I wish I wake up in that amnesia state where I don’t really remember where I am or how I got here but I am completely sane when I open my eyes. I know exactly where I am—I remember Taylor coming from the trees, soaked and wet from the rain. I recall clinging to him and begging him not to take me to a hospital or to my house and crying while doing it. I recall the look on his face at my odd request and I was very surprised when he complied with it. I don’t remember anything else after that.
Except when I think he was tucking me into bed and I whispered that he had the most beautiful voice I have ever heard.
I cringe—I actually said that? Oh hell it’s not as if I was drunk for crying out loud. Well I was a little—if not a lot delirious—I think defensively
I sit up in the bed—okay so before I get out of this bed I verify just what kind of situation I am in. I need to interview my own senses.
First and for most—why did I call Taylor? My mind gives an automatic response—wild is sitting on a lounge chair wearing a facial mask and has rollers in her hair—that’s the only number you could remember.
Well the police, ambulance and other emergency numbers are three digits—but I forgot them all and remembered eight?
Okay—two—what should I do when I get out of bed? Should I just thank him or apologize? Why should I apologize? Because I feel guilty. The man has been keeping his distance from me and even tried to have a reasonable conversation with me about it and now here I am in his house—in his bed—I put my head in my hands and groan—this is so embarrassing—take me now!
Or I can just play the sympathy card. I was scared and wet and hurt and you were the closest person around whom I could trust. You are a good person who truly cares about people. I scoff and chuckle—no—Taylor is not in that category. The guy chased after me and then pushed me away, serves him right that I load all my problems on to him
Or maybe I can just be honest—I could have called the police or the ambulance but the thing is I wouldn’t have described exactly where I was and the entire city if not country would have known that they are looking for me and my status of invisibility would have been doomed.
Speaking of which—how did Taylor find me? I try to think of the how and I find no breakthrough so I choose the sympathy card among all my options.
Yes, yes sympathy card it is.’
I slide off the bed, taking the room quickly. White bedding. A yellow couch, nice carpet print. It’s so opulent and sterile here. A floral scent of something like clean laundry and spicy scent is everywhere. I recognize that natural soothing scent. It’s all Taylor.
The rug is soft under my feet as I approach the door. There is no getting out of this—but at least I am alive. I will worry about the rest later—right now I need to clear immediate problem number one.
I open the door and peer into a dark passage. I gulp before proceeding down the passage. I pass other rooms and an alcove which leads to another door.
The smell of food takes my mind away from studying the house. I’m not sure what it is—but anyone can recognize the smell of food. Oil, spice, onions—coffee?
He is obviously in the kitchen. I come into the lounge. The only room I am familiar with here. I stop in the middle of the room—what shall I say first?
Wild mind raises her eyebrows at me—of course.
Good morning Taylor—I’m sorry I bothered you like this and thank you for doing this for me—I owe you—
Yeah let’s start from there. I inhale—the scientific scheme for calming nerves. Is it really scientific or medical?
Don’t be a coward—I tell myself. All I need to do is to walk in there, be diplomatic, thankful and straightforward. It’s done, then I can go on to solve other bigger problems—because I do have them.
I breathe out and enter the kitchen with a confidence I do not feel. I have to be nonchalant or I will die from embarrassment when those thugs couldn’t kill me. Or before father himself kills me—because he will if I do not convince him that I was really attacked by two college kids and refused to go to the police about it,
Whether I survive this or not I am still screwed.
I raise my eyes and there he is. He is washing something by the sink, his back at me. My mouth drops open, eyes widening—not because he’s wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt making nightwear seem so interesting—but because he is humming to himself absently.
He has such a beautiful voice—angelic and soothing. These are the voices that are there to make music alive real and desirable.
He turns off the tap and turns—I am so lost in my reverie that I startle when dark brown eyes land on me. My breath gets caught in my throat, but instead of saying good morning I say;
‘You have such a beautiful voice.’ Wild looks at me funny, ‘I mean—good morning.’ I stammer and getting ready to plunge into my plan, ‘I-’
He walks to me, two long strides and his palms are pressed at either side of my face. My brain erase all information I was about to say and the words which were bubbling on my lips only seconds ago.
