Have you ever had a dream where you woke up in the dream and you thought you were awake, only to find evidence that were you still dreaming, at which point you awake and go about your day, only to discover that you are still dreaming, and you awake again? If you didn’t come prepared for weird in selecting my star-journal for lite reading, well, prepare for weird.
It’s called ‘false awakenings.’ I remember Aryk lunging at me, his hands coming in contact with my neck. I remember seeing the flash, like a camera flash had gone off, but I did not see the solid beam that struck him in the back. I remember the sensation of the world light dimming, pushing my view of the world to the end of a tunnel and the world spinning. In fact, now that I muse about it, if you know in the opening of a Bond song, you see the circle dropping after the sound of a bullet fired. My perspective was looking out through that tunnel, the world spinning, and Bond blowing into the barrel of his gun, nonchalantly. I think I saw Hernandez standing over me, reaching down before that channel flipped off.
And I walked into the force field. I blinked. My hand was hurting. My head was hurting.
And I was really confused.
“Sorry, Sir,” tech Shetty said. She seemed genuinely concerned. “The transporter has detected an unidentified organism and put up a quarantine field.”
Didn’t we already do this? Am I dreaming? Do people dream after being stunned? I started going through lucid dreaming tests, trying to provoke lucidity. I considered jumping to determine if I could hover, but thought that might look too weird.
“So, how is your day going?” she asked. “I am still collecting evidence,” I said.
House arrived. “Of course,” he said. “Lower the force field.”
“Really?” Shetty said. “What if he’s contagious?”
“Umm, and what if I had gone to medical school and like I considered that?” House said. He pointed to her screen. “Bacterial. It’s safe.” She didn’t seemed convinced. House lowered the force field on his authority.
Shetty covered her mouth with her hands. “But I’m not wearing hazmat gear!”
“Neither am I,” House pointed out.
House proceeded to examine me with his tricorder, anchored it in the air so he could manipulate my hand, and once again, set the bones. I didn’t even flinch.
“Interesting,” House said. “Most people react to their bones being set. You feeling okay?”
“Haven’t we done this before?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s getting annoying. You should eat more apples,” House said.
“Hold still while I neutralize the bacteria.”
“You’re not giving me an antibiotic?” I asked.
“What, you’re a doctor now, too?” House asked.
“No. I kill the bacteria with this. I rebuild the damaged tissues with this. Your immune system is responding appropriately, and will eliminate the dead foreign cells on its own.”
Loxy entered. “Sorry I am late. I was dealing with… What the heck did you do?”
“We haven’t gotten to that part yet,” House said.
“For the record, I need know how you injured yourself. Statistics and all.”
“I already told you,” I said.
House looked at me seriously. “After you humor me by telling me again, you should probably stop by the psych ward.”
“I am getting tired of you telling me I should visit the psych ward,” I said.
“I am getting tired of you presenting like you’re crazy,” House said.
“I am getting tired of you treating everyone like they’re crazy,” I said.
“Valid point. Idiocy does not warrant a trip to the psych ward,” House agreed, un- anchoring his tricorder and clipping it back to his belt. “But clearly, you did something more than idiotic, or you would own up to how you got injured.”
“I was petting a leptoceraptops …” I began “Psych ward,” House and Loxy said.
“What’s a leptoceraptops?” Shetty asked.
“Educational department, Fleet headquarters,” House said.
“Look, never mind. I am fine. If I have a fever that last more than 24 hours, I will contact you,” I said.
“Or the nurse. It doesn’t have to be me per say,” House said. “Sure,” I said, standing up. I headed towards the door. “Where are you going?” Loxy asked.
“Psych ward,” I said, and pushed through the door.
I arrived at Psych, and discovered Aryk unconscious on bed one. Shankardass and Jung were discussing the case when I arrived. Nurse Hernandez was doing something that resembled work. She looked up from her work just long enough to give me a pleasant smile, which was more courtesy of me being the Captain than from recognition and experience. I think.
“Hello, my boy,” Jung said. “You’re a bit premature, as we are still not certain what happened.”
“Clearly you’ve ruled out space sickness,” I jested.
“That’s not even a real thing,” Shankardass said, sighing as if she had already had this conversation. I was certainly looking for evidence that people remembered having this conversation, but she could have just been frustrated with the whole affair that had nothing to do with me stuck in de-ja-vu mode. “I mean, you can’t just throw space in front of something and a make it a something.”
“You’re right,” I said. “And if you’re following protocol, you’re just waiting for him to wake up with sufficient self-control he doesn’t get stunned.”
