CHAPTER FOUR
The Frog Hopper
I.
School let out for the day and I rode the bus home, not saying much to anyone. Maybe I was a little harsh with Mandy, but who knows.
I cut through my snowy yard, glancing over at Butch McSides…er…Homeless Harry’s house. It was quiet now, but I knew that inside the house, slime was everywhere. Evidence was everywhere in there.
I walked into my home and for some reason the Christmas decorations annoyed me. It didn’t feel much like the holidays. Instead of celebrating at the dance with the girl of my dreams, who I’d do anything for, I was gearing up to battle Lord Radar the Great and his Cosmic Posse.
I walked upstairs and Mark came busting out of his room, huffin’.
“Scout! Thank God you’re here,” he said, out of breath from just running from his room to the hall. This guy needed to get off his guitar and hit the workout mat or something.
“What?” I said, trying to walk by him to my room.
“I just got a phone call from Bowling Buddies, and guess what?”
“They want you to play a full set?” I guessed, even though I was pretty sure that’s what it was.
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
“Just a guess, brother.”
“Well, they do! I get to perform six of my songs tomorrow night. I want you there to see it. It’s not just a single song anymore, they want a whole set!”
Mark was crazy-excited. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be back from The Behemoth or not by then, but I assured him anyways. “Yeah, bro, I’ll be there.”
“Bring your pals too! Chuck and Phil! It’ll be awesome! Bring a girl too! That way you can say ‘you know someone in the band’, and maybe you’ll score some points with her. Epicness awaits, Scout! EPICNESS!”
Mark flew back into his room and slammed the door shut. I heard him start strumming on his acoustic again. Good for him.
I walked into my room and stripped down to just about nothing. I needed to re-gear. I threw on some jeans and another one of Chuck’s t-shirts. This one had a small cartoon fly with a human’s head, wearing a hat. Underneath the fly, it said ‘Sly Fly Guy’. These shirts had been killing it at the store. But I assumed that little venture of Chuck’s was over. With Jakon turning cheeks, his shop would be closed down for sure. The business was probably dead.
I asked Mark for a ride to Father Peanuts so I didn’t have to walk through the cold winter weather again, and he obliged. The whole way there, he made us listen to demo CDs of his songs. Ugh…I didn’t need all that right now.
He dropped me off at the café and I told him I’d get a ride home later. He took off and I waited for him to turn the corner, and then I made my move. It was only about a mile to Nog’s farm from Father Peanuts. That was much better than starting at my house.
I braved the cold winds and powdery snowfall and made it to the farm around 4pm or so.
I slipped through the doors and into the barn. It was craziness in there. The I.P.S. was in pieces, stashed along the walls of the barn. Everyone in there seemed to be busy with something or other. I saw Farrow instructing a bunch of young scientists on some new computer system near the back. There were engineers tinkering around with the I.P.S. parts. A couple construction guys were pulling heavy chains that were attached to something somewhere up in the rafters. It was crazy.
“Scout, my brotha!” I heard Nog call out from over near the horse stall. I looked over and saw that he was walking my way with Chuck by his side. Chuck was holding what looked like folded clothes in his hands.
“What are those clothes?” I asked, pointing to them as Nog and Chuck approached.
“It’s part of your surprise, Scout,” Nog said. “Chuck, unfold!”
With Nog’s instructions, Chuck opened up the folded clothes to reveal some sweet space uniforms! They were like, dark blue jumpsuits with black elbow and kneepads built in. They zipped up from the crotch and on the left side breast-pocket area, was that awesome cigar-smoking attitude frog head.
“Shaweeet!” I shouted, grabbing one of the two jumpsuits from Chuck. “That frog’s a logo?”
“Yup. It’s for your missions from here on out,” Nog said. “I remember how annoyed you were when I sent you fellas to Bethani in just your street clothes. Now that the E.I.A. has a budget, we can get you nice things.”
“Thanks, Nogs!” I said, the smile not once leaving my face. I stripped down to my boxers right there in front of everyone and slipped on the jumpsuit. I zipped it up slowly, for dramatic effect, and then stood there as people gawked at my awesomeness. “This is more like it!”
“Now, for the main course, Scout,” Nog said. I couldn’t wait to see what he had for me now! Nog shouted at a couple of the construction guys who were pulling the large chains from the dark rafters above us. They knew what to do and started pulling hard on the chains.
