Chapter 7
As Jon headed back towards the gym, a man in a wheelchair called out to him. Jon stopped his advance and approached the elderly man sitting near an alley. The man’s shades were just dark enough you had to concentrate to catch his eyes. Sitting in his lap was the strangest animal he had ever seen, stark yellow with black lines.
“Can you help a veteran out?” the man asked.
“Maybe,” Jon said. “I could use the experience. Do you have errand you need run? Groceries that need bought?”
“Oh, nothing so strenuous,” the man said.
Jon blinked. “Do I know you?”
“I don’t think so. Have you ever bought a Pokémon from me before?” he asked.
“No,” Jon said.
“Oh, great, then do I ever have a deal for you,” the man began.
“Wait wait wait,” Jon said. “I do know you. I don’t know how I know you, but I do know you. Your name is Stanly.”
“No, it’s Stan Lee,” the man said.
“That’s what I said,” Jon said. “Stanly.”
“Stan Lee,” Stan corrected.
“Stanly,” Jon repeated.
“OMG, do I have to spell it out for you?” Stan asked. “It’s not like we’re speaking Thai, here.”
“OMG, Thai is so difficult!” Jon said.
“Well, of course it is,” Stan said.
“You know about Thai?” Jon asked.
“Of course. I know the languages of over a thousand planets,” Stan said. “I vacationed on planet Thai a few years back, staying just long enough to master the language, but not long enough to have a criminal record.”
“Wow,” Jon said. “So why is Thai so difficult?”
“It isn’t,” Stan said.
“But you just agreed with me it was,” Jon pointed it out.
“Well, of course it is for us,” Stan said. “But any baby can learn Thai.”
“So, you’re saying I am stupid?” Jon asked.
“I would never sell a Pokémon to someone who was stupid,” Stan said.
“Then why is Thai so difficult?” Jon asked.
“Why are we talking about Thai instead of Pokémon?” Stan asked. “Is there something wrong with you, kid?”
“Why are you calling me kid?” Jon asked.
“Because, you’re younger than me,” Stan said.
“Oh,” Jon said, agreeing that made sense. “But why is Thai so difficult?”
“OMG, you just won’t let things go. Which means, you’ll be a great Pokémon trainer one day. Look, kid, part of it is because you’re a Westerner. Thai is a tonal language, and your Western ears hasn’t learned to sort the subtle inflections and variations in phonetics. This is similar to why most Asians can’t use the consonant ‘L.’ The other reason, well, I hate to say it, is because you’re an American.”
“How did you know?” Jon asked.
“Because I am an American,” Stan said.
“You are?!” Jon asked, his eyes getting big. He felt like he was meeting a long lost brother while traveling abroad.
“Well, of course I am,” Stan said. “I am probably the most patriotic American in this entire world.”
“How many Americans are here?”
“Yeah, well, we don’t have good intel on that,” Stan said. “Not the point, and we’re getting away from my goal, I mean, the reason I called you over.”
“But why do Americans in general have problems learning Thai?” Jon persisted.
“OMG, kid, give it a rest,” Stan said.
“But I want to understand,” Jon insisted.
“It’s not just Thai. Americans struggle with all languages, even their own native language,” Stan said. “I hate to squash your idealism, kid, but Americans tend to be pretty arrogant. They think everyone should learn English, and not just Standard English, but their own variety of English, and if you don’t know the colloquialisms, you get ostracized.”
“You mean that feeling I get when people don’t get my jokes is reall y a sense of superiority and social blocking to prevent developing deeper ties with others?” Jon asked.
“Let me guess, you’re Team Mystique,” Stan said. “I can’t address how you are with your friends, but I can say, definitively you as an American automatically have a higher percentage of arrogance than any other nation because it’s built into the social facts of your creation myth. Never mind the facts. America has not been a fact based country since Ben got his kite hit by lightning. No one is more arrogant than Americans, with except maybe the French. The Americans and the French have had a long, hard love affair.”
“Those sound like fighting words,” Jon said.
“I am not challenging you to a Pokémon match,” Stan said, holding his hands up. “I am just making an observation. The fact that you feel like fighting is very clear that I have hit or minimally tickled your patriotic bone. And it’s good to be patriotic. Why, some of my very best friends where the flag like a uniform.”
