Chapter 2
According to Galaxy-Man, the Star Whomper was the fastest ship in the galaxy. The ship's engines worked by warping the empty space around it, sort of like an air bubble rising up through a pond. The engines received their incredible power by tapping into what's called the “field dimension.” It's a dimension of space that's chock full of exotic energy just waiting to be harnessed. Since it constantly pulled in energy from a practically infinite source, the Star Whomper could theoretically run forever assuming nothing broke. The weird thing about field energy is that the only known way to capture it is by the power of a very particular brainwave pattern that some animals could possess given the proper drugs, though few actually did. In fact, the most important part of the Star Whomper was a large brain kept in an aquarium wired to the engines, an elephant's brain to be exact, living in a simulated reality. Galaxy-Man's tech-savvy friend back home, JupiterRay, designed the virtual world in which the brain lived. It was actually an online video game that anyone could log on to. The elephant's name was Eli and he wondered the world helping or hindering players. So, in short, intergalactic space travel is possible by warping space-time using the brainwaves of a drugged elephant who lives in a video game to pull energy from another dimension; it's pretty simple stuff really.
Along the way, Galaxy-Man stopped at a way station for salt and vinegar chips and a slushie. He was very partial to Sunkist slushies actually. With his overly salty chips and his frozen soda treat, he was on his way to Cinetron 16, the moviegoers planet. He could've easily gone to his local theater, but the seats were better at Cinetron theaters, and Galaxy-Man was picky about where he sat. Most importantly, each of the seats there had two armrests, none of that shared armrest, no-where-to-put-your-drink hooey.
Galaxy-Man was becoming more and more excited by the second. He could barely contain himself. He was as happy as a tornado in a trailer park. He was so worked up in fact, that he had to put on some smooth jazz to calm his nerves.
“Hello ladies and gentlemen,” said Galaxy-Man in his sexiest weatherman's voice, “this is your local on the 8s. Looks like we got a 95% chance of smooth grooves, baby.”
Stevie opened her eyes slightly and let out a tiny meow.
Galaxy-Man got up from his throne and started softly dancing as he slowly boogied his shirt off. He whirled and swayed across the ship over to a pile of miscellaneous junk and started digging around. “You seen my back scratcher, the one that looks like a little rake?” he asked Stevie.
Stevie just yawned and rolled over, not a care to give.
The Star Whomper was positively filthy. It looked like a thrift store run by raccoons, and smelled about as nice.
“Here it is! It was underneath the Uncle Sam hat I jacked from that fat kid. That was the best Christmas ever.”
He scratched to his heart's content. Too long had his back gone unscratched. “Oh, that's so much better!” he moaned loudly.
Just as he was happily itching away at his back, the Whomper was hit hard and he was knocked to his knees. Stevie quickly hightailed into the kitchen area of the ship and crawled into a cabinet. That was where she always ran to when things got hairy. Stevie was something of a fraidy cat.
“Oh my science, what the Mama Jama was that?” He got up and walked over to the window. Outside was an alien spacecraft mounted with laser cannons. They were space piratas, Mexican space bandits. They were mean, they were nasty and they liked their sauce hot. They pillaged and plundered any spacecraft they could pick up on their space-radar. A space-radar was sort of like a regular radar, but used waves that traveled faster than light. Their spacecraft resembled a work van complete with orange stepladder and air hoses on top and an igloo cooler mounted on the back. “Dang it, I don't have time for this horse malarkey!” yelled Galaxy-Man.
They fired another laser of the ship and Galaxy-Man fell all the way to his back. “Grrr, looks like we got a 100% chance of I'M PISSED OFF!!” He rushed over to the controls and maneuvered the ship into firing position. On the front of his ship were two powerful laser cannons that Galaxy-Man had painted to look like a goat's eyes. There was apparently a joke behind that, but Galaxy-Man was too drunk went he did it to remember what it was. With a crooked grin and sweat beading in his brow, he grabbed a joystick with both hands and not-so-carefully aimed the cannons at the piratas. “How bout a little laser eye surgery!?” he yelled.
Still very shirtless, Galaxy-Man opened fire and an epic battle ensued, all to the tune of sweet, smooth jazz. Hundreds of deadly laserbolts danced across space like Gradius on hard mode, and Galaxy-Man was sweating like a horse trying to read. He fired like there was no tomorrow, stopping only to take the occasional swig of his orange slushie. “How many Mexicans does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Juan!!” He landed a crippling blow to the enemy ship and the piratas fled, shouting horrible obscenities in Spanish, though, in space no one can hear you swear so it was pretty pointless.
“Yeah! You mess with the goat and you get the horn! Unless they're born genetically hornless... which they sometimes are.”
