The safest, least adversarial pathway that didn’t leave me resetting or fighting with Loxy was ‘discovering’ I was needed in Psych and playing up the part that I should be a ‘good’ Captain. As long as I stayed well out of reach of Aryk, I didn’t get stunned. It also occurred to me that he and I were having a similar day. The difference was I was stuck temporally where he was stuck emotionally. My set point was temporally bound, and I bounced when I hit predictable triggers. He was reset every 15 minutes or so by a phaser due to escalating rage. I got to the point where I could converse with Jung and Shankardass, leaving them sufficiently impressed that I knew something that they felt safe withdrawing to the office while I took up being a nurse for Aryk. I think a part of me was hoping if I sat here long enough, Aryk would figure out what he needed to know to stop getting stunned, and I would suddenly stop having false awakenings.
I took a chair and watched my patient. He was on a 24 hour watch, which meant human eyes on him for the duration.
“You seem to be in a good mood,” Letty noticed.
“I guess I am,” I said. I mean, it wasn’t really a bad day. Getting bit wasn’t fun. And though Shetty seemed to lack intellectual substance, there was probably more than there than I gave her credit, because it took talent to mix music and spin rifts. Music in itself, even if it’s re- arranging other people’s music, is still intelligence. I wonder how long it would take me to discover the truth about her. And that’s a real thing. Clearly, my first thoughts of her was she was kind of shallow. She was drop dead, Indian gorgeous. That in itself would hold me. I would pursue knowing her for that alone, but eventually, if there was nothing inside to connect with, it wouldn’t go anywhere. How long would it take for the desire for intimacy passed and I either really connected with her on profound levels or gave up trying?
“You don’t seem fully here,” Letty said.
I refocused on Letty. Letty would be really easy to connect with. We think similarly and, well, she has a way about her where she pushes her own sensuality in a subtle, alluring way. She would be Marry Ann, compared to Ginger. On one of the cycles, we held a conversation with about Trek. Specifically, we discussed the episode called “Cause and Effect’ the 18th episode of season five, in which the Enterprise was caught in a temporal loop. This did not fit my situation. What did? “Groundhog Day” was more appropriate.
I got up from my chair and went to the medical bed where Aryk lay. Recessed in the bed were straps, and I took the time to restrain him to the table.
“Jung didn’t want to do that,” Letty said.
“I want to try something different,” I said, securing another belt.
Apparently Jung witnessed what I was doing and emerged from his office. Shankardass followed.
“I don’t want to use physical restraints,” Jung said.
“I know, but I want to try something different,” I said. “I am the Doctor,” Jung said.
“I am the Captain,” I said.
“I can override the Captain if I think my patient’s rights are being infringed upon,” Jung said.
“It won’t hurt him to be restrained,” Shankardass said.
“It’s not medically necessary and could be counterproductive to our goal,” Jung said. “I think he’s waking,” Letty said.
Aryk screamed. “Ahh, my leg,” he said. “Let me up. Please.”
“If we let you up, you’re not going to attack anyone?” I asked. “I promise,” Aryk said, moaning. “Ah please.”
With one button, I released all the restraints. Aryk stood, holding onto the bed, and pushing into his toe, relieving the spasm in his leg until he could stand. He breathed easier. And then caught me up in a neck hold…
Fuck! I returned to the psych ward and began my long wait, determined to see this through. So far, I seemed to be the only one that remembers repeating everything. At 15:00 Loxy called me to see if I was going to take the helm.
“Assign it to the backup Captain,” I said. “I am in Psych.”
“Aye,” Loxy said, but there was something in her tone that seemed irritated.
At 16:00, there was a shift change in the Psych ward. A new nurse and Doctor came in.
Letty and Shankardass departed. Letty asked me to go with her and get a drink in Xanadu. I entertained the idea of having coffee, only because I was curious about tracking just how much effort it would take to get her in bed, but then I thought, I would just orgasm and end back up at set point, and so she was a distraction at best. I chose to stay put, not out of being a good human or anything, but just because I was hoping this track was the track I needed to be on.
