When the room stopped spinning, I found I was in a different time, a different place. Or rather, it was a different time but the same place. I was clearly confused. I tried to take a few seconds to take in my surroundings.
I was in what appeared to be a large city filled with flying cars and people riding jet packs. The sky was blue, not a cloud to be seen.
What could be seen, however, was that the sky looked oddly...
glassy. I would later learn that this was because the entire city was inside a square glass dome. Nothing could enter, and nothing could leave. Nothing could be changed.
The next thing I noticed was that I could move once again, that I was no longer frozen in time. Man, me getting frozen or turned into a statue or something seems to happen to me a lot. Hope it doesn't happen again. But anyway, I needed to focus on the task at hand.
I could tell that I was clearly in the future, but what I couldn't tell was the location of the person who had sent me here. Where was Gordon Johnson? I looked all around me, until I looked down and realized I was standing on the roof of an immensely tall building. I lost my balance and began to slip. I would have fallen to my death if it were not for the helping hand of somebody. Somebody clearly strong.
Once I was back on my feet, I looked over at my saviour. A young man with muscles to spare. He had neat, tidy hair and wore plain grey clothes.
“Who are you? What are you doing up here?” the man asked.
“It would take too long to explain how I got here or who I am. Let's get onto solid ground and I'll explain to you the whole story,” I said.
“Alright,” The man said, guiding me down an escalator that went into the building.
As we both traveled down the escalator, I noticed holographic images on either side of me. All of them showed men and women and children all doing normal things. Going on normal picnics. Going to their normal boy's normal baseball game. Going to their normal girl's normal ballet recital.
But something didn't look right about them. For a start, each man and boy had exactly the same tidy hairstyle, and wore the same grey clothes. Each woman and girl had exactly the same tidy hairstyle, and wore the exact same grey dress.
Underneath these holographic posters were written slogans like “Being Normal Is The Best!” or “A Normal Life Is A Happy Life!”.
Once we'd reached the bottom of the escalators and went outside, I felt more confident in talking to this strange man.
“Alright. Now I feel like we can talk. My name is Al Norm. What's your name?” I asked.
“My name is John Smith. I've never heard of any body called Al Norm living in Normal,” John said.
“I'm not from here, I'm from--” I began, before John interrupted. His face turned angry for a moment.
“You're not from here? You're not one of them, are you? One of the supernatural,” John said.
“No,” I said, “But I-” I tried to continue, but John interrupted once more, his expression turning back to a smile.
“Good! I've never met a supernatural, but our leader, the great and noble Gordon Johnson, tells us that the supernatural want to ruin our peaceful, normal society. But anyway, if you're new, that means you deserve a proper introduction to Normal!” John said, then made a loud whistling noise with his fingers. Out of the dark came many men and women. All the men looked identical to all the other men, and all the women looked identical to all the other women.
And then, I am sorry to say, they started singing. What follows are the lyrics.
We Welcome You To Normal
Where Nothing Can Go Wrong
We Don't Fight, We Don't Argue
We Always Get Along
We Don't Cry, We Don't Complain We Always Stay The Same
Change Will Only Lead To Pain, Darkness And Bitter Shame
We Keep Things The Way They Were
Back In The Good Old Days
Our Lives Are So Much Better We Live Without Malaise
We Keep Our Lives Natural
The Way They're Meant To Be
If You Want To Be Happy
Normality's The Key
We Stay Away From The Weird,
The Bizarre And The Strange
We Stick To The Status Quo
Life's Better Without Change
Our Men Know That Their Place Is Being The Breadwinner
Woman's Place Is In The Home Cooking Up Some Dinner
That's The Way It Always Was
That's How It Must Always Stay
Don't Try To Change Or Fix Things There's Just No Better Way
Change Is Unpredictable
The Future Comes Too Fast
But You Can't Fear The Future
When You're Living In The Past
We Welcome You To Normal
A Place That's Proud And Strong
The Town Where Nothing Happens What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
Had they... had they finally stopped singing? Yes, they'd finally stopped.
It's not that the song was bad, but it wasn't good either. It was just... fine. OK. Normal.
