Chapter 8
Jon found himself late for class. Frito was prominently displayed on the desk. He looked like your average goldfish, but Jon saw the angry goldfish from ‘cat in the hat,’ and was thinking he shouldn’t be hear while the mother was out… And then it occurred to him, all he saw of the mother was her legs as she returned, and that she had good legs, and now he was horny again, and hating this class. When a cartoon art makes you horny, you know you need sex.
“Or you’re a human male,” Frito said in his head.
“Fuck, you’re in my head?” Jon asked out loud.
The fellow students looked at him, not privy to the conversation.
“You’re in mine. Hell, you get hard just examining the holes in the donuts,” Frito said.
“At the moment, I am wondering what it’s like to push it in a goldfish mouth,” Jon said.
“Try it,” Frito said. “I’ll try not to bite it off.”
“You may end up biting off more than you can chew,” Jon said.
“You wish you were that big,” Frito said.
“Seriously, what’s it like gumming a big dick,” Jon asked.
“I have teeth,” Frito said, smiling. “And I also know you were thinking what it would be like to fuck a sea anemone, but I promise you, you don’t want to put your dick in that.” “If I fucked an anemone, would the offspring be an anomaly?” Jon asked.
“Got sex on the brain, do you?” Frito asked.
“The more you don’t have it, the more you think about it,” Jon said.
“You were thinking about it even after you had it, and aroused by every strange that walked by? Seriously, can you let a woman on the street pass you without you undressing her?” Frito asked.
“Sometimes,” Jon said. “Variable dependent…”
“Jon, if you have seen one pussy, you’ve seen them all,” Frito said.
“Fuck, that doesn’t make any sense,” Jon said. “Going with that, I could say ‘seen one flower, you’ve seen them all, but that doesn’t stop people from buying more roses. Hell, I think I will use that argument the next time a girl says why are you looking for strange, mine not good enough? What was wrong with that first rose I gave you, you want another? In fact, I think I gave you a dozen, and you prefer a dozen to one, so shouldn’t I do a dozen to one?” “Get your fucking mind out of the gutter and teach the class,” Frito said.
Jon did a double take. “What?”
“I need you to teach the class,” Frito said.
“It’s your class, you teach it,” Jon said.
“They can’t hear me,” Frito said.
“Sounds like a problem,” Jon said. “Maybe your class is boring.” “Don’t make me fin slap you,” Frito said.
“I love butterfly kisses. Bring it,” Jon said.
“Jon, we will sit here for eternity if you don’t give today’s lecture,” Frito said. “Nothing could be longer than last class. Where’s Lester?” Jon asked.
“Do I look like Lester’s keeper?” Frito asked. “You’re his roommate.” “He’s my roommate,” Jon corrected.
“So, where is he?”
“Fuck if I know,” Jon said. “No, more specifically, let me fuck, and maybe I will find him.”
“At the other end of your dick?” Frito asked.
“We’re not partners,” Jon said. “He’s just a guy friend, who’s really not a direct friend, but a friend of friends, and so, he just part of a package deal, like the Lego character you really didn’t want, but you bought the whole set, because it’s the only way to get the original Gredo, and no matter what you do you can’t get rid of that other guy.” “You don’t like him?” Frito asked.
“The other guy? No, he’s a bit creepy, and has two faces, and no matter which face you hide under the helmet hair, you’re still a little creeped by the visible face, but you’re also disturbed by the fact you know there is another face,” Jon said. “I am talking about Lester,” Frito said.
Jon blinked. “Oh. He’s alright. I wouldn’t have picked him for a friend, because he’s mostly annoying, except, interestingly enough, in a pinch. If you’re in need, he proves himself useful, and he is loyal, as long as there is no money or gems involved. He definitely won’t try and steal your girl, not that I am worried about that, but otherwise he has no problems cheating you, and he considers it as doing you a favor, like he’s teaching you a lesson. In fact, I can see him selling ice cream to kids and short changing them and telling them ‘I am helping you improve math skills.”
“And he’s punctual,” Frito said.
“Yes. I like that about him,” Jon said.