Jung had remained in his office, skimming journal entries that might lead him to a non- pharmaceutical answer. Apparently, I have a hard limit to how long I can keep my eyes open when on sentry duty. About 16:10, right before Aryk woke again, I dozed. It was sufficient enough sleep that the ‘jerk’ I felt wasn’t just me coming out of my chair but was me hitting the force field.
Fuck, and fast forwards to the Psych Ward. At 15:00 Loxy called to check on me, as I had Bridge duty. I asked her to give it to the stand by officer. I then got up for a cup of coffee. Jung intercepted me.
“That’s enough coffee for you, my boy,” Jung said. “I’ll take over for a while.”
“I don’t mind,” I said.
“Go on. You have lots of other things to attend to. I will let know if there is a significant change in his situation,” Jung said.
And so, I returned to my quarters, told the computer no calls, ordered up a pint of ice cream and asked the computer to start playing ‘Groundhog Day.’ If I did nothing else but this, at exactly 16:22 Loxy would enter.
“Really? You’re too busy eating ice cream and watching movies to take your shift?” Loxy asked.
“I am kind of having an off day,” I said.
“And I am not?” Loxy asked. “And what about the crew? Do you know how the crew is doing?”
I had no clue how busy my ship is or what kind of day the individuals were having. I mean, sure, there is the big stuff that most people are privy, too, and even in that, this day was busier than most in terms of tracking incoming challenges that required command staff level
attention, and lots of little stuff like going through the data the probers were sending. But that stuff, that was just lights on a Christmas tree. It struck me that given the repetitious nature of my cycling, I had an opportunity to discover just how everyone’s day was going on an individual level, but I was going to have to get out of my own head. The only thing I can say is, Thai television dramas have nothing on my level of drama.
“What’s going on with the crew?” I asked.
“For starters, the Captain is not doing his job,” Loxy said.
Fair enough. I got up and put the ice cream in the replicator, and it recycled the pint and the spoon and everything.
“You’re absolutely right,” I said. “Do you love me?” Loxy asked.
I nearly hesitated. “Yes. Have I done something to make you think otherwise?” I asked. “It’s been like 48 hours since we slept with each other,” Loxy said.
Oh. Um, well, I hadn’t contextualized it in that way. I embraced her. “Allow me to make it up to you,” I said.
She accepted the kiss, but was clearly not ready to ‘play.’ “Would you marry me?” Loxy asked.
I so didn’t see that coming, and maybe I was tracking too much already, and at any rate, I clearly hesitated, and went into analytical mode.
“OMG, John,” Loxy said, pushing me away from her. “It’s a simple question, yes or no.”
“No,” I said, meaning to follow it with, “It’s not a simple question…”
Loxy turned to leave and I went and take her hand but she turned and pointed at me. “Don’t touch me.”
“Wait,” I said. “Let me finish.”
“I think we are,” Loxy said.
“Loxy, it’s not a simple question, and I am not saying ‘no’ to marriage, I am just trying to understand where this coming from?”
“What’s to understand? You have clearly communicated your feelings?” Loxy said.
“I haven’t even begun to process my feelings and you’re jumping to conclusions about feeling I haven’t even sorted yet,” I said.
“You’re raising your voice,” Loxy said. “Yeah, because you’re not hearing me?”
“Oh?! I am not hearing you?! So this is my fault?” Loxy asked. “That’s not what I am saying,” I said.
Loxy took my hand, forcefully, and led me out the door and marched us down the corridor and into Rossi office. Rossi put down her book, and seemed more perturbed than curious about the interruption.
“We need your help sorting something,” Loxy said. “I don’t do group counseling,” Rossi said.
“Good, because this is not that,” Loxy said.
