5
On the morning of the next class, I didn’t need an alarm clock to wake me up. If anything, I had been thinking continuously about what Professor Ismat had said.
Success and failure were not giant events; they were the eventual consequence of what I did or didn’t do every day. I began to identify certain patterns in my choices as well as the small things I was doing everyday that were affecting my beliefs about myself. It was those micro-moments that were shaping my life, day after day. I began to recognize that if I kept doing the same things, I was going to continue getting the same results.
I tried to apply the concepts to my Dad’s life, and it made sense.
Dad was never a fan of personal development seminars or adult education; he was content with how things were and he had accepted his life for what it was. He hated what he was doing but he continued to do it. Life didn’t change for him. Even my best friend Furqan had decided not to go to school but run a grocery store and true to Professor Ismat’s word, his life hadn’t changed that much.
However, while all of this perplexed me, it also gave me hope. At least I was beginning to see what I could do. If other people could do it, I could do it too. If it was possible for them, it was possible for me.
As part of this week’s reflection paper, we were required to record our predominant thoughts. By the time it was done, I was surprised to see how much I had written. I didn’t realize but I had far exceeded the page limit. There was a burning desire to let it all out. There was a burning desire to identify everything inside me that was holding me back. There were many jumbled voices that compelled me to act in a certain way but very few of those voices actually helped me in achieving my goals. I had to stand guard at the door of my mind and take charge of my thinking.
But as I became more conscious of my thoughts, I began to recognize the daily struggle of standing up to the disempowering voices in my head and choosing to believe in myself. It wasn’t going to be easy.
On the morning of the next class, I hurried out of bed and caught the bus to make sure I wasn’t late. According to Sarah, there had been so much demand for Professor Ismat’s class that the Academic team had decided to reschedule the class for a morning time slot. A larger classroom had been allotted to facilitate the increased demand.
Instead of staying at home coordinating over email, I waited for over an hour outside the Registration Office and refused to leave before I got a seat. I had to make sure I got the course; this was too important to leave to chance. My persistence paid off when after multiple exchanges with the administrator, I finally became a ‘registered’ student in Professor Ismat’s class.
* * *
“Hey! Want some coffee?” I heard a familiar voice as I was about to enter the classroom. It was Sarah, holding out a cup of coffee.
Well, she is pretty great, I thought to myself. If it wasn’t for her, I would have never even considered this course.
‘Yes, thank you! Ready to go?” I asked excitedly as I held open the door for her.
“You bet!” she responded with a smile as we both entered the classroom.
* * *
“Good morning!” said Professor Ismat with an energy that was contagious.
Unlike many other morning classes, this class was full. It seemed like Professor Ismat had struck a chord.
“Today, I want to talk about focusing on the right things before we move on to the growth mindset. A good place to start would be to see what the Roman Stoic Philosopher Seneca said hundreds of years ago,” continued Professor Ismat as she pressed the clicker and the projector screen lit up.
“He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary.
We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
Professor Ismat picked up her coffee mug and continued.
“There’s a tendency for all of us to keep thinking about the past and things that didn’t go right. We think about what someone said or how we responded, or even how we might have done things differently if we could go get the opportunity again,” said Professor Ismat as she paused to take a sip.
“Often, we focus too much energy focusing on the wrong things. As the author Earl Nightingale suggests, the amount of time we spend on different worries falls somewhere along the following lines,” said Professor Ismat as she pulled up another slide.
Things that never happen: 40%. That is, 40% of the things you worry about will never occur anyway.
Things over and past that can’t be changed by all the worry in the world: 30%.
Needless worries about our health: 12%.
Petty, miscellaneous worries: 10%.
Real, legitimate worries: 8%. Only 8% of your worries are worth concerning yourself about. Ninety-two percent are pure fog with no substance at all.
She took another sip before continuing.
“According to the author Bob Proctor, while all the greatest leaders in the world virtually disagree on everything, they agree on this one thing. They agree that we undoubtedly become what we think about!” emphasized Professor Ismat.