‘How do you feel?’ he manage to look so concerned for a moment I almost believe that I am dear close to his heart. ‘Do you hurt anywhere?’
I manage to shake my head. His eyes linger on my face a little longer then I think he looks relieved and he removes his hands from my face and rest gently on my shoulders. This was not part of my plan.
‘Are you okay?’ he asks again. Why should I not be okay?—I have a flashback of Collins and Lunatic in the woods—oh yes, I should not be okay—I should be traumatized right? But I don’t feel traumatized- just- nothing. I scowl at this.
‘Heather!’ he prods
‘I’m fine.’ My voice is calm—maybe I can no longer be traumatized, -- I am that screwed up.
He nods thoughtfully—letting it go for now. ‘Come sit and eat.’ He moves to the counter.
It takes me sixty seconds to collect myself and I shake my head, ‘I can’t.’ My reasoning is coming back to me, ‘I need to call home.’
‘Already done!”
I feel blood drain from my face. I can just imagine father answering my call and hearing a male voice behind it.
‘You what?’
‘Your phone died—I don’t have any of your family’s contacts so I called Judith—and she said she will take care of everything you just recover.’ Taylor scowls at me questionably as he speaks.
Judith knows that my family become a pack of wolves if I ever do something like this—wild rolls her eyes—something like almost being murdered in the woods and being rescued by your tutor?
I nod at his unspoken question, ‘my father will be furious more than worried.’ Is my simple explanation.
‘okay—so now eat something—your mostly angry but not worried father thinks you are at Judith’s house—the rain was furious yesterday.’
I feel a lump in my throat. I won’t be able to say anything at this point so I just sit quietly at the breakfast bar as he does the whole breakfast thing.
In the silence and the sound of kitchen utensils it happens. Screams, cries of agony—the rippling sound of a river- lifeless eyes staring back at me—my own scream.
Maybe I was a little bit asleep earlier because at this moment I feel the heavy feeling come upon me. The agonizing giant wrapping around me and forcing tears to well in my eyes
The first initial thing I feel is shock, as I replay the scenes, the second feeling is fear—the kind of fear which is mixed with relief of a rescue that arrived just in time. Maybe they were a part of those people and came back to finally kill me.
And after all that, I feel angry. The kind of anger that makes my body to shiver as it lands its spaceship in my territory.
But that is not enough. I am back at that river again and I hear my own scream.
‘Heather!’ a distant voice. Pretty freaked out person calling my name. Beyond that voice someone is sobbing loudly with difficulty in breathing. I am being shaken and that’s when I am pulled out of my trance and my eyes meet Taylor’s. He is holding my face with both his hands—he looks so frightened—and then I realize that the one sobbing and breathing hard is me. Hot tears spill out of my eyes
Taylor pulls me into his arms. A fresh spasm of that heavy feeling washes over me—I am crying like I cried two years ago—only then I had my arms wrapped around a pillow inside a cell and my tears were that of a villain not a victim.
I grip fistfuls of his shirt and rest my forehead on his chest. He’s rocking me back at forth and his hand is hand is rubbing into my hair.
I feel the world spinning and I shut my eyes and exhaustion and darkness envelops me.
When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is Taylor’s anxious gaze.
‘I’m fine,’ I clear my clogged throat
‘You are not fine Heather. ‘He says slowly as if he just had an emotional rollercoaster of his own. Of course anyone would go into shock if they ever experience my flashback fits. I really didn’t think it would happen in front of him—it hadn’t happened in a while, what I experienced yesterday probably triggered it.
‘Initially I am not,’ I say with a sigh, ‘probably never will be—but I am fine now.’
In other words, whatever is wrong with me has eluded all named solutions and they all gave up therapists and counseling and settled into making me a church goer until maybe God decides to turn his eyes on to me. But He probably won’t—my friends died because of me—I could never forgive myself, why would He forgive me?
‘That doesn’t make any sense.’
