Chapter 12
Christmas time had come to the Breadbasket and after a good night's sleep, a warm bubble bath, five Lortabs, and a few shot of straight whiskey, Galaxy-Man was feeling much better. He hobbled a bit when he walked, and made overly dramatic grunting noises as he moved, but he was mostly okay. On Christmas morning, he, Cherry and Stevie were on their way to Earth. Apparently they had failed to notice the last time the dongle that was right there on Earth. This was perfect actually because Galaxy-Man's second favorite band of all time, Funkmaster Shades, would be performing live there later that night.
Even though Galaxy-Man and Cherry were both atheists, they still celebrated Christmas. Who wouldn't wanna be a part of Christmas? For them, Christmas wasn't about some man in the desert who lived a long time ago, but about having a good time and spreading joy to loved ones. Since Galaxy-Man and Cherry would be away this Christmas, Hamilton agreed to celebrate Christmas the day after just so he could spend it with his best friends. What a nice guy Hamilton was.
On the ship was a Christmas tree that Galaxy-Man and Cherry had stolen from Hamilton's living room. It was adorned with shiny red and green balls, which for some reason is a symbol of Christmas. It was a real tree and it was strung with popcorn, though, Galaxy-Man and Cherry had eaten it all for breakfast that morning. Under it were presents to be opened the next day. They took the tree for no other reason than that it looked pretty. Galaxy-Man really liked the ambient light it gave off so he put it in the Whomper to give off good vibes. They kept all the other lights on the ship turned off, which made things feel more Christmas-y for them.
Galaxy-Man was sitting in his throne with his feet up on the dashboard watching Pandora Hearts on Hamilton's tablet, drinking a bit of adult lemonade and smoking a grape cigarillo. “Wait, why did they put Oz in jail?” he asked the show. “He ain't even did nothin', man.”
Cherry was sitting on the couch with Stevie in her lap reading a book about psychology, and like her book on helium, she just couldn't put it down! “Hey Dad, did you know that people who spend money on experiences rather than material possessions tend to be happier?”
“What about Lite-Brite?” asked Galaxy-Man. “Now there's an experience.”
“What's Lite-Brite?” countered Cherry.
Galaxy-Man was shocked at this. “You've never heard of Lite-Brite!?”
Cherry thought hard and stroked her imaginary beard. “Isn't that one of those big hoops you push with a stick?”
Galaxy-Man just stared at Cherry in utter amazement. “Did they just unfreeze you!?”
“Well excuse me.”
Galaxy-Man just shook his head and drank another sip of his lemonade.”
“Whatcha drinkin'?” asked Cherry.
“Lemonade mixed with Captain Morgan,” replied Galaxy-Man. “It's pretty terrible. Wanna try?”
“Yessir,” said Cherry as she got off the couch and Stevie reluctantly had to find a new place to nap. What a pain. Cherry walked over to Galaxy-Man. She took the lemonade and drank some. “Ugh, that's really bad,” she laughed.
“I told ya,” said Galaxy-Man.
“Hey, Dad, can... I ask you something?”
“You just did, so apparently you can.”
Cherry looked a bit serious, like something troubling was on her mind.
“What's wrong, Cher?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“Why do you let me drink and smoke and stuff?”
“Because I respect you.”
Cherry began walking back over to the couch. “Yeah, but I'm just a kid," she said as she sat down.
“To tell you the truth, kiddo, I'd rather you didn't do those things, but I also think you're the smartest person I know, and I trust you'll make the right choices in life. If you wanna drink and stuff that's your business and I'll never try to stop you. Wanna know why I drink and do drugs?
“To fool yourself into thinking you're happy?”
“No, fool! I do this stuff because my dad told me I couldn't, and I was curious. He was strict and I really resented him for that, made me rebellious.”
“Hey, Dad,”
“What's up?”
Cherry smiled. “I think I'm gonna keep clean from now on. Well, maybe a spot of wine every now again for when we play Monopoly. I need be good and drunk to make that game fun.”
“Groovy,” smiled Galaxy-Man. “I've got so much respect for you right now.”
Cherry walked over and gave Galaxy-Man a big bear hug. “I love you, Dad.”
As the two had a nice warm hug, Galaxy-Man patted Cherry on the back. “Don't ever change, kiddo.”