“The National Science Foundation reported that the average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those, 80% are negative and 95% are repetitive thoughts. Can you imagine the impact your negative thinking can have on our subconscious mind? From worrying about what someone said to us to how something might shape up, we spend more time dwelling in the realms of negativity rather than focusing on the things we want to achieve,” said Professor Ismat with a concerned expression.
“As we grow older, we often become our worst critics. We spend so much time with ourselves that we see our flaws as clearly as night and day. If you don’t build up your self-esteem, who else will? The world is too busy to be concerned about the problems in your life - most of them don’t care and the others are glad it’s you that’s facing those problems rather than them. You have to be your greatest supporter and motivator; you have to be someone who will always be there when times get tough. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not with what someone else is today. Be your own cheerleader. You have a responsibility to keep your mind fixed on the things that inspire you and keep you in the realm of positive thinking,” she continued.
“Our conscious mind is a wonderful mechanism. However, it is also something that needs to be properly programmed. If we let it wander, we will often find it roaming amidst self-doubt, fear, and negativity. You will often have to fight these negative tendencies and clear your mind to make room for positivity. What you listen to or think about has a tremendous impact on your conscious mind and eventually your life. Could you keep dumping negativity and self-doubt into your conscious mind and expect to live a happy, positive and fulfilling life? Certainly not!” she exclaimed.
“Always try to stay in the realm of positive thinking. To change your life, you must first change your mind. This does not imply that you ignore the problems that you face in life but rather that you have a self-reinforcing belief that regardless of whatever you face in life, you will be okay. You have made it so far despite all the challenges you faced - there is no reason to believe that you won’t make it moving forward. Having this belief is also the root of self-confidence; you know you will be alright no matter you’re your current situation is. Spend some time every day on positive affirmations and visualization - the utility of the exercise is in the reinforcement it will provide your subconscious mind alongside giving it ideas for attaining whatever goal it is that you’ve set for yourself,” continued Professor Ismat.
“How you talk to yourself and what you say about yourself is essential on your journey; you have to love and respect yourself before others can love and respect you. You have to expect great things of yourself and believe in your potential before others can do the name. Finance Gurus will tell you about the transformative power of compound interest; can you imagine how your self-talk day in, and day out has affected and shaped who you are and how you think? It shapes almost everything you think and do! The cumulative effect of your beliefs and actions have made you the person you are and the habits that you’ve developed. Look at what the writer Samuel Johnson wrote,” said Professor Ismat as she pulled up the next slide.
“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.”
“You have to develop positive thinking like a muscle. The more you challenge yourself, the more you will grow. The more you visualize, the more clearly you’ll see what you need to do to get to where you want to go,” she continued.
“’Imagination is more important than reality’, as Einstein rightly pointed out. Imagine the kind of life you want to live; not only will it counter the negativity and pessimism that tries to enter your mind, but it will also give you a positive ideal to strive towards!” said Professor Ismat as she paused to take another sip.
“Now, instead of wasting time on what we have no control over, we should instead concentrate our attention on things we can influence. I know it’s difficult, but can you imagine the worry and stress you would be relieved from if you only focused on important things? If you told yourself that enough is enough?” asked Professor Ismat with a smile.
“Learning to differentiate between things you have control over and things you don’t is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. This perspective is also demonstrated in the wellknown serenity prayer by the American Theologian Reinhold Niebuhr,” continued Professor Ismat as she pressed the clicker again.
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
“When we focus on the things we cannot control, we needlessly add to our worries and disturb what the ancient Stoics would refer to as tranquility,” added Professor Ismat before taking another sip.
“In his wonderful book, ‘A Guide to the Good Life’, Author William B. Irvine provides an interpretation of how the ancient Stoics would put this to use in today’s world. He argues that the kind of control we have over things can be broken down into a trichotomy,” said Professor Ismat as she moved on to the next slide.
1) Things over which we have complete control (this includes the goals we set for ourselves, our values, our character, and our opinions). We have the agency to decide these things for ourselves.
2) Things over which we have no control at all (this includes things like the weather). Since these things are outside our control, it would be unwise to waste time on them.
