly why I run. I run from others. I run from guys. I run from Jase. Because if they knew the girl I used to be, or if they knew the fucked up thoughts I have now, they would run too. Run from me. Just like I’m running from me.