Chapter 3
Galaxy-Man did not like children, even though he was basically a child himself. He loved cartoons, wore TMNT pajamas, and every year on his birthday he would rent a bounce castle for himself with a little construction paper sign that read “no girls allowed.” Still, he despised children. The only things he hated more than kids were centaurs, hammocks, people who used hammocks, and most importantly, babies. Who can blame him? Babies are weird, annoying tiny people who scream and cry and poop their pants on an hourly basis. No one wants to be around someone like that. What if Josh from accounting up and soiled his britches and started crying and screaming about it until someone changed his pants for him? That would be unacceptable! All babies are terrible people, every one. Not one good egg in the bunch.
Galaxy-Man was shocked to find a baby of all things in the basket. He would've rather it have been a centaur. On a side note, according to Galaxy-Man at least, he had long ago lost his right index finger fighting a centaur. Regardless of the particulars, all that remained of his nose-picking finger was a stubby nub.
There was no one else around, just Galaxy-Man, Stevie and the baby. He jumped sharply aback, tightly clutching his now fast beating heart like Fred Sanford having the “big one.”
“Get it away from me!!” he shouted. He looked around but there was no one in sight. No mother, no father, no babysitting grandmother hoping and praying it didn't poop itself until after the parents came back from the Halloween party; there was no one. “Gosh, you're really putting me in a tough spot here, man. What do you think we ought to do, Stevie?”
Stevie mewed softly.
“You're right!” he yelled way too loudly. He tented his fingers and smiled fiendishly. “I should smother the baby with my cape, cut its body up into little fun-sized pieces, and flush them down the toilet. It's perfect!”
He walked up to the basket again and looked at the baby. It was a girl. She was wearing little pink overalls and had a ribbon in her hair. She started giggling and smiling at Galaxy-Man's funny face.
“D'aww!” Galaxy-Man gushed. “I can't flush you down the toilet.” He clumsily crawled into the basket and sat next to her, yet, amazingly, he still didn't spill his beverage, his still cold cherry limeade. “Listen, bro, I don't like you, and you prolly don't like me, but it looks like our paths have intertwined, man. I just wanna say that-”
The baby reached for Galaxy-Man's cherry limeade.
“Hey, I'm talkin' here!” he said in his best New Yorker voice.
The baby must have been awful thirsty. Who knows how long she'd been floating around in the balloon. One sip couldn't hurt.
“Here,” said Galaxy-Man as he handed the baby the drink, “you can have a little.”
She grabbed the cup from him and went to town. She almost drank it all. Surprising given how small she was.
“Good lord, you like limeades even more than me. Okay, that's quite enough. You're gonna end up like the blueberry girl from that Willy Wonka movie I saw with my pervy uncle.”
Stevie then hopped into the basket.
“Welcome to the party, Steve. I'd offer you something to drink but Little Miss Limeade here just quaffed the whole punch bowl.”
Galaxy-Man looked deeply into her eyes and pointed at her. “I'm gonna do everything in my power to get you back home, toots.”
Galaxy-Man promptly returned to the theater and went to the lost and found bin. “Whaddaya mean I can't leave this here!?” shouted Galaxy-Man to the janitor. “Someone lost it!”
“You can't just leave a human being in a plastic bin,” said the janitor.
“What? It's not a human, it's a baby, dude.”
“Look, have you ever heard of Choupassé?”
“No, what's that?”
“During the 1960s they were an intelligence agency on Earth. They conducted all sorts of high level stuff like espionage and whatnot. Yeah, well they went defunct as an espionage agency in 1991, but for the last 20 years or so they've been using their resources to find missing children and stuff like that. I'm sure they'd be glad to help you find the girl's parents.”
“Well the sooner the better,” said an impatient Galaxy-Man. “How the heck do you know all this stuff anyway?”
“What, you think that just because I'm a janitor that I don't know things about child services and espionage agencies? Is that it? Huh!?”
“Yeah, sorta.”
There were no police on Cinetron so there weren't too many people to call for help. A citywide search for the girl's parents was carried out briefly, but it was no use, and absolutely nobody volunteered to look after her.
Galaxy-Man called up this Choupassé organization on the nearest space phone and a hectic and confusing few days followed. They came to Cinetron in a gigantic spacecraft that looked sorta like a tall office building, in fact, that's exactly what it looked like.
Inside, tests were conducted, blood was taken, forms were filled out and nails were bitten. It was all very stressful. Everyone acted like chickens running around with their heads cut off and nothing made much sense. Over the next few days, Galaxy-Man wasn't allowed to leave the spacecraft and slept in a boring beige room and the baby was kept in a constantly monitored bedroom. Stevie was kept in another room altogether for whatever reason. Every five minutes and new agent or government official would show up and Galaxy-Man had to fill out the same dumb form every single time. Galaxy-Man wasn't even allowed to leave his room most of the time. He was allowed to leave his room only during interviews and for his two daily meals.
