I blinked and stared up at the ceiling in our dark bedroom. I looked to my side were Peter normally lay, only lately he hadn’t been there in the mornings. He’d had a really hard time sleeping since Erin’s disappearance and preferred to stand by the window overlooking the meadows, ranking his brain and thinking of anything he could have missed. But we had already gone over everything a million times.
We had even felt suspicious of our neighbours, giving them dirty looks sometimes like they might have something to do with it. Peter was worse though. I knew in my heart that they were innocent in all of this. The police had gone into all the apartments for interviews and they’d had a look around just to make sure. The case was still open but they had stopped the search by foot and instead were searching for clues via other sources. They had said that there was no point in going over the same places over and over again and that it might distract from other evidence elsewhere, like people or organisations on the internet that dealt with kidnapping and trafficking. I couldn’t cope with the idea of her being kidnapped and used for God knows what, so I had focused more on the dreams and hoping through some miracle that it meant that she was safe somehow.
I stroked the cold sheets where Peter normally lay and felt alone. It wasn’t just Erin who had disappeared, my husband had disappeared as well. Not physically but mentally. The same humorous loving man had turned into a silent and bitter one. See that is what people forget. When someone close to you disappears or dies, everyone else who loved that person seems to die a little bit as well. I felt like I didn’t really have my Peter with me anymore and he probably felt the same way about me.
I got up and walked to the bathroom dragging my feet behind me and looked in the mirror. My face was thinner, I looked older somehow. Old and warn out. I hadn’t been able to eat much lately. My mum basically had to force-feed me and she kept calling to check if I had eaten through the day. I simply had no appetite anymore and I had lost weight. Peter was the same although he ate to keep up his strength. He wasn’t giving up and I think he never would, he would fight this to the end like a soldier, focused on getting her home, no matter what the cost. In a way I felt bad because at least I had the dreams with Erin where I could spend quality time with her in her magical dreamscape. Peter didn’t have those. I think that was probably why it was difficult for him to lie next to me in bed. He knew I was having comforting dreams with our daughter when he got no signs at all.
I had taken leave off work and so had Peter. Christine had been helpful and recruited a temporary staff member for the art gallery until I was ready to get back to work although I wasn’t getting a salary anymore as the gallery couldn’t afford it. Peter’s boss had given him two more weeks off, telling him that it was best to get on with work to keep his mind busy which had made Peter furious. He had yelled at his boss and told him that the only thing he should be focusing on right now was getting his daughter back. After he had calmed down however, he had agreed to come back to work. The thing was, we couldn’t afford for us both to be off work and maybe it was better for him to keep his mind busy. Staring out of the window wasn’t bringing us any closer to getting her back anyway.
I walked through to the living-room after having splashed my face with cold water and walked over to Peter. I stood next to him for a minute looking out onto the park where a couple of kids were playing around with a ball.
“Did you see her last night?” he asked without looking at me.
“Yes,” I answered looking up at him.
The thought made him smile ever so slightly.
“How was she.”
“She was happy, she showed me a family of fairies.”
Now he was smiling but his eyes were glazed over as if he was about to cry.
We stood silent for a while longer.
“I’m going to mum’s today. I have to see how dad is doing,” I said, looking up at his unshaven but still beautiful face. “ok.”
“What are you going to do today?” I asked.
He lifted his shoulders.
“I’m not sure yet…we’re out of milk, I’ll run to the store…and then probably past the police station to see if they need help with the case.” I nodded in agreement.