3) Things over which we have some control (this includes aspects such as winning a tennis match or getting that coveted job). We can exert some degree of control, but external aspects might also be at play.
“It is worth considering the third branch of the trichotomy,” continued Professor Ismat.
“Even though we’re not certain that we can win the match, we can hope and through our efforts try to influence the outcome; we, therefore, have some but not complete control. As a result, the Stoic will be careful in setting their goals as they realize that their tranquility could be disturbed if the goal for them is to win the match,” emphasized Professor Ismat.
“However, this is where the important distinction comes in; a Stoic will be careful to set internal rather than external goals. Therefore, the goal of the Stoic would be not to win the tennis match, over which they have limited control, but to play to the best of their ability, over which they have complete control. The goal of the Stoic would not be to get that job; the goal of the Stoic would be to prepare for the interview process as best as they can,” she continued.
“Internalizing goals in this manner gives you control over events. It helps you maintain your tranquility, and more often than not if you give your very best, you end up realizing the external success that you seek. Another way to understand this principle is in the words of Helen Hayes, an American actress whose career spanned 80 years and who was one of 15 people to have won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony Award,” said Professor Ismat as she pulled up the next slide.
“My mother drew a distinction between achievement and success. She said that ‘achievement is the knowledge that you have studied and worked hard and done the best that is in you. Success is being praised by others, and that’s nice, too, but not as important or satisfying. Always aim for achievement and forget about success.”
Professor Ismat took a sip of her coffee before she continued.
“However, as you go about setting goals for yourself, it is worth considering a basic tenet of human nature: hedonistic adaptation or what is also referred to as the hedonistic treadmill. This is our tendency to swiftly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major life changes or positive or negative events. This means that despite whatever goals you set for yourself, once you reach them, you will strive for something else! There never will be enough!” exclaimed Professor Ismat as the students leaned forward in their seats.
“The author Louis Binstock in his book “The Power of Maturity” provides various examples of this basic human tendency to always want more and to add conditions to our happiness. One example he provides is of a mother who believes that she’ll be happy once her child gets out of elementary school and for a certain period, she is. The next belief is that she’ll be happy once the child graduates from high school and for a certain period, she is. The same process is followed with her child’s college graduation, their marriage, or the birth of their first child when she becomes a grandmother. She falls into this trap of seeking happiness in the next big thing instead of realizing that her true happiness lies between these special blessings!” continued Professor Ismat.
“If you think about your own life, you will unfortunately see a similar pattern playing out. If you believe that you will be happy when you achieve success or the next big thing you’re striving for, you are walking down this hedonistic path,” stressed Professor Ismat.
“Do not tie your happiness to your success; your happiness is your responsibility! It is not a result of where you live, the job you have, or the clothes you wear, but who you are as a person. Tie your happiness to progress and the person that you become. The seeds of happiness are inside yourself. It is a personal matter and ultimately, your life is a result of what you make of it. This is how Mark Twain put it,” added Professor Ismat as she pressed the clicker.
“You are about as happy as you make up your mind to be.”
“It is vital to set goals and see big dreams for yourself. However, take a moment to be grateful for what you currently have and as the ancient Stoics would put it, think about how you would feel if you lost what you currently possess,” continued Professor Ismat.
“Despite your current circumstances, there are millions of individuals who would do anything to have the life that you have. Millions! Millions like you and me! Can you imagine how they feel when they see you wasting what you have? Don’t let the things you want make you forget the things you have. You have enough and more importantly, you are enough,” stressed Professor Ismat as she pressed the clicker.
“A man is as wretched as he has convinced himself that he is.”
Seneca
Roman Stoic Philosopher
“William Shakespeare, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world’s greatest dramatist has a timeless line in the play Hamlet,” continued Professor Ismat as she pulled up the next slide.
“For there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
“The way you see your life greatly influences what you do. Be careful with how you talk to yourself and the image you have of yourself,” she added as she pressed the clicker again.
“A man is but the product of his thoughts and what he thinks, he becomes.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Indian Lawyer and Anti-Colonial Nationalist
“A man is what he thinks about all day.’’
