3
A Lesson on Personal Responsibility
Thank you for taking out the time to be here,” said Professor Ismat with a pleasant smile. Her wrinkles and deep eyes exhibited a life full of experience and adventure.
“Your time is valuable, and I will make sure that your being here is worth your while. However, in return, I have two requests,” she added as we all quickly glanced at each other, not sure what to expect.
“First, discard from your mind the idea that I have all the answers. I don’t. And mind you, nor does anyone else. There is no one answer,” she emphasized.
“Countless philosophers have come and gone trying to figure out the meaning of life. Many spent their entire lives chasing one principle or approach that would solve all of mankind’s problems. From what I know, no one really figured it out. But they taught us something valuable instead,” she continued.
“The journey that you undertake in finding those answers is more meaningful than the answers themselves. There is a reason why these questions have been handed down to us through the ages: we have to figure out our own answers. We have to put in the hard work. Yes, it’s good to acquire all the knowledge that you can but then, you have to decide for yourself what makes sense to you. So stop looking for a savior or a quick fix,” she continued with a warm smile on her face.
“Now second, as we spend time together, you will come across some ideas that will be uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. These ideas might contradict everything that you’ve been conditioned to believe. My only request is that you keep an open mind and when you sense that discomfort, you let it sit with you for a while. Does that sound reasonable?” asked Professor Ismat. The class nodded.
“Great, let’s jump right in then,” continued Professor Ismat confidently as she pulled out a file from her bag.
As she went about setting up the class projector, I tried to get a sense of her as a person. She was dressed immaculately, with a light blue dress alongside an elegant pearl necklace. She had wrinkles on her face but her spirit shone with a ferocity that was unmistakable. From what I could gather, she seemed like a woman who knew what she was talking about. Unlike most of the other teachers, she didn’t pause to seek our approval. She knew what she was here to do and more importantly, she seemed fiercely determined to do it.
“Does anyone want to start us off with something or someone that inspired them?” she asked, keeping aside her class notes.
A couple of hands shot up.
It suddenly hit me! In the events of the past few hours, I had completely forgotten to do the prework. I shrank in my seat hoping she wouldn’t call me out. It seemed like an eternity before the Professor finally settled on someone in the first row.
“Mahnoor?” the Professor asked, taking a close look at the name card on the desk.
“Yes,” came back a timid voice. I knew Mahnoor from another one of my classes. She barely ever spoke in any of the other classes, so I was rather surprised to see her raise her hand.
“Why don’t you go ahead and share with us what you have?” said Professor Ismat with a smile.
“Umm, sure. Though I’m not sure if everyone is familiar with the person I’m going to talk about,” responded Mahnoor as she stood up in her seat.
“Oh dear, don’t worry about that. Who is it?” asked Professor Ismat.
“It’s Oprah Winfrey, an American show host. Does anyone know her?” asked Mahnoor not expecting to get a response. To her surprise, a few students raised their hands. This gave Mahnoor the inspiration to move on and she took out a piece of paper to refer to her notes.
“Okay. So for those who don’t know, Oprah Gail Winfrey was the richest African American of the 20th century and North America’s first black multi-billionaire who first became famous for her talk show, ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’. She was ranked as the most influential woman in the world and dubbed as the “Queen of All Media”. Today, she is considered as one of the greatest philanthropists of all time,” said Mahnoor as she turned over the page.
She looked up from her notes if everyone was following, but the students seemed disinterested. Before proceeding further, Mahnoor glanced in Professor Ismat’s direction to assess whether she was on the right track. The Professor smiled and Mahnoor continued.
“What most people don’t know is that Oprah was born into rural poverty in Mississippi to a teenage single mother who worked as a housemaid,” said Mahnoor.
“Growing up on welfare, Oprah till the age of 6 lived with her strict grandmother who was reportedly so poor that Oprah’s school dresses were often made of potato sacks,” she added.
I could sense the curiosity in the room beginning to rise as more and more students expectantly began to look at Mahnoor, waiting to hear what she was going to say next.
“Her grandmother would often beat her up and in the words of Oprah herself, ‘She whipped me so badly that I had welts on my back and the welts would bleed. So then I got another whipping for getting blood on the dress.’” said Mahnoor as she flipped another page.