I snort, he looks at me strangely—he doesn’t know why that is funny.
‘Sense is not something that exists in my lifetime.’
‘I can agree.’ His voice is thick—oh boy I probably freaked the guy out he looks like he is having trouble collecting himself right now, ‘I’m sorry to have to load this on you—but your number was the only one I can remember.’
He looks shocked or even close to angry, ‘how can you worry about that?’ he snaps, ‘what happened to you?’
The million dollar question. I only stare at him but I don’t see him because I am still trying to figure out why Collins and his friend attacked me.
‘Why did you refuse to call the police or go to the hospital?’
‘That would have complicated everything.’ My voice suddenly rise
‘Are you in some kind of trouble?’ he narrows his eyes—like he just can’t believe that I could be at the wrong side of the law. Do I look that innocent?
I sit up on the bed and I hug my knees, ‘I really don’t want to discuss this.’
‘Heather!”
You dragged him into al this so you owe him an explanation—wild raises her eyebrows at me—and he also had to deal with your flash backs—the man could have ran away or experienced a heart attack because of you.
‘I really don’t know what happened—I’m not sure if they wanted to kill me or rob me but they ran away before I could actually figure it out.’
‘I don’t understand.’ Taylor says with a shake of his head.
I look at him, ‘I was attacked but I don’t know the reason.’
He still look confused, ‘did you see the people?’
‘Yes it was Collins and the other guy is a new face.’
‘Collins!’ Taylor grinds his teeth as he sits up and is very close to me. Why should that bother me in a moment like this? ‘What did he do?’
‘nothing really, they dragged me into the woods and they were saying things I don’t understand—I think they were on drugs or something—he kept calling me his slave.’ My voice quietens at the last word
Slave! I have heard that word before in similar situations. The revelation makes me shudder.
‘I have to go home.’ I say quietly and Taylor grips my arms and turns my body to face him
‘You are not going anywhere in this condition!’
‘Condition?’
‘You need to report this—there have been suspects involved in drug trafficking and Collins is one of them.’
‘no.’ I say sharply, ‘I am not dealing with the police.’
‘Why?’
‘They never solve anything—they will have the whole thing backwards.’ I am shouting, ‘I can go through that again—I just want to go home and forget this ever happened,’
Why is he looking at me like that?
‘What do you mean you can’t go through this again?’ Taylor hold my gaze
I want to groan—crap that slipped out.
‘That—‘I only say and my voice grows quiet.
‘Heather!’
I start to panic. I left the country because I knew that the record I had will forever follow me around. I came here to try to start afresh—I can’t talk about that.
‘Please tell me.’
‘No!’
‘Why don’t you want to report what happened?’
Tears fall from my eyes. I don’t even know him why should I tell him something like that? Because he will force me to go to the authorities in the end and they will see my record and it will fall on me again. Father will kill me and bury me six feet.
I was more afraid that he will also not believe what I tell him—but either way I am screwed. I look at him through my tears. He is not backing down until I tell him something. I should have just called an ambulance and feigned a slip and fall accident. Now what have I gotten myself into
‘Fine.’
‘Heather—I just want to understand—I don’t want to harm you.’
But he will hurt me at the end of it all. There is no two ways about it. I could try to run but that bulldog of his will eat me if I leave suddenly and then I will just be acting like a real fugitive.
‘Two years ago.’ My mind fully goes to that long dreaded memory, ‘I was in my last year of college.’ Pause, deep inhale of breath, ‘we were to graduate in one month time so we decided to take a little camping vacation. Rumbi, Violet, Casper, Stephan and I
I remember that tour like it was yesterday. Winter had just ended and spring had set it with all the flowering and green trees. I am in the front seat, in charge on the radio and music. I happen to be a western culture fanatic as Rumbi my best friend would put it. So I decide that the best song for such a lovely drive under the warm weather is ‘crazy faith’ by John Waller. Stephan happens to like the song as well and sings along with me.