“So, he’s loyal, never late, and you don’t find it the least bit interesting that he isn’t here?” Frito asked.
Jon nodded, grudgingly. “I should go look for him,” he said.
“After the class,” Frito said.
“You just convinced me something’s wrong, and you don’t want me to rush off and take care of it?” Jon asked.
“You waited this long; if he was dying, he’s probably dead by now,” Frito said.
“OMG, what if it’s a slower death and I find him at the nick of time?” Jon asked. “That would suggest you are magician of very high caliber, who needs to complete my class,” Frito said.
“What if is he is dead?!” Jon asked.
“The world goes on, teach the class,” Frito said.
“I can see him dead, alone in his apartment, but because no one likes him, he isn’t discovered for like weeks, and his body bloated and exploded painting the walls and there are maggots all over the house…” Jon said.
“Are you channeling or using your imagination?” Frito asked.
“I don’t know!” Jon said.
“Do you have a handler?” Frito asked.
“Ummm,” Jon sorted, wondering if he meant Loxy as his new remote viewing partner.
Maybe she could help him locate Lester through all the noise. “Until this class I was be handled. Hope to be so again.”
“That’s a great plan,” Frito agreed. “Now, back to class.” “But,” Jon began.
“Jon, Lester is a magician. He can sort himself,” Frito said.
“But you…”
“Was just checking to see if you cared,” Frito said. “You’re here now and you’re the only one who can hear me, so, let’s get to it.”
“What if Lester’s in a time trap, like Batman, and he’s in a bottle slowly filling with sand…”
“Great imagination,” Frito said. “Now, translate. As magicians, words have power…” “Hey, class. The professor has asked me to stand in for Lester. Words are meaningful, Jon began.
“No, Jon, I want you to repeat things back verbatim,” Frito said.
Jon looked at Frito. “We’re on Safe haven.” Frito said bubbled a yes. “Regardless of language, people hear things in their native language, so…”
“Jon, words are important…”
Jon became distracted by a student raising his hand, and Frito’s rant diminished in the background, like a Charlie Brown adult.
“Where’s Lester?”
“We just did that bit, weren’t you listening?!” Jon asked.
“Are you yelling at me?” she began to cry.
“What did I say?” Jon asked.
“Jon!” Frito broke through. “Focus. Say what I say.”
“Class, we don’t know what’s going on with Lester, and I have been asked to speak for the professor,” Jon said.
The class protested. One wanted to leave because this wasn’t what he signed up for. He was a Lester groupie. The girl Jon raised his voice at cried louder. Several of the class speculated what happened to Lester, and their imaginations were even wilder than Jon’s. One asked Jon why he had been standing there for hours before speaking. The crying girl asked, “so I have to sleep with you, too?”
“What?” Jon asked.
“Lester said I had to sleep with him, and he made me wash the dishes in the morning,” she said.
“Lester slept with you? At my place?”
“Is your place the Ivory Tower?” she asked.
“You had sex with him in Ivory tower?” Jon asked. “No,” she began to cry. “All he did was sleep.” “I wanted that job,” the other classmate said.
“Stop!” Jon snapped. He held his head, it was hurting. Everyone stopped speaking. “Sorry. I am new to this. If you want to speak, raise your hands. Seriously, all of you at once is too much, and no that wasn’t a sexual connotation, why are you thinking about sex, OMG, don’t think that, yes, I like it, and…” Jon turned to Frito and said out loud. “What the fuck?!” “Are you to ready to do it my way?” Frito asked. “Say what I say.” “Go,” Jon said, sitting on the desk.
“That’s Lester’s seat…”
Jon pointed a warning. “Next person who speaks without raising their hand and being acknowledged will be publicly disparaged,” he said. “You, stop crying.”
She stopped and went back to happy normal self which had Jon thinking she was a Lego person with two heads, and now he wanted to run his fingers through her hair to see the other side.
“Jon, stop thinking about sex and focus,” Frito said.
Jon rubbed his head. “Stop thinking about sex and focus,” he repeated. She raised her hand.
“Yes, um…”
“Audrey,” she said. “You want to have sex with me?”