“I don’t do couples counseling, either,” Rossi said. “And, there’s multiple levels of conflicts of interest and ethical considerations…”
“Yeah, well, I asked John to marry me and he said no,” Loxy said.
“I didn’t say no to marriage, I was saying no, it’s not a simple yes or no question,” I said. “You still haven’t said ‘yes,’ either,” Loxy pointed out.
“I am still sorting out what’s going on here,” I said.
“There’s nothing going on here! That’s my point. You haven’t touched me in two days. Is it because you’re getting it somewhere else?”
“Loxy, I am not getting anything at the moment…” I began.
“You think marriage will block you from getting strange?” Loxy asked. “I didn’t block you from getting strange when I was in your head, in fact, I dare say I helped you on several occasion because you were too daft to realize someone was coming on to you till I pointed it out.”
“I am so not worried about the ramifications to my social life,” I said. “Do you think I would be sharing quarters with you if I was worried about that?”
“So, you don’t want to share quarters with me?”
“OMG, Loxy, you’re being unreasonable with your conclusions…”
“So, now I am unreasonable?!”
Rossi raised both her hands, bringing our attention to her. She was standing. I don’t remember her standing up. Rossi waited to make sure we were quiet and listening.
“Okay, thank you,” Rossi said.
Loxy turned back to me. “And that reminds me, you married that Jenny chick.”
“It wasn’t a real marriage,” I said.
“Then give me a fake marriage. I am just a fake person to you anyway. Someone you made up because you couldn’t hold a real relationship,” Loxy said.
OMG. My hands were trembling with anger. I withdrew so far into myself emotionally, that I nearly went away physically.
“Don’t you dare run away from this,” Loxy said, pushing on my chest. “You always do this. You said I wasn’t listening, so here we are in front of the counselor in a safe place, so start talking.”
I raised my hands in ‘I surrender.’ “I can’t speak right now.”
“Don’t give me that. If you can speak to her,” Loxy said, pointing at Rossi. “You can speak to me. You can even speak to me in front of her. You have been shutting me out ever since we were separated and now you can’t even make a commitment to us.”
“Is that what this is about?” Rossi asked, so softly and gently that I didn’t believe it was my counselor, because she never gave me soft and sweet. “You’re feeling some insecurity being out on your own in the real world.”
“You stay out of this,” Loxy snapped. “Stay out of my head.”
“Nice,” Rossi said. “You came into my office, Loxy. How did you imagine I might help?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t had time to think this all through,” Loxy said.
“Do you suppose that maybe John is also just trying to think it through?” Rossi asked. “Yeah, of course, you’re going to take his side,” Loxy said.
“Yep. He is my client and I am bias, and I am trying not to be, and I did inform you I don’t do couples, and one of the ethical problems of seeing you as a couple after I have seen him as an individual means I might not be as fair to you as a couple because I am bias towards him,”
Rossi said. “However, you have both come and emotionally vomited all over my room, and I have this crap on me and I am having an emotional response to both of you. Which brings us to the next level of ethical problems. You’re both my commanding officers and you want me to referee a complex relationship decision. I would like to refer you both to a civilian counselor.”
“You’re involved now,” Loxy said.
“I am having an emotional response to that, too,” Rossi said.
“Fine,” Loxy said. “Looks like you found the right counselor, John. Limited ability to engage.”
Loxy stormed out of the room. I was still trying to channel peace and love and not chase after that energy. It felt like a storm. One of those popcorn, thunderstorms Dallas is known to have spring up out of nowhere and be gone just as quick.
“You want to talk about it?” Rossi asked, breaking the silence.
“I still don’t know what it is I am talking about,” I said, and left the room.
The rest of the day was colored by this and when I finally retired, it was alone, dwelling, and watching the clock, and I did eventually drift, because the next thing I knew was I had arrived back at set point, walking into the shield.
