Chapter 3
As Loxy led Jon, she was talking excitedly about Pokémon, explaining how most people receive their first Pokémon as a gift from another Trainer or family member, but that she was going to do him better by teaching him how to catch a Pokémon without pre-owning one. She was rambling so fast with excitement, he hadn’t really paid attention to the building they were entering until they had entered. Loxy brought Jon through the doors of the Tamamushi Department Store, the largest store in the Kanto region. At first, he didn’t understand what he was seeing. He thought the potions were perfumes or lotions for people, not antidotes for various Pokémon conditions. The stores displays were bright with recessed lighting, and it felt like Christmas magic the way things sparked and glowed. She led him past stations, and kiosks, and upstairs towards trainer clothes. She started sorting things, holding them up to his chest, and putting it back. He couldn’t identify the music playing over the intercom. It was other worldly, perhaps Japanese or Korean. The music was interrupted with a chime and a lady announced: “Would the Trainer of the Clefairy please report to lost and found. Thank you.” The music resumed.
“I am really uncomfortable with you buying me stuff,” Jon said.
“You can pay me back with the money you win at gyms,” Loxy said.
“I am uncomfortable fighting Pokémon. That seems cruel,” Jon said.
Loxy paused and looked to Jon. “You care about the Pokémon?”
“Why wouldn’t I care about the Pokémon? I don’t have to know anything about them to care what happens to them,” Jon said. “I might steal food, but I am not a dick.”
Loxy smiled. “And you said I wouldn’t like you,” Loxy said. “Jon, be at peace. The Pokémon that like training and fighting will participate, and those that don’t won’t. It is the trainer’s job to know the difference and never put a Pokémon in a situation that would cause it undue stress. That said, both the Pokémon and the trainer need to be challenged. Only then will they grow as a team and as individuals.”
“I just can’t see myself fighting. I don’t want it harmed,” Jon said.
Loxy touched Jon’s face. “They’re pretty tough, Jon. Most trainers follow the rules.
Never hurt humans, never intentionally cause permanent damage, and stand down if the trainer taps out or the Pokémon passes out.”
He watched her as she sorted. He really did find her beautiful, and was trying to repress this feelings in him. They were strange feelings, feeling he had subtly experienced in his youth, but suddenly overwhelmingly real. He could recall the first time he had experienced this wanting. He was a first grader on a bus and the sixth grader sitting in front him was just impossible not to look away from, until the other sixth grade suitors beat the crap out of him. That was his first association with ‘love hurts.’ Loxy caught him looking at her and touched his arm, kindly.
Though she seemed to be kind about it, Jon needed to redirect his thoughts. “It doesn’t bother you that I admitted to stealing stuff?’
Loxy shrugged. “Stuff is stuff.”
“Really?” Jon asked.
Loxy looked up from her sorting. “Jon, I can only imagine what your world is like until you tell me, but you can’t steal stuff here, because everything is available to everyone. You can walk into a complete stranger’s home, sit down and have dinner with them, watch television, use the bathroom, take a nap on the couch, and all without repaying. Repaying them is nice, but not compulsory.”
“Really?” Jon asked.
“Oh, sure. Now, some people might ask what you’re doing in their home, but if you tell them you’re hungry, they will feed you,” Loxy said.
“But I could just take stuff and no one would care?” Jon said.
“If you ask, they’d probably give it to you, but if you just take it, well, they might miss it, some might chase you with Pokémon, but mostly, people will just think if you’re taking it, you have greater need than them and take pity on you,” Loxy said.
“What if I took their Pokémon?” Jon asked.
“That would be a crime, Sir,” Loxy said. “With huge penalties. But I would be very impressed if you could do that. The stories of people trying to steal Pokémon never work out. Of course, those stories could just be morality plays to encourage compliance with social norms.
Anyway, it’s better just to play by the rules.”
“This place is whacked,” Jon said.
“Aw, I love my world,” Loxy said. She handed him a set of clothes. “Here, go try these on, come out and let me see them.”
“Are you sure about this?” Jon asked.
“I am confused. You’re okay stealing, but not okay with a handout?”
Jon shrugged.
“Jon, I am sure,” she said, and pointed at her badge. “Team instinct.”