Right before my eyes, a space ship was lowered from the rafters and into the center of the barn. It was beautiful. It was smaller than the I.P.S., maybe the size of a mini van, was black in color with red flames across the hood. It reminded me of a small personal jet. It had wings, rocket boosters on the back, and a seriously cool tinted front windshield.
I walked around the ship and noticed that on both sides, the attitude frog picture was stamped on it. This was official stuff!
“With this puppy,” Nog said, “you’ll be able to bounce around from galaxy to galaxy like a frog on a pond full of lily pads. Scout, I present to you…The Frog Hopper.
It had a freaking name!? Awesome!
“Dude! Chuck do you see this?” I said as I ran my fingers across the black finish of the ship.
“Yeah, I see it,” Chuck pouted. “You didn’t tell me that’s what this frog was for, Nog! Where’s my super-awesome gift?”
“I need you boys to follow me down into the labs,” Nog said, leading the way to the horse stall. “You’ll get your gift down there, Chuck. Plus, those jumpsuits come with utility belts, boys!”
“Utility belts?!” I was so freaking happy about all this.
“And backpacks to match!” Nog added.
“Nog, you son of a gun!”
“And newly designed laser phasers!”
“WHAT!?” I cried as Nog kept delivering the goods. I took one last look at The Frog Hopper before we took the elevator down.
II.
Chuck and I stood there in Lab B-1. We were both dressed in our jumpsuits, wearing our utility belts full of gadgets, with our matching backpacks, and holding the newest model of the laser phaser. We felt authorized.
Nog pulled up a screen on his computer and Chuck and I gathered around to see it.
“This is imaging from my now patented Super Magnified Telescopic Deep Space Identifier…or the S.M.T.D.S.I. for short.” Nog explained. “It’s the first device in my line of Zoomable Science Equipment.
“I was able to get a good look at what we’re dealing with up there. The Behemoth has entered our Solar System and is now passing right by Pluto, God rest its’ soul.”
The pictures that Nog was showing us were incredibly clear. They showed a massive space ship with the words ‘The Behemoth’ stenciled onto the side of it. It looked like the ship itself was maybe around seven or eight stories high, probably longer than a couple of football fields and had some sort of nitro rocket boosters all up in there.
“I’m thinking, if my calculations are correct, The Frog Hopper will be able to get you to The Behemoth within about an hour. Your ship has far more advanced engines and power than the I.P.S. did. That thing’s basically crap compared to the Frog.”
“Sweet,” Chuck said, “but where’s my gift?”
“Will you calm down and shut up for five seconds, Chuck. God, I’m getting to that, jeez!” Nog stood up and walked to a locker that was against the wall. He punched in a digital code and the locker door opened. Nog pulled out a weapon that I’d never seen before.
He handed it to Chuck, and I could have sworn I saw Chuck’s mouth actually water. He ogled the piece up and down. It was black and silver, a little longer than the laser phasers and had not only had the normal barrel, but it had another one attached underneath. The attitude frog was plastered on the side of the top barrel.
“Chuck, this is your new weapon of choice… the P2 - The Plasma Phaser,” Nog said. “The top barrel shoots out your generic lasers, but the bottom one shoots out controlled plasma bursts. They will explode on impact and destroy the crap out of everything. I’m sure this bad-boy will come in handy up there. Just be careful with it.”
Chuck held the plasma phaser out in front of me and smiled. “Ha! Check it, Scout.”
“So,” I said, trying not to show my jealousy, “I got my own spaceship.”
“Well, I got a plasma phaser.”
He didn’t deserve that. I did. I was the main star of the show here. I’m the one who has a spaceship – I should have my own personal weapon of choice too! “That’s mine, Chuck!”
I reached out for the gun, but Chuck pulled away.
“Give it here, Chuck!” I said, swiping at it.
“No.”
“Give it, dude! It’s mine!”
“It’s clearly not! Nog!”
“Boys! Boys! Shut up!” Nog shouted, stepping in between us. “Why are you two acting like such boobs here lately?”
“I’m not a boob, you are!” I yelled.
Nog reached for me and grabbed me by the chest. “Did you just call me a boob? A mammary!?”
He looked annoyed so I quieted down and he finally let me go.