“Oh, fuck!” I said. Fast forward to where Loxy and I were alone in the corridor. I took her hand, and drew her to the side, allowing others to pass, and asked: “Loxy, would you marry me.”
Loxy laughed. Mind you, she has never laughed at my jokes, or with me or at me. She was laughing so hard she was holding her stomach. Tears came out her eyes. If she had been drinking chocolate milk, she would have snorted chocolate. She put a hand on my arm.
“Thank you,” Loxy finally managed. “That’s the funniest thing I ever heard you say.”
Loxy took my hand and led me towards the lift, I presume to take me back to our quarters for a round of intimacy.
“I am confused,” I said, entering the lift with her. “I thought you wanted to get married.”
“Whatever gave you that idea?” Loxy asked.
“You?” I asked. “Really?” Loxy asked.
The lift stopped on the next floor and Rossi was there. We backed up giving her room.
She didn’t get in.
“I’ll wait for the next left,” Rossi said. “Don’t be silly,” Loxy said, waving her in.
Rossi clearly had second thoughts, sensing something was up, but entered anyway, as we were headed towards the same floor. Rossi turned to face the door.
“Wait a minute,” Loxy said, perturbed. Rossi turned back wondering if Loxy was addressing her. “Hold the lift. Now I am confused. You’re asking me to marry you because you think I want to be married, not because you want to marry me?’
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to,” I said.
“I think you should wait till you are in private to discuss this,” Rossi said.
“No!” Loxy said, pointing at her but looking at me. “You’re his counselor and you’re going to end up hearing about this anyway, and so you might as well experience it firsthand so there’s no confusion or misrepresentation.”
“Um,” Rossi said.
“Why do you want to get married all of sudden?” Loxy asked. “I don’t,” I said.
“Then why are you asking me?” Loxy asked.
“No, I don’t want to get married all of a sudden,” I corrected myself.
“Why do you want to ruin what we have? You’re afraid I am going to cheat? Now that I am out of your head and out of your control?!” Loxy asked.
“I am so not worried about that,” I said.
“Good because, if I am using the term correctly, that would be you projecting,” Loxy said.
“I am going to resume the lift now,” Rossi said.
“Don’t you dare,” Loxy said. Back to me. “Oh, wait another minute. You’re not worried because you don’t think I will? You don’t think I get other offers?”
“You’re an adult, you can do what you want,” I said.
“Oh, it’s like that. So, you’re wanting me to hook up with others in order to ease your conscious about you wanting to hook up with others?”
“No,” I said.
“Don’t tell me no. I see the way you look at the furrybrites,” Loxy said.
“I am not denying I am interested in furrybrites or other females in general,” I said.
“So, what are you saying no to this time?” Loxy asked.
“I don’t even know any more,” I said.
“I swear, talking to you has become nightmare now that I am out of your head,” Loxy said. “Computer, next floor!”
The door open and she pushed out past Rossi. Rossi debated departing the lift, too, but hesitated too long and the lift continued up. She stared at the door. I almost expected her to comment on our ‘bypassing,’ which has seemed to increase in frequency since Loxy and I had been ‘separated.’ We arrived at our floor. Rossi walked away, while I remained in the lift. The door remained opened, and a chime prompted me to make a decision. Two others entered and since I was already in the rear of the lift, they assumed I had made room for them.
“What floor, Sir?”
“Um, same as yours,” I said.
“Oh, okay, deck 8,” he said.
It was an uncomfortable trip, as apparently I was in a mood and affecting the energy and their conversation had halted due to my presence. Also, I didn’t really want to be on deck 8, but because I had said it, I had to make a pretense to get out on deck 8, and ended up walking around.
Somewhere between set point and 16:22. Loxy comes up with the idea that she wants to get married. I have no clue what that event is. Even when the next 16:22 came around and she proposed and I gave an enthusiastic yes, apparently it was too enthusiastic and she didn’t believe it. It was almost like I was set up to loose.