“So basically what you're telling me is you all have flying cars and jetpacks, but you still act like this is 1950's America? What is this, The Jetsons?” I asked. I really didn't mean to sound so flippant, really I didn't. But considering what I had just been through, I really wasn't in the mood for any nonsense. I needed to find a way to get back to my own time so I could save everybody.
“You still seem to be a bit confused, Mr Norm. That's alright! I'll help you get used to Normal. I'll show you everything this town has to offer!” John said.
“I need to find somebody called Gordon Johnson,” I said.
“Gordon Johnson? That's our leader. He's very busy keeping Normal safe from the supernatural. You can't just go visit him,” John said.
“Well, you must at least know where he lives,” I said.
“Of course, he lives in that big tower over there,” John said, pointing to a tall skyscraper on the other end of town, easily the largest building for miles around.
“They have historic tours inside the tower every day. That's about as close as one can get to Gordon Johnson,” John said.
“Alright, let's go there then,” I said.
“You can't now, the tours don't start for another two hours,” John said, “but until then, I'll show you around,”
And show me around he did. First we went to a restaurant. It was called 'Normal Restaurant'. Everything there looked normal. The tables were normal. The chairs were normal. The walls were normal. The floor was normal.
John and I sat down at a normal table while a normal-looking waitress handed us our normal menu. All the listings were normal and non-descriptive. They had names like 'Chicken Soup' or 'Beef Stew', with no exciting descriptions or anything to spice things up.
“I'm glad you arrived right when all the men finished work, otherwise we wouldn't have been able to give you that musical number before,” John said.
“All the men in this town end work at the exact same time?” I asked.
“Of course! All men work from 9 to 5 and then go home to their families. To do otherwise wouldn't be normal,” John said.
“So what is your job?” I asked.
“I'm an engineer. That's a strong, manly job for a normal man to do, isn't it?” John asked.
“My sister is... or was... an engineer,” I said.
“Why would a woman want to be an engineer? They'd break a nail. There are a few jobs women are good at, such as being waitresses, but it's not normal for a woman to be an engineer,” John said.
“Well, who does all the work after all the men go home at 5pm? You still need people working after 5pm, like doctors, firemen, the police...” I said.
“We never need any of those! Normal is a perfect place where nothing bad ever happens. Every day in Normal is the same. Well, until you showed up, that is,” John said, suddenly looking suspicious.
“I guess we ought to order our meals now,” I said, “What's 'the special'?”
“Oh, that's great. It's a beef steak coated with garlic butter and wolfsbane, served with a big glass of water. It's great because each of those things corresponds to a weakness the supernaturals have,” John said.
“But wolfsbane is poisonous to us normal humans as well,” I said.
“Oh, it's not for eating, it's for protection from the supernatural,” John said.
“Are there still any supernaturals living in Normal?” I asked.
“Nope, not a single supernatural lives in Normal,” John said,
“Anyway, let's get something to eat. I think I'll get the chicken soup,”
“I'm not hungry,” I said. I looked over at a nearby newspaper. It didn't say what the date was, or even what day it was. It just read 'NORMAL TODAY'. The weather page showed that it was expected to be sunny every day for the next week, with zero chance of rain. The rest of the newspaper was blank. No news. Because everything stays the same.
John called over the waitress, and ordered the chicken soup. And then we returned to awkward silence. After a while, John broke the silence with his voice.
“So tomorrow, I'm going to help you get a job and start a family. It's not normal to be in Normal and be a single unemployed man. People will start spreading rumours that you're one of them – one of the supernaturals,” John said.
“I'm not planning on staying here for long, John. I just need to find Gordon Johnson and then I'm out of here,” I said.
“We in Normal all love Gordon Johnson, of course. He helped make Normal a normal place to live. But why are you so interested in him?” John asked.
“You wouldn't believe me if I told you,” I said.
“Try me,” John said.
“You all seem to think that Gordon Johnson is pretty great. But he's not,” I said. John's face became very, very pale, reminding me of Vlad.
“I'm from the past. Gordon Johnson murdered my friends and sent me into the future, which is now,” I said. John covered my mouth.