“Wow,” Jon said. “So, how did you come to be here?”
“How does anyone come to be here?” Stan asked.
“Oh, by a Poké ball?” Jon asked.
“A spaceship!” Stan said.
“Really?!” Jon asked. “Like, you were abducted by aliens as a kid and forced to become a thief and now you’re defending this planet with a modified, talking Zigzagoon and you call yourselves the Guardians?”
“No, that wasn’t me,” Stan said. “And we’re now way off topic.”
“But this is how real people talk. Wait wait wait. If it wasn’t a UFO abduction, what spaceship?” Jon persisted. “Wait wait wait, I got this, you’re a veteran, an American, and… Oh! You’re part of America’s Stargate program, and you spent your life staring at Skiddo, remote viewing, and using portals to travel between planets?”
“No, I wasn’t part of that,” Stan said.
“Oh. Too bad, cause I wanted to know about that. Wait wait wait, you’re telling me you’re part of the secret American agency that has put troops in space and that’s how you became a veteran?”
“OMG enough! What planet are you from?!” Stan asked.
“From Earth, just like you,” Jon said.
“We are clearly are not from the same planet,” Stan said.
“But we’re both Americans,” Jon said.
“I hate to break this to you, kid, but there is more than one America,” Stan said. “There is idealized version of America for every immigrant, for every success story and for every failure story”
“Oh, like there is more than one Earth?” Jon asked.
“How old are you?” Stan asked.
“People keep asking me that and I don’t have answer,” Jon said.
Stan sighed. “Look, my Earth was destroyed,” Stan began.
“OMG? Like by warring gods, using super heroes and villains like avatars, until the world and all its citizens were crushed or enslaved?” Jon asked.
“Have you been reading my graphic novels?” Stan asked.
“You sell graphic novels?!” Jon asked.
“Not here. People only have an eye for Pokémon,” Stan said.
“You could write graphic novels about Pokémon!” Jon said.
“Can we stay focused here?! I need your help,” Stan said.
“Because your world was destroyed and you’re all alone in this world?” Jon asked.
“My world was destroyed by two, petty magicians, apparently father and son,” Stan said.
“Like Luke and Vader?” Jon asked.
“I thought you knew who I was?!” Stan said, exhausted.
“Stanly,” Jon said.
“STAN LEE!” Stan snapped.
“Oh,” Jon said. “So, how can I help you, Stanly?”
Stan took off his shades, rubbed his eyes, regrouped his thoughts, and pushed for closing the deal. “Look, I am barely making ends meet and I can’t get around like I use to for competing. My Pikachu here needs a trainer. You look like a good, kind trainer.”
“You want to trade?” Jon asked.
“No, no, no,” Stan said. “I am trying to get out of the Pokémon training business and back to graphic novel writing. But seriously, I can’t do that knowing my Pikachu here is suffering. I want you to buy my Pikachu.”
“I don’t know. I don’t really have any money of my own,” Jon said.
“Buy this Pokémon, and I guarantee you, you will earn all of your money back defeating the local gym,” Stan said.
“Umm, well, Mentos did say having a Pikachu would guarantee a win,” Jon said.
“See, this Mentos fellow sounds like he knows his Pokémon,” Stan said.
“And he would certainly like to have a Pikachu of his own, and he would probably spend his money on it,” Jon considered out loud.
“That’s right. Any smart trainer would bet on Pikachu. Buy this, win the money back, and then you can give this to your friend as a gift or a trade,” Stan said.
“Okay!” Jon said, sorting out the money from his bag. “It’s a deal. You’re one swell fellow, Sir. I am glad we met. Maybe you would like to come with me and we could be like one happy family after I clear the gym?”
“I only do cameos, son,” Stan said.
“What?” Jon asked, sorting as Stan helped himself to some cash and pocketed it, sleight of hand style.
“You were going to pay me?” Stan asked.
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Jon said, sorting more cash. “Oh, I was saying, you should join me and meet my friends, maybe travel with us.”
“That sounds lovely,” Stan said, his eyes having grown to accommodate how much money Jon was carrying. “But my arms get tired.”
