"Esther won't say who the father is. She just cries whenever I bring it up," whispered Aunt Ginger.
Aunt Molly whispered back, "I think I met him. She dated this odd guy for a few months. There was something very different about him. He was just, well, different. He was definitely not Jewish."
Ginger whispered, "Not Jewish?" After a pause, she asked, "In what way was he different?"
"I can't put my finger on it. Something just didn't sit right with me. Esther never really dated much, so nobody questioned anything. They were just glad she was dating. That was until they found out that he wasn't Jewish," whispered Molly.
"I can't believe that Esther would date someone who wasn't Jewish. The shame could destroy the family," whispered Ginger.
Molly glanced around, waited till cousin Jerry passed by, then whispered, "He most certainly was not Jewish. I talked to him about food. He had no idea what a bagel or knish was. Worse than that, he came along that time the whole family went to the tenth avenue deli. You weren't there, you had bronchitis, for a change. The guy ordered ham and swiss with bacon and mayo on white bread and a glass of milk. I have never been more embarrassed in my life. You should have seen the expressions on Rose and David's faces. They were mortified. She finally broke up with the guy a month later. I don't know of anyone else who could be the father. She did say something about being tired of waiting for Mr. Right to come along, and that this was her last chance to have a child."
Ginger shook her head, as she whispered, "I can't get it around my head. I just can't believe this could happen."
Molly pointed at Abe, the infant laying in the cradle, and said, "The kid has a slightly greenish completion, just like that guy she was dating."
The apartment door bell rang. This startled great-aunt Bathsheba, who in turn spilled her entire cup of tea. It landed on the expensive throw blanket from Israel. David, Esther's father, opened the door and ushered the Mohel into the apartment.
"Hello everyone, I'm Murray the Mohel, at your service," said the Mohel.
David shook the man's hand and led him into the apartment. Murray was somewhere between fifty and eighty. He possessed a long white beard and all black clothing.
David, called out, "Everyone, we're ready to begin."
Ginger and Molly exchanged smiles and nods. They sat in the first row. They should have known better.
Young Abe was happily on his throne and surrounded by a mob of well-wishers. Abe enjoyed all of the attention, the first he had received in his short life. He was unaware of the terror awaiting him.
The Mohel addressed the gathered, "Hello everyone. I'm Murray the Mohel, and today I will be circumcising Abe Gottlieb. I put a pile of business cards on the table next to the front door. If anyone needs my service, take a card. Call me in the next two months, and I'll give you a ten percent discount."
Murray opened his antique suitcase and removed the tools of his trade. David glanced at them and winced. A few minutes later, the assembled friends and family were praying in Hebrew.
Molly whispered to Ginger, "Those cookies on the table don't look so good. I think he got them at that new giant supermarket, instead of Cohen's Bakery. David is really cheapening out lately."
The prayers were interrupted by the apartments rather annoying doorbell. David opened the door, as the gathered looked on. A slender eight foot tall man stood in the doorway. His skin color was slightly dark, and a little bit on the green side. The man's eyes were unnaturally bright blue. His nose and ears were long and angled in an odd upward way. His hands were bent, as if arthritic.
"Is it my imagination, or are there six fingers on each of his hands?" whispered Ginger, to Molly.
David raised a hand and preventing the man from entering the apartment.
Esther joined her father at the door, and said, "Kallaly, what are you doing here? I asked you to stay away."
Kallaly waved at Esther, and said in an odd sing-song accent, "Esther, I'm Father to this child. Please heed me. You can't go through with this ritual."
Esther broke into tears, and said, "I told you to leave us alone. Why won't you listen? You know it didn't work out between us, it couldn't. You're not Jewish. I told you I would have this child without you. I want nothing from you, no child support or anything. Please, Just leave us in peace."
Kallaly vibrated a bit as if he were experiencing a seizure. He replied, "But I am not like you. You don't understand what will occur if you go through with this, what the ramifies..." He paused a moment, till he found the word. "What the ramifications will be."
Esther screamed, "When we were dating, I asked if you would convert for me, and become a Jew. You said, 'I follow Olliumo's followings, and it would mean my death if I changed.' I don't even know who the hell Ollimuo is. I went to the library and looked him up. There is nothing about him anywhere. It was wrong for me ever to date someone who wasn't Jewish, much less do what we did. Just go, and let me bring my baby up Jewish."
Kallaly vibrated some more, then said, "You don't understand. If you do what you are planning to do today, there will be serious consequences. I am the boys' father, and I know..."
David interrupted, "I want you to leave. You have no right spoiling this day for my family. If you had converted and married my daughter, it would be different. Now leave. You're not wanted here."