Ralph Waldo Emerson
American Essayist and Philosopher
“Be careful of what you allow yourself to think; it may be the single most important factor in determining your destiny. According to the Harvard psychologist William James, our greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another,” emphasized Professor Ismat as she took out her water bottle and took a few sips.
“Does this all make sense so far?” she asked. The students nodded their heads in unison.
“Good,” continued Professor Ismat with a smile.
“Now, where’s the person who was concerned whether we could get smarter?” said the professor with a big smile. Zeeshan meekly raised his hand.
“Well, you are in for a ride today!”, exclaimed Professor Ismat as Zeeshan responded with a half smile.
“So, who wants to start us off with the growth mindset?” she continued.
More than a dozen students raised their hands. Professor Ismat picked a student towards the front.
“Thank you,” said the student as he stood up with his notes and started reading.
“In her revolutionary book ‘Mindset’, Carol Dweck discerns between two attitudes: the fixed mindset and the growth mindset. People with a fixed mindset believe that talent is everything that matters. They believe that intelligence is static. They believe that their qualities are carved in stone and they cannot change as individuals. People with a growth mindset desire to appear smart and therefore avoid challenges that might make them seem otherwise,” said the boy as the turned a page.
I was reminded of my dislike for Calculus; was it because the subject was pointless or was it because I was afraid to admit that I didn’t know?
“People with a fixed mindset give up easily, consider effort to be fruitless, and ignore negative feedback. Other peoples’ success threatens them. They believe that they’re failures if they’re not talented at something and since they believe they’re largely unchangeable, they never try to improve themselves. This deterministic view of the world implies that such individuals plateau early and achieve far less than what they’re capable of achieving,” he continued.
“In contrast, people with a growth mindset believe that they can cultivate their basic qualities through effort. They believe that their intelligence can be developed. While these individuals believe that people vary significantly in terms of aptitude and skill, they also understand that everyone can develop and grow as a result of continued application and experience. They have a desire to learn and grow and therefore they embrace challenges that will help them become better. They embrace effort as a path to mastery and persist in the face of challenges,” he added, pausing to make sure everyone was following.
“Criticism helps people with a growth mindset learn what they lack, and other peoples’ success inspires them. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts and as a result individuals with a growth mindset reach ever-higher levels of achievement,” concluded the boy as he sat down in his seat to small applause from the class.
Professor Ismat took a moment to appreciate the boy’s effort and then turned her attention towards the entire class.
“My children, your attitude towards yourself might be the most important factor in your success. Your attitude and choices will determine the kind of life you live,” she said as she moved to the next slide.
“The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.”
William James
American Psychologist
“We can’t outgrow the limits we impose on ourselves. Your view of yourself, your beliefs, and your values influence almost everything that you do,” continued Professor Ismat as she pressed the clicker again.
“Success or failure in business is caused more by the mental attitude even than by mental capacities.”
Walter Scott
Historical Novelist
“As the industrialist Henry Ford used to say, if you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right. Believe that it is possible for you and go for it,” she continued.
“Do not confuse talent with skill. You are not fixed. Your potential is not fixed. Don’t be afraid to take on a challenge for fear of failure. If you read Dweck’s book, and I recommend that you do, you will find dozens of other examples of individuals who passed up opportunities that would in the long-term improve their life success. These individuals had a limited view of themselves and their potential and therefore they stopped attacking the things they were afraid of. As a result, it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy. These individuals never faced their fear, which is nothing but ‘False Evidence Appearing Real’, and therefore it kept tugging at them to the point that they because paralyzed,” continued Professor Ismat.
“According to Dweck, we might have different mindsets in different areas of life and whatever mindset we have in an area will guide us in that area. It is not difficult to see how drastically different the consequences of thinking your intelligence and personality as something that can be developed will be as opposed to believing that they’re fixed and deepseated!” exclaimed Professor Ismat.
“Develop a growth mindset and see the challenges you face in life as opportunities for becoming better. Understand that you are on a learning curve and you will only get better from here if you let yourself! Excellence takes time. And most importantly children, as I said earlier, do not confuse talent and skill,” she stressed before moving on.