Jon went to try on the clothes. The worst part was getting past the full size mirror. He was not sure he liked this adult body. Ear hair, nose hair, longer eyelashes, and stubble made his skin feel rough… Was this what he would look like when he got old? He looked for kindness and confidence in his older self. Would this be a man he would be proud of? Would this man like his younger self? What if he went back through the device to Earth, would he age more? Come out in a coffin? He was resolute about not going back, but it was a valid concern. Loxy knocked on the door to see if he was okay. He hurried into his pants and opened the door. She laughed and handed him another pair to try on.
If this were a movie, this would be the montage dress scene, where the girl was usually trying on stuff, but instead, it was the old guy trying stuff, and he was pretty sure, if this was a movie and if he was in it, it was most likely a comedy by Shakespeare. This present montage certainly wasn’t “Girls Just want to Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper, though Jon would admit to liking that song, except in that movie ‘Night of the Comet’ where the scary guards with guns caught the girls. It didn’t occur to him that he might not ought to know about such a movie, but there were surprises yet to come, and the author apologizes in advance for his poor narration skills.
When all was said and done, Jon had a nice pair of sneakers, jeans, a pull over shirt, a great jacket, which seemed like an old military jacket left at a thrift store, and a unmarked baseball cap. Satisfied he was comfortably dressed for hiking, Loxy started sorting backpacks, but he found a bag that he liked. It looked like a mail bag from the show MASH.
“Really?” Loxy asked. “This one here has a variety of pockets, quick access ports…”
“I like this one,” Jon said.
Cheeka bit the bag and tried to pull it from Jon, empathizing with Loxy. Jon pulled back.
A tug a war ensued.
“It’s really old. Probably a medic bag from a previous era,” Loxy said.
“Cheeka!”
“I like this one,” Jon said, pointing at warningly at Cheeka. Cheeka narrowed her eyes and growled.
“Why? Does it feel magical? Like a bag of holding?” Loxy asked.
“They have those here?” Jon asked.
Loxy sorted her feelings about it and bowed. “If it calls to you, it calls to you. Let him have it, Cheeka. Come, let’s get you some balls.”
“I am not sure I like the way you said that,” Jon said.
Loxy patted him. She bought five regular old Poké Balls and he put them in his bag. The sign on the display said recycled.
“It sure is nice to see a daughter buying her dad something,” the cashier commented.
“He’s not my dad,” Loxy said.
“Oh,” the cashier said, confused at first. She smiled. “Oh, that’s even nicer. I totally support May to December romances. I hope when I am older and finally finished paying off my student loans that a younger fellow dotes on me.”
“We’re just friends,” Loxy assured her.
“Of course,” the cashier agreed. “I wish I had an older friend to care for, but between work and training Pokémon, I don’t really have time for a relationship.”
“Have you tried traveling?” Loxy asked. “Getting out and meeting people?”
“Oh, yeah, but I prefer staying settled and letting travelers come to me,” she said.
“Well, I appreciate someone serving us. Where are the Pokédexes?” Loxy asked.
“Oh, that’s over there,” the cashier said, leading Loxy by the arm.
Loxy sorted tech, and found a basic Pokedex/phone with options for upgrades. It was clearly a trade in from an older series. After the purchase, she put his phone number in her device and called him to make sure it was functioning and then updated his name on the tech so that he was in the system and so that his Pokémon would automatically register to him.
“How much does the service cost?”
“Uh?” Loxy said, looking up from the device.
“The service to use this?” Jon asked.
“Oh. All cellular, wireless, and computer network services are free,” Loxy said.
“Really?” Jon asked.
“It’s a standard, minimum service society needs in order to function, and therefore, it’s free. The initial tech can be pricey, which is probably why most people wait until gifted by a Professor. The state, stores, gyms, and schools pay to keep the services up and running,” Loxy said. “Come, let’s introduce you to the computer.”
“Let’s just go catch some Pokémon,” Jon said.
“Okay,” Loxy said, excited for his enthusiasm.
They left the department store and headed outside the city limits, all the while Loxy was explaining the process of catching Pokémon. Before too long, they were walking in high grass trying to flush out a common species, like Rattata or a Pidgey.
“Now, this is just my personal preference: I never throw a ball at an unsuspecting Pokémon,” Loxy continued. “They should be aware and facing you. If they hold their ground or charge you, that shows they have some spirit and might perform well. If they automatically flee, without any signs of confrontation, assume they are too young or simply not ready for life with a human.”