‘Are we there yet?’ Casper shouts above the music from the back seat. I shift in my seat to look at him, Rumbi and Violet are grinning at whatever they are looking at on their phones
‘Still too far—you can as well sleep.’ I yell above the music
‘You are not the driver!’ Casper says, ‘you don’t even know where we are going.’
I purse my lips and turn away from him
‘Stephan where are we going?’
‘I’m not telling you it’s a surprise.’ He says his eyes on the road.
I pout. ‘I hate surprises—you of all people know that—how could you do this to me?’ I fold my arms.
His lips pull into a half smile, ‘because I love you and seeing you all worked up is kind of sexy.’
I scoff, ‘I should be enraged.’
He glances at me briefly, ‘Heather put your seat belt on.’ He looks annoyed for a moment. Stephan is the ultimate nerd and is always careful about everything. I shift to the edge of my seat and lean forward to kiss his cheek. He casts a disapproving glance at me but then smiles
‘Please put on your seat belt.’
I smile back at him and then start putting my seat belt in place.
Three hours later we arrived at the camping site. I jumped and screamed when I saw it. This has been a place I had wanted to visit for a long time. I even had pictures of this place in my dorm room and in my book.
The hill has so much historical significance and I happened to be head over hills with hiking.
‘Yes. We love you too!” Casper rolls his eyes when my screaming subsides.
‘Do you have a death wish?’ Stephan sneers at him. Casper laughs.
I wrap my arms around his waist a look up at him, ‘thank you.’
‘Still don’t like surprises?’
‘I still hate surprises—I like to plan ahead—and make sure I don’t have to end up in the best hiking spot in the country without my hiking shoes!’
‘Don’t worry about all that—just get ready to enjoy the stay.’
‘Hey anyone has any idea how to set this up?’ Violet yells.
We all turn to look at her. She holding the tents and stuff.
‘Why did you bring all this? It’s warm and spring we sleep under the stars.’ Rumbi gestured into space, ‘pack that away.’
‘I am not sleeping out here with all the snakes and creatures roaming about this place.
I laugh. It took a great deal of time to convince Violet to come for the trip. She was a writer with a grueling imagination.
‘I will help.’ I walk to her, ‘there should be a manual.’
We start working on setting up the tents. Stephan and Casper start building the fire. Rumbi is going through the food boxes and cooler boxes.
‘Who brought ice-cream to a camping trip?’ She wears a scandalized face
‘Don’t touch that.’ Casper looks up from where he is setting up the wood with Stephan
‘Ah seriously!’ Rumbi is seriously aggravated
‘I think it’s cute,’ violet who has a long crush on Casper bites her lip trying not to laugh
‘I think he could have added more drinks in the space where he put the large can of ice-cream.
Violet shakes her head, ‘ice-cream in a treat.’
‘Why would I even try to dispute with you—you approve of anything Casper does?’
‘Because I am also reasonable.’
I smile, ‘did you really write a character like him in your last book?’
Violet shrugs, ‘the last character I wrote is a powerful king with a weakness of loneliness.’
I burst out laughing, ‘Violet—that’s crazy.’
‘What? I don’t think I’m wrong when I feel like he is lonely without me.’
We laugh together as we go over the details of her last book. Violet is a talented story teller and I started reading novels when I ready hers first.
Later in the evening we are sitting around the large fire and after funny loud conversations and everyone is ready to sleep and rest
Casper says, ‘guys—do any of you have plans after graduation?”
I groan, ‘no talks about life during a vacation.’ I whine sleepily
‘I‘m going to be a writer,’ violet states empathetically, ‘or a journalist.’
‘Why did you even go to business school?’ Rumbi raises an eye brow—she is the one who always reasons with everything.
‘My mother refused to send me to a writing school she said that it has not future.’
‘I’m leaving the country,’ Casper says, ‘maybe I will figure out what to do when I get there.’
‘Where are you going?’ violet asks.
‘I don’t know yet.’
‘Ah seriously.’ Rumbi mumbles and I laugh.
‘What about you Stephan?’ Casper asks
Stephan shrugs and takes my hand, ‘I will marry her,’ was always his answer
And everyone grumbles, ah seriously what s is wrong with you like always.