“ok,” I said as I stood on my toes to give him a kiss on the cheek before walking away. I knew the police would just send him home but it made him feel like he was at least doing something. In all honesty I could tell that it annoyed the police officers a bit but they were kind nonetheless and always kept him up to date on what they had looked at and if they had found anything, which they never did. They even put him in front of the computer to look at the recorded surveillants cameras of the week prior to Erin’s disappearance until a week after to see if he saw anything that stood out that the police may have missed, but he never found anything. There was literally zero evidence at this time. They had found no fingerprints, no sign of forced entry, no witnesses or suspects. The only thing that came to mind was the eery feeling of being watched the day before her disappearance. I had felt it one time after that day, about a week later when I was sitting on a bench by the park waiting for a miracle to happen, waiting for Erin. I had felt the same dark energy close by. The hairs on my arms had risen and I had felt scared. I had looked around the park and seen a shadow like mist in the shape of a man, standing not far from a very sad looking man who didn’t seem to notice the shadow. I only saw it for a brief moment however and then it was gone. I had questioned my sanity at the time. Even though it didn’t seem to be directed to me, more so to the sad man, I had still felt scared and wanted to warn him but then the shadowy mist had disappeared into thin air. I didn’t want to sound like a crazy person so I left it and walked home at a fast pace wanting to get away from the uncomfortable feeling that I had.
It was around eleven o’clock when mum opened the front door of her house looking stressed. “Alex, you look so thin. I’ve got some left-over lunch, would you like some? It’s pasta.”
“No thanks mum, I ate just before I left,” I lied.
My mum took a deep breathe. “Ok then, if you’re sure.”
She grabbed her coat and shut the door behind her. “Let’s see how dad is then, shall we,” she said forcing a smile.
We got into my car and I started the engine. “So how is dad doing?” I asked. I knew he was in the hospital and had taken a lot of tests but didn’t know any of the results yet. He was also on heavy medication.
“I don’t know dear,” my mum said looking out of the window. It was hard to see her this way. It was almost as if she was a little scared and wounded bird. I started thinking of what would happen if dad died before my mum and how I would be the one who would most likely have to take care of her. Jason would probably only visit a couple of times a month at the most if I were to guess, and Emma, well I don’t know about her. She would probably help, come to think of it. Or at least I hoped she would. I also hoped this scenario would only happen far in the future if it had to happen at all.
“You know, your father is the only one who ever truly understood me,” my mum said as if starting a story.
“How do you mean?” I asked.
“When we were young I got the feeling not many of my peers understood me. In fact, they could be quite mean at times. I never really had that many friends.”
I looked at her, intrigued by her opening up to me like that. It was very unlike her.
“You know, I was quite pretty actually,” she said half smiling, still looking out of the car window onto the grey day outside.
“I didn’t know it back then of course. I was brought up to not care about ones physical beauty too much. It was the brain that needed tending to… Well, you know your grandparents, God rest their souls.” She paused for a few seconds. “But then your father came. He looked at me in a way no one ever had. In the beginning when he would look at me, I thought that he was mocking me. He was a handsome man your father, so why was he looking at me?” she said, looking away. “If he’d been a bit more cocky and played the game right he would’ve been one of the popular kids, I’m sure of it. But he preferred to do his studying and stay true to himself. It was inspiring… Then one day he walked up to me and I could tell that he was nervous. He introduced himself and asked me if I would like to go for a walk. I was still slightly suspicious but he seemed genuine enough, so I agreed and we strolled along in Princes street gardens. We walked for hours. Just talking about everything. He was a perfect gentleman and walked me to my house and then he kissed me on the cheek and asked if he could see me again. He had been so lovely, how could I possibly say no to that. Slowly but surely he won me over.”
I stared out at the traffic. I felt like she was telling me a bedtime story. I almost wish I had been in bed with a cosy nightlight on and her telling me the story of how they had met and I would fall asleep feeling secure and happy. I smiled at the thought. “He was the only one that saw my traits, not as flaws but as benefits. He didn’t mind me being socially shy or saying the wrong blunt thing, he always helped me in those situations. You’ve told me on countless occasions how embarrassing I can be and trust me, I am aware of it,” she said, snorting.
My heart ached, I felt so bad for having said those things. She had definitely been embarrassing on countless occasions, saying the wrong things. Once when I’d had a boy home she had started talking about my period right in front of him. I had only had it for the first time a few weeks prior to that and I was so annoyed at her for bringing it up in front of him. At the time I had a major crush on him and thought that he was so cute. I didn’t want him thinking of me having my period. For a twelve year old that was horrifying. but who was I to judge. I mean, I had most definitely had my moments to.