“Professor?” a man’s voice called from the doorway. We all turned and saw a tall man in a suit with a white lab coat thrown over top of it. He had a neatly combed full head of gray hair, wore a pair of tinted glasses and was holding a clipboard.
“Wait here, fellas,” Nog said and then walked over to the man. They walked back out into the hallway.
“Scout, let me ask you something,” Chuck said, resting the plasma gun on his shoulder. “Why are you walking around like you’re constantly stuck in big-head mode?”
“Chuck, leave it alone.”
“No, bro! Ever since Bethani, you’ve walked around like your farts don’t stink. And they do, bro! They reek!”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear any of this. My attitude was my business. I was comfortable with who I was – a science fiction hero. This wasn’t The Chuck Taylor Story, after all.
“Just come back down to Earth, dude. Be the guy you used to be,” Chuck said as his voiced calmed. I could hear his concern, but he was too far out of line.
“Scout! Chuck! Come here!” Nog called from the hallway. Chuck and I walked out into the hall and saw Nog standing with that other guy.
“Boys, this is Dr. Hix Blossom. He’s from the government, and is a huge reason why the E.I.A. is what it is today. He’s responsible for funding Fort Nog’s, The Frog Hopper, etc. Shake his hand, boys.”
He put the clipboard under his arm and I shook the Doctor’s hand. “Hix Blossom, huh? Like the Higgs Boson?” I said all science-like.
“Hm,” Dr. Hix pondered as he shook my hand back, “I never put that one together. No, actually, I come from a very flowery family tree. Lots of florists and stuff.”
“Gotcha. I’m Scout Brooks.”
“Chuck Taylor,” Chuck said, reaching out and shaking Dr. Hix’s other hand. Hix was shaking both of our hands at the same time; it was weird.
Nog stepped in, “Alright, that’s enough.” We let go of Dr. Hix’s hands. “Dr. Hix wanted to show us the new super high-tech laser guided security system they just installed.”
“Step back, lads,” Hix said as he scooted us all back against the end of the hallway. “All you gotta do is hit the button.”
Hix pressed a button that was newly placed on the wall, and instantly, red beams shot out of small tabs on the hallway walls and criss-crossed each other in a tangled neon mess. The new security system was cool and it gave off a soothing ‘hum’ sound.
“Any questions?” Hix asked, pressing the button again to turn it off. “It’s pretty straight forward, I suppose. Just activate and you’re secured.”
“Thank you, Dr. Hix,” Nog said.
There was a crackling noise that came over the intercom. It went on for a few seconds and then Nog got annoyed. “God, when is everyone gonna figure out how to work that intercom system? You can talk now, ya morons!”
With that, a man’s voice came over the base-wide intercom. “Professor Ed Nog, there is someone here to see you. He said he’s with Scout and Chuck. Please come to the barn.”
Nog looked at us. “Who was with you?”
I was clueless. “No one.”
“Nope, no one,” Chuck added, just as confused.
The intercom crackled again and it went on for a few more seconds. Nog was annoyed again.
“Talk already, morons!” he shouted.
There was a slight squeal of feedback that popped in our ears, and then another voice came over the system - a different voice.
“Attention Intergalactic Ambassadors of Earth,” the young sounding male voice said. He spoke clear and crisp into the microphone – crispier than I’ve ever heard before. He continued:
“This is Lord Radar the Great, and I have hacked your communications system.”
We all looked at each other. It was the real deal – Radar was alive and kicking up plots of revenge.
“My request is simple,” he announced, “Send Scout Brooks and Chuckles Taylor up to my space base – The Behemoth – and I promise I won’t destroy your precious little club.”
“It’s not a club,” Nog got all defensive, “it’s an organization!”
“Whatever, bro,” Radar’s voice echoed through Fort Nog’s. “I just want those two in my hands so I can de-pants them in a way they never imagined – by killing them!”
“Radar,” I said, “This is ridiculous. Give me back -”
“IT’S LORD RADAR THE GREAT, SCOUT!” Radar exploded in fury.
We all got quiet and waited for Radar’s heavy breathing to stop. When it did, he finally continued:
“You two left me stranded on that planet over a year ago, making me miss out on everything back on Earth, and now you’re gonna pay the price. You two better come on up here, otherwise I’ll blow up the entire universe. Lord Radar, out.”
There was a click and he was gone.
