CHAPTER THREE
Firing Back With Turd Brains
I.
Chuck and I walked through the snow that was starting to fall in Kings Town. We were bundled up to the max in our winter coats, and we were each concealing our laser phasers underneath.
It was almost seven o’clock, and Nog had us on a mission. We were on our way to Jakon’s Comic Collectables to see if Jakon had been by there after he attacked me.
When we arrived, the store was dark and appeared empty. We peered through the glass door where the ‘closed’ sign hung on the other side of it.
“Well,” I said, “what now?”
“I have a key, dude,” Chuck said, reaching into his front pocket. He pulled out a key that was attached to a lucky rabbits foot keychain.
“How’d you get a key?”
“Jakon and I are in business together, Scout.”
Curious, I asked, “Did you steal it?”
“Yeah, when he wasn’t looking. A few months back I gave him a box of shirts, you know, the ones with the alien face that said ‘Martian Luther King’? Well anyway, I realized afterwards that I had made a mistake on the alien’s goatees, so I -”
“We get it, Chuck,” I stopped him, “you stole it. Just get us in there.”
With one swift turn of the key, we were in. We headed straight for the checkout counter and hopped over it to gain access to a door that was behind it. Nog supplied Jakon with the means of creating a sort of lab behind the door. It was supposed to be able to survey space and possibly connect the E.I.A. with other forms of extraterrestrial life. It also had the equipment necessary to track objects, which is exactly what he did with the space pod and that mysterious large mass that was still heading straight for us.
We searched the room for any sign that Jakon had been there, but we came up with nothing. I flipped through a notebook that was laying on one of the desks. Scribbled sloppily inside were the words, ‘Operation: Behemoth’. I read through the notes but couldn’t make heads or tails of it. There were a lot of diagrams and coordinates. I shoved it in my jacket so I could get a better look at it later.
“What’s this?” I heard Chuck say from across the room. I walked over and looked over his shoulder. There was a sheet of paper laying out with an address on it: 3859 Goober Lane. That was my street…and that was the house across from me where Butch McSides had decided to nest.
All the information began to race through my head as my brain started to piece the puzzle together.
“Butch McSides, bro,” I said. Chuck looked at me waiting for me to say more, so I didn’t disappoint. “This guy just moved into this address a few days ago around the same time that the space pod crashed in the school yard.”
“Yeah, so?” Chuck said, annoyed. Did he really not know what I was getting at?
“Butch McSides crashed landed on Earth in that space pod and is now stationed across the street from my house, dude.”
Chuck finally caught on.
Butch McSides was definitely from outer space and was teamed up with Jakon, and possibly Radar. And if the whole plan was to get to Chuck and I…Uncle Jones was in big trouble.
II.
We ran through the streets and into my neighborhood, braving the snowy conditions.
“Uncle Jones was helping Butch with some boxes earlier,” I explained to Chuck as we were both running out of breath. “He gave me this really ominous look when he was crossing the street. I think he’s definitely up to something.”
Chuck just nodded, which looked weird since he was running.
We dashed down the icy street of Blunder Drive and made a right onto Goober Lane. The moving van was still in sight, parked out in the street. All of the boxes from the driveway were gone – they must have gotten them all inside.
Our run finally dwindled to a wheezy jog, and finally ended with us gasping for breath as we walked up to Butch McSides porch. My lungs hurt – they hurt bad.
Chuck clenched his fist tight and pulled his forearm back. He was gearing up for a knock. I quickly put my hand up and stopped him.
“What?” Chuck asked, putting his arm back down and releasing his fingers from clenching.
“We can’t just knock on some sort of space villains door, dude!” I told him. “We need to bust it down.”
“Ah, yeah! Like in the movies!” Chuck and I were finally on the same page.
“On the count of three, we both start throwing our weight around like we own this joint. Got it?”
“Got it.”
We both braced ourselves for the inevitable coolness that was about to happen. We were gonna throw ourselves into the door and shatter it down to pieces and charge in there, probably saving the day or something.
We both armed ourselves with our laser phasers, and I mouthed the countdown to Chuck. One…two…three…
We both, with all of our might, bashed into the door repeatedly, and within about forty-five seconds, we were able to loosen it. We kept bashing away and I finally heard a couple screws fall and hit the porch. I smiled as my arm began to bruise; it was about to happen, I could feel it.
With a couple more final throws of our bodies, the door finally busted into the house, and Chuck and I collapsed into the living room.
We stood up, dusted ourselves off and looked ahead - our laser phasers held outward. The sight we saw was confusing. Uncle Jones sat in a wooden chair, tied up and bound to it. Standing next to him on the left was Jakon. He was holding a laser rifle. Standing to the right of Uncle Jones, was Butch McSides. He too, was packing laser heat.