The battle was over and the day was won. To celebrate, Galaxy-Man cracked open an ice-cold IBC root beer from his secret stash. Normally Galaxy-Man would get completely sauced before seeing a movie, but he wanted to be good and sober this time around so he could remember it, plus he didn't want to get kicked out of the theater yet again. He hadn't drank or done any hard drugs in several weeks actually.
Stevie crawled out from her cozy cabinet and stretched. “Thanks for all your help, Stevie,” said Galaxy-Man sarcastically. He smiled and laughed as Stevie brushed up against his leg. “Want some IBC? Here you go, man.” He poured some root beer into Stevie's bowl and she lapped it up like fresh cream. “Don't ever change, Stevie.”
A short while later, Cinetron 16 was in sight. It was a planet of extremes: harsh deserts, biting tundras, dense jungles, molten lakes of fire and brimstone, boggy swamps, rugged mountain ranges, deep canyons and windswept plains, all within miles of the visitor center. This made Cinetron 16 the perfect place for making blockbuster movies. The planet's entire economy was based solely on movies and movie paraphernalia.
With Kenny G. blaring at an unreasonably high volume, he entered the planet's atmosphere at an incredible speed. He was going much too fast. What in the world was he thinking? “Hang on to your butt, Stevie. We're going down!” Bathed in flashing red light and sweating profusely, Galaxy-Man pushed buttons, pulled levers and did anything he could to bring the vessel to a safe landing, stopping only to stuff his maw with tater chips. "I could sure use a good one liner about now!!" he yelled as he neared the surface, crumbs spewing from his mouth when he spoke. The Star Whomper came careening toward the ground and hit hard, like an iron train hitting the side of a mountain. It slid a good 100 meters through a gritty desert. It was a miracle it stayed in one piece. Once the ship had come to a complete crash, a tiny parachute deployed from the ship's rear, too little too late.
Galaxy-Man's throne had fallen backwards into the floor along with the man himself, though, his slushie remained unspilled despite all the jostling. He and Stevie were a little shaken up, but ultimately okay. Galaxy-Man stylishly rolled backwards onto his feet, not spilling a drop of his beverage. He walked over to the exit and pushed a button to open the metal door.
He undid the latch to the screen door, opened up and poked his head outside to see where he was. He was in a desert a short ways from the theater. “Looks like we're a little late, Stevie. Wanna just walk from here? Beats paying two profit for parking. No thanks, man.”
And so Galaxy-Man and Stevie began their mile or so trek through the blistering desert.
“Jeez, it's not that hot” said, Galaxy-Man, though he was sorely mistaken.
“No really, it's kinda balmy. It's actually pretty pleasant.”
The brutal heat was clearly getting to his head. He was delusional and out of sorts.
“Dude, it's like 79°F out here. Get your facts straight, narrator guy.”
Uh, I'm exaggerating the truth a bit. It's called good storytelling. Look it up some time.
“Whatever, dude.”
Fine, Galaxy-Man and Stevie trudged across the tepid desert. It was so warmish that Galaxy-Man almost broke a sweat, but didn't.
About halfway to the theater, Galaxy-Man was then ambushed by a pack of killer wolves that walked on two legs and fought with dual flaming scimitars.
“What!? Ain't nobody got time for that!”
Stevie puffed up her tail and arched her back. She started cautiously boppin' 'em on the shins, definitely afraid.
Galaxy-Man had his eyes set on the brilliant neon of the imminent theater. “Come on, Stevie, we're gonna miss First Look! And I wanna make it in time for really long Coke commercial!”
“Help!! Help!!” said a breathy voice in the distance. Galaxy-Man looked over and saw a gentry-looking woman in a frilly pleated dress and she was tied to a cactus. Ouch. Galaxy-Man sighed and reluctantly put up his dukes. “Have at ye,” he said unenthusiastically, not even looking up at his opponents. Galaxy-Man and Stevie did battle with seven or so wolves. Galaxy-Man got banged up pretty good, but Stevie scratch 'em up so much that they took off running. They really weren't so tough after all. Their bark was certainly worse than their bite!
Galaxy-Man ran over to the woman and hastily untied her.
“Thank you, brave warrior,” said the woman, “I am Princess Acelia of-”
“Yeah, yeah,” interrupted Galaxy-Man, “I really don't care, dude. Look, I got a movie to catch.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out some money. He dropped it at her feet. “Here, buy a gun in case they come back. That way you can kill yourself before they get a chance to torture you.” Galaxy-Man and Stevie took off towards the theater. The woman was left in confusion and disbelief.
The two finally made it to the theater. Galaxy-Man bought two tickets, one for him and one for best gal Stevie, though, the people at the box office didn't even notice her. With tickets in hand, he headed over to the concession stand. With the money he blatantly stole from Hamilton's drawer, he bought a stupidly large bucket of popcorn with way too much salt, butter and cheese. It was much more than he could possibly finish on his own. He believed that too much of anything was just enough. For candy, he bought Duds, Dots and Whoppers, and to drink, his all time favorite beverage, a crisp clean cherry limeade with crushed ice.
