Chapter Four
Window Seat
I kept my face down and didn’t make eye contact with anyone as I boarded the plane and searched around for my seat. I couldn’t help it. I was female and despite everything going on I was embarrassed about my puffy bloodshot eyes and red swollen cheeks.
I hadn’t packed much. In fact all I had was the carry-on bag that I had boarded the plane with. I had some clothing and other feminine product type stuff and the few thousand in cash that I’d managed to layaway.
With the high cost of affording a decent apartment and Francesca not paying me very much I was lucky to have what extra money I did have. It wasn’t much to build a new life with, but it would have to do until Swanson sent more to me.
Thankfully even given the short notice I had been able to get a window seat. I turned to stare out the window so I didn’t have to look at anyone.
Passengers continued to board and someone sat down in the seat beside me. I’d been hoping that it would remain unfilled.
Gradually a familiar scent reached me and I turned in shock to see Keko sitting beside me.
He smiled wanly, “Surprise.”
“What are you doing here?” I exclaimed, as I heard the flight attendants say that takeoff was imminent.
“I had some vacation time coming to me and I thought I’d tag along as moral support so to speak.”
“The hospital just let you take off time without any prior notice?” I exclaimed.
“Well, no actually they didn’t so I had to quit.”
“You quit your job! Please tell me you didn’t do that!”
His eyes were warm and his hand was even warmer as he interlaced his fingers with mine and said, “I’m a skilled and highly sought after surgeon. I get job offers every day so don’t worry about me. I have but one sister and I love you very much! I wish none of this had ever happened, but it has and now we’re going to get through this as a family. I want to apologize for leaving you alone in the park this morning. It wasn’t very loving or grown up on my part in terms of how to treat a person let alone my sister who was asking for forgiveness.”
I just stared at him as I saw everything I had thought lost was still there burning brightly in his eyes. I let my tired head fall against his shoulder and I closed my eyes in peace.
“You’re the best brother ever!” I whispered out as I held his hand tightly.
“And you’re my favorite sister.” He said with humor.
“I’m your only sister.” I quipped back at him.
“See, there you go.” He said with a well-meaning chuckle.
I smiled softly loving the solid presence of my brother beside me. Tiredness overcame me and I gave up to it as I relaxed for the first time in a long time. I’d faced the worst and still come through it alive with my brother by my side. Things were working out after all.
*****
I slept most of the long flight across the country to California, where we boarded the overseas flight to New Guinea. It was Keko’s turn to sleep then, but I was wide awake with nothing to do.
I glanced at my brother and grinned when I saw that he was slightly drooling. I got a napkin and dabbed at the corner of his mouth slightly. He would be so embarrassed to know this was happening.
I studied him as he slept. My brother was a handsome man and everywhere he went women turned their heads, but none had ever snared anything more than a passing fancy as a dinner companion or someone to see a show with.
I’d asked him why he didn’t settle down, when he had his pick of anyone he wanted along with the money that came with being a rising world-class surgeon. He’d said that he was waiting for the right one.
I wished I’d done that, but that would’ve meant being with a man. I didn’t know about that yet. Maybe it would happen.
I was twenty-eight. If I wanted children I had better start thinking about it.
I wasn’t sure I wanted children. I’d had such a mixed up childhood. My own mother had been a flop at the job of raising a family and in some ways I thought I’d do little better than her if given the opportunity, at least that was my fear.
I didn’t want to mess up my kids like that. Better not to have any then, but I couldn’t help how alone I felt. I wasn’t going back to the kind of relationships that I had escaped from though.
Shamefully I admitted to myself that it was still a temptation that I struggled against. I made up my mind then as to something.
I glanced out my window at the dark of the night passing by. The next time, if there was a next time it would be with a man and it would be for keeps like it was supposed to be.
Slowly I whispered out, “I make that a promise to you God! I solemnly swear, but please as much as I don’t want to be alone in life I also don’t want to surrender to a man and experience his touch and control over me. Help me change! I want to change! I need to change! I will change!” I finished resolutely, as I addressed maybe perhaps the first prayer I’d said in years to my Creator, who in large part I had hoped had completely forgotten me and my sin.
A sudden deep ripple of awareness went through me as it was made divinely clear to me that I was going to be held to my sworn out oath of willingness to change and experience a man’s headship over me.
I pressed a tightly clamped fist to my lips as I stared out the window in sudden panic of thought. Such an awareness feeling could only mean that what I’d sworn to would likely happen!
Oh God!
I should never have sworn to such a thing and yet it had seemed the right thing to do in my effort to turn my life around from the sorry place I’d taken it. It had been the right thing to do.
“Oh God help me!” I cried out softly against my knuckles in extreme fear of the future.
Peace seemed to hit me with a force that had me laying my head back against the seat on the verge of falling asleep, which soon became a reality.