“Wow, you’re up to speed with psych protocols,” Hernandez said.
“I would rather just administer Haldol,” Shankardass said.
“Even in 2017, the World Health Organization recognized that though the use of Haldol in episodic events helped, it seems to exasperate the long term condition it seeks to treat,” Jung said.
“Filling his body with an external chemical restraint doesn’t allow the agent to develop their own internal sense of control.”
“And zapping him with stun is helping how?” Shankardass asked.
Aryk woke, all of a sudden, as if he had a leg cramp. The cramp drove him to his feet and he visually calmed as he worked out the pain and the muscle relaxed. And then he orientated on us, or me specifically, lunged, while yelling he would kill me. The computer hit him with a stun beam, and dropped him to the floor. Hernandez and I put him back on the bed.
“See, he’s learning,” Jung said. “He was calm for like two whole seconds.”
“3.2,” Hernandez said, drawing the precise measurement from her computer monitor. “3.2,” Jung corrected.
“We’re happy because we’ve increased his mental stability for a whole 1.2 seconds?” Shankardass asked. “We could be here a whole week before he gains enough self-control.”
“It’s better he learns it than we dose him,” Jung said.
The two Doctors continued their debate on the appropriate protocol to pursue. Hernandez was watching me. I think this was the debate they were having when I entered the first time.
“Are you okay, Captain?” Hernandez asked.
This drew the attention of the Doctors. “You look unsettled,” Jung said. “Don’t be perturbed by our apparent discord. We are actually engaged in a dialectic that will lead to better mental health outcomes.”
“Would you guys perform a brain scan on me?” I asked. “Why?” Jung asked. “You have a head ache?”
“Just, because,” Isaid.
“We don’t need to,” Shankardass.
“Let me guess, you already have a sample copy of my brain in my file, but this is like a noninvasive thing, and I want you to do one. Captain’s prerogative. Compare and contrast,” I said.
Jung pointed to table two. I hopped up on the bed and they began a recording session. A real time image of my brain appeared on the screen behind my bed, and Shankardass directed the computer to do a 3D image of my brain, a holographic rendition that materialized over me so that the Doctors could interact with it and I could watch.
“Other than evidence that you’re experiencing a heightened stress response, your brain is functioning within normal parameters,” Shankardass observed.
“No artifacts?” I asked.
“Lots of artifacts. An absence of artifacts would indicate death. But there are no apparent anomalies,” Jung said.
“What are you looking for, son?”
“Can you tell if I am dreaming?” I asked.
“You’re not dreaming,” Jung and Shankardass said simultaneously.
“Well, you both agree about that,” I said.
“REM has a definite signature,” Jung said.
“Do you feel like you’re dreaming?”
“No,” I said.
“Are you hallucinating?” Shan asked.
“No, why?” I asked.
“I’m just trying to understand what you’re looking for,” Shankardass said. “Does he have a history of being hypochondriac?”
“Not to my knowledge,” Jung said.
“Okay, we’re done here,” I said, getting up off the table.
Aryk sprung from his table and grabbed me. The phaser brought us both down. I had the same spinning feeling as before, and Hernandez was the last thing I saw…Before I hit the shield with my forehead.
OMG.
“Sorry, Sir,” Shetty said.
“The computer has detected an unidentified organism and has erected a quarantine force field,” I said simultaneously with her.
“Wow, how did you know that?” Shetty asked. “What else could the force field mean?” I snapped.
Shetty’s lips puffed up and I almost expected her to cry. “OMG, please don’t do that,” I said.
“I am sorry,” Shetty said, tears flowing.
House entered, assessed the situation and made an assumption.
“His injuries aren’t that bad, he’ll live,” he said.
Shetty wiped her eyes.
“You can lower the force field,” House said.
“I think you have to do that,” Shetty said, backing away from the console.
“May I be excused?”
“Yes,” I said.
“What did you say to her?” House asked, lowering the shield. “I don’t know, something House-ish,” I said.
“Oh, snap,” House said. “You’re like being mean.”
“Yeah, can you get this over with?” I asked.
“You have a hot date?” House asked.
Feeling urgency to get this on with, I re-set my own fingers. And then wished I hadn’t.
Fuck, that hurt, and it dropped me back into the present. Loxy entered.
“What the hell?” Loxy asked.
“I am still in the discovery phase,” House said.
“Just do your thing so I can get to my next thing,” I insisted.
“Are you okay?” Loxy asked.
“What’s your next thing?” House asked, anchoring his tricorder. He seemed pleased with my re-set and started to kill the foreign bacteria.