“We have to get you guys up there. The whole entire universe is in danger!” Nog shouted. “Let’s go, we have no time!”
III.
The elevator opened and we passed through the horse stall. Marco grabbed my arm. “Hey, Scout.”
“What?”
“What do you get when you cross a T-Rex with a firecracker?”
“I don’t know, man, we’re kind of in a hurry here,” I said, pulling away from his grip. Nog and Dr. Hix opened the horse stall gate and walked out into the barn. Chuck and I were right behind them.
“Dino-mite!” Marco shouted behind us. I didn’t look back, but I laughed. So did Chuck. Marco had been on fire lately.
“Farrow, my brotha!” Nog called out. Farrow, across the barn, turned away from the group of young scientists he was teaching and faced Nog. “Who is here to see me?”
Farrow pointed over near the entrance where Hastings was standing with someone. I squinted to see who it was, and then my heart sank. In the pit of my stomach, I felt a knot that had been tangled enough to the point where it’d be impossible to unwind.
It was Phil. He was in the barn. He was in Fort Nog’s. He was facing the awesome Frog Hopper and he was witnessing all the busy-bodies that worked for the E.I.A. I must have been dreaming.
I turned to my left and punched Chuck in the arm.
“Ow, dude! God, what was that for?” he said, rubbing his arm.
“I was seeing if I was dreaming.”
“You have to do that to yourself, bro, not someone else,” Chuck said as he let a punch fly that hit me in the chest.
“Ouch!” I yelled. “God, Chuck!”
Hastings walked Phil over to the four of us.
“What’s all this nonsense?” Nog asked. “Who is this nerd?”
“His name is Phil Easton. He said he was with Scout and Chuck and asked to see you specifically,” Hastings said.
Nog looked at Chuck and I. “You told this kid about the E.I.A.?”
“They didn’t say anything,” Phil spoke up. “I put all the pieces together and tracked you guys down here.”
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds.
“Take him to The Secret Room, Hastings,” Nog said. “Take Scout and Chuck too. You guys can hang there for a bit until we get The Frog Hopper prepped. Looks like we have a new member now…”
Nog turned and walked away. Dr. Hix followed him.
“C’mon, boys. Follow me,” Hastings said. He led the way back to the elevator where Marco was still laughing at his dinosaur joke.
I couldn’t believe this was happening.
IV.
Chuck, Phil and I sat around the meeting table in The Secret Room. Hastings was on guard out in the hallway. Phil kept looking at Chuck and I with his eyebrows raised like Chuck on a flagpole. He just kept looking at us, going back and forth between the two of us. I was wondering what he was thinking.
My heart was pounding something fierce and Chuck was sweating nervously; his facial tics were getting the best of him. What were we supposed to say? We’d been lying to our friend for over a year, and we’d been pushing him away too. There wasn’t much to say, except:
“Pretty cool, huh?”
Phil looked around, admired the room and then nodded. “Definitely. Philly loves what he sees. Why didn’t you guys tell me?”
“We weren’t allowed to. It was the rule,” Chuck said.
“We wanted too, Phil, but it would have put you in danger as well.”
“I heard that whole announcement from Radar,” Phil said.
Crap – I forgot he was already in the barn before Radar hacked the system.
“Let me explain, Phil,” I said, gulping for the right words. “You see, when we were at -”
“No need to explain, Scout,” Phil interrupted. “I know what happened. We were planning a revenge prank on Radar at Battle of the Bands, but instead of ruining his bands’ performance you somehow stranded him on another planet? Dudes, that’s all kinds of classic! You got him so good! Forget overlapping his vocal track on stage, you guys were thinking outside of the box! Outside of the galaxy!”
I couldn’t believe this was going as well as it was.
“So you’re not mad?” Chuck asked.
“I’m a little mad. But if it was a rule, then it needed to be followed.”
This was great. Now, by default, Phil was going to be in the E.I.A. We could all be pals again!
“So, what now?” Phil asked. “You guys have to go to his space ship and take out the trash?”
“That’s the plan,” I said.
The three of us sat around the table for at least another half an hour, chatting and laughing away. We were able to explain everything to Phil; everything from Mandy, to Homeless Harry, to Blorf and his European Sphere Spear – it felt good to get it all out in the open.
Hastings came into the room and said, “It’s time.”
It was time.