“I could push you?” Jon said.
“You are kind of pushy, aren’t you? But it’s time for my nap,” Stan said.
“Oh, okay then,” Jon said.
Jon gave Stan the money and accepted the animal in his lap. He carried him off, petting him, talking about how nice it was to have him in his growing entourage of Pokémon. Jon didn’t see Stan get out of the chair and scurry off into the alley.
If Jon had had a narrator, there is no telling what sort insight might be shared. No doubt there would be a few puns thrown in for good measure. There would be evidence that Jon might be in serious trouble with his friends, but to minimize it, the narrators spun off into their own commentary, replete with puns and moronic jokes. Waylon Jennings tried to start the intro to this scene, but just ended up singing a song about ‘good ol boys.’ Willy Nelson tried to take over, keeping his friend Waylon straight, but decided to join the song, which Waylon and he fought, because Waylon was pushing ownership for ‘his’ song, so Willy invited him to sing the Highwaymen song, as it seemed more appropriate anyway, and then Jon unconsciously switched channels, because he wasn’t consciously ready for the reality that he had just done something stupid. The next channel Morgan Freeman was offering great insight, but then got lost in some Civil War poetry, and the channel changed again. Jon paused as if sorting something out about the Universe. What if everyone reading a book was auditioning to be a narrator? It was such a peculiar thought he felt compelled to write it, but the Pikachu he was carrying licked him and he was properly loved and distracted that he lost his train of thought, just has David Tennant was picking up his story. David is actually pretty fair narrator, but even his report of his friends worry as they looked for Jon after the gym match, followed by their relief when they saw him coming down the street, failed to capture all the nuances and exchanges in the reunion.
“We were worried you got lost!” Reese said.
“Did you catch any new Pokémon?” Mentos asked.
“You look really happy,” Loxy said.
“Oh, I am like on top of the world,” Jon said. “I bought us a Pikachu!” Jon said.
“From whom?” Reese asked.
“From where?” Loxy asked.
“With what money?” Mentos asked.
“Don’t worry. Once I beat this gym, I will replace all your money,” Jon assured them.
Loxy frowned and put her hands on her hips. That one gesture of her could turn her into Wonder Woman or Almighty Isis without spinning and flaring her dress. She had power.
“You idiot,” Mentos said, assumedly echoing Loxy’s position.
“Oh, be nice. You’re the one who filled his head about the virtues of Pikachu,” Reese said. “He was just trying to help.”
“Why are you always doting on stupid men?” Mentos demanded from his sister.
“I don’t understand,” Jon said. “I thought you would be happy with a Pikachu. And that old man really needed help, and that’s what we do here, right? We help people?”
“Did it ever occur to you, Jon, that some people lie?” Loxy asked.
“Lie? Lie about what?” Jon asked.
“Show us this damn Pikachu!” Mentos said.
“Right here,” Jon said, a little confused.
Jon extended his arms to show off the animal he was holding. There was a bit of whirlwind and he suddenly found himself handcuffed and an attractive officer holding his arm.
“Finally! You’re swindling days are over, old man,” Officer Jenny said.
“You’re really pretty,” Jon said, not at all worried by the fact he was handcuffed.
“Officer, Jenny,” Loxy said. “I think there’s been a mistake.”
“I’d say!” Jenny said. “Pushy puppies painted as Pikachu is a crime in my book.”
“Puppies?” Jon asked.
“Don’t play stupid with me, Sir,” Jenny said.
“He’s not playing,” Mentos said.
“Really, Officer Jenny,” Reese tried. “He is our friend.”
“Your friend, eh?” Jenny said. “Then all of you are coming with me!”
“He’s not my friend,” Mentos said quickly. “Never saw before.”
“Oh, so you were a victim of the Pikachu puppy pushing person, too?” Jenny said. “I will need you to come with me and sign some forms. Just one more nail going on your coffin. Nails must be hammered down. They don’t call me Jenny the Hammer for nothing.”
“You’re going to kill me?” Jon asked.
“No, it’s just a saying,” Jenny said.
“I don’t like that saying,” Jon said.
“And I don’t like how you mistreat animals,” Jenny said.
“I would never mistreat an animal!” Jon said. “I love animals.”