Some might say that Galaxy-Man's style of parenting was dangerous and irresponsible, but one thing was sure – he loved Cherry more than anything and wanted her to be a good person. Galaxy-Man saw her more as a friend rather than a daughter, and that's why their relationship worked so well. For Galaxy-Man, respect and openness were the most important aspect of any friendship. He believed in being open with Cherry, giving her praise when she did well, as well as calling her out when she did bad. Galaxy-Man believed in leniency, but also in building a mutual respect and in keeping things real. Parents who are too strict will have children who resent them and are more likely to disobey them, while parents who are too lenient will likely have children who will take advantage of them. Sure, Galaxy-Man was a lenient dad, but the respect they shared for each other made it very unlikely that Cherry would ever disobey or take advantage of him. Only a fool would do something to hurt his or her best friend.
Before long, Earth was in sight... but there was a problem – they were going much too fast.
“Uh-oh,” said Galaxy-Man as he broke into a fierce sweat, “hang on to something 'cause we are goin' down!!” He was bathed in red lights as he flipped switches and mashed buttons like it was going out of style.
Cherry was sick and tired of Galaxy-Man crashing all the time. “God-freaking-dammit this is getting old!!”
They were going to a hotel in England where Cutty and Maudeville were staying. Cutty stayed in a new hotel just about every night when they were on tour. This hotel in England was particularly nice. It was of Victorian style and each room had its own balcony. Nicer still, it was only a short walk away from the marvelously mysterious Stonehenge.
Coming down at a ridiculous speed, Galaxy-Man did everything he possibly could to bring the Whomper to a safe landing. They finally touched down hard in a grassy field. They slid a long ways before, sure enough, finally crashing into Stonehenge itself, completely destroying the prehistoric monument! Galaxy-Man and Cherry tightly closed their eyes and gritted their teeth as they knew they'd messed up bad this time – or rather, Galaxy-Man had messed up.
“Ah crap,” said Galaxy-Man, “I just destroyed an historical landmark, didn't I?”
“Pretty much,” nodded Cherry.
Galaxy-Man got up out of his throne and walked over to the door of the ship. “Maybe it's not that bad,” he said optimistically.
“They were already ruins, right?” asked Cherry. “Who cares?”
“Yeah, screw history,” said Galaxy-Man. “Everybody died, the end.” Galaxy-Man stuck out his head to gauge the damage. It did not look good. Every stone was knocked over and far away from where it originally was. Tourists were petrified with confusion and things were deathly silent. Everyone stared at Galaxy-Man, perhaps expecting some sort of response. Galaxy-Man didn't have a clue as what to say. He was sweaty and nervous as an antelope at a lion convention.
“Uh,” he said with everyone watching, “Um, I... I got to go.” He poked his head back inside and slowly walked over to the helm. “Ugh, that was so awful.”
“What's the damage?” asked Cherry.
“Not good,” replied Galaxy-Man.
Cherry started cracking up. “You knocked over Stonehenge,” she giggled.
Galaxy-Man smiled. “Yeah, yuk it up,”
Galaxy-Man took the ship off the ground and flew over to the hotel, hoping and praying he didn't get arrested for his crimes against humanity. This was a pretty bad thing even for Galaxy-Man's absurd standards, though, he actually found it sort of hilarious. After all, who cares about a bunch of dumb rocks in a field that don't do anything?
Once at the hotel, they went up to Cutty's room and banged on her door. She looked very happy to see Galaxy-Man and Cherry. “Hi guys,” she said. “Merry Christmas.”
“And a merry Christmas to you, madam,” said Galaxy-Man politely as he tipped his usual imaginary hat. “You look so much happier than last time.”
“Yeah,” added Cherry. “You look as happy as a Corgi on stilts.”
“I'm feeling much better today,” said Cutty. “Our adventure together really made me appreciate life a whole lot more I think.”
“I'm glad to hear that, Cutty, I really am,” said Galaxy-Man, “but we need to get gone fast.”
“Um, okay,” said Cutty, “lemme just grab my sword real quick. I've been taking it everywhere. It's crazy.”
After grabbing the Durandal, it was time to go. The gang promptly walked aboard the Whomper. Cutty noticed that the ship had been damaged since the last time she saw it. “What happened to the ship?” she asked.
“We crashed into Stonehenge,” said Cherry as if it were no big thing.