“So, I just push the button and throw it at any Pokémon?” Jon asked.
“Yep,” Loxy said.
They came into an area where the grass was shorter, as if it had been kept by a lawn keeper, and Loxy grabbed his arm. Jon tracked her eyes to a turtle with a flower budding from its shell. She motioned for him to be quiet. Near the river, there was a giant gold fish flopping on the shore.
“Fate couldn’t be kinder. Two Pokémon in the same area!” Loxy whispered. “I got the Bulbasaur. You take care of the Magikarp,” Loxy said, her eyes not leaving the Bulbasaur.
“Okay,” Jon said.
They went their separate ways. As Loxy approached the Bulbasaur, she spoke to it gently, drawing a ball from her bag. She released Cheeka, and the two Pokémon confronted each other. At first it was a lot of Pokémon chatter, but finally, the Bulbasaur charged, slapping Cheeka, and Cheeka seemed all shocked at first, but then slapped it back, and then the two were slapping each other with paws like a stereotypical ‘girl fight.’
“Now!” Loxy said.
Cheeka rolled out of the way as Loxy moved in forcing the Bulbasaur to take her seriously or flee, and it barked at her even as she tossed a catcher ball. There was a flash of light, and sparks wound around the space like stars following orbits and disappeared. Perhaps this atom smashing at its best. Loxy held her breath as the ball quivered on the ground. Then it was still. Then the light illuminated a soft green, rhythmically pulsing like a gentle heartbeat.
“Yeah!” Loxy jumped, arms up triumphantly.
Loxy ran and grabbed the ball. Cheeka ran around her feet excitedly. Loxy turned to see Jon was there and she rushed and hugged him.
“OMG, did you see that!” Loxy said. “I finally have six bulbasaurs!”
“You need six of the same Pokémon?” Jon asked.
“OMG, yeah,” Loxy said.
“Why?” Jon said.
“Isn’t it obvious? There is two genders, male and female, and there are three evolutionary states, allowing access to different trainable skill sets, so now I can have one of each stage!”
Loxy said. “But enough about me. How did your first catch go?”
“Catch?” Jon asked.
“Yeah, the Magikarp I told you to catch,” Loxy said.
“You didn’t say catch it. You said take care of it,” Jon said.
Loxy put her hands on her hip. Cheeka grunted. “What did you do to it?”
“I put it back in the river,” Jon said.
“OMG, Jon, how old are you?!” Loxy asked. “That was a level two Magikarp, something that would be really easy for a first catch without using another Pokémon to wear it down first.”
“Oh,” Jon said. “Was that dinner?”
“OMG, you didn’t just say that. We don’t eat Pokémon,” Loxy snapped.
Jon pulled the candy wrapper out of his pocket. “Then explain Pokémon Candy,” Jon said.
“Where did you get that?” Loxy asked.
“Someone gave me it. Said his bag was full. Which is odd, you wouldn’t think this would take up too much space, but I was hungry, and…” Jon was saying.
“Wait a minute! You ate that?” Loxy asked.
“Yeah,” Jon said.
Loxy’s face contorted through a series of expression of doubt, anger, frustration, curiosity, patience, compassion, and disgust. When she finally couldn’t contain it, it sounded something like:
“How old are you?! No, really! Pokémon Candy is not made from Pokémon, but merely informs you it is for Pokémon consumption. Like dog biscuits are for dogs. You do have dogs in your world, don’t you?”
“Of course we have dogs,” Jon said, sand then, afterthought, like a kid: “Do you?”
“Of course, what kind of backwards planet do you think we are? But I would think any world with dogs would also have Pokémon,” Loxy said. She forced herself to calm down and breathe. “Sit,” she instructed and sat on the ground, crossing her legs, crisscross apple sauce. When Jon sat in front of her, she scooted closer till their knees touch, and then she took his hand. Cheeka crawled in her lap and licked Jon’s wrists. “I am sorry I raised my voice. I understand you’re new here, but when I see you, I see an adult and I am confronted with some of my own bias. Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to learn how to be with you, how to hold patience and love.”
“I don’t know what to say…” Jon said.
“Don’t say anything,” Loxy said.