“Later, Oprah was sent to live with her coal miner father in Nashville and at the age of 9, she was raped by her cousin. Subsequently, she was raped by her uncle. After that, she was raped by a family friend. But this wasn’t enough. She got pregnant at 14 because of the abuse but her was born prematurely and died at the hospital shortly after being born,” continued Mahnoor.
Everyone stayed glued to their seats. For the first time in my life, I experienced what pin-drop silence felt like. After a brief pause, Mahnoor continued.
“Despite all these obstacles, Oprah flourished at school. She won a full scholarship to Tennessee State University and then went on to occupy several successful professional roles. Today, she is a globally renowned world icon,” said Mahnoor as she turned another page.
“I wanted to share a few of her sayings if that’s alright,” continued Mahnoor, glancing in Professor Ismat’s direction. Professor Ismat quickly nodded, delighted to see the amount of effort Mahnoor had put into the assignment. Mahnoor continued.
“In one of her talks, this is what Opera said. ‘I’ve always had the deep understanding for myself that if anything was going to move forward in my life, I was going to have to be responsible for making that happen. You are responsible for your life. And if you’re sitting around waiting for somebody to save you, to fix you, to even help you, you are wasting your time because only you have the power to take responsibility to move your life forward. And the sooner you get that, the sooner your life gets into gear.’”
Mahnoor paused for a moment and then went on.
“‘It does not matter where you come from. It doesn’t matter what your Mama did. What matters is now. This moment, and your willingness to see this moment for what this is, accept it, forgive the past, take responsibility, and move forward’,” said Mahnoor as she concluded and sat back on her seat. She nervously folded the piece of paper she had been using and placed it on her desk.
No one spoke for what seemed like an eternity. Professor Ismat didn’t intervene either. I tried to comprehend what I had just heard. I had always been holding myself back for reasons that seemed largely insignificant and irrelevant in comparison. It didn’t make sense.
When had I imposed these limitations on what was possible for me based on where I came from? I shuddered to truly answer that question for the fear of what it might reveal. Finally, sensing our confusion, Professor Ismat stepped in.
“Thank you Mahnoor. You must have worked hard and practiced this story multiple times to deliver it so fluently. Keep it up,” said Professor Ismat as a faint smile appeared on Mahnoor’s face. Then, turning towards the entire class, Professor Ismat began her first masterclass.
“Today, all of you have made a very important decision in your life. If you want, this can be the moment that changes your life forever,” she continued.
“You’ve started a journey for personal greatness. If you decide to pursue it despite all that you’ll encounter, you’ll discover that it’s worth more than your wildest dreams. It’s worth more than anything you can imagine. But let me emphasize, this is only the beginning,” she added.
“What you get out of this experience will depend on how much you put into it. It’s not going to be easy, but I know all of you have potential inside you that even you can’t see, yet,” stressed Professor Ismat.
“I don’t know what you’ve been through in life. I don’t even know what you’re going through right now. If there’s anything I do know, it’s that life is hard, and it hurts. However, despite what you’ve been through and what you’re going through right now, the most important realization you can have is that you absolutely and always have the power to become greater than your circumstances. You have the power to change your life one choice and one moment at a time,” said Professor Ismat confidently.
“These moments are what I refer to as micro-moments. These are the everyday moments when you make snap judgments about what you will do or what you won’t do. These moments might be a few seconds long or shorter, but they’re there. And this is where your power lies,” she stressed.
“If you’re not where you want to be in life, it all comes down to your choices at these micro-moments. At these micromoments, you’re choosing to do one thing when you should instead do another. It might be snap judgment to leave your homework for tomorrow or to order that cookie that you know isn’t good for you. These are the moments when you make a decision that you wouldn’t have made if you truly cared about yourself. Ask yourself, if you truly cared about yourself as you would care for another person, would you go through with the same choices that you’ve been making at these micromoments?” asked the Professor.
“Of course, the situation you find yourself in has its own role to play. But the power you have over these micro-moments is completely your own. You can let your situation define the kind of life you will live, or you can actively challenge the situation you’re in. And remember, no other person in the world can do this for you; you must do it for yourself. You can recognize the power of personal greatness that many before you have recognized and your ability to turn your life around,” she continued.