“Mum, I am so sorry. I don’t know why I said those things. You aren’t embarrassing, you’re just open and honest…and maybe a little blunt at times,” I said winking at her.
“Don’t worry about that darling, it was a long time ago. All children think that their parents are annoying at some point,” she said putting her hand gently on my arm.
“I know I don’t show it much but he really is the love of my life. I couldn’t do without him,” she said putting her hand up to her mouth. Tears were escaping her eyes.
All I could do was reach over and stroke her arm gently. It was nice that she had told me how they met. She didn’t talk much about her feelings usually but I was grateful that she had. It was nice to know how it began with mum and dad.
We arrived at the hospital. My mum wiped her eyes with a tissue and looked in a little mirror that she took from her bag, checking to see how she looked. She didn’t wear much make up anyway but she liked to use a little mascara and some light lipstick.
“Come on mum,” I said as I opened the door. “I bet dad is really looking forward to some company.”
She nodded and opened the car door.
We walked into the hospital. I had never liked hospitals much, until the day I had met Peter for the first time…in real life that is. Before that happened I just thought it felt sad there. People were ill, hurt or dying and the people that visited seemed sad too. It was different in the paternity department but even there, there were frightened mothers to be. It’s like I could feel the low energy of a hospital. As we walked in I felt confused as to why my dad would be here. I was still very much in denial and hadn’t been able to focus on him with Erin missing. I just couldn’t handle it all, so I refused to believe that my dad was ill. A childish way of handling it perhaps but I felt like I had to in order to deal with the situation.
As we walked into my dad’s white, square hospital room and smelt the sterile air it made me wonder why they didn’t have aroma therapy in hospitals. Surely that would be a positive attribute to the wellbeing of the patients? I looked over at him lying there in his bed and for a second I thought that we had walked into the wrong room. What I saw in front of me was an old man. He was coughing and held a handkerchief to his mouth. He looked up and as he did his eyes shone bright and there he was, my dad again.
“Alex, darling!” he announced, clearly happy to see me. I walked up and hugged him. He was frail, as if he hadn’t slept for ages. Then again, we were all like that these days. I looked down at the handkerchief he had in his hand and noticed a few drops of blood that he had coughed up. Feeling slightly nauseous I smiled at him, trying hard not to let my feelings show.
“How are you dad?” I asked.
“Oh well, you know, could be better I suppose. Still, I feel like a star here sometimes. The nurses are lovely to me and we have a good laugh." My mum gave my dad an annoyed look, clear jealousy shining through.
“Oh Kirsty, some of them are men you know and besides…no one holds a candle to you."
My mum couldn’t help herself but smile…trying to hide it of course. It was a little funny and the three of us started to giggle, which felt odd. Like I had forgotten how to do it.
A short slim man with a white coat and glasses walked into the room. He came over and introduced himself as Andrew Wilson, my dad’s doctor. I had never met him so I also introduced myself.
“Mrs.Walker,” he said looking at my mum. “I need a word.” He then looked at me and continued; “It might be good for you to come as well.” “Ok,” I replied, slightly startled. He sounded serious and it made me nervous.
My mum kissed my dad on the cheek and we left him in his hospital bed, following the doctor down the hall and into a fairly big office with two windows overlooking the parking lot outside. I could spot my car from there. He gestured to two chairs in front of the desk.
“Please, have a seat.”
We sat down. I didn’t make eye contact with my mum, I noticed that she was avoiding looking at me as well. I think that she must have been as nervous as I was. We didn’t know what to expect. Was this good news or bad news? I had been trying to read the doctors facial expression but he was obviously good at hiding his emotions…if he had any that is, because I literally couldn’t tell if he was about to give a death sentence or not, and he was taking an awfully long pause which just annoyed me. “We have run a bronchoscopy test. We have also drawn fluid from between his lung and chest wall to check for abnormal cells.” I frowned.