“How many of you know the actor Will Smith?” asked Professor Ismat.
Almost every student in the class raised their hands. We loved Will.
Professor Ismat smiled.
“Wonderful! I hope his words will strongly resonate with you then,” said Professor Ismat as she switched to the next slide.
“The separation of talent and skill is one of the greatest misunderstood concepts for people who are trying to excel, who have dreams and who want to do things. Talent you have naturally, skill is only developed by hours and hours and hours of beating on your craft.
I’ve never really viewed myself as particularly talented, where I excel is ridiculous, sickening, work ethic. You know while the other guys are sleeping, I’m working, while the other guy’s eating, I’m working. I realized very young that there’s no easy way around it, no matter how talented you are your talent is going to fail you if you’re not skilled, if you don’t study, if you don’t work really hard and dedicate yourself to being better every single day you’ll never be able to communicate with people with your artistry the way that you want.”
“You are on your own learning journey, no one else’s!” emphasized Professor Ismat as she continued. “You don’t need to compare yourself to others. Don’t let your mistakes or the desire to appear perfect stop you from challenging yourself,” she added.
Satisfied that the students were done taking notes, Professor Ismat pulled up another slide.
“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”
Confucius
Chinese Philosopher
“Surprisingly, once you’re successful, people rarely remember your failures. People don’t believe it when I show them this,” paused Professor Ismat before pressing the clicker again.
“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
Michael Jordan
Professional Basketball Player
“The master has failed many more times than the beginner has even tried; failures are inevitable on your path to personal greatness. You’ve got to keep at it. Care more than normal and more than necessary about the things that you want, and you will be successful,” continued Professor Ismat.
“You will fail time and again but in those failures, you will find the power to succeed and grow. Your failures will either make you or break you,” continued Professor Ismat as she pressed the clicker.
“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”
Ernest Hemingway
Novelist
As the students were taking notes, I glanced in Professor Ismat’s direction. For a moment, I felt as if she looked right into my eyes as if emphasizing that what she was now going to say would be especially useful for me.
“Another thing that I wanted to talk to you about was the voices you hear inside your head,” continued Professor Ismat.
I kept my pen down and gave her my full attention.
“It is certainly difficult to face reality. Often, we are our worst critics; we don’t need someone else to do it for us, do we?” she asked.
“We keep punishing ourselves long after something has happened even though it serves no valuable purpose in our lives. As Thomas Paine put it, our greatest enemies, the ones we fight most often, are within,” emphasized Professor Ismat before continuing.
“Why do you punish yourself over and over again for a mistake you carried out once? Do you think that is fair? Don’t be too harsh on yourself; remember that you are human after all. Many talented people have wasted their talents only because of self-doubt! And many people don’t know this but there is no person in the entire world who does not have such feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt!” she emphasized.
“Develop compassion for your human defects - you’re never going to be perfect! If you would have known better, you would have done better!” she paused, taking a sip of her coffee.
I raised my head to see Afzaal intensely taking notes.
“Sure, there have been times when you’ve been unwise. However, have you never been wise? I doubt it. Don’t shortchange yourself - you have all you need to succeed inside you. There are many voices in our heads that shape the way we act daily. They may be shaped by the people you grew up with or the life experiences you’ve had. Learn to recognize whose voice it is and the message that it’s giving you. Recognize it for what it is: just a voice,” stressed Professor Ismat.
“You can decide whether to follow it or not. You are in control. Actively challenge any negative beliefs that you have about yourself and realize the power that you now have,” added Professor Ismat.
Before proceeding, she paused for a moment and took a deep breath as if the thought reminded her of her own past.
I sensed pain in those deep brown eyes but more importantly, I sensed strength and resilience. Suddenly, with a big smile on her wrinkled face, she pressed the clicker to pull up the next slide and began to recite the poem as if she knew it by heart. Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley
Poet
“Children, it’s time to leave the baggage of the past and redesign a new life for yourself!” she continued. “Accept who you are today and then take responsibility for who you want to become tomorrow. Be mindful of your self-talk; does i