“I feel like I should say something,” Jon said. “I feel like I am on the verge of an epiphany. And I don’t even know what an epiphany is, I just know it’s coming, but more, and there is no confusion on this part, I am so grateful I met you.”
“What a nice thing to say,” Loxy said. “Now, let’s see if we can find you your first Pokémon.”
“Can a cat be a Pokémon?” Jon asked.
“No, cats are just cats,” Loxy said. “Unless it’s a Meow. Or a Persia. But those really aren’t cats, but might have been cats before becoming Pokémon.”
“So, I probably shouldn’t throw a ball at that cat over there?” Jon asked.
“What cat?” Loxy asked.
An Evee leapt from the bush Jon pointed at and growled.
“OMG,” Loxy whispered, grabbing Jon’s arm in excitement. “That’s not cat, Jon.”
“Looks like a cat,” Jon said.
“It doesn’t look anything like a cat,” Loxy said.
“So what does it look like to you?” Jon asked.
“An Evee,” Loxy said. “But I never seen one in this region before. It might be lost and hungry, which might make it more aggressive, and more suitable for training.”
“It looks exhausted,” Jon said.
“Yeah, which also makes it easier to catch,” Loxy said.
“Do you want it?” Jon asked.
Loxy shook her head yes, but then no. “We’re here for you. And that would be a great first Pokémon. Give it a go.”
Jon removed one of the Poké Balls from his belt, clicking it once to bring it to full size, which fascinated him to know end, wound up like a baseball player and threw it at the Evee, hitting it square in the forehead and knocking it out.
“OMG, Jon! You don’t throw it like you’re trying to kill it!” Loxy said. “You want to curve the ball and have it open just before hitting or over top of it or underneath!”
“You didn’t say that,” Jon said.
“Did you even the push the button?” Loxy asked.
“I forgot,” Jon said.
Loxy knelt down and petted the unconscious Evee.
Jon picked up the ball to examine it. “Is the Poké Balls recoverable?” Jon asked.
“Awww,” Joy said, accepting the Evee from Jon. “What happened to this little fellow?”
“Jon knocked him out,” Loxy said.
“Why would you do that?” Joy asked, crossly.
“It was an accident,” Jon said.
Joy scanned the creature, determined there was no permanent damage, and then proceeded to use some smelling salts. The Evee sprung from the table, bounced around the clinic, knocking things off shelves as it went from place to place. It knocked a plant over, and hunkered down in the corner, hissing and growling. Nurse Joy approached and it charged her and she retreated.
“You brought a wild Pokémon into my clinic?” Joy demanded.
“Quick, get your ball!” Loxy instructed.
Jon ignored her and approached the Evee. It charged at him, but Jon didn’t retreat.
Instead of attacking, it retreated back to the corner, a little surprised that the human didn’t flee.
Its hair raised and it spit like a cat.
“Shhh,” Jon said, kneeling down, holding a hand out and opened. “It’s okay. Want to go back outside?”
The Evee barked.
“Shhh, it’s okay,” Jon said. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
The Evee ran up and bit his hand, and when it did, Jon picked it up. It continued to chew fiercely on his hand, clawing his arm, like cat, primarily using its hind legs to inflict damage, but Jon sat down with it, and held it gently until it stop biting. It began licking the hand it was biting.
Jon removed the ball from his belt, pushed the button, and Evee went into the ball. The ball protested, wiggled, quieted, and the light illuminated a soft green.
“In all my life, I have never seen that tactic before,” Joy said.
Jon stood up, holding the ball.
“I got it,” Jon said.
“Your hand is bleeding,” Loxy said.
“Are you hurting?” Joy asked.
“Yep,” Jon said, still satisfied he caught his first Pokémon.
“Come here, let see your hand,” Joy said. She dragged it over the sink and began washing the wound.
“Ouch!” Jon protested.
“You can take an Evee bite but not a little soap and water?” the Nurse asked.
“My brother has ferrets,” Jon said. “I am use to getting bit.”
“You mean Furrets?” Joy asked.
“No, I mean ferrets,” Jon said.
Joy dried his hand and sprayed it with a medicine. Jon’s protesting became profanity and he jumped around the room, waving his hand.
“How old is he again?” Joy asked.
Loxy shrugged.