On the third day, an important-looking man in a suit from the “Space John Child Services Division” or “SJCSD” showed up to speak with Galaxy-Man. He was actually taken out of the ship this time and into another ship that looked exactly the same as the last ship. Inside there were kids running around everywhere. Galaxy-Man was thoroughly disgruntled now. He was taken into a drab office.
“Have a seat,” said the man as he sat down behind his nice wooden desk.
“Ugh, this... is... so... BORING!!” Galaxy-Man groaned way too loudly.
“Why don't you have a seat right over there,” the man motioned.
“Sure thing, Mr. Hanson.”
The man raised his brow. “I'm sorry?”
“I'm saying you people make me wanna shoot myself.”
“I just wanna talk.”
Galaxy-Man was starting to lose it. “Look, I've filled out the same dang form 500 times now. You've taken my blood, my pee, I've practically written a freaking autobiography!” Galaxy-Man leaned to the side and looked over at a door behind the man's desk suspiciously. “If I didn't know any better I'd think you people were making a clone of me back there or somethin'.”
“I'm not affiliated with Choupassé. I just wanna talk.”
Galaxy-Man sighed. "What is this?” he asked with a wary inflection.
"Well, I won't beat around the bush. We've given you temporary custody of Jane until we can find her parents."
“Jane?” asked a confused Galaxy-Man. “And also, WHAT!?” He started breathing heavily and sweating profusely. His chest already moist with sweat, and his salty perspiration dripping from his nose, he adjusted his collar as he panted. “Is it hot in here? Can somebody open a goddamn window!?”
The temperature inside was around 58°F and there of course were no windows in the room.
“We couldn't find any record of her in our system,” said the man, “so we've been calling her Jane Doe. Look, you've known her longer than any of us have, so we feel it is in her best interest that she stay with you. She likes you an awful lot, you know? She cries whenever you're away. We've looked at satellite images of your neighborhood and your town and we feel it would be a great environment for her for the time being.”
Galaxy-Man was freaking out. He slammed his fist on the desk hard. “Yeah, but I'm totally reckless and stupid. I got a negative IQ score 'cause I didn't put down any answers AND I got caught trying to cheat. I have bad habits, too! I smoke weed all the time, I take pills I don't need, I drank a whole barrel of whiskey by myself. A whole barrel!!”
“According to your report, they found no such drugs in your system. You're clean as a whistle.”
“Well check again dammit!!” said Galaxy-Man way too loudly. He was indeed drug free at the time because he wanted to be sober for the movie of course. Talk about irony – the moment when not doing drugs lands someone in trouble.
“Look,” said the man, “It's only temporary.”
A long moment of silence followed.
The Milky Way was partially ruled by a powerful and tyrannical dictator named Space John, who was the self-appointed “King of the Galaxy.” He actually had little jurisdiction over anything, the galaxy being as big as it was. He did, however, write a book called the “Space John Book of Law” that virtually every developed world followed. Space John would literally destroy any civilization found not following his rules. His book was complicated and often made no sense. It was convoluted and full of contradictions and loopholes, but everyone obeyed it. None of this baby business made any sense. Who in the world decided that Galaxy-Man of all people was a good father? This whole ordeal was complete and utter madness. You can thank the Book of Law for that.
“For how long?” asked Galaxy-Man who was now twitchy and drenched in salty sweat.
“Either until we find Jane's parents, which isn't very likely at this point,” said the man, “or until a vacancy opens up here for her in a week or so. Little Johnny just found his forever home. Isn't that great?”
“Yeah, I really don't care,” said Galaxy-Man indifferently. “So in a week Jamie'll be dead or whatever and the baby can stay here, right?”
“Well, yes, but-”
“Great,” said Galaxy-Man as he got up from his chair. “See you in a week,” he smiled. He tipped his imaginary hat and exited the room. He left the ship but was then escorted back into Choupassé's ship.
“Mr. Galaxy-Man, we just need you to sign a couple more things and you'll be good to go.” said a woman very kindly.
“Good,” said Galaxy-Man. “I'm glad I can finally go. Another five minutes here would've made me lose the rest of my mind.”
After a grueling six more hours of paperwork, Galaxy-Man was taken to see the baby. He was brought into a room with colorful cartoon wallpaper and a woman was standing over a crib holding a piece of paper.
“Okay, sir,” said the woman. “We just need you to sign her name on this certificate here and you guys'll be set to go.”
“What? I don't know her name, dude,” said Galaxy-Man.
“Well of course not. You have to give her a name, silly.”
Galaxy-Man just wanted to leave. He was sick and tired of being in there. He gave the first name that came to his mind.
“I don't know,” said Galaxy-Man who hadn't the slightest care in the world. “Call her Cherry Limeade. She likes those.”
“Cherry Limeade?” she asked. She was clearly not amused.
“Yup.”
“That's what you're gonna name her?”