Scattered all around the living room were large cardboard boxes – the ones Butch had been moving for the past couple days. There was no other furniture to be seen.
“Freeze!” I yelled, and I held my laser gun out further.
Jakon and Butch both laughed at me.
Embarrassed, I changed my tone: “Who are you?” I aimed my gun specifically at Butch.
“You should know who I am, alright? I’m the other one you left behind, alright?” Butch said.
Alright? Who used to say that? I left him behind? Wait…
I studied Butch carefully. He was a clean-shaven masterpiece, dressed nicely, his dark brown hair was cut…definitely not the way I remember seeing Homeless Harry.
“Homeless Harry?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s me, alright? What are you going to do about it?”
“What’s the big idea here, Scout?” Uncle Jones cried out in a nervous panic, “Is this some kind of epic gag you’re trying to pull on your old Uncle U.J.?”
“No, man,” I said to my Uncle, “he’s a homeless guy from outer space looking for revenge!”
Homeless Harry then slapped Uncle Jones straight across the face and Uncle Jones let out an “Ugh!”
“Stop!” I shouted. “Why are you doing this? How’d you get here?”
“It’s a long, drawn out story, Scout,” he said, and then started in on the story. “Basically, after you left Radar for dead, the Frooginites sensed his anger towards you and thought they could use him as a weapon against you guys for destroying their portals.
They took Radar in as one of their own, or as he’s now called, Lord Radar the Great, and started to train him to be an angry fighting machine.”
Chuck and I were trying to absorb all of this unexpected nonsense. Harry continued:
“Lord Radar the Great eventually became very well respected on Bethani, especially with the Frooginites. By his orders, the planet was completely rid of all of the green butt aliens that inhabited it. In their planet-wide extermination, they discovered me hiding in my dumpster. I pleaded to Lord Radar and told him how you abandoned me. He could relate on many levels. We both hated you, and we both wanted revenge.
“So a ship was built – a massive space ship of death – The Behemoth. We created an army of Slimeborgs, built by our laborers, and set a course for Earth.”
Jakon chimed in, “A few months ago, when I was checking the computers for any sign of the I.P.S., I intercepted a transmission from deep space. It was Lord Radar the Great. When I said I was with Earth’s Intergalactic Ambassadors, he flipped out and started calling me names. He threatened to beat me up a few times, and when I finally realized it was you he was after, I sided with him. I didn’t want you two in the E.I.A. from the beginning. Lord Radar and I had an understanding, and I was supposed to make sure, that at all costs, you and Chuck suffered. We’re taking this Uncle Jones character to The Behemoth, where Lord Radar will see to it that he never returns. Lord Radar insists on being blessed by your company.”
Without warning, Homeless Harry threw down a flash bang grenade and everything went white. The ringing in our ears brought Chuck and I to our knees. I felt someone bump into me, and when I turned to look, I saw Jakon dashing out the front door. Homeless Harry was right behind him with Uncle Jones draped over his shoulder.
“Chuck, get up!” I ordered. I stood to my feet and stumbled to the front door. I saw Jakon open the back of the moving truck and pull down the ramp. The two of them carried Uncle Jones into the back of the truck and within a matter of seconds, the roof of it exploded off, and a small shuttlecraft of some kind emerged from inside and blasted off at full speed with nitro rocket boosters that looked awesome, and disappeared into the snowy sky.
“They’re gone,” I said. “Chuck?” I wondered what he was up to. I turned around and saw Chuck looking into the living room, watching as each of the dozen or so cardboard boxes opened up. From within each of them, something strange stood up.
They were weird robot things. Their bodies were made up of some sort of transparent material, almost like a Plexiglass, that allowed us to see right through them. Inside their bodies were enough mechanical devices to know they were robots, and they seemed to be filled with neon green ooze, or slime. The only feature on the head or face was a single eye, which rapidly flickered a bright red color.
Chuck and I armed ourselves quickly as each of the Slimeborgs raised their arms. Each of them had an arm that turned into a gun. Within seconds we were in another epic battle.
I rolled onto the floor and ducked behind a couple of cardboard boxes. I popped up and fired a few beams of lasers into a couple of the Borgs. They shattered like glass, sending the gooey slime splashing in every direction.
Chuck popped off a few rounds and mowed down, like, at least four of those things. I saw a smile on his face that didn’t seem to fade away.
I took quick cover behind the box as a couple of the Borgs fired their lasers at me. A few beams hit the box and I saw smoke emerge from the laser holes. It smelled like it was burning.