“Ah,” said Cutty as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.
Galaxy-Man quickly readied the ship for take-off before the fuzz showed up. “Yeah, it was hilarious. You shoulda been there, man.”
Cutty and Cherry sat down on the couch, and, sure enough, Stevie had to lie down in Cutty's lap.
“Aww, Stevie really likes you,” gushed Cherry.
Stevie began purring and making biscuits on Cutty's inner thigh. “Ow!” yelped Cutty. She hoped Stevie would stop, but she had other plans.
Cherry picked Stevie up off of Cutty's lap. “Get off of her, you sillyhead,” she said.
“So where are we headed, guys?” asked Cutty. Cutty actually had no idea where they were going. Galaxy-Man never gave his friends much information on what they'd be doing. He'd call and simply tell them to be ready.
“I've got it all planned out,” said Galaxy-Man, very sure of things. “First we're gonna embark on an epic quest for the second dongle, then I've got something special planned for just me and you, then we're all gonna go see Funkmaster Shades live in concert together, then we're gonna go back to The Breadbasket and watch animated Christmas specials, and then, finally, tomorrow morning, we're gonna celebrate Christmas at Hamilton's. Everyone's gonna be there, man. It's gonna be fun-and-a-half.”
“Wow,” said Cutty, “you've really thought this out.”
“Indeed I have,” smiled Galaxy-Man, “and it shall be most fantastic!”
This was sure to be the best day ever. Galaxy-Man wasn't the type of person to plan things out, but he really wanted this day to be special, and did everything he could to make things perfect. With the gang all together, Galaxy-Man flew the Whomper to a place on Earth called Far Land.
“Why didn't we just get this dongle last time?” asked Cutty.
Cherry looked embarrassed and looked at her shoes. “I guess I thought the little dot on the monitor was us or something,” said Cherry. “We were so close, you know?”
“Oh well,” added Galaxy-Man, “everyone makes mistakes... except for Hamilton; he's perfect.”
The DongleDar led them to what appeared to be a watermelon patch.
“Did you know that watermelon rinds are actually the healthiest part?” asked Cherry.
“Hm, I didn't know that,” said Cutty.
Galaxy-Man brought the ship to a safe landing this time. They landed in a muddy area of dense vegetation. “Alright, men,” he said, “we don't know what's out there so be on your toes.”
“Don't worry guys,” said Cutty, “my sword will scare off any baddies who try any funny business.”
“Groovy,” said Galaxy-Man as the gang walked over to the door.
Before leaving however, Cutty donned her green boxing gloves. She'd become quite fond of wearing them actually.
“What's with the Sock'em boppers?” asked Cherry. “Haven't your cuts healed by now?”
“Yeah,” said Cutty, “but I still like wearing them though. They're kinda cool I think.”
“Right on,” said Galaxy-Man as the gang walked out into the unknown.
Galaxy-Man led the way as they walked off the gangplank. He was still in a fair amount of pain from the fall and he couldn't walk so good, and plus he was a little drunk. When he stepped onto the ground he instantly staggered and fell over like a house of dominoes.
“Oh no!!” shouted Galaxy-Man. “This land is inhabited by some sort of evil race of plant men!”
Cherry knew that Galaxy-Man was just drunk, but Cutty saw things differently. She rushed to his aid. “I'll save you, Galaxy-Man!” Cutty was fairly impressionable as it turned out. In the short time that she'd known Galaxy-Man her life had changed so much and she'd seen so many things; she learned to just go with things. In her eyes Galaxy-Man really was being attacked. She ran in with her sword and started slashing melons like she were going for the Fruit Ninja world record or something.
Cherry stood still with her hands in her pockets watching Cutty “kill” the watermelons. Stevie stood next to her licking her paw then rubbing her head. Even she knew that Galaxy-Man was in no real danger.
“Ten profit says the watermelon wins,” Cherry muttered to Stevie.
“Wait a tic,” said Galaxy-Man. “It's just a bunch of melons, yo, and not the fun kind.”
Just then Cherry noticed a boy and a girl standing in the distance. “Yo, Dad, I think we got company.”