“Then explain why you force this dog into a puppy suit and make him part of your swindling act?” Jenny said.
“It’s a puppy?” Loxy asked.
Jenny pinched the ‘puppies’ cheeks with both hands. “It is on there pretty good, but I assure you, this is no puppy or Pikachu. It’s probably the oldest dog trick in the world, using the oldest dog in the world. But no more tangents, let’s go. All of you! We’re going to sort this out at the station.”
Do you need a narrator to inform you that they’re now ‘back at the station’ when we really haven’t even had a full segment before breaking away to commercials? And did you need a commercial about all the different kinds of Poké balls available? And did you need another narrator asking you to ‘catch them all?’ Talk about marketing! Next they’ll be pushing cool Pokémon cards, and special coins, and, well, who knows what, like maybe bundles of stuff that they couldn’t sell but with one cool Pikachu to make it happen?!
In the background of the station, Jenny clones answered phone calls, sorted through mysteries, inventoried lost and found, identified lost Pokémon and called their trainers, finger printed folks, and put pins on a map correlating to alleged Pokémon sightings. Jon and his friends were lined up and photographed together, while simultaneously being videotaped. Through the window, the puppy in a suit painted to resemble Pikachu looked like a puppy, but on the video feed and in the picture, he looked like a seriously old Labrador retriever, on his last legs. Jon was separated from his friends and thrown into cell. But he was not alone. Two others were present and they became animated on his arrival. They were females in shiny, silvery dresses, dark but sparkly hose, with long, dark, blocked hair style, and unreal colored eyes, and even without the matching uniform like outfit, they might have passed for sisters, but not necessarily twins. They scrutinized him.
“So, what did Jenny get you for, old man?” one of the girls said.
“Umm, nothing. It’s all kind of a misunderstanding. And you?” Jon asked.
“The same,” one of them said.
“Yeah, mention you’re team Rocket and they automatically bring you in for questioning, assuming you’re up to no good,” the other said.
“Oh, I think I saw your advertisement in the store,” Jon said.
“Ah, so you know our motto,” she said.
“Motto?” Jon asked.
“Prepare for trouble!” one said, as they both approached Jon.
“That seems sensible,” Jon said, sorting it, but a little worried about how they were circling him. “But, wait wait wait, is that like a general warning that people should be looking for trouble, or is that kind of like a subtle threat that you’re about to cause me harm?”
The other touched Jon’s cheek. “We like to leave that vague, so it could be either,” she said. “Prepare for trouble, and make it double.”
“Kind of like the double mint commercial?” Jon asked.
“Don’t know what you’re talking about, dear,” the other said.
“To protect the world from devastation!” the other said.
“Oh! Well, I really like that part,” Jon said. “So, even if you were as bad as you’re coming across, you really are just trying to do good!”
“Of course,” one said.
“You understand,” the twin said. “Sometimes you have to be bad to be good.”
“And we can be really bad,” the other said. “To unite all people within our nation.”
“I like that, too,” Jon said. “Can I join Team Rocket?”
“You should hear our full motto first,” the other said. “Some people have a real hang up on the next part: To denounce the evils of truth and love.”
Jon seemed seriously confused. “You’re going to have to break that one down for me.”
“Gladly,” the one said. “The world isn’t just sunshine and puppies, kids! The powers that be go around pushing Pokémon love and putting gullible Joy and Jenny clones in places of authority, but in truth, there are some serious problems in the world.”
“And we love our world,” the other said. “Is it our fault that the rest of the world doesn’t share our vision? Human populations are dwindling. Pokémon populations are growing exponentially. The world is facing a serious extinction level event.”
“Really?”
“Do you really think that catching 500 small Rattatas is just all about earning the badge?” the other said. “Seriously. The authorities know they have a rodent problem, but instead of telling people the truth, they make it about the love of catching Pokémon, but really it’s their way of trying to keep up with the Rattata population explosion.”
“And with fewer children being born, that means fewer trainers coming online, which means, eventually, the Pokémon will over run the humans,” the other said. “But to continue: to extend our reach to the stars above.”
“Oh, I really love that,” Jon said. “I so want to go the stars.”
“Then you should definitely join us,” the other said.