I laugh.
‘Seriously you guys.’ Rumbi says with a tired sigh, ‘you are so sickening sometimes—are all couples like you?’
‘All couples should be!’ violet says
We chat on and on until the early hours of the morning. We all sleep until midday where we finally emerge from our tents and get ready for the hike.
I am so excited I can barely stop jumping up and down. The feeling of being at the mountain top was liberating. I remember spreading my arms wide and unashamed under the bay blue sky and blazing sun.it was also exhilarating after the stressful months of exams and trying to figure out what to do with my life.
But I had the faith that God would show me the way to go soon and I was not worried.
‘There is something I have to tell you.’ Stephan said to me that night as we sat by the fire before retreating to bed. I had a feeling that it was something very heavy, judging by the expression on his face but I was not worried about anything that would turn out to be horrendous.
‘Okay.’
‘I really care about you Heather!’ he said sincerely and I believed him every second.
It was that night that the horror took place. Luckily I had slipped out of the tent to relieve my pressing bladder and when I was returning I was stopped by the blood curdling screams that tore through the thick forest. I remember hiding behind a thick shrub with a hand over my mouth. I could hear whatever they were saying and they were calling my name. I could not move until they left. When I managed to make my legs work I ran blindly through the woods until I stumbled by the river.
What I saw floating on the water will forever hunt my memory. Stephan floated looking peaceful but I knew that he was gone. I sank to my knees and my scream tore through the trees.
I surprisingly don’t feel heavy at the end of the story. I had only ever remembered the last horrifying part—I had forgotten the feel of the sun and the hike that day and the laughter of my friends had been replaced by their agonizing screams. The whole vacation had been erased after all the police interrogations and Alex’s evil smile.
Taylor’s palm cups my face and he brushed his thump on my cheek as he wipe the tears there.
‘What happened at the police station after they put you in a cell?’
I shake my head, ‘Alex came forward.’ My voice broke, ‘I was so shocked to see the same man who has killed my friends right before my eyes all clean and seeming respectable. I couldn’t scream or yell—I was drained and in shock. I thought that this is it—he has come to finish me off. When he stepped into the cell I just stared at him, waiting for the end to come. He looked at me for a long moment and the words he said—will forever hunt me.’
He took off his jacket and wore it on my shoulders before he stepped away from me and sat on the filthy cell bed. He crossed his leg on top of the other and smiled.
‘I am going to take you home.’
I kept my gaze down and said nothing
‘Let’s make this simple—you sign an NDA and go along with my story and you can get out of here. You can go on with your life.’
I look up at him and gave him a blank stare, ‘just kill me.’ I whisper
‘no—I have no grudge with you—but your friends had grudges with me—you juts associated with the wrong people—you are innocent and I don’t spill innocent blood—I am an avenger and you are not in the hit list—even though I should just kill you for witnessing it I decided to silence you, I don’t want to kill you--- yet.’
‘You are crazy,’ I whisper, ‘you are crazy.’
He clucks his tongue, ‘look at you—you look like you are mad; maybe the mad house could be conducive for you.’
I didn’t care. The pain I felt in my heart was beyond any filthy place I could ever land in
‘Are you going to sign it?’
‘G go to hell.’ I yell, surprising both of us, ‘just go to hell and leave me alone.’
‘Ah hell.’ He grins, ‘that’s where your friends are you know?’
I yank his jacket off and throw it at him, ‘if you don’t kill me—I will kill you,’
He threw his head back and laughed, ‘oh I love the feisty ones—listen honey I am being nice to you and I rarely ever do nice—did you really even knew your little boyfriend? Or your friends for that matter?—let me summarise it for you, Stephan worked for me-- Violet was an investigative reporter under cover after Stephan. Casper and Rumbi were with violet.’
‘You are lying.’
‘There are events you are not aware of around you little girl—and what a nice girl you are—and you had to associate with a criminal like Stephan.’
I felt disgusted that a part of me kind of believed him. Why?
‘And you don’t need to know all that—just sign the agreement and you can live your life peacefully.’