“Psych ward,” I said.
“Good for you,” House said.
“You’re not thinking about hurting yourself or others are you?” Loxy asked.
“No! Why would you even ask that?!” I asked.
“Because, I just sent someone to the psych ward for hurting others, and you’re not acting like yourself,” Loxy pointed out.
“I am fine. Just in pain,” I said.
“For the record, how did you injure yourself?” House asked, starting the tissue repair. I closed my eyes and sighed.
“I petted a leptoceraptops.”
House finished the procedure. “When you get finished at psych, have Jung send me a report. And, take a nap. Naps are good for people.”
Loxy accompanied me to the psych ward, even though I told her it wasn’t necessary.
“Well, hello, my boy. Oh! And Loxy, darling. You’re looking absolutely lovely,” Jung said.
“Why, thank you, Sir,” Loxy said.
“I need to speak with you, alone,” I said.
Jung acquiesced, motioning towards his office. I led, he followed. As soon as the door closed, I turned and opened the conversation with:
“Alright, how do you wake up from a dream?” I asked. “You believe you’re dreaming?” Jung asked.
“Clearly I am dreaming!” I snapped. “And you based that on?” Jung asked.
“Oh, let’s just stay practical and not psychoanalyze me,” I said.
Jung seemed perplexed. He reached for his electronic cigarette and took a hit. “How can I not psychoanalyze when you’re being a bit mysterious,” Jung asked.
“Okay, so, I am experiencing false awakenings, which clearly means I am dreaming,” I said.
“Maybe,” Jung agreed.
“Maybe? What do you mean maybe?” I asked.
“How many times have you experienced this re-awakening?” Jung asked. “I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe twice?”
“That doesn’t make sense to me,” Jung said, taking his chair. “You’re doubting my report?” I asked.
“No, no, oh no, not that,” Jung said, leaning into his desk. “It’s just, you seem really perturbed by this experience, and you have this urgency to wake up, but you have only experienced this phenomena twice?”
I blinked. “I have to go through it a hundred time before you take it seriously?” I asked. “I am taking it seriously, John,” Jung said.
“Then how do I wake up?” I asked.
“If we assume you’re dreaming, then you will wake up when you wake up,” Jung said. “Do you wish to discuss the elements in your dream?”
“I don’t even know what’s real anymore!” I snapped.
“Which might explain your urgency to wake up. You feel that this reality is a dream, consequently you want it to end,” Jung said.
“No, I don’t want this to end,” I said.
“This reality or this cycle of false awakenings?” Jung asked. “OMG, why is this so difficult?” I asked.
“Interesting,” Jung said. “Do you suppose this is an existential crisis?”
“You’re asking a man who woke up to realize he is a spaceship captain if he’s having an existential crisis,” I said. “Of course I am having an existential crisis.”
“What’s real, what’s not real?” Jung asked.
“Oh, just skip the analytical psychological babble and jump straight to the transcendental function that wakes me up,” I said. “You’re supposed to be like a master of waking up.”
“One wakes up when they have learned all they can from dream,” Jung said. “What I think you’re really asking is what’s real and what’s not.”
“Okay, fine. Let’s go with that. How do I do that?” I asked.
“In a dream, all things are real,” Jung said. “All things are you.”
“So, I exist because I dream? Like Descartes ‘I think therefore I am?” I asked. “Pretty much,” Jung said.
“How is that even helpful? It’s a circular mental trap,” I argued. “Descartes also said tear down all old assumptions, and considering his assumption of ‘I think therefore I am’ is now an old assumption which has not actually improved society, maybe it’s time to deconstruct that theorem, too. What good does it do to think and divide and to label if all it does is take us deeper into duality and war? Descartes actually proposed a demon holds us in illusion, but what if the demon is actually ourselves, our own thoughts?! Do I need to have you re-read Camus’ Sisyphus and how your poetical descriptions of orbital mechanics of the absurdly small is as much out of my grasp as Whitman’s leaves or Van Gogh starry night! I am blind, Sir, I see nothing that own brain hasn’t woven together. Which means, even if it’s Descartes demon, or my own inner working, I am still stuck in this loop!”
Jung nursed on his vapor, contemplatively.
“‘This world in itself is not reasonable, that is all that can be said. But what is absurd is the confrontation of this irrational and the wild longing for clarity whose call echoes in the human heart…’” Jung quoted.
“Exactly!”
“Dream or not, son, you’re going to have to sort this out,” Jung said. “And I would start by calming yourself and dealing with the elements individually so you can better understand this experience.”