“I am Jackie,” the first said.
“I am Jacey,” the second said. “Team Rocket, at your service!”
“It’s really nice to meet you,” Jon said, offering his hand for shaking. “I am Jon.”
“Oh, I love names with J’s,” Jacey said.
“Me, too,” Jacky said. “But we will need more than a hand shake if you want to join us.”
“What must I do?” Jon asked.
Jacky pushed into him, her hands on his chest, and Jacey prevented him from retreating.
“You seriously want to join us?”
Jon eyes were big, as if frightened. He nodded.
“Do the test,” Jacey said.
Jacky kissed Jon and inhaled all of his air and left him stupefied. Jacky retreated.
“I have never seen someone so entranced and so quickly,” Jacey said. “It’s almost like he’s a Pokémon.”
“He tastes like Pokémon,” Jacky said.
“Really?” Jacey asked. She took a turn for herself. Jon surrendered to her kiss just as easily. “He even kisses like a Pokémon.”
“I think he will do just fine,” Jacky said.
“He will do whatever we say!” Jacey said.
Jenny entered. “You two, Team Rocket, you’re free to go!”
“Whoo hoo!” Jacky said, rushing the door.
“See you around, old man,” Jacey said.
Jon started to cry. “But, what about me?”
“You dug your own grave, Sir,” Jacky said.
“But, I want to go to the stars!”
“That’s the spirit!” Jacey said. “Keep that in your heart and you will go places. By now.” Jon pouted. Jenny seemed sympathetic.
“You should really be careful about the types of friends you keep,” Jenny said, and closed the cell door.
Jon sat down on the one bench, trying to sort his experiences and his feelings. Jenny entered again, assuming it was the last Jenny. Technically, whether it was his original arresting Jenny, or the one who had put him in the cell, or the last one to open the cell door, ‘again’ was still applicable, considering it was still ‘Jenny.’ She led him to an interrogation room where he was handcuffed to the table. Jenny sat in front in of him. Another Jenny stood near the door, watching. He was fairly certain, just on the other side of the mirror there was another Jenny or two watching.
“Your eyes are dilated,” Jenny observed. “Have you been doing drugs?”
“Oh, no, mam,” Jon said. “It’s just that, you’re really beautiful.”
“I am sure you say that to all my sisters,” Jenny said. “Try and stay focused. This is serious.”
“Oh, I am always very serious,” Jon assured her.
“Aren’t you a little old…” the other Jenny asked.
“To be looking at Jenny like this?” Jon asked.
“No,” Jenny said. “I would be happy if you looked at me like you look at my sister.”
“Well, she did handcuff me,” Jon said. “And that is kind of hot, and I thought you were about to sing to me, like a kisagram.”
“Oh, that’s my sister, the detective. She does random moonlighting for extra Poké cash,” Jenny said.
“So, it’s not a crime to look at you?” Jon asked.
“Of course not,” both Jenny said. “I kind of like it, actually,” Jenny said.
“You’d be surprise how many people pretend not to look at us, because we’re like authority, and so seeing you not suddenly looking away is kind of refreshing,” Jenny said. “It’s very hard for a girl in authority to get noticed these days.”
“Sometimes, it gets old, though. The other day my sister’s husband kissed me and when I told him I wasn’t Jenny and he pretended like he couldn’t tell,” Jenny said.
“Oh, he did that to me, too!” Jenny said.
“What did you do?” Jenny asked.
“Oh, we took him to the hospital to make sure he wasn’t suffering from dementia,” Jenny said.
“Is he okay?” Jenny asked.
“Yeah, it turned out it was just a mistake, so we forgave him,” Jenny said.
“Oh, that’s nice,” Jenny said. “Anyway, back to you, Sir. Aren’t you too old to be in a life crime?”
“I am really not…” Jon began.
“Sir, don’t lie to me,” Jenny said. “Tell me about this Stark Company you work for?”
“Stark?” Jon asked.
“Don’t play stupid, either,” Jenny pointed at Jon. “We logged into your dog’s puppy suit via wireless tech and discovered it was made by Stark Industries.”
“Really?!” Jon asked.
“So, you deny knowing anything about that?” Jenny asked.