‘I don’t think so—why don’t you want to kill me?’
He smiles. ‘You are smart as well I see—well it’s expected, you are your father’s daughter after all.’
I start, ‘how do you know my father?’
He grins, ‘oh I can’t tell you that—but I can say that not killing you was also partly because of him—we don’t poke bees that we can’t handle and you are it.’
I manage to get shocked even in the middle of my current shock. I lived with my relatives and moved to college. I have never really seen my father for many years expect speak to him on social media. He did take care of my tuition and monetary needs but I have never really seen him that much. I didn’t know anything about him
‘And if you refuse to sign—he will—the consent will still be valid to me and my organization.’
I don’t say anything as he get up and leaves the cell. The cell door shuts and he turns to flash and evil grin at me before she gracefully strides out of sight.
‘So you signed it?’
‘No,’ I say with tears afresh in my eyes, ‘father signed it’
He is visibly shocked
‘And he came and took me here with him. I wasn’t not myself for six months—we tried therapists, doctors, couselling—I just couldn’t recover. Until a year ago when I found Pastor Luke’s church. It does make me feel better an di could start living again but I am still not alright I will never be,’
‘You can—you fought through the first phase.’
I shake my head, ‘no—did not you see the way I reacted after yesterday? I hadn’t had flash backs that violent for the past six months. I think I was actually beginning to feel things that I had never felt for six months.’
I scowl at him in thought, it’s amazing right now to realize that I had changed a bit after I ran into Taylor. I worried about things that I normally didn’t. I thought of other things other than the horrors of my life.
He takes both my hands in his and looks me in the eye, ‘listen to me—what happened to your friends was terrible and you couldn’t have done anything to stop it.’
‘But I still didn’t justify their deaths by signing that document—I didn’t even want to find out the truth behind what I heard about them.’
‘Your father signed it and some things are better not to find out.’
I shake my head, ‘how can you believe everything I have said—what if I lied,’
‘You didn’t lie.’
‘How can you tell?’
‘I can tell—I know what you are going through.’ He manage to look so sincere I almost believe him.
‘No you don’t!’
‘I do.’ He whispers. ‘And I know why you felt better when you joined the church.’
I search his eyes, he means it.
I tag my hands from his and get off the bed. I am standing in the middle of the room glaring at him
‘are you trying to tell me that I found healing in the church?’ my voice in normal, I am so shocked—but I shouldn’t be really—I’ve just shared the most painful experience of my life and he thinks I was healed by God? – I’ve heard all that before and I’ve been trying to accept it but I just can’t. My pain is still there—I still mourn—I still have no hope—all His promises eludes me.
‘yet if I speak, my pain is not relieved; and if I refrain, it does not go away,’ I quote the only verse that ever made sense and felt like had some sense of truth in it for the past two years.
‘The lord works in mysterious ways!’
I laugh for the first time in hours, ‘I’ve heard that too.’
He shakes his head, ‘I believe we met for a reason.—there must be a reason why we feel the way we do about each other.’
My mouth open and close. What is he talking about now? I immediately remember the words he said to me that day in the car. Those words hunted me for weeks and nearly made me cry because I was trying to get over my obsession with him.
‘I don’t feel anything for you.’ I say slowly shaking my head
‘I can argue that point.’
‘You said that you are not good for me—and I will never feel anything for anyone again.’
Wild appears and laughs loudly at my blatant lie. I had sworn I will never feel anything for anyone until I met Taylor.
‘I only said that because I knew I was not going to just fool around with you and leave—my feelings for you are too overwhelming—I could never deliberately hurt you and toss you away.’
Of course I had concluded this about Taylor. The man easily fell into the category anyone with eyes will figure that out. He was a heart breaker—why does it shock me to hear him say it out loud then?
‘So you do that to women!’ my voice is quiet, ‘it doesn’t matter—and for the record I am not the nice innocent girl that you see—I am a horror story.’
‘Same here!’
I shake my head, ‘womanizing is not half bad than what I am.’
He laughs, surprising me, ‘looks like I am not the only one who was