“I thought you were normal like the rest of us, but now you're talking all this crazy nonsense about time travel and Gordon being a bad person! You keep talking like that, and they're going to throw you out into the wastelands. Just like they did with my sister,” John murmured. I lowered my voice.
“What happened to your sister?” I asked.
“Well, see, we have very easy rules to follow in Normal, but my sister, for some reason, did not want to follow them.
Women in Normal all agree that it is not normal for a woman to get tattoos. It is not normal for a woman to dye her hair. It is not normal for a woman to get her nose pierced. It is not normal for a woman to drink alcohol. It is not normal for a woman to gamble. It is not normal for a woman to want to divorce her husband. It is not normal for a woman to not wish to have children. It is not normal for a woman to show interest in science or the arts. But my sister was doing all that and more.
She must have been brainwashed somehow, most likely by the supernaturals. Some witch or something enchanted her to go against her nature as a woman and do things a normal woman would never do! She had to be kicked out before she could infect our innocent minds with insane propaganda.
Oh, those crazy supernaturals. Even though I've never met one, I know exactly what they're like. They're against everything that is natural and normal.
They want us all to live in an irrational world filled with things that go against all logic and reason. I'm so glad I'm normal, unlike my sister,” John said.
“But it doesn't sound like your sister was doing anything bad,” I said.
“Maybe not, but it could have led to her to doing something bad! It's better not to change things. It's not normal for us, as normal human beings, to think outside of our boxes. Gordon Johnson teaches us that such a path will only end up making everyone unhappy. Do you want to make everyone unhappy?” John asked.
“Of course not, I was just saying--” I began, before John interrupted me once more. Should I tell him it's not normal to interrupt people?
“If everyone listened to people like my sister, we'd all be a race of degenerate, fat, ugly cretins with no standards or morality!
Criminals would be running rampant through the streets!” John said.
“How do you know that's exactly what would happen?” I asked.
“It might not, but if there's a chance something bad might happen, we should not follow that path. We should not do things that are not normal, because things that are not normal are not natural, and when we do things that are not natural, we are dooming the human race to extinction!
What would the world look like if we ignored nature? Armies of women in business suits and men dressed as ballerinas? And what's more, if we weren't normal, we'd be leaving ourselves open for an attack from the supernatural. Those supernatural freaks are just waiting for us to soften up so they can invade and destroy us all,” John said. His tone of voice was growing angrier.
“You need help. You all need help,” I said.
“What, you think we're the crazy ones? For being normal? Clearly you have let those supernaturals brainwash you into thinking everything abnormal is good!” John said.
“I don't think everything abnormal is automatically good. But just because something isn't normal doesn't mean it's automatically bad!” I exclaimed. There was a sudden silence all across the restaurant.
“I'm sorry for raising my voice like that,” I said. A woman on the other end of the room stood up and walked towards me.
“Don't be sorry, raising your voice is completely normal for a man to do. It was what you said while you were raising your voice that was cause for alarm,” the woman said, “your remarks very much make me regret taking part in that musical number before. And do you have any idea how long those take to practice?
Let me make something very clear to you, Al Norm. Humans are meant to behave in a normal way, just like birds are supposed to fly!” the woman said. Later it would occur to me that I had never told this woman my name.
“But there are lots of birds that can't fly. Penguins, ostriches, emus, kiwis, wekas, and so on. Granted, I don't know how many of those still exist in the future, but they're all still birds. And the same goes for humans. They're all still birds. No, wait, that's not what I meant,” I said.
“Enough of your disgusting talk. Can't you see how upset you're making everyone?” the woman asked. I looked around the restaurant. Nobody looked upset. In fact, quite a few of them seemed quite interested in what I was saying.
“What are penguins? Tell us more about penguins,” an elderly man asked.
“They're a type of bird that can swim,” I began, before the woman interrupted me.
“WHICH IS NOT NORMAL FOR A BIRD TO DO, AND SO WE SHALL CEASE DISCUSSION OF IT!” the woman shouted. I ceased discussion of it.
“Well, I've finished my chicken soup, so we shall go now, Al,” John said, forcefully grabbing my hand as he began to make my way to the door.