Jon and Loxy returned to the wilderness, where Loxy took him straight way to a pine tree. She began gathering pine cones, and he helped her, without asking the purpose. Loxy didn’t have to instruct him on how to pick up a fresh pine cone; if you grabbed it too hard, the spines poked you. The freshly fallen were chosen for their heaviness. Once a sufficient pile had been gathered, Loxy sat on a stone near the pile. The nearby river flowed so gently it was hardly noticeable by ear, but it had a peaceful lilac, ozone smell. A path of stones led across the river.
“Alright,” Loxy said. “Poké Balls can be expensive, but it’s our most important tool as a trainer. So, before we waste any more balls, you, Sir, need to learn to throw. Now, take up a pine cone, and gently land it on that first stepping stone in the river.”
“Is that how you learned to throw?” Jon asked.
“This is not about me, it’s about you,” Loxy said. “Let us begin.”
“But I want to learn the way you learned,” Jon said.
“You can’t learn the way I learned,” Loxy said.
“Why not?” Jon asked. “Because you throw like a girl?”
“OMG, of course I throw like a girl, I am a girl, and don’t you disparage a girl throwing like girl. Don’t even disparage a girl who throws like a boy, because people should be able to throw things without being labeled a girl or a boy,” Loxy said.
“Okay,” Jon said, humbly. “Umm, why can’t I learn the way you learned?”
“Because, well, I don’t know,” Loxy said, irritated. “Trust me. Instinct. Now, throw.”
A new montage began of Jon tossing pinecones at the step. It even had its own song”
“Let my love open door.” Of course, Jon and Loxy didn’t seem to hear it, but if you’re following Jon and Loxy through the Universe, you give up on trying to make things fit inside a box. Also, time is extremely ambiguous throughout the montage. Teaching Jon about Pokémon and about throwing might have taken days or weeks, or a few hours. Sometimes the Universe is not as consistent. Like the same hour feeling much longer when under a Dentist drilling, but much quicker when eating ice cream. Pinecones, on the other hand, are fairly consistent. Most of the pinecones bounced and went into the water.
In addition to throwing pinecones, scenes of him trying to catch a Pokémon were spliced in. Or scenes of him running from a Pokémon, like running from insect Pokémon, because, surprisingly, Jon is scared of insects, especially giant scary caterpillar and spider type Pokémon, which Loxy had no problem with, only love. There are lots of scenes with her and her hands on her hip as if asking him “How old are you,” as he hid behind trees and in trees, and Everest and Cheeka laughing. Scenes of Pokémon chasing both Loxy and Jon occurred, sometimes with Loxy taking his hand and encouraging him to run because he didn’t have the sense to run from a thing he should run from. For example, Jon ran several times because was just Everest playing, jumping out of bushes and scaring them; and then once it wasn’t Everest, but he didn’t run, and it cost him. Then, they were back to throwing Pinecones, with Loxy mirroring Jon, or guiding his hand through a throw. Jon biting his lip, distracted by Loxy. She patiently encouraged him to focus. There were scenes with their own Pokémon playing with each other and them. Loxy picked a four leaf clover and gave it to Jon. His Pokémon came up out of nowhere and ate it. They tried to get it back, but it ran and they chased, around a tree, and under their legs, so that Loxy and Jon ran into each other. They stared awkwardly at each other, with an almost kissing moment, but the sounds of a Pokémon retching, as if to get rid of a fur ball, drew them. Everest spit out the chewed up clover, recovers, runs to play in a field chasing butterflies. Butterflies chase Everest out of the field and back to cowering behind Jon’s legs.
This went on for most of the afternoon, or, again, days, stopping only for food. A Rattata presented itself, and Loxy had him try and catch it. It broke free and ran and he was disappointed to learn Poké Balls weren’t reusable, though Loxy assured him they were made of ecological friendly material, he didn’t seem satisfied. Still, they collected the parts to recycle back in town. Back to throwing pinecones until he finally landed one on the first stone, and then was instructed to place one on the next stone. By the time he had pinecones on all the stones, Loxy had invented the next advanced level of training. She took his cap, hung it delicately in a rose bush, and had him toss a pinecone into the hat without dislodging it. There were a variety of flowers around the rose bush, and she would position where he had to throw over the flower and it the hat without disturbing flowers or dislodging the hat.
“Really, you’re just making this up,” Jon said. “I want to catch Pokémon.”
“You can’t even see Pokémon unless I point them out,” Loxy said.