"You do not understand. What you want to do will anger Olimuo, and bring pain and suffering to you all," said Kallaly.
David pointed a finger screamed, "You're goyim. You can't understand what it is to be a Jew, but your son will. For the last time, leave."
"No, you don't understand. You must be attentive to my words."
David walked past Kallaly, and banged on the door of the apartment across the hall. The door opened, revealing a rather hefty and hairy man in a white undershirt.
"Ted, sorry to trouble you, but I have a little problem here," said David. He whispered a while, while he pointed at his unwanted visitor.
Esther pleaded, "Please, just leave. I beg you."
"But you don't interpret what I am saying," replied Kallaly.
"No, you don't understand. This boy is being raised Jewish, not Olimuo."
Ted grabbed Kallaly by the arm and pulled him from the doorway. Kallaly resisted.
Ted said, in his best deep voice, "Kallaly, or whatever your name is, I'm a New York City cop. You are going to leave these people alone."
"I am the father. I have rights. I also am here to present warning to all. This ritual cannot go ahead," said Kallaly, as he vibrated some more.
Ted grabbed harder and dragged Kallaly down the hall. He said, "I don't care who you are. If you want some rights with the kid, hire a lawyer. For now, you're leaving. If you don't, all I have to do is make one call, and my friends will find a nice cell for you."
Kallaly vibrated, as Ted led him away.
David hugged his daughter and cleared her tearful eyes.
"This is what happens when you date someone who isn't Jewish," whispered Ginger.
The Mohel glanced at his watch and sighed. He said, "If all the commotion is over, let's get this going. I have another bris at three."
Ted returned alone. He said, "I escorted him outside. Give me a scream if he comes back."
"Thanks, Ted, I owe you one," said David.
"you still owe my ex for the catering order. Enjoy your gathering," said Ted, as he returned to his apartment.
With the distraction over, the prayers started up again in Hebrew. David grabbed the baby in his arms, and the Mohel began his work. Several people looked away. Ginger and Molly smiled, as they moved in closer.
The Mohel was a completely relaxed. He was a true master of the art.
"I performed the bris on Dale Rocket, the big rockstar. He denies it, but I never forget a customer. I once did a Bris at the white house. A senator from New Jersey wanted it done someplace special. I've worked on cruise ships, taxi cabs, million dollar homes. I even did one on a beach. This is my calling, and I take it seriously," said the Mohel, as he pointed at the child. His hand had a slight shake.
"Maybe they should have found someone a little younger," whispered Ginger, to Molly.
The Mohel made his cut, removing little Able's foreskin. The Event did not proceed as one would expect. Blood surged out of the altered body part and splattered Moly and Ginger's white outfits with an absurd amount of blood. They screamed, almost surpassing little Abe's in volume. Blood splattered all over David's pants. Blood splattered the pictures of David's late parents. Blood splattered the poster of Israel. Blood splattered the Mohel. Blood spattered the carpet.
"Strange, that's never happened before," said the Mohel, above the overlapping screams. He deposited the amputated foreskin on a metal plate, then wiped the blood off of his face and glasses. Murray was about to treat the appendage when another unexpected event occurred.
The little piece of skin started to vibrate on its own. It did just a little movement at first, then began to vibrate more intensely. The entire table shook, until the Mohel's suitcase fell, scattering its contents on the floor. The Mohel returned the items to their proper place, then secured in the case. He treated young Abe, as he attempted to ignore the vibrating object on the table. Abe was crying, as one might expect. David's eyes were glued to the vibrating object on the table, and not his grandson. Molly and Ginger were drenched in blood. The blood finally ceased flowing from Abe's wound, though a little blood was still spilling out. The Mohel finished up his work, then placed David back on his throne.
The vibrating foreskin turned even more frantic. An instant later the table collapsed under the movement.
"What the hell is wrong with his foreskin?" cried Ginger, as she wiped the blood from her face.
Rose slapped the Mohel, and screamed, "What did you do to my grandson?"
The Mohel replied, "Your grandson is not entirely Jewish, I can tell you that. I've done thousands and thousands of these rituals, and never once did this happen."
Esther broke into tears, as she screamed at her parents, "No, he was not Jewish. I loved him, but you wouldn't let me marry him because of that. I should have never listened to you."
Rose attempted to comfort Esther, "Honey, you know how much tradition means to our family. Marrying outside of your faith is unspeakable. You need to be with your own kind."
Esther replied, "He's a good man, and didn't deserve the treatment he received from this family. I miss him so much. I don't care anymore. I'm gonna get back together with him."
"But he isn't Jewish!" screamed Rose.
"I don't care," replied Esther.
David gripped little Abe, who was still crying. He said, "Esther, for God's sake. This baby will be Jewish. It's bad enough that the father was a Goyim. Don't make it worse. This baby needs to be brought up by his own kind."