“Not so fast. I just so happen to work for Gordon Johnson. I believe it would be for the best if Gordon and Al had a little chat,” the woman said.
“I certainly have some choice words that I would like to share with him,” I said.
“Well then you're coming with me,” the woman said, grabbing me by the scruff of my shirt. She dragged me out of the restaurant and to a long black limousine. It stuck out like a sore thumb, as all the other cars were all normal, all the same model and all the same colour.
I wondered about what would happen, about what my punishment would be. As it turned out, we did not have to wait for very long, for very soon we came to the tallest tower in the town, and we rode the elevator in silence all the way to the top floor.
Once we had reached the top, I found myself facing Gordon Johnson, sitting at his desk, a window behind him giving a view of all of Normal.
“Well, well, well. I'd like to say that I'm surprised, but that would be a ridiculous lie. I already know how you have been adjusting to the future normal, that is to say, not at all. I give you the chance at true normality, a life free of supernatural strife, and you squander it with your disgusting words and remarks,” Gordon said.
“What is your real story, Gordon Johnson? How did you come to follow such an extreme point of action, meddling about with space and time so you could have Normal just the way you wanted it?” I asked.
“In my original timeline, I grew up in a world surrounded by all these supernatural freaks. Nobody ever treated me like I was somebody special! Why? Why did they get to be special?!?” Gordon asked.
Gordon paused for a breath, then continued.
“So I grew to be proud of my normality, my lack of uniqueness. I was happy not to be a vampire, a werewolf, a witch, or a fairy. I was normal, and that was what mattered. Being normal yourself, I would have assumed you knew what that was like.
But still, the supernaturals meddled in my life. A werewolf stole my girlfriend. A vampire took my job. And their influence just kept on making everybody act weirder and weirder! Nobody was acting in a natural way! Single parents! I couldn't stand it. So I dedicated my life to learning about time travel.
I found out there was a certain event in the past, an event that would decide the fates of the normal and the supernatural alike. That would be the night you married your beloved werewolf fiance, Ruby.
This world, this normal world where nobody has to fear their lover leaving them, or losing their job, or coming into any sort of conflict, is so much better than the world I left behind!
If you can't see that, then the only option is to get rid of you. But I won't be satisfied with just tossing you aside into the wastelands, no,” Gordon said, then pushed a button under his desk. The window behind him opened.
“Dear all normal citizens who can hear me down there, I thank you for your normality. To make sure your normality continues, and you aren't tempted into believing fairy tales of embracing the weird, the abnormal and the unnatural, I will be executing this citizen for high acts of treason!” Gordon declared, grabbing me by my shirt, and holding me over the window. How was he so strong all of a sudden? It didn't matter, what mattered was that I was now at his mercy.
“So, do you have any last words before your deserved demise, you filthy, disgusting morally-reprehensible lover of freaks and the unnatural?” Gordon asked. I thought about it for a moment. The words just came to me, like water through a stream.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
Listen to me, people of Normal. I can understand why you feel the way you do. Why you would prefer a world of dull normality over a life filled with unpredictable events. But ask yourself, is this really what we are destined for? To just mill about day after day after day, nothing ever changing, always the same thing? Never anything new or interesting to discover? Everything always the same and predictable?
And if that really is the way the world is meant to be, if it is impossible to embrace the weird and live a happy life, if it is impossible to co-exist with the supernaturals, if it is impossible to ever make things any better than they are right now, if, in short, a normal world is a broken world, why should we spend it simply content?
Even if a better world is completely impossible, it seems to me that I would never be happy just to accept living in a broken world. It seems to me that a better life would be one spent doing everything one could chasing the possibility of a better world, even if that world will never, ever come. That is much better than to just accept that it's natural and normal for everybody to be a certain way.
The future terrifies me as well, but without the future, we cannot have dreams. The solution to fearing the future is not to live in the past, to go back to some fabled 'good old days', it's to face the weirdness head on, to accept it, to live in a world where you don't know what might happen next. Maybe your wife will leave you.
Maybe you'll lose your job. Maybe your town will be destroyed. Maybe your whole life will change. But it's better that way!