“What is a bronchoscopy test?” I asked, feeling annoyed at him for not explaining that straight away.
“A bronchoscopy test is when doctors thread a slender tube with a camera through the mouth into the lungs. Once in place, we can look directly at the tumour and also take tissue samples,” he answered as if from a text book. He looked at me to see if I had understood him.
“Ok,” I nodded. “Please continue.”
“Unfortunately…the cancer has spread. He has extensive small lung cancer. This means it’s going to get worse and fast I’m afraid.”
“Well there must be a treatment for it surely?” my mum insisted. “What about chemotherapy?” “As far as making him more comfortable, chemotherapy can help to relieve symptoms such as bone pain or neurologic symptoms like the inability to walk but it won’t cure him.” “The inability to walk?” I repeated. I just sat there not blinking. I couldn’t take in the news the doctor was giving us. I was feeling dizzy. “Does he know, have you told him?” I asked. “Yes, we have spoken about it. He doesn’t want to take the chemotherapy treatment. He has requested to be sent home for the remaining time.
He says he wants to spend it with his family.” “Well I hope you told him it is out of the question? He is most certainly having the treatment!” my mum said looking furious. “There is no such thing as a death sentence, we make our own fate. He will get better, you’ll see!” my mum insisted.
“Listen, I know this is very hard for you both, but my job is to make sure the patient is well looked after. If I can’t save him, then it is up to him how he chooses to live the rest of his life and I am afraid he has the legal right to do so. You may however try to convince him otherwise, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up. He seems to have made his mind up and like I said, the chemotherapy may help relieve some pain but it won’t cure him.” “But he needs care,” I said.
“He would have a nurse sent to his house every day for a couple of hours, then of course he would need your help. Maybe not straight away but he will get worse in the end and he will need one of you or another family member around most of the time." I looked at my mum and saw fear in her eyes like I had never seen before. I reached out and held her hand. I felt that I needed to be strong for her. Besides, I couldn’t take in the news, I wasn’t sure I would survive it with Erin missing and Peter being so depressed. I was going to have to be strong for my family now.
“How long has he got?” I asked softly.
The doctor paused briefly. I looked up at him for an answer.
“If he is lucky, a few months but I have to be honest with you. Because of the degree in the spread of the cancer it could be as little as weeks. We simply do not know at this stage.” He looked at my mother and I with the first human-like expression so far, sympathy. “I am sorry.” My mother squeezed my hand hard and cried.
As soon as we walked back into my dad’s room my mum tried convincing my dad to at least take the treatment but he was having none of it. He was very calm and somehow looked peaceful, like he was actually fine with the news. It baffled me. I just stared at him and felt myself calming down. My mother became like white noise in the background and for a moment I felt as if I had an out of body experience. I felt at peace with everything. My mum came up in front of me and I plummeted back into reality and felt heavy again. Heavy with emotion and tired.
“Tell him Alex, tell him he needs the treatment and that he needs to stay in the hospital.” I just raised my shoulders.
“I don’t know mum.”
I should not have said that. She started yelling at me. Calling me stupid and selfish. My dad got cross at that.
“Kirsty, do not speak to our daughter like that, this is my decision, my life and I will live it as I see fit. Chemo would only keep me in here and I refuse to spend the rest of my short life in a boring hospital room waiting to die.” He lowered his tired voice. “Let me live in peace Kirsty. Let me wake up every morning and see your beautiful face. Let me eat breakfast on our patio and watch our beautiful garden grow. Let me invite friends over and enjoy my evening whisky. Let me enjoy the rest of this life that I have been given. Please…my love.” The room went silent. My mum finally nodded her head and started crying. My dad opened his arms and my mum rushed to his embrace. He looked over his shoulder and waved me over. I walked over and hugged both my parents. I wasn’t crying. I had to be strong. This just wasn’t happening, was it?