We all sit in the living room a week later after dinner for a family meeting which is more like listening to what father has to say and change while he’s at it. I know he must be in a bad mood toady and thankfully it’s not because he found out that I spend the entire weekend last week in a man’s house and not Judith’s and I will make sure none of them ever do. But he had a huge fall out with uncle—something to do with accounts not adding up in the company and now he has to take it out on us. And to add icing to the cake—Charles shows up with his I have come to see Heather speech.
My mind is absent. I am re-watching a block buster I watched late last night because Taylor decided to call me at eleven pm in the evening and the call was short but I couldn’t sleep after wards. Seriously why did this man suddenly invade my entire life?
It’s not as if I have less to worry about. Considering that I didn’t report to the police and Collins never came to school and I feel like he might just pop out someday and kill me.
So yes—in this living room and this make believe family meeting I am very irritable and impatient at the moment and I hope no one notices because how will I explain this to anybody?
And also the fact that I keep missing Taylor and that kiss—that voice
Taylor has invaded my whole world and overtaken my whole territory. Is that the definition of love? Is love supposed to be that passionate? That—I don’t know—obsessive?
I glance at Charles beside me, why don’t I ever feel this way towards him. He is beautiful too. He is also good looking.
He suddenly turns to meet my- I’m not sure about the expression on my face- gaze and smiles warmly at me. When he moves his eyes from me he clears his throat- to make an announcement.
I almost groan—god what now? What alien has evaded the living room now?
The room falls silent and all gazes are on him—us to be more precise. I straighten my spine, and my expression is ostensibly frank as he begins to say the words that are bound to bring to me revelations of self- destruction
‘I spoke with my parents and they are very anxious to meet my future wife.’
I cringe inwardly at the idea of ‘future wife’
‘My parents thought it would be expedient for all of us if we have our traditional wedding as soon as we get there.’
We all gasp—everyone in glee—me in shock. I suddenly feel repulsed.
‘You didn’t tell me this—how long have you known about this?’ my tone is accusing—Father gives me a stern look. But my mind, heart and emotions are all over the place—I forgot how I should address my ‘future husband’
‘He made the decision and he’s telling you now,’ fathers says calmly with a dangerous undertone in his voice
I clamp my mouth shut and my eyes fall to my hands
I am going to meet Charles’ family this weekend. In order words I am getting married this weekend. I only have nine days left—crap!
‘Don’t be scared.’ Mother pulls me aside for a little couselling after the whole thing and has confused my apprehension with fear, ‘you will do just fine.’
I smile weakly and nod.
‘I don’t know anything about Charles’ family.’
Well except for what he told me but I figure I better fish for information right now so that maybe I can figure out how the duck do I get myself out of this.
Mother beams and I brace myself.
‘They have various business in various areas,’
Okay that explains much—who taught mother how to be evasive?
‘Such as?’ I prompt
‘Loan sharks, banking, finance and all that.’
Loan sharks, banking, finance mean the same damn thing—excuse me but loan sharks. Creepy. Wild narrows her eyes suspiciously.
‘We will be a good family with Charles’s you will see.’
There is more to that and she doesn’t elaborate—she doesn’t need to. I know that from the very first day father walked in the prison cell and got me out—that I would never make my own decisions and I would never question his
I considered myself dead with my friends and I didn’t care where the wind was blowing.
But now I did. A lot has changed—okay a lot had already changed but there is something different about me. My obsession with Taylor is taking the best of me and I don’t know how to stop it.
And marriage? My initial idea of this relationship is slavery. A prison, a sentence. I should be kicking and screaming. I can’t turn into that. There was only once that I had considered it and I had been very young.
But right this moment I am not going to spend the rest of my life saying yes sir to Charles just because he is male and I am female.
That’s sexual harassment—punishable by law
‘What are you thinking about?’ Judith peers at me after the Church service and we are on our way to the bus stop—she noticed that I am deep in thought and my eyes are narrowed ahead like slits
‘You’ve been like this ever since—‘she doesn’t finish the sentence. I had to tell Judith something so I mentioned bullying and Taylor’s rescue and nothing else to make me tell someone else about my gory life story. Of course Judith almost made a scene that why would I call another man to rescue me when I have a fiance. I didn’t explain that either because I didn’t want to have to explain to her that other gory part. I am protecting her mental health—she should be grateful
‘I’m getting married this Saturday,’ I remind her
‘Getting cold feet?’