You can tell me it's not natural, you can tell me it's not normal, but if this is what a normal world looks like, then I embrace the supernatural! I embrace the strange, the weird and the chaotic! I embrace it all, with every risk and danger that carries! I want to live in a world where I can feel miserable, angry, shameful, disgusted and not just be contented with everything!
I don't want a world of normality and safety! I don't want a world where I feel content! I want a world that has a future, even if that future isn't what I might want!
That is why you all fear the supernatural, isn't it? It isn't the fact that they're vampires, or werewolves, or fairies, or witches, is it? It's the fact that they're not normal, and if they're not normal, then you don't know what to expect! That's what the word supernatural means – to go above and beyond that which is natural!
And if that's the case, then you have it all wrong! We shouldn't live lives of natural contentment, we should set our sights to go beyond nature! I will never become a vampire, a werewolf, a fairy, a witch or any other manner of otherworldly creature, but I will always be a supernatural, I will always go above and beyond what nature commands of me, and if I can't, then I shall die trying!” I said.
The silence in the air felt like it lasted forever. But then... one person began clapping. Then a group of people began clapping. Then just about everyone was clapping, and there were numerous cheers.
“Why are they cheering? Surely they can't agree with what you just said,” Gordon said.
“I believe they're cheering because, despite everything you did to turn people away from the supernatural, there is still a part of them that wishes for something more than just the normal. Though you certainly tried very hard. You set fire to the supernatural task force. You gave a woman the midas touch. You hired gangs of vampires and werewolves to attack Normal. You sent an evil clown after me. You even sent Arabella to kill me when I first came to Normal, but they all failed,” I said. At that, Gordon pulled me back into the building.
“Arabella? Who in the name of all things normal is Arabella?” Gordon asked. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the woman who had brought me here. She was smirking. I turned to face her.
“Hello, Arabella,” I said.
The woman began cackling madly, and there was a sudden flash of lightning and a boom of smoke. Once the smoke cleared, Arabella was there, just as she had been when she had tried to turn me into a statue. Her red dress was radiant, and her face held a devilish grin.
“What's going on?” Gordon asked. Arabella struck him with a bolt of lightning, sending him reeling over the desk.
“It's nice to see not all mortal men are completely thick. I was an assistant to Gordon Johnson for years, and he never suspected a thing. But as far as normal men go, you are anything but normal, Al Norm,” Arabella said. The room was slowly beginning to glow red.
“What are you doing here? Death sent you to the next world,” I said, already looking around the room for some form of escape. Well, there was the window. But I preferred a method of escape that didn't mean my immediate death.
“Indeed he did, and it has taken me centuries to come back. I've had a lot of time to bring my plan to fruition. And Gordon here is the reason why I was able to come back. No supernaturals means no supernatural defenses, and thus it was much easier to cheat my way back into this realm. For years I have watched these normal mortals live out their pathetically dull lives. But now, they will answer to me,” Arabella said, and with a flick of her wand, a red beam of energy flew out the window and struck the people below.
They began to all transform into strange beasts and creatures. I could not even begin to describe what I was seeing.
“What are you doing, you crazy witch?!? These are my people!!” Gordon said.
“Oh, Gordon, Gordon, Gordon. Gordon... is there something wrong? Or are you just upset that your life isn't a perfect little fairy-tale where the good guy saves everyone from the big, scary dragon and goes home to marry his sweetheart and everyone lives happily ever after?” Arabella asked. She laughed maniacally.
Her laughter echoed off the walls, and with each echo, the walls turned into scorpions. Soon there were scorpions everywhere. The roof was beginning to melt like grilled cheese, and the desk grew a pair of buxom legs and began goosestepping out the window. Arabella pointed her wand directly at Gordon's face.
“But before I kill you, I want you to know this is all your fault. By making everything around you unbearably normal, you just made it far easier to attack. I would never have this kind of power back in the old Normal. And now that you've rid Normal of the supernatural, there is no force that can stop me. You created this world. Isn't it beautiful?” Arabella asked, as more than a trillion purple-and-pink butterflies rose out of the floorboards whil