“I want to have sex with everyone, it doesn’t mean what you think it means,” Jon said. He pointed at the guy raising his hands. “No. Only a female. And a few trans, post op… No more questions. OMG, this is hard. No! No more questions. Words have power. You’re magicians. Or will be, when you grow up. I am going to give you six words. The most powerful words in any magician’s tool box. I am going to give them to you in a very precise order, a neutral order, and you will commit them to memory, in this order. Saying them in any other order results in magic.”
Audrey raised her hand. Jon closed his eyes. “Audrey?”
“Only six words? You can make magic with only six words?”
“There’s like what, three particles, and you can make up a whole Universe with that,” Jon said.
“Why six?” someone asked without raising his hands.
“Because forty two is really hard to memorize,” Jon said. “Seriously, try reading the Thai alphabet. Stop. Look, this is really hard for me, OMG stop it, and I need your patience and understanding, and raise your damn hands, but do it after I say what I have to say…” Jon sighed. “These seemingly harmless words can make up phrases that when uttered can make people have sex with you, heal them, hurt them, curse them, or even blow up a planet that you’re standing on, killing everyone and everything on that planet, and soul-bound them to you. In the latter instance, you don’t even have speak the words out loud, you merely have to think it, and the world is yours…”
Jon stopped. He looked to Frito. Frito looked back. “Problem?” “I am not giving them those words,” Jon said.
“They’re magicians. They can handle it,” Frito said.
“I can’t handle it. I don’t want to know,” Jon said.
“But you’re a magician. You need to know these words have power,” Frito said. “I believe you, but if there’s an arrangement of those words that can blow up a planet by just thinking of them, then I don’t want that,” Jon said.
“Don’t trust yourself?” Frito asked.
“I can’t go through an hour without thinking of sex, and if I even walk past a strange female in public, regardless of level of attractiveness, which is proportional to how long it’s been since I had sex, I am thinking of bedding her, and you want give me six words that can not only make her fuck me whether she originally intended to or not, but can also be arranged to get rid of the evidence by killing everyone else, and binding them to me so I can continue having sex with their ghosts, yeah, I don’t want those words, in order or not, because even though I don’t consider myself evil, I am not so disciplined in my thoughts, and I guarantee you, if I don’t get sex before the end of this week, I would soul-bound Safe Haven just to get some action, even if it’s ghost action, cause seriously, naked in the wind would get me off at the moment. So, fuck, where was I, oh, six words! I don’t want them. I don’t want that kind of power. Just knowing there is an arrangement would have sorting for the arrangement, just out of curiosity…” “I’ll give you the arrangement,” Frito said.
“Are you fucking nuts?!” Jon said. “How can you give me the arrangement without me thinking of it? Hell, even if you could, you’re guaranteed to put me on a track of thinking it, and even if I became a monk and permanently quieted the monkey chatter in my brain, what if I thought it in a dream?”
“You would soul bound the dream,” Frito said.
“I don’t want the words. Even if I avoided saying or thinking the phrase, I would not be able to keep them secret. I suck at secrets. I am flibbertigibbet and you get me angry or scared and I start spitting words out. And if someone took me hostage and even intimated that they were going to hurt me, I’d be like, here, have these six words, and I don’t want that!” Jon said.
“Seriously? I think you’re over reacting,” Frito said.
“How am I over reacting?!” Jon asked.
“You’ve been very emotional ever since you came into the classroom,” Frito said.
“I am sure that has nothing to do with the fact that I am horny,” Jon said.
“You want to have sex with me?” Frito asked.
“No, but I do want sex,” Jon said. He wasn’t even looking at her, and someone might have said he saw her reflection in Frito’s bowl: “Lower your hand, Audrey. Frito, I don’t want the words, and I don’t want them having it.”
“Why would you deny them the words?” Frito asked.
“Well, for starters, they can’t get them unless I learn them to give them, and I am saying no to knowing, but even if I knew the words, I don’t want them having that kind of power over people,” Jon said. “And, no, wait wait wait. There’s a language spell involved in translating. If you give me the words, want they lose power in translation.”
“I love that question. Great question. You’re curious,” Frito said.