“Yep, Cherry Limeade.”
The woman squinted her eyes. “Are you being serious right now?”
“Dude, I really don't care. I just wanna get the heck outta here. Cherry Jane Limeade, final answer, Regis.”
And so the girl's legal name became Cherry Limeade. The only reason he was given custody of her was because of people blindly following orders for fear of being fired all because of the broken system of laws.
Galaxy-Man was reunited with Stevie and the gang finally left the planet. He finally got to go home. The trip home was filled with crying and screaming, and the baby cried some, too.
Galaxy-Man brought the Star Whomper to a safe landing in his backyard. Stevie quickly went back to her grocery basket for a sunny nap. The first thing Galaxy-Man did was go hit up Hamilton's house. He walked inside without knocking of course. Hamilton was sitting on his couch reading a christian novel.
“Dude, Hamilton,” said Galaxy-Man.
“Long time no see, old friend,” said Hamilton kindly. “What's with the kid? You didn't steal it, did you?”
“No, dude, I found it in a balloon and now I'm like, legally her father or whatever. The system ain't right, man.”
“Wow, sounds like you've had quite a week.”
“Dude, tell me about it, man. I've never felt so drained in my life, and now I've got this little snot to look after.”
Cherry started smiling and making adorable baby noises.
“Aww, she's a cutie,” said Hamilton as he got up from the couch. “What's her name?”
“Cherry.”
“Hmm,” pondered Hamilton as he made his way to the kitchen, “that's an interesting name. I like that. Hey, you want some pizza bites. They should be cooled off by now.”
Galaxy-Man stepped into the kitchen with Cherry in his arms. “Yeah, man, I'm starving. I tell ya, all this parenting stuff's putting me in a bad way, man. You ever changed a diaper? It ain't pretty.”
“You know, I think this is really good for you. I think you're gonna be a great dad.”
“Thanks, bud, but I actually came by to see if you could babysit.”
Hamilton popped a pizza bite in his mouth as he brought the plate over to the kitchen table. “Oh, for how long?” he asked.
“Yeah, gonna be away on a long business trip for exactly one week,” said Galaxy-Man as he stuffed his maw with pizza goodness and sat down at the table.
“What business?” asked Hamilton. “You don't have a job.”
“Look, man, my hands are tied here,” Galaxy-Man insisted.
Hamilton started sniffing, as there was now a four odor in the air. “Ugh, that's raunchy,” he with his hand over his nose. “I think your little one just had a code brown.”
Galaxy-Man checked his imaginary watch. “Would you look at the time,” he said. “I gotta get going. Don't wanna be late.” He handed Cherry over to Hamilton and made his way for the door. “I really appreciate you doing this for me, Hamilton.”
“But, but-” stuttered Hamilton.
“Thank you so much,” interrupted Galaxy-Man as he walked out the door. “Catch you on the flip-flop, laaaater!”
On his way to go hide out in his basement for the next seven days, Galaxy-Man was stopped by Etsuka and her husband Barnard. Barnard was a pasty overweight pianist with short, balding white hair.
“We saw you carrying a baby,” said Etsuka. “What the hell have you done now?”
Galaxy-Man crossed his arms and squinted. “What's that s'posed to mean?”
“We're tired of your reckless behavior, young man,” said Barnard. He spoke like a lawyer from south Alabama and dressed like one, too.
“We've dealt with a lot of crap from you,” said Etsuka, “I thought the sick elephant you brought home was pretty bad, but this takes the cake. You've gone too far this time. Bringing home a baby? What the hell is the matter with you?”
“When are you going to turn your life around, child?” said Barnard.
“You're a disgrace, you know that?” said Etsuka.
Galaxy-Man hung his head in anguish. “Ouch, words hurt, you know? And the elephant's name is Eli, and he lives in a video game now.” Galaxy-Man was a little annoyed, but kept his cool. He was used to talks like these.
“Your father would be ashamed of you.” said Etsuka. “You're nothing like him.”
Galaxy-Man just couldn't hold his tongue anymore. Uncharacteristically, he became enraged. He hated his father with a passion and wanted to be nothing like him. “Good!!” he exploded. “'Cause I want nothing to do with that greedy fat cat.” Galaxy-Man put his finger right in Etsuka's face, stared her right in the eye and gave her an intimidating look. “Don't you ever compare me to him,” he said with heavy emphasis on the ever.
“Hey,” said Barnard, “don't talk to my wife like that, son.”
Etsuka was enraged. “You're pathetic,” she said cruelly. Her words carried so much weight that Galaxy-Man started tearing up a little, though, when you wear shades, no one can see you cry. “You know what?” asked Galaxy-Man. “That baby you saw... that's my daughter.”
“What!?” asked Etsuka in utter disbelief.
“Yep,” said Galaxy-Man as he backed away, a crooked grin on his face. “I'm gonna raise her myself and she's gonna grow up to do great things. You'll see! You'll all see!!”