“Fine,” I said. I turned and headed out. “Everything okay?” Loxy asked. “No,” I said.
Aryk launched himself off the table and grabbed me, blaming me for whatever issue he was experiencing, and once again the computer’s phaser took us both out.
I bumped the force field.
“Fuck,” I said.
“Sorry, Sir,” Shetty began.
“The computer has detected an unidentified organism and implemented an emergency quarantine procedure,” I said with her.
“How did you know?” Shetty asked.
“I am psychic,” I said.
“Really?” Shetty asked. “Tell me what I am thinking.”
“You were wondering what you were going to do after work today,” I said. “No,” Shetty said. “I have plans to DJ a party a few of us techs are having.”
“Oh, well, it doesn’t always work,” I said, looking at my sleeve in such a way that the tech realized I was looking at the chronometer. “And here’s House.”
Nothing happened. I captured the time House entered at 13 hundred hours, 22 mintues. “Oh, that’s pretty convincing, but you knew he was coming,” Shetty said.
House seemed perplexed. “Am I missing something?”
“Not yet,” I said. Setting my fingers for him. Fuck! It doesn’t seem as bad when House does it, but I was what, trying to prove a point. “Can you fix this please?”
“Lower the shield,” House said.
“I think you have to do that,” Shetty said.
“You can’t just do it on my authority?” House asked, punching in the override with his authorization. “Fine, let’s see what you’ve got here.”
He set his med kit down and retrieved his tricorder and asked me to sit. After doing a general scan, he anchored the device in the air and manipulated my hand. Apparently, there was some hard events that were just going to happen, like this encounter with the Doctor. He actually complimented my setting of bones before proceeding with the tissue regeneration.
“Can you give me something for the pain?” I asked.
House looked up at me. “You just set your own fingers, and you want an analgesic now?” House said.
Loxy entered and I quickly looked at my chronometer. 13:23. “What the hell did you do?” Loxy asked.
“I was attacked by a dinosaur,” I said. “Really?” Shetty asked.
House and Loxy looked at Shetty in disbelief. Loxy crossed her arms. I must say, she looks really good when she does that look.
“What really happened?” Loxy asked, crossing her arms. “You don’t believe me?” I asked.
“I am having a really tough day, John,” Loxy said. “And the fact that my fears actually came true and you were injured on the very First Away Team that I should have led has occurred.”
House finished, put away his tools, and unanchored his tricorder. “I was bit by a leptoceraptops,” I said.
“A what?” Shetty asked. “A dinosaur,” I said. “Wow,” Shetty said.
“It just snuck up on you?” Loxy asked, irritated. “No, I kind of intruded in on its space,” I said.
“Do I need to send you for another psych eval?” House asked.
“Nope, I learned that lesson,” I said. “If only I could start the whole day over.”
“I know, right?” Shetty said. “Today has been more challenging than others.”
“Oh, I am sorry to hear that. What happened?” I said.
“Are you flirting with the tech in front of me?” Loxy asked. “I’m not flirting, I am showing concern,” I said.
“You know where to find me if you need me,” House said, taking his exit. “Me, too,” Loxy said, and turned and left.
I pursued Loxy, pausing only briefly to say ‘later’ to Shetty, and caught up to her in the corridor.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
“What’s wrong? Why don’t you tell me?” Loxy asked.
“I am being normal for me,” I said, minus the whole false awakening. “Maybe that’s my problem,” Loxy said.
I reached out as if to take her hand but she pulled away from me and pointed. “Don’t touch me,” Loxy said.
“No, really, what’s going on?”
“You were flirting with her and you won’t admit it,” Loxy said.
“That’s normal everyday me. You’ve seen that before. You lived with it in my head,” I said.
“Well, I am not in your head anymore, and you got yourself hurt and you’re not taking anything seriously,” Loxy said.
“I am okay,” I assured her.
“I don’t believe you,” Loxy said. “There’s something going on. And maybe when you have less of an attitude, you can fill me in. I’ll be on the bridge.”
Loxy got in the turbolift, gave me hands up ‘stop’ signal informing me she was taking this lift by herself. Before she closed the door, she informed me I should go by psych, as there was a matter I should be aware of. The door closed.
I had no intentions of going to psych. I instead, I broke with the pattern, retired to my quarters where I got naked, showered, dressed in new clothes, and threw myself on the bed and took a nap.
I hit the force field.
“Fuck!” no phasers set for stun, and no napping. Got it! “Sorry, Sir,” Shetty said.