I hopped over the box and put my back up against it, putting myself out there for the Borgs. I pumped off shots of lasers and shattered a few more into a slimy mess.
Chuck rolled into a somersault, his signature move, and hopped up. He punched one of the Slimeborgs in the face, and it stumbled backwards. Chuck aimed his laser phaser point blank in its face and fired off one quick bolt. The Borg flew backwards, his face shattering and spewing slime.
There was one more robot coming up from behind Chuck. I knew he knew it was there, so I let my buddy take care of some business. He swung turned around fast, transitioning into a roundhouse kick, and shattered the Borg on impact.
Chuck turned to me with a huge smile on his face. “Scout, you’re on fire!”
“Thanks, man! You were too, brother!” I said, standing up from my squatting position. Chuck’s smile disappeared.
“No, man,” he shouted and pointed at me. “You’re on fire!”
I turned around fast and saw the cardboard box that was shot was a little bit on fire. I smelled something else burning and knew it was the back of my coat. I stopped, dropped, and rolled like I was always taught, and the fire was extinguished.
I lay there on the floor, smoke swirling off my body. Chuck approached me, and extended his hand to mine.
“Come on,” he said, “we have to get to Nog.”
What a battle. It felt good to be back in action.
III.
Chuck, Nog and I sat around in Nog’s self-proclaimed “outdated” kitchen as we explained the entire situation to him. He stood up from the kitchen table and started to pace around the room, occasionally going over to the stove to stir the soup he was heating up. I have no idea what kind of soup it was, but it stunk like crap.
“Why couldn’t we do this in The Secret Room?” I said, waving the stink away from my face. It felt like the smell was curling my nose hairs in a singe.
“Because they’re installing a high-tech super-laser guided security system down there because of the Jakon debacle,” Nog said, licking the soup spoon dry.
Nog eventually returned to the table, but towered over it with his skinny and frail look instead of sitting down. “Well, I think the answer is pretty clear. We have to send you boys to The Behemoth so you can rescue Uncle Jones and defeat Radar and his Cosmic Posse.”
“I’ll do it,” I sighed, accepting the challenge myself.
Chuck looked at me. “You’ll do it?”
“Yeah, I guess. It has to be done, Chuck.”
“By yourself?”
“Yeah, man, I’m capable,” I said; I thought I had made myself clear on that by offering to go alone.
“No you’re not, man,” Chuck exploded, “not by yourself!”
“Yeah I am! You said it yourself, bro! I’m the Space Savior of the Universe!”
“That was sarcasm, Scout! I was mocking you! MOCKING YOU!”
I rolled my eyes at Chuckles.
“Shut up, all ya’lls!” Nog shouted. “You’re both going. It’s my call, and that’s my call.”
“Turd face,” Chuck childishly squeaked out of the side of his mouth.
“Turd brains,” I fired back with a vengeance.
“Shut up, fools!” Nog insisted, and slammed his fist down on the table. He became quiet again as he ran over a few things in his head. “I have to think of the best way to handle this.”
“We need to kill them all,” I said.
“Whoa, Scout,” Nog said, “We don’t want to resort to murder. Not just yet.”
Nog took a deep breath and continued, “Okay, you boys go home and get some rest while I come up with an epic plan. It looks like that surprise I have for you, Scout, will come in handy tomorrow.”
I was really curious what the surprise was, but I was glad it was for me. I deserved it.
Chuck and I left, both going our separate ways home. It seemed like he didn’t have much to say to me.
IV.
It was late and I was sitting awake in bed. Before she retired to her bedroom for the night, my mom asked me if I had seen Uncle Jones, and all I told her was that he mentioned something about a buddy of his, Booya Boggs, and that was all she needed to hear. “He’ll be gone all night with that idiot, Boggs,” she had said. There must have been a story there, but I didn’t know it.
Just the thought of another space mission was tickling my excitement bones. I was more than ready. It’d been over a year and I was just itching to get back on the saddle. I wondered how Chuck and I would get to The Behemoth. Would we use the I.P.S. again? Doubtful, since it was being studied currently.
There was a lot I needed to do before our next mission. I needed to get into shape, I needed to brush up on weaponry, I needed to think up a cool line or two to shout off while I was defeating enemies…it was all making me hungry just thinking about it.
I wandered down into the kitchen around midnight for a snack. I buttered up some saltines and chugged a glass of OJ, then went back to my room. I needed to get some sleep – I had a big day coming up.
I woke up, showered, ate a complete balanced breakfast, and headed for the bus to begin my Friday.
When I got to school, I went straight to the cafeteria for a second breakfast. They were serving cake battered flapjacks and hash brown sliders – my favorite! I sat down at my usual table and only had to wait about three minutes or so before Chuck plopped down next to me.