“Does anyone know who Benjamin Disraeli was?” she asked as she pressed the clicker and a black and white picture appeared on the screen. It was of a solemn looking man with a bowtie. I often wondered why people never smiled in old photographs, but Sarah had answered that question for me. It was because it took so long to capture a photograph back then that it was almost impossible for people to hold a smile for that long. Amusing.
“I think he was a British Prime Minister?” said someone from the third row.
“Correct. More importantly for our purposes perhaps, he was Britain’s first and only Jewish leader. He became Prime Minister at a time when Jews were discriminated against and excluded from hotels, resorts, and many neighborhoods while also facing limits on access to jobs and education. Non-Jewish hotels regularly posted signs such as ‘No Dogs, No Jews, No Consumptives’ so that they could keep Jews out. However, Disraeli did not let all this discourage him and instead, this is what he had to say,” said Professor Ismat as she pulled up a slide.
“Nothing can resist the human will, that will stake even its existence on its stated purpose.”
For the first time during my time at college, I felt an urge to take out a pen and paper and take notes. I decided to wait and see. The professor’s voice interrupted my thoughts.
“You see, the greater the obstacles that you’ve faced in life, the greater your comeback will be,” said Professor Ismat. “It doesn’t matter where you are right now; what matters is where you want to go from here. What matters is not how much you’ve been hurt, but rather how you channel that hurt and pain to bounce back even stronger,” she added.
“Your circumstances don’t determine your destiny; they only determine where you start. Your circumstances and background have undoubtedly affected who you are but you, and no one else, is responsible for who you become,” she emphasized.
“I’m glad that Mahnoor brought up Opera. There’s so much for all of us to learn from her story. This is one of her quotes,” said Professor Ismat, revealing the next slide.
“Turn your wounds into wisdom.”
“If you hadn’t faced all those obstacles, you wouldn’t have the untapped strength that you have within you today. Whatever you have faced up to this point in your life is a part of your own story. It is what it is and there is nothing you can do to change the past. You can’t change where you were born or who your parents were. You can’t change your race or your color. More often than not, despite how hard you try, you can’t even completely change the way you look,” said Professor Ismat as a few girls in the front row giggled. Professor Ismat smiled and then continued.
“What you can do is accept where you are today and then start taking action to change your life. The pain and hurt will be there. However, what you can change is how you approach life and the attitude you adopt. What you can change is what you do about your circumstances. Every setback you face has the potential to make you or break you. You have to decide which one it’s going to be. You can stay stuck or you can decide to become better. I don’t think anyone will hold you accountable for living a mediocre life,” said Professor Ismat as she paused to take a sip of her coffee.
“Your attitude and mindset influence almost everything you do. Would you believe it if I told you that your mindset even influences how smart you think you are?” asked Professor Ismat with a sparkle in her eyes.
A student raised his hand.
It was Zeeshan. I was surprised to see him in a Personal Development course. Zeeshan was the college bully, notorious for making fun of other students and attending class just to distract them from studying. We had got into a big physical fight once because he was picking on one of my midget friends. With his big biceps and my chicken legs, I was of course, no match for him. No wonder I wanted to work out so bad. Truly, lower body strength was equally important.
I was pretty certain we were going to be kicked out but his father was a rich businessman and thanks to his intervention, we were both allowed to stay. Many believed that the only reason that Zeeshan got admitted in the first place was that his Dad had made generous contributions to the school endowment. “Yes?” asked Professor Ismat pointing in Zeeshan’s direction.
“You’re saying that dumb Hassan here can change how smart he is?” asked Zeeshan, pointing towards the corner of the room where Hassan was seated. A few of his friends seated around him laughed. “With all due respect, he can barely do simple arithmetic, Professor,” he continued.
Everyone’s eyes turned to Hassan as he shrank further down in his seat. I didn’t know much about Hassan but from what I did know, Hassan was just one of those kids who found themselves at the butt-end of most jokes. Since he never retaliated, Zeeshan seemed to enjoy picking on him. It took Hassan longer to understand some topics and while I didn’t see any issue with it, apparently not everyone felt that way. From a curious student asking dozens of questions when school first started, Hassan had gone on to become incredibly aloof. He was always sitting alone in the corner, both inside and outside the classroom.