"But I love him, Daddy," cried Esther.
"In ten years you'll thank me when you're married to a nice Jewish guy," said David.
In all the excitement, the foreskin was mostly ignored. Only the Mohel was giving it any attention. That changed an instant later. The thing vibrated some more, then leaped into the air, and ricocheted from wall to wall. When it smashed a mirror, all of the gathered became aware of the peril. The thing struck Murray the Mohel. Murray fell to the ground with a scream and a thud. The foreskin popped out of the wound, along with a splatter of blood, then bounced off the walls, going faster and faster.
"What the hell is that? Are we under attack here?" screamed Molly.
"It must be those new German neighbors. I told you they hated Jews," screamed Rose.
The foreskin smashed every picture on the wall. It broke a series of biblical figurines. Rose was not pleased. Ginger narrowly avoided being hit, but still managed to cut herself on some broken glass on the floor.
Molly said, "I told you not to wear those shoes to a Bris."
The thing continued to crash about, as it emitted an odd sound. At first it was a hum, but it soon became an inhuman scream.
The Mohel screamed, "The thing has a life of its own. Why didn't you tell me the father wasn't Jewish? I can't do my work properly if I don't have all the facts."
The foreskin increased its speed and sound. All of the paintings and mirrors had been demolished, so the thing began to destroy the wall itself. The Mohel tried to grab the foreskin but failed. It embedded itself in his good shoulder, before flying out again with another burst of blood.
"What do we do?" screamed Molly.
"Call Rabbi Mauser," screamed Ginger.
The thing continued its rampage. It hit the front door, smashing it open.
Ted overheard the ruckus and came out of his apartment. He noticed the object flying around the place. He muttered, "What the hell? I'm getting my gun."
The thing stuck Ted and propelled him across the hallway. Kallaly broke his flight. Ted lowered himself to the ground, as he entered through a mild state of shock.
Kallaly entered the apartment. All eyes shifted to him, and the thing bouncing from wall to wall.
"It's him, the father. It's all his fault," said Ginger.
Kallaly put his hands together and emitted some odd high pitched chanting sounds. The foreskin began to slow its movements. Kallaly increased the volume of his voice. The foreskin fell to the floor. It was still vibrating slightly. Kallaly bent down and retrieved it. He chanted some more, and the vibrations stopped. Kallaly brought the foreskin over to his crying and bleeding son and placed it over the prior attachment point. Kallaly's hand glowed slightly, as did the foreskin. He proceeded to chant some more. Gradually, the foreskin reattached itself to Abe's manhood. The bleeding stopped, as did the child's crying. Kallaly kissed his son on the forehead, then walked over to the front door.
"What the hell just happened?" asked Molly.
Kallaly said, "I'll leave you in pieces now...I mean in peace now. Esther has my number sequence. You might want to communicate me so that I can give you a little advice on my non-Jewish heritage, and what boy will require. Puberty will be more troublesome than today's incident. I don't recommend you cut him again. The results would be more severe next time."
"Wait, don't go," said Esther.
Kallaly smiled, as Esther ran over and hugged him.
"I was wrong to listen to my parents. I still love you, and want you to be part of our son's life," said Esther.
"I still love you too. I have really missed you these many lunar cycles," said Kallaly.
David gently rubbed his grandson. He took a moment to study his daughter, and the man she was loves. David moaned, then said, "The hell with tradition." He walked over to Kallaly, and said, "I was wrong, I admit that. I guess I was so involved in honoring my heritage, that I almost forgot what is most important in life. I want my daughter to be happy, and I want my grandson to have his father."
"But he's not Jewish," cried Rose.
"He's a good man, and he loves his son, and our daughter," replied David.
Esther and Kallaly kissed. When that is over, they walked over and hugged their child.
"What about the kid? Are they going to raise him Jewish?" asked Rose.
"I hope so, but we also have to honor his father," replied David.
Ginger looked at the blood on her dress, then glance at the damaged apartment. She said to Molly, "This is why Jews should only be with Jews."
Molly shook her head, and replied, "No, this is why people should stay out of other peoples business. Love is what matters." She cried a moment, then added, "I once dated a guy who wasn't Jewish. I broke it off because I wanted Jewish children. I still miss him, and breaking up with him is my biggest regret in life."
Kallaly and Esther picked up their child and kissed again.
Ted got over his little shock, stood up, and quietly returned to his apartment.
Murray the Mohel put out a hand, and asked, "Do you have my check?"
"For what?" asked David.
"For performing the circumcision," replied Murray.
David said, "I didn't work. The foreskin is still attached to my grandson. Why should I pay you?”