“I ran into Nog in the parking lot,” Chuck said.
“Yeah? What did he say?”
“He said were blasting off right after school, if that works for you.”
“Of course it does. Mandy turned me down for the Christmas dance, so I’m free for space. I’d rather be doing that anyway. Saving the world and stuff.”
“I told Nog that after school, we’ll head right over to his farm,” Chuck said.
The table shook, and we noticed Phil plop down across from us. Lamar sat down with him.
“Why do you guys have to go to Professor Nog’s farm after school?” Phil asked.
Gulp! He wasn’t supposed to hear that.
“Um…” I said.
“Um…” Chuck said.
Phil waited for one of us to say something, but neither of us did. “This secret you guys have must be a whopper. Now it includes a teacher?”
I turned my attention to Lamar. He was staring at me.
“Hi, Lamar,” I said.
“Sup,” Lamar replied.
“Look guys,” Phil said, “I really, really want to tell you my news. But in all fairness, I shouldn’t because you guys have been so sneaky over the past year. So, this is your last chance. Tell me what’s going on. If you don’t, not only will you not find out my news,” Phil sighed, “but I don’t know if I want to be bothered by being around you two anymore.”
I felt sad almost instantly. I couldn’t lose Phil as a friend. He was too important to me. Plus, I hadn’t finished reading his Dragon Wind book series yet.
“Phil,” Chuck said, sounding like he was about to give in.
Phil focused on Chuck. Chuck hung his head and didn’t proceed.
“If we told you, you’d be in danger, Phil,” I said to him. “Trust me. We’re only looking out for you.”
Phil nodded his head slowly. I could tell he didn’t believe me. He stood up and tapped his new best friend on the shoulder. “C’mon, Lamar, let’s go get some hash brown sliders before all the crispy cheddar ones are picked over.”
Phil and Lamar were gone instantly, leaving an empty void in the pit of my stomach.
I sat in History with my fist holding up my head on the desk. I was in ‘The Thinker’ pose, only seated. Was he seated? I don’t know, whatever. I was worried about losing Phil as a friend. I wish there was something I could do or say to him to make everything all better without giving away the secret, but I kept coming up short in that department.
I looked around and everyone was paired up working on their diagrams. Since I wasted all that time yesterday asking Mandy to go to the dance with me, I ended up being the only one in class who didn’t have a partner.
I watched Mandy and Audrey cutting up cardboard and twirling some neon colored twist ties around stuff. Looked like a cool project. Mandy looked up in my direction and saw my depressed look. She could tell something was wrong. A few seconds later she stood up and walked over to me.
I sat back in my chair and laid my hands out flat on the desk as she sat down in the seat next to me. She smiled:
“Hey, Scout,” she said.
“Sup, Mands,” I replied, giving her the worst abbreviated name in history. I closed my eyes tight, wishing I could’ve just reversed that.
“I did a lot of thinking last night, Scout. It all boils down to you saved my life. I am truly grateful for that. You were so nice to me last year, but it’s apparent that your personality has changed. I know that sweet little freshman nerd is still in there somewhere,” Mandy said, putting her hand on one of mine.
What was this?
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’d be willing to give you a chance, Scout,” she said, gripping my hand with hers. “Maybe you’d be different again. I’d really like that.”
I smiled. “Yeah of course! I can definitely change.”
“Good. So, you want to go to the dance tonight?”
“No, I can’t, I’m going on another space mission.”
Her smile disappeared. “What?”
“Something’s happened, and I have to go to space.”
“I thought you wanted to go to the dance with me.”
“I did, but when you blew me off yesterday, I jumped at the chance to battle more aliens.”
Mandy stared at me. “Blew you off? Maybe you can’t change, Scout.” Mandy released my hand and stood up.
“Wait,” I said, reaching out for her, “don’t you want to know what the mission is about? I’m going into battle, Mandy. I’m gonna be a hero again!”
She shook her head and walked away.
“Fine!” I yelled, catching the attention of everyone in the classroom. I noticed they were all looking at me, but I didn’t care – Mandy needed to know. “I’m glad I’m not going to the dance with you! I can do better anyways!”
The class gasped and laughed – they were all excited about the sudden drama I’d just started. Mandy stopped on her way over to Audrey and turned to look at me. Her mouth was wide open and her lips started to quiver. A single tear traveled down her cheek and everyone heard it splash on the floor.
She ran for the door and left the room crying hard. I stood up in a fury and looked at Mrs. Viper. “She left in the middle of class, Mrs. Viper!” I cried out. “That’s detention!”