“Yes, no, wait. I am curious about the translation thing, not curious about the actual words,” Jon said.
“They’re true words. It doesn’t matter how they’re spelled or how they’re pronounced, or how you think they’re pronounced, they are true regardless of culture, or language, or gender, or age, or species,” Frito said.
“Well, that can’t be true,” Jon argued.
“Yes it can,” Frito said.
“You do know a contradiction isn’t an argument,” Jon said.
“It could be,” Frito said.
“OMG, stop it. Take the word love. The original translation of the bible had four different words for love, and if you use the wrong word, it changes the meaning of things,” Jon said. Frito bobbed. “That’s true. And your people who translated it to make it politically correct have removed true words, rendering what was probably true into something that is to be very unlikely. But that’s not about the words as much as the people controlling the words. See, you got this.”
“No I don’t! The only reason I know bible stuff is because I was born in Texas, and one side of the family was Baptist, and the other side Church of Christ, and our neighbors were Jehovah Witnesses, and everyone on the street thought the other ones were going to hell, and that was one hell of a hot mess, people shooting at each other over it, and, fuck, why are we going here. I don’t want the words, and I don’t want anyone else having the words, because, by god, if you gave it to my folks or anyone in my trailer park origin, you’d be liable for murder!” Jon said. Frito bobbed. “If I might translate, because you grew up with some people who were wanting power and dominance, you think that if you gave everyone a button to blow up the world, someone would push it?”
“Absolutely!” Jon said. “Mature people don’t do that.” “Don’t you want everyone being equal?” Frito asked.
“Fuck that. I am not giving everyone a button to blow up the world. There are kids. There adults with questionable faculties. There are people with diminished cognitive ability, where that is biological, or lack of nutrition, or from sniffing paint, and there are people who want revenge, and regardless of the validity of their claims, people wanting vengeance don’t care who they hurt to get theirs, which is what keeps the cycle of violence going, and… Fuck, I don’t want these words and I don’t want anyone else having these words. Can I be any clearer on this?” “Jon,” Frito said. “You already have the words.” “What?!” Jon asked.
“The six words. They’re already in your vocabulary,” Frito said. “Everyone past the age of puberty have these words at their disposal even before they reach puberty; puberty just gives it power. Even other species have these words. Cat’s don’t just have the power of three names, they know the words and the all the permutations of the words, which really shows you just how wonderfully reserved cats can be, and you’d be wise not to cross them.”
“You’re telling me that I have words at my disposal right now that could make someone, anyone, fuck me or blow up the world?” Jon asked.
“Yes. Everyone does,” Frito said. “And as magicians, it is my position you should know the words.”
Jon sorted, his eyes closed, bouncing a ‘stop’ gesture. “Are you saying…”
“Yes,” Frito said. “Think about it, Jon. Every time you convinced someone to have sex with you, whether you were speaking truth or not, you were using true words. Wouldn’t you like to know these words so the next time you ask a stranger for sex, wouldn’t you like to know you’re using the words in an arrangement that allows the person to agrees to having sex as opposed to being manipulated into sex because of a spell? “I could, in theory, accidentally say the words that blow up worlds?” Jon asked. “Oh, sure, theoretically, you could, anyone could, but in terms of probability, not likely,” Frito said. “Think about all the angry, hungry people on your world of origin alone. If it were more likely it would have already happened.”
“Or it did happen and I am already someone’s soul bound,” Jon said.
“Infinite loop/regression, the Banach–Tarski paradox, matryoshka doll, living on the surface of a black hole, which has a hole, inside a hole, inside… and so, if you ever get déjà vu, well, it’s because we’ve done this all before as we fall for eternity through cyclic holes…” Frito said. “It’s not random thing, Jon. Not like the universe choosing lottery numbers. The words have bias in every language that increases the odds of putting them together in dangerous ways, which means most people, are really good people. You should come over on Thursday night. I host a dinner for a few select magicians and mathematicians and we talk about this stuff all the time.”
“You’re a Last Thursdayist?” Jon asked.
“No, but we talked about that last Thursday,” Frito said.
“My head hurts,” Jon said.
“Now that you know you know the words, don’t you wa