Chapter Three
Emotional Exchange
I stepped into my apartment ignoring the box and its spilled out contents on the floor. I was no one’s slave girl!
I was my own woman. I liked my independence, but if I was to ever feel physical touch again in my life it would be a man’s touch and not that of a woman’s.
The problem was that I did not want a man’s touch. I never had. It had been a far easier and comfortable thing to accept a woman’s touch than it had been a man’s. I’d known it was wrong though and eventually that was why I had stopped, but it hadn’t been easy and it was still a temptation for me.
I hated myself and my weakness all the more for it. The forbidden had only brought me ruin and threatened the loss of those I cared about most.
I walked to the window and looked out not really seeing anything in the bright night lights of the city. I brought my phone up from my pocket and dialed the first contact and let it ring.
“Hey Sis what’s up?”
I closed my eyes at the sound of my twin brother’s voice and prayed for courage.
“Keko there’s something very important that I need to talk to you about. Could we meet in the morning somewhere?”
“Sure! My shift starts at seven; maybe we could meet in the park around six and grab a coffee?” Came his quick response.
I fought to hold onto my emotions and quickly said, “That sounds great! I’ll see you then.”
“Is something wrong Kim? You don’t sound right.” Came my brother’s perceptive voice over the phone line.
“We’ll talk in the morning. Good night Keko. I love you!” I said quickly before ending the call.
I held the phone in the fist that I pressed tightly against my lips. Would my brother love me the same after tomorrow morning?
The constant war of thought and emotion over that very thing kept me awake all night.
*****
I fingered the sealed edge of the thickly stuffed manila envelope for a moment. Francesca was about to take a fall, however, so was I. I’d never be able to return to a country like the United States ever again.
It was a small price to pay to see that countless people got their jobs back. I opened the flap of the mailbox outside Jim Swanson’s house and let the manila envelope slide into it.
Briskly I hurried away feeling lighter of burden inside, but dreading the emotional exchange that was to come with my brother. He wasn’t going to be happy.
In fact I was pretty sure he would be mad. Very mad! It couldn’t be helped though.
I made my way over several blocks to the little pocket park that we liked to meet at some times for lunch. It was cold and my breath hung in the air about me.
My Polynesian ancestry had no love for this cold weather. In some ways it would be a relief to get back to a warmer climate and one that I was more used to. That was about as much relief as there would be though.
There were reasons why I had escaped the warm islands of my ancestry. It would be like a reopening of old wounds going back even as a fresh one was opened.
Keko was already there standing with an extra coffee beside the water fountain that had been turned off and drained for the winter. I stepped up to him and took the freely offered coffee.
I gave a warm smile of appreciation before my eyes fell downward to the cup warming up my cold hands. Keko’s fingers pushed back several strands of my long black hair that had fallen forward.
I looked up my eyes awash with tears. He was looking at me with concern, but he didn’t say anything as he took my coffee cup and set it on a nearby table. His arms enfolded me and I hugged him fiercely in return. He led me over to a bench and after a long moment of silence I knew it was time for my confession to begin.
I looked up to meet his lovingly patient gaze on me, “Several years ago I made a very bad mistake, which led to another and more after that. I’ve tried my best to bury them and to act as if they never happened, but someone found out and used what I had done in the past to blackmail me. I did highly illegal things for this person. Enough to send me to jail for a very long time. I’m trying to make things right and so I’ve turned in evidence that will expose not only what I’ve done illegally, but the dark motivations and actions behind the empire of who’s been blackmailing me.”
I stopped talking as I gathered what nerves were left to me as I prepared to go into the most ugly part of my confession.
Keko spoke into the pause, “So I’m guessing that since you’ve turned your back on whoever’s been blackmailing you that now they’re going to make public whatever it is they’ve been holding over your head?”
I nodded miserably.
His brow was furrowed in concentration and I could tell he was getting worked up emotionally, but his gaze was still open to me.
Slowly, feeling like I was exposing myself to be run through with a knife I asked, “Didn’t you ever wonder how I paid for college Koke?”
He looked away from me and said, “A buddy of mine said he thought he saw you or your twin look-alike flashing a crowd in one of those college girl gone wild videos. I never wanted to ask you about it. Figured it was private and I really didn’t actually believe it could be you, but it was wasn’t it?” He asked as he returned his gaze to stare at me and I nodded in confirmation, even as I felt myself bust up inside a little more as I saw some of my brother’s respect for me die in his eyes.
“That was how it started. I made good money on the videos. I saw how hard you worked at three jobs to get through medical school and I didn’t want that. I wanted more free time and the ability to go out with my friends and buy nice things. The money from the videos helped fund that lifestyle, but my college debt was racking up and my credit cards were all but maxed out. I had received offers before, but I’d turned them down. Then one day I didn’t turn them down. The offers were for leading roles in porn movies and in men’s magazines. I knew it was wrong, but the other things were more important to me and I needed the money. I hid it from you and I wouldn’t have done it actually if I thought you would’ve found out. I knew you didn’t look at or watch porn though so I thought it was a safe bet that I’d get away with it.”
Keko got up and began to pace back and forth in front of me. I watched him my heart broken inside of me at how stupid I had been in my youth to put material things on such a high pedestal that I was now seeing the loss of something priceless.
Keko finally spoke and his tone expressed his outrage even as he fought hard to keep it tightly restrained in his effort to sound understanding, “So you had sex with men on live shot porn videos and stuff like that?”
“Worse.” I said in a small voice.
He stopped pacing then and looked at me closely, “How could it be worse?”
I couldn’t meet his eyes and I dropped mine downward as I finished the sad tale, “You know I don’t like to be touched by men, because of the kind of things that went on when we were kids. When I signed up I had the choice to star opposite of male actors or female actors. I chose to be with the women instead. I thought a woman’s touch would be less objectionable.”
I flinched as Keko exclaimed in a hard tone, “You’re a lesbian!”
“I was. At first it was just the stuff that was done on the set, but later I had a relationship with my roommate in law school that lasted for two years. I broke it off though and I haven’t been with anybody since.”
I still couldn’t look up at him but I could feel him staring at me.
“I can’t believe that you would throw everything away like that!”
I sank into the bench wishing it would swallow me up. I looked up trying to see his face through my tears and sobbed out, “I’m sorry!”
Some of the anger left his face and he looked away as he emotionally said, “I know we had it tough as kids and things were done that shouldn’t have been, but I thought we left all that behind when the Pollock’s adopted us when we were twelve!”
“I did too! I’m sorry that I’ve let you, Tom, and Esther down. I’d change it all if I had it over to do again, but I can’t!”
“What are you going to do now?” Keko asked.
“I’ve reserved a spot on a flight out of the country in the early afternoon. I want to talk to Tom and Esther before they get their package.”
“That would probably be for the best.” Keko said in agreement even as his voice sounded strangely foreign to me. My head sank down as I bitterly acknowledged that I had lost my brother.
“Kim?”
I looked up to my brother.
“I need some time to get a handle on all this.”
I nodded.
He started to leave, but I quickly grabbed a hold of his hand and in a pleading voice I asked, “Keko if you get a package of stuff about me please don’t look at any of it!”
He nodded curtly and left the park.
My endless tears seemed frozen to my face and I shivered. I looked over at my coffee cup. It had grown cold just as my brother’s love for me had.
Fresh hot tears fell as I collapsed over onto my side on the bench not caring if anybody saw me. It didn’t seem to matter that I was trying to do the right thing. Oh God, I was losing everything anyway!