“Your total comes to 46 profit and 21 cents,” said the lady behind the counter.
“Er, here's a hundred,” said Galaxy-Man. “Keep the change,” he smiled and winked.
“Oh my,” said the woman “that's so generous of you.”
“Just trying to do the right thing, ma'am,” he said as he tipped his imaginary hat.
With the snacks bought, it was off to go find a good seat. Again, no one happened to notice Stevie. You'd be surprised at all the things that go unnoticed. The two sat in the middle of the 8th row, in the exact center of the room. It was the absolute perfect seat. Next to him sat Stevie who was already going to town on the popcorn. It was perfect; everyone who was there wanted to be there. There were no reluctant spouses, no annoying babies and no pesky terrorists to speak of. The room was full of nerds and sci-fi junkies just like Galaxy-Man. After all the previews, all the commercials, all the messages about turning off cellphones, it was finally happening; the movie was starting!
“Oh my God, oh my God!! It's starting!!” yelped Galaxy-Man. He grabbed a fistful of popcorn and popped some Duds like they were ecstasy. The movie opened with a grand battle in deep space. “Wow, look at that CGI! That space battle looks so real!!” Galaxy-Man thoroughly enjoyed the show. He was in heaven from beginning to end. “Whoa, look at him save that princess! He's so awesome!!”
By the time the movie was over, Stevie was fast asleep. She was awoken by Galaxy-Man's standing ovation. “Woo-hoo! Yeah!!” he shouted as everyone stared. He was so impressed with the film that he must've shed a tear, maybe two.
He left the theater with an even stupider-looking grin on his face. He popped over to the concession stand before leaving the building.
He rested his elbow on the counter and leaned in close. “Yo,” he said to the woman. “I saw a couple punks sneaking into an R-rated movie just now.”
“What!?” she asked in disbelief. “Well, we'll just see about that.” She took off her belt and cracked it like a whip as she walked off.
While there were indeed kids sneaking into an R-rated movie, Galaxy-Man had an ulterior motive. With the stand now unattended, he hopped behind the counter for a free refill on his cherry limeade. The man really loved his limeades. A burly guy and his wife and daughter walked up to the stand.
“Can we get some cheese and nachos?” asked the man.
Galaxy-Man paused and then smiled. “I don't see why not,” he said. He made the family some nachos with extra goodness.
“Mmm mmm, that smells good” said the man as he reached for his wallet. “What's the damage?”
“Nah, this one's on me, sir,” said Galaxy-Man very kindly.
“What a nice man,” said the wife. “Say thank you, Suzie.”
“Thank you, sir,” said the bashful little girl.
“Oh, I'm just doing my part,” kindly chuckled Galaxy-Man. “You folks enjoy the show.”
Whether that was actually a good deed or not is debatable, but regardless, it was time to amscray.
Galaxy-Man climbed back over the counter and looked for Stevie. “Stevie, where'd you run off to now?” He walked over to a sort of mini arcade where kids were playing. She was sitting at the center of an air hockey table all up in the way of two boys trying to play. “Whaddaya doin', sillyhead?” he picked her up off the table and put her in the floor. “Come on, stoop. We gotta get scarce before they find out that I left the cheese machine runnin'. It's a mess over there.”
The two sauntered on out of the building and Galaxy-Man whistled a nonchalant tune as they strolled as not to be noticed. It was now night and the sky was a brilliant deep blue. It was breezy and the air was cool and dry.
They walked back into the desert and started back towards the Whomper. “Hey Stevie, you know why African cats don't play cards? Too many cheetahs!!” He laughed boisterously at his own joke until he was in tears.
As he walked nearer and nearer to the ship he could see a strange dark shape behind the ship, but couldn't tell what it was. Closer and closer, he could start to make it out. Have you ever seen something far out in the distance while driving or out on a walk, and you can't quite tell what it is, so you try to puzzle out what it could be and come up with theories and guesses until you're close enough to make it out? Galaxy-Man wondered what the thing was. He figured it was either a terrible monster or a windmill. He hoped it was the latter as windmills are much easier to fight. He noticed that the closer he got to the object, the flatter it got, like it was shrinking. After a few minutes, he had finally reached it. It was much further behind the ship than he originally thought, as it was a truly gigantic object. It was a hot air balloon that had touched down and had been slowly deflating as he approached it.
“A... balloon?” he asked no one in particular. To find a hot air balloon out in the middle of nowhere is a pretty weird thing on its own, but it's what was inside the basket that was truly astonishing. Galaxy-Man looked in utter disgust at the unsightly horror before him. It was small, it was dirty; it was a baby!