The boy looked angry and kinda crazed, but the girl seemed indifferent. They walked over to the Whomper and the gang didn't know what to make of things. Floating behind the children was a spiny, wedge-shaped, navy blue creature. The boy was around 13 and had shaggy, messy brown hair and a jewel-encrusted watermelon crown on his head. He wore an orange shirt, a brown belt a with little gold belt buckle, black pants and black shoes. The girl was about 11 and missing her left arm at the elbow. She had thick red hair and wore a mint green poof-ball hat with white stripes. She had an orange T-shirt, white overalls with yellow buttons and a badge that read “mother” over her heart, and red shoes. The girl also pushed around a gigantic ball of yarn, which Cutty thought was absolutely adorable. They were certainly a colorful group of characters, but no more so than they were: Galaxy-Man wore a cape, Cherry had blue hair, and Cutty had a sword and boxing gloves. What a bunch of weirdos.
“hola, amigos modo fresco,” said Galaxy-Man, thinking they were Spanish for God knows why.
For several seconds nobody made a peep, and things became deathly silent. The boy looked at all the sliced melons and shed a tear. His left hand began to quiver as he looked to the ground and placed his hand over his mouth. He was clearly very emotional about the melons. The girl didn't seem as bothered, but still a bit sad. The blue creature that hovered around them was very odd; he broke the silence and began making a noise that sounded as though he were saying “wobbus, wobbus, wobbus.”
The boy opened his mouth as if were about to speak. Galaxy-Man and co listened closely to whatever he was about to say. Other than the sound of the wind and the occasional “wobbus,” things were painfully silent. As the boy was about to speak, he faltered and began to cry. His lip quivered and he bit his fist. You'd think the watermelons were his brothers and sisters or something. He was a very strange little boy. Even the way he carried himself was odd. He stood bowlegged and kept his arms outward from his body with his fists clinched. He almost looked as though he were flexing at all times, though, he was very thin and weak.
“Sends this folks to the Briggle,” said the boy in a soft girlish voice, finally breaking the long silence.
“Whoa there, pilgrim,” said Galaxy-Man, “there's no need to send anybody to the Briggle. Also, what's a Briggle?”
The girl walked over and gently grabbed Galaxy-Man's hand. “Sorry about this,” she said quietly. She spoke with a heavy Irish accent. “Pete's really let that crown go to his head,” she continued. The boy's name was Pete.
It was then that Galaxy-Man saw that the clear plastic dongle was at the center of the crown.
Everyone shrugged their shoulders and followed the girl without hesitation. They were a bit curious to see what a “Briggle” was actually. They were walking up a dirt path to the top of a hill, but couldn't make out what was on top. The blue creature followed them, but Pete stayed behind.
“I'm Mint,” said the girl as she rolled her yarn ball along, “and this is Wobbus.”
“Good name,” said Cherry, “it fits.”
“Thanks,” said Mint, “he's my best friend. We do everything together.”
“What about that boy back there?” asked Cutty. “Who's he supposed to be, Captain Melonhead?”
“He's Pete,” replied Mint. “We met after my hometown was destroyed by cats and we've been like peas and carrots ever since. He's... kinda silly.”
“Looked like he had some demons back there,” said Galaxy-Man.
“I'm sorry,” said Mint. “He's usually lovely, but when we started this melon farm together he gave himself a crown and now he thinks he's a real king. He's been a touch bossy lately.”
“Bummer, man,” said Galaxy-Man.
They finally reached the top of the hill and saw the aforementioned Briggle. It naught but a topless cardboard box on its side with steel chicken wire on the front; it was a jail built by children.
“That's the Briggle?” asked Cutty.
“Yeah,” said Mint, “now I have to lock you up I'm afraid. Sorry.”
“Aw, what?” asked Cherry. “For how long?”
“For all of eternity I think,” answered Mint, unsure.
Mint lifted the chicken wire and the gang willingly crawled into the Briggle. She was too adorable and no one wanted to make things difficult for her. Once they were inside, Mint pushed a brick in front of the Briggle cage to hold it in place, and then she walked away. It was a nice box, and Stevie was in absolute heaven. She was as happy as a... well, a cat in a box. She could barely contain herself and simply couldn't decide which corner to sleep in.
Galaxy-Man was feeling a bit more distressed however. “We're trapped for all eternity!!” he cried.
“Slow your roll, Dad,” said Cherry. “It's just a box, dude.”
“Yeah,” agreed Cutty, “she even let me keep my sword in here.”
“So we may yet escape this terrible dungeon of horrors?”
