The apartment ceiling, between lofts, protected us from rain and leaves, although the wind was funneled through it making us cold when we would smoke cigarettes. The apartment itself was clean and grey-walled like caulking stick. Anne and I composed lengthy conversations about our lives, our ideas, and the world we lived in which was so different from what we thought when we were children. Anne recalled childhood better than I did. She said she was very lucky for her education which was the private school type. She thought most of all that by asking questions to herself inside her head was what helped her intellect.
I would tell them that I remembered very little of my past, broken into codes like weathered cuneiform tablets. Each place I lived growing up was like its own lost civilization to me. I could remember that the people I knew always changed. Even my parents changed, or my dad at least. Anne said, "So your life was like playing musical chairs?"
"I'd say that, yes. Or Guess Who. In the game you knock down faces through the process of elimination." I said, "My Mom's face never disappeared, and that's the only face which I remember always being there."
If I quit fidgeting and sat there, my head filled with memories and ideas. I think it was debian. I could see new things, and actually visualize them and make judgments and connections. The conversations were long and fruitful when I paused like this. I could walk through my past and record new memories which were the same but from a different, adult perspective. I was nervous that maybe I was coding my brain. I told Anne that idea and she said, "Code for success. You code for inner peace and happiness. Sometimes I feel like I'm programming myself, too, when I'm going to face a very important challenge." Although she contributed to that idea, I think she was thinking about something else. Maybe she thought it was too weird.
Anne had been brought up by amazing parents, and I envied her. But it was the jealousy which motivates friendships and keeps us close together. I was lucky that she had a support system in case mine failed. She tried to brush her classiness off by mentioning her difficulty in school, but led herself into a trap where she had to elaborate. Anne didn't want to talk about how she met Macy after high school, and what they had done together. I guess I wouldn't have either if I were a girl. Anne was very masculine and her obvious pride in her achievements like sobriety weren't typical of girls.
Anne wanted to visit Italy. I promised I'd take her there when I had saved up enough.
I had been promoted in my position at the firm to illustrator of promotional ads for the company on account of my drawing ability. Daniel said I was doing great, and when he was in an upbeat mood after lunch I showed him Article 3. I crossed my fingers in my head and said a sweet prayer to whatever deity oversaw marketing campaigns in heaven.
Anne and I had worked on this one very closely together. In fact, I told her I would have to work out a way to give her credit for her help but she was entirely disinterested in that. She said that although the contract was large, it wasn't that big of a deal because the firm itself was very small. Anne and I essentially worked for a think tank. The ad would probably never be run, anyway. The firm was a content farm.
The idea was more simple and direct than the others. In 30 seconds, an actor related the psychological histories of various famous people and their portrayal in the media. Despite their problems, they were on television and in magazines and in our lives. It was with the help of doctors and medication like debian that enabled them to succeed. Find your potential to be famous. Ask your doctor about debian.
Daniel said it was indeed better than the rest. He asked why I focused so much on the pharm contract. I hadn't done anything else of this quality for the firm since I started. What was it?
Should I tell him I'm on debian? I thought. Instead I told him that I was trying to be the exemplification of someone who is non-judgmental. I was so interested in the project because I felt bad for people on debian. He told me that after one more try, he would send my next idea to the client. He wanted two ideas at once this time. Each one was better than the last, so I should give it two tries. I liked the strategy. When I got home gave Anne a big hug for thanks. I was also desperate for her help. I felt it so important that I get it right this time. For another week, I tried to put my personal life with Anne on halt to develop two scripts to show my boss.
Anne I think around this time was thinking about ending the relationship. She was jealous. I sincerely didn't want that to happen so I took her to a concert. She was a pretty girl who had been through a lot of the same stuff as me. I was lucky to be her boyfriend. She asked me if I wanted to have sex when we were kissing before the show. I said, after I finish Articles 4 and 5. She started crying.
I couldn't take my mind off the proposals for the entire concert. When we got home, Anne and I went straight to her room and she asked what was wrong. She thought I had been ignoring her.
"I'm so obsessive, I can't help it," I reluctantly explained. "Maybe it's a problem with debian. I need to go comfort her but you remember how sex messes up relationships. I want to devote more time to finish the proposals, and then we can talk about it."
Anne said my work was important, too. I gave her another hug. I doubt we could have made it much longer after that if it wasn't for our job. Her friend Dana came over some nights.
When I finished Article 4, I told them both I wanted their help in imagining the video. Did they want to be actresses for a night? Anne was willing. She had basically written the script herself. Dana was pretending to be excited to play their role. I gave them the scripts and started recording from a handheld camcorder I borrowed from the firm. I was going to record the two talking to each other and then add my own voice over from behind the cam. Instead of showing Daniel a folder, he would get to watch Article 4.
ANNE
Who am I? What am I doing here? What is my purpose in life?
DANA
You are in my head. You are a creation of mine. My goal is to help you help yourself.
ADAM (VOICEOVER)
Reality is perception. Reality is like a dream. Reality is (...)
ANNE
Reality is the self. I am myself. But you are you.
DANA
Correction: from my perspective, you are someone different than from your perspective. You are only how I perceive you. Reality is a dream.
ANNE
Reality.
ADAM (VOICEOVER)
Reality can be tough to understand. Sometimes we forget who we are and wonder what other people think of ourselves. It's going to be okay with the help of DEBIAN. Soon, you'll feel that …
ANNE
I am in control of my own self, and my own reality. I am awake.
ADAM (VOICEOVER)
Talk to your doctor about DEBIAN today.
We watched the video together and each one of us thought it to be perfect. I eagerly wanted to show Daniel Article 4 before finishing Article 5 but he had asked me to send both at once so I had to wait.
When Article 5 was painstakingly edited and neatly printed into a folder, I went to bed and waited until morning.