“Yes, I can,” Jon said.
“Really? Where did I place your cap?” Loxy asked.
“In the rose bush, near the dancing flowers,” Jon said.
“Yeah, they don’t strike you as odd?” Loxy asked.
“Those are Pokémon?!” Jon asked.
“Those are Bellsprouts,” Loxy said.
“I can catch those?” Jon asked.
“I don’t know if you can or not,” Loxy said.
“I mean, those are catchable?” Jon asked. “Why would anyone want a plant for a pet?”
“OMG. Pokémon are not pets! A Pokémon is a lifelong companion,” Loxy said.
“Why would I want a flower companion?” Jon asked.
“OMG, you are so not discriminating by type, are you?” Loxy asked.
“I am trying to ascertain the relevance of a plant? Getting high? Making tea?” Jon asked.
“Sir! Every Pokémon type is unique, and everyone within a type has its own unique personality. If you’re going to survive in this world, you need a variety of types and personality, because you never know what kind of situation you will be in. I mean, just imagine how boring the world would be if there was only one type of Pokémon,” Loxy said.
Jon considered.
“It’s a plant, I am a…”
“What? A guy? Plants are too girly for you? A real man would not be afraid of owning a plant, or becoming a gardener,” Loxy said.
Jon mused. “I suppose I could put it in the window of my future house.”
“That is so not right,” Loxy said. “You need this plant to teach about the world.”
“Okay. So, I could just toss a ball and catch it?” Jon asked.
“You could, but it’s better to fight it first, test its mettle, see if it wants to play,” Loxy said. “And, also, a tired Pokémon is easier to catch.”
“Really? A mammal taking down a plant seems really unfair,” Jon said.
“You really know nothing about plants, do you,” Loxy said.
“You want me to throw Everest in there and let it chew on a plant? That’s not nice, nor fair, and the clover made him vomit,” Jon said.
“It’s what we do. It’s your job to help Everest learn to engage without being vicious. We’re just engaging and practicing techniques. Your job is to learn not to pummel someone into submission or cause them to flee. You just want to tire them out a little so that they’re easier to catch.”
“It’s a plant!” Jon said.
“Show me, then,” Loxy insisted.
Jon decided to show her, with unearned bravado. He released his Evee. Everest orientated, saw the pack of Bellsprouts and charged. They danced and leaned and Everest tumbled out the other side of them, confused. Loxy laughed.
“You got to be kidding me! Everest, pick one and growl,” Jon snapped.
Everest clawed at the ground growled fiercely. The Bellsprouts hit him in the face with leaves and he ran back to Jon yelping. It hid behind him, staring between his legs. Loxy laughed.
“OMG, Everest, get back in there,” Jon said.
Everest whimpered.
“Everest,” Jon said. “Pounce. The one on the end, now!”
Everest went out hesitantly, but as it got closer, it gained some confidence, charged, pounced, and the flower bent and tossed Everest over it. Everest fell to the ground, fainted, dead away.
“No way!”
After visiting the nurse, Jon was determined to rush back to the area where they had seen the Spouts, and Loxy amused him, so that he would learn his next lesson: Pokémon don’t just linger in an area. To her surprise they found the Bellsprouts were still near their impromptu pinecone training spot. Everest was encouraged to go back into a skirmish, which was mostly a lot of growling, avoiding grappling range. Jon took out a Poké Ball, preparing to catch it. One of the Bellsprouts ran away. Jon had Everest focus on one of the remaining Bellsprouts, and it was again rendered unconscious.
After the visiting the nurse, Loxy decided they should get a meal, and so they stopped at the restaurant where the woman was struggling between preparing to cook and keeping her Pokémon in line. Loxy approached the man sitting just past the door.
“I want a Pokémon. I want a Pokémon,” he muttered over and over. He saw Loxy and emphasized. “I want a Pokémon! That’s all I ever heard from her. So, what I did I do? I get her a Pokémon. And since then, I haven’t had a good home cooked meal.”
“Perhaps you could help her with the Pokémon,” Loxy suggested.
“I can’t do that!” the old man said.
“Can you cook?” Jon asked.
“Can you?!” the old man asked.
“I can burn toast,” Jon said, proudly.
“Then you are more advanced than I,” the old man said. “I married her because she was the best cook in all the land, an