“By my sword, Galaxy-Man,” said Cutty in her best renaissance accent, “this, I swear to you.” She then cut a square hole in the box and everyone crawled through, except for Stevie was too busy doing nothing at all.
“This is no time to rest, madam Stevie,” said Galaxy-Man. “Come, we must make haste!”
The gang walked down the hill back to where they were before. From there they could see Pete and Mint behind a tree. They trudged through fields of watermelons over to them. Pete was sitting in a throne and Mint was standing by his side.
Pete was shocked that they were able to escape. “What in the name of Cheesasaurus H. Rex be this!?” he asked.
“Look, dude,” said Galaxy-Man, “we actually need that jewel on yo nop. There's a brand new iPod in it for you.”
“Isn't that Hamilton's iPod?” asked Cherry.
“Shh,” said Galaxy-Man, “I don't want him to know about all the crappy christian music on it.”
Cherry crossed her arms. “Like random people on other planets know who the hell Hamilton is.”
“Bah!” yelled Pete. “I fart at your offer! Hehehe.”
“Come on, dude,” said Galaxy-Man, “be cool, yo.”
“Maiden Mint,” said Pete, “I wants these dusty old fogeys BANISHED... from my perfect kingdomlandshire.”
Mint then took the gang over to a white picket fence at the edge of the farm. She lifted a section of the fence that wasn't nailed to anything. “By the order of the king, I banish thee,” said Mint unenthusiastically.
They all shrugged their shoulders and crawled through, not wanting to make things difficult for her. Once outside Mint placed the section of fence back and walked away.
Galaxy-Man started to lose it again. “No hope!! No hope!!” he yelled way too loudly.
“Calm down, Dad,” said Cherry.
“Yeah,” agreed Cutty, “the fence is like 4 ft high at best. Stevie's already on the other side actually.” Stevie was on the other side trying to catch a jumpy cricket. She almost caught it.
“Then the day is not lost?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“By my butt, Sir Junkwagon,” said Cherry, “this, I swear to you.”
They then hopped the fence and walked back over to Pete and Mint.
Pete was sitting in his throne sideways with his feet hanging out the side eating a cabbage with both hands. “They be back!” he yelled.
Mint was sitting up against the tree knitting a Christmas hat with her yarn. It was amazing watching her knit with only one hand. “What a shocker,” she said sarcastically.
“Send them through the portal to HELL!!" screamed Pete, bits of cabbage spewing from his mouth.
“I think yer losing yer marbles, Pete,” said Mint. “We don't have a portal to h-” Mint blushed because she almost said a bad word. “We don't have a portal to... that place.”
“Darn,” said Pete, “I know this to be true. Very well, then I hereby declare war on your faces! Have the armies release the ICE DRAGON!!”
“Pete, we don't have any of these things, silly,” said Mint.
Pete looked very disheartened. “Aw, why nots?” he asked. “What kinda king doesn't even have an ice dragon?”
“Pete, yer taking this game too seriously. Yer not really a king, silly.”
“I'm not?” asked Pete. “But I've got this crown.”
Galaxy-Man chimed and gave his two cents. “Dude, a crown doesn't make you a king.”
Pete put his hand over his mouth and shed another tear. No one said anything and silence returned. He opened his mouth a couple of times as if to speak, but was too worked up to get the words out. He put both palms over his face like he was about to start bawling, but he did something a little unexpected, he started laughing. “Hehehe, I'm just a boy with a melon on his head,” he giggled, “jobless, hungry; I was a big greasy fool, hold the mayo. Mycaruba!”
“I'm... glad to hear it?” said a very confused Cherry.
“Here,” said Pete. “I want you to have the jewel.” He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a dongle. Unlike the last dongle, this one was yellow.
“Groovular,” said Galaxy-Man.
“Thanks for playing,” said Mint. “It was a lot of fun.”
“We had fun, too,” smiled Cutty.
“Twas fun,” agreed Galaxy-Man, “but I'm afraid we must be taking our leave now.”
“You sure?” asked Mint. “We're going to a Christmas party later on today if you guys wanna tag along.”
“I'm afraid I must decline thine offer, o maiden of-”
“Can we stop with the freakin' accents!?” interrupted Cherry.
Everyone had a good laugh. It was like the ending to a campy Saturday morning cartoon.