“The computer has detected an unidentified organism and implemented an emergency quarantine procedure,” I said with her.
“How…”
“I am psychic,” I said.
“Really?” Shetty asked. “What am I thinking?”
“You’re wishing you could start your day over and you’re wondering about the music you’re going to mix at the get together some of your coworkers are having later.”
“OMG!” Shetty said.
“I know, right,” I said. “Would you be okay if I crashed that party?”
“Sure,” Shetty said.
I pointed to the door and House entered.
“Oh, that’s really good,” Shetty said.
“If you think that’s clever, you should take a psychic to bed,” I said. Shetty blushed.
“Do you two want to be alone?” House said.
“I broke my hand,” I said, showing him my injury. “Lower the shield,” House said.
“You have to override it for her,” I said on her behalf.
While House lowered the shield, I sat down in the transporter alcove, waiting to be served. He came over, set down his med kit, and then took out his tricorder and anchored it between us, manipulating my hand back and forth and up and down between underneath tricorder. If I did nothing to interrupt this, it flowed the same way each time. Which was interesting; even if I was cycling, you would think various theories on chaos would assume that nothing would ever be precisely the same.
“Before you set the fingers, can you give me something for the pain?” I asked.
House scrutinize my eyes. “You’re clearly coping well enough without,” he said, and then set my fingers.
“Fuck,” I said. “How about now.”
“Nah, the worse is over,” House said.
“That’s what you think,” I said. “Humor me.”
“It isn’t necessary,” House insisted.
“And, here’s Loxy,” I said. Loxy entered.
“Oh, that’s just spooky,” Shetty said.
“What is?” Loxy asked. “Oh, what the hell did you do to your hand?”
“Finished,” House said, putting away his tricorder.
“I hate to admit to doing something stupid, but I tried to pet a leptoceraptops,” I said. “Are you completely daft?” Loxy asked.
“I am, and if I could undo it, I would,” I said.
Loxy turned and departed before House. I excused myself and caught up to her. “What’s up?” I asked her.
“You being careless is what’s up,” Loxy said, heading for the lift.
“Loxy,” I said, trying to slow her down. “Loxy, please. I need your help with something.” Loxy slowed to a stop and faced me, arms crossed.
“Can we talk in our quarters?” I asked.
She squinted her eyes, trying to maintain her anger. “I got to get back to the Bridge.”
“Five minutes?” I asked.
“You wish,” Loxy said. It was almost a laugh. Not quite. “I am mad at you.”
“Please?” I said, trying for a smile.
She pointed at me. “Five minutes.”
I took her hand and led us into the lift and took us to our floor, clearly impatient. “Are you okay?” Loxy asked.
“Just excited,” I said.
“I see that,” Loxy said. “You didn’t get exposed to those reptilian toxins, did you?”
Oh! I had forgotten all about that. I dragged her back to the room and before the doors were even shut, I was on her and taking her to the couch.
“John, slow down,” Loxy said.
“You only gave me five minutes,” I pointed out.
“Well,” Loxy said, her eyes bright. “It’s just a euphemism. I am here now, and we could take our time.”
Two minutes, thirty six second later, I was hitting my head on the shield. “Fuck!” I said. Phasers on stun, naps, and orgasms. Fuck!
“Sorry, Sir,” Shetty said.
Okay, so, fuck, the set point for this false awakening, or whatever the fuck it was, was clearly established at the point of returning to the ship. The first hard event that was pretty much inescapable was my experience with Shetty, House and Loxy. It didn’t take me long to minimize the interaction patterns to streamline me out of that situation. To be more precise, I sorted all the pathways that got me out of that situation with the least amount of conflict, mostly because it was boring. It was like watching the beginning of a movie that was simply introducing you to characters so that you might like them enough to keep watching.
Pursuing the next act, or block of time, seemed like an obvious choice: I would convince Loxy into returning to our quarters, as that pathway seemed to result in the least amount of conflict between the two of us. Unfortunately, it also always lead to intimacy. With the exception of two premature ejaculations that shot me back to reset point, the shortest interval of intimacy was one minute, and the longest was half an hour. There were five sessions in which I didn’t orgasm at all, and each of those times, Loxy got impatient and mad and just left, accusing me of not finding her attractive any more. Out of one of those time times, I tried faking, which I think I did pretty good, because until she went to shower and in the process of cleaning found no evidence, she seemed okay with the performance. Of course, on find no evidence, it resulted in a whole level of mad that I hadn’t expected.
Women can fake, but men can’t. So not fair.