‘I don’t want to.’
Judith is visibly shocked—well I haven’t exactly been revealing things to her so this is the first time I tell her about this side of my feelings for Charles.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m not sure that I love him!’ I state incredulously. Wild scoffs sardonically, it’s not as if I know what love is all about. I used to be that incurable romantic and the epitome of that fantasy was taken away and I was cure from romance. Until now. And to add it all up I have the most blasphemous view of what marriage is all about.
‘Love?’
I raise an eyebrow at Judith. I guess I’m not the only one who doesn’t get the whole touch feely subject. A certain sermon comes back to me—and considering that I am a church goer I do not recall teachings very often. I figure that maybe at some point in my life when I am about to die and I worry about where my soul is going it will all come back to me like a flood.
‘Remember Pastor Luke once talked about affection and marriage?’
‘Yes?’ Judith drags the word wondering where I am going with this.
I bite my lip as I go on, ‘affection is synonym to passion.’
Judith blinks a few times, ‘Heather!’ uh-oh I know that tone, ‘is there something you want to talk about
I give her an innocent look while within me wild is running yelling—abort mission; abort mission, ‘like what?’
She folds her arms, ‘you have someone you really like!’
I scoff, ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
Guilty! Wild grins slyly at me
She takes a deep breath, ‘remember that cheeky movie-uh- what was it called again?’ she purses her lips thinking. Seriously? We are coming from Church and as a fellow youth in Christ and prayer partner she is going to give me a reference from a movie?
Forget what I think of my self—the whole world as it turns out at this very moment is thoroughly screwed up.
‘Princess Diaries!’
My innocent face crumbles—I groan—of all the movies, she had to remind me of that? Not—it’s a fantastic movie but it does have an arranged marriage and a prince charming.
‘So in that case?’
‘Why do you think that there is another guy?’ I make a scandalized face.
‘Because you sound like you’re in a love triangle,’
I sigh, ‘you know what Judith? Maybe it’s just cold feet.’
‘Deny all you want Heather—but as a friend who knows that you are denying the real truth—I can only tell you that never do anything with uncertainty. Remember the book of Romans nine verse one—I tell you the truth, I am not lying, my conscience bears witness with me—be sure that this is what you really want.’
I just sigh—what exactly did I want?
It’s Monday, five days to Saturday and officially one week since Collins attacked me and disappeared. I don’t know what Taylor is up to and I really try not to dwell on it too much. I wonder if we can be together if I call things off with Charles. Why should it matter? Since when did I start to crave a normal life as if I am a normal human being?
Besides I have more important things to look out for. If that Rastafarian shows his face anywhere my eyes will land on him he is as good as dead. Because of him I began to experience the fears and nightmares I had managed to put a lid under two years ago.
After the Business Ethics lesson, I stay behind when Taylor asks a couple of students to stay behind—including me. I sit calmly in my chair as he addresses all other students one by one until I am the only one left in class.
He walks to my desk and sits on it. In my peripheral vision I can see a couple of students peering in through the windows.
‘How are you doing?’ I know the question has another meaning behind it
‘Holding my breath.’ I reply briskly
‘For your wedding?’
I narrow my eyes at him, ‘must we talk about that?’
‘I think we must!’
I hold his gaze, ‘don’t get involved in my affairs.’
‘Why are you pushing me away from your affairs?’
‘What are you going to do about it? I am getting married and I may never see you again afterwards and the other thing—I don’t know what is this between us but my life history does not allow me to pursue or even hope for any happiness.’
My words are accompanied by a twinge of pain in my chest. It will always be here—I will forever live with it. No one lives past the horror I have experienced. I don’t know how what I feel for Taylor managed to pierce through that darkness and settle in a small island of my heart. But I will not explore it.
He remains silent for a long moment watching me while fingering the papers in his hands and from the outside it will seem like he is grilling me over a test question.
‘I am glad that you at least think that you have the possibility to be happy with me.’ He says before he drops the papers in front of me on my desk and walks to take his bag from the teacher’s desk in the front of the class.
I watch him as he easily strides out of the room without another glance at me and the faces at the windows quickly retreat as the door closes behind him.
I don’t want to think about his words so I take out my headsets and turn on one of my favorite songs.