Jon looked to Jenny one and then Jenny two. He gave a faint smile and shrugged. Jenny slapped the table. Jon jumped.
“You want to know what I think?” Jenny asked.
Jon nodded.
“I think, you are working for Stark, testing the power puppy suits to see how they hold up against real Pokémon,” Jenny said. Jon’s mouth opened. “You think dogs are easier to train, so you will do anything to take short cuts. And maybe your puppy power suit can make an old dog do new tricks, give it the energy and stamina of a puppy, but I find it cruel and unusual punishment to lock it in a suit and put it in a ring to fight.”
“Wait wait wait,” Jon said, sorting this. “You’re not okay with dog fights, but Pokémon fighting is okay?”
“Don’t get smart with me!” Jenny said.
“I am really confused. While a go you said don’t play stupid, but now you don’t want me to get smart, and I don’t anything about the Stark Industries except I really like Robert Downey Jr. as an actor,” Jon cried.
Jenny crossed their arms. Jon tried to stop himself from crying, sucking air.
“Don’t think crying is going to get you out of trouble, Mr.,” Jenny said. “I am going to give you one chance to prove your innocence.”
“You want me to kiss you?” Jon asked.
“What? No! Why would you ask that?” Jenny asked.
“Because, that’s what Team Rocket wanted,” Jon said.
“Oh, we know what Team Rocket wants,” Jenny said.
“What?” Jon asked.
“What what?” Jenny asked.
“What does Team Rocket want?” Jon asked.
“How old are you?” Jenny asked.
“I don’t know?!” Jon wailed again.
“OMG, you are such a big baby,” Jenny said. “Look, you want to prove your innocent, you have to help me catch the guy who sold you the dog in the Pikachu puppy Pokémon power suit.”
Jon sniffed and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I don’t think that’s possible,” Jon said.
“Why not?” Jenny asked.
“He said he only does cameos,” Jon said.
“What does that mean?” Jenny asked.
“I think that means we only see him once,” Jon said.
“Well, then, I guess it’s up the river for you,” Jenny said.
“Will there be other Jenny’s at the jail?” Jon asked.
“Of course,” Jenny said. “Who do you think run’s the jail?”
“Will you let my friends go? They had nothing to do with my stupidity,” Jon said.
“So, you admit to the crime?” Jenny asked.
“No, but they did ask me to hold their money while they went into scope out the jail, and I spent that money buying what I thought was the Pikachu,” Jon said.
“So, you admit that you were trying to cheat the gym out of money?!” Jenny said.
“That’s not cheating,” Jon said. “They could have put it in the bank, but instead they asked me to hold it.”
“True enough,” Jenny said. “I will forget I heard that, but you and Chester are taking me to where this alleged purchase happened.”
“Who’s Chester?” Jon asked.
“The name of your dog,” Jenny said.
“It is?” Jon asked.
“According to the suit,” Jenny said. She unlocked his handcuff. “You, me, and the dog, are going undercover to catch the great Pikachu swindler, but if you try anything funny, try to get away, I will send your friends up river for a very long time.”
“I assure you, I will not do anything funny,” Jon said. “No one gets my jokes here anyway.”
“Good, I am going to change into a disguise and will be right back with Chester,” Jenny said. “Keep an eye on him, Sis.”
“Gladly,” Jenny said, sitting on the table and staring at Jon. His eyes fell to her knees.
“Don’t even think about it.”
“What?” Jon asked.
“I’ve got your number, Sir,” Jenny said, pushing on his chest with a boot, tilting the chair back as if she intended to tip him.
“You do?” Jon asked.
“867-5309,” Jenny said.
“I thought that was your number?” Jon said.
Jenny returned with Chester, and was wearing exactly what she had on when she departed, with one addition. Can you spot the addition, or the change, in the still shot before she announces what’s different?
“I thought you were going to change?” Jon asked.
“I did,” Jenny said.
“You did?” Jon asked, confused.
“You can’t tell?” Jenny on the table asked.
“He’s just not a trained officer,” Jenny with Chester said. “Guess, what’s different.”
“You changed your underwear?” Jon asked.
“Good guess, and you should do that daily, but nope,” Jenny said. “Come on, hurry