The professor slowly turned in the direction Zeeshan was pointing at as if to make out who he was referring to. Once she figured who Hassan was, she kept down her clicker and slowly approached Hassan’s desk. Then, as she had done with me earlier, she raised her hand to keep it on Hassan’s shoulder.
She smiled at him for an instant and then continued.
“Hassan? What a beautiful name! You know it means handsome in Arabic, don’t you?” asked Professor Ismat. Hassan looked up, not sure how to respond. He stayed silent.
“Well Hassan, the great physicist Einstein once said that everyone is a genius. However, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that is stupid,” she gleamed.
For the first time, I saw Hassan smile.
“Young man, I’m glad to have met you and I am certain you have tremendous potential inside you. However, no one will believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself,” she stressed. Hassan nodded.
“There is one thing I want you to remember before we move on though,” she continued.
“Yes, Professor?” asked Hassan with a timid voice, earnestly looking into the professor’s eyes.
“Don’t ever let anyone’s opinion of you affect your reality,” emphasized Professor Ismat, as she tapped on Hassan’s shoulder a few times before stepping back.
Satisfied that she had made her point, Professor Ismat now turned her full attention towards Zeeshan and continued in a grave tone.
“Zeeshan, is it?” she asked, trying to read Zeeshan’s lopsided placard.
“Yes,” responded Zeeshan flamboyantly.
“You have the right to have your opinions. But this behavior will not be tolerated in this classroom,” she continued. Zeeshan sat still, unsure how to respond. His arrogant smile quickly disappeared.
“The next time I hear such a derogatory remark, I will expel you from my class and possibly from the school. Is that understood?” said Professor Ismat sternly. Zeeshan quickly nodded his head. He couldn’t afford not to. So close to graduation, he knew his father wouldn’t be too happy about it if it came to that. Also, the gravity in the professor’s tone was indisputable.
“Be better next time,” continued Professor Ismat as she paused to take a sip of her coffee.
“Now, get up from your seat and go sit next to Hassan,” the professor said with a pleasant smile as if nothing serious had happened.
Without resisting, Zeeshan quickly picked up his bag and went to sit down next to Hassan. Despite sitting in the corner, I could see the broadening smile on Hassan’s face. Zeeshan meanwhile, crossed his arms like a bossy two-year-old.
“Now, where were we,” said the Professor as she moved back to the center of the class.
“You were telling us how our attitude determines how smart we think we are,” came a voice from the front row. It was hard not to sense the optimism in the student’s tone.
“Ah, yes! In a way, you can. But child, we have a lot of time before we get to that. For now, just remember that you have the potential to change who you are. I must tell you though that it will be incredibly difficult at first because the people in your life will see you for what you have been, rather than what you can be! They will judge you based on your present circumstances when in reality, where you are today doesn’t even matter! Also, remember the micro-moments I told you about earlier? They’re a result of habit and certaintly won’t be easy to change. However, it is possible. It will be hard, but it will work if you want it to work,” stressed Professor Ismat.
“I know it’s hard to believe but I want you to simply take my word for it right now. Can you all do that?” asked the Professor.
The students nodded their heads.
There was certainly something different about Professor Ismat. There were a self-assuredness and calmness that most of us seemed to yearn for. She made you feel special; it was as if she saw potential in you that you weren’t able to see yourself. Despite her surprising sternness with Zeeshan, the class seemed hooked on to every single word that she said.
As Professor Ismat raised her mug to have another sip, I couldn’t help but think about what Sarah had told me about the Professor’s background. It had certainly been a long journey for her. She wasn’t born with a silver spoon in her mouth and I found myself wanting to believe in her.
“Thank you,” she said with a smile before continuing.
“Children, at the end of our lives, when all is said and done, it comes down to this important principle - will we have reasons for why we didn’t do what we could have, or will we have results?” she added as she paused and glanced around the room.
“This is a difficult principle to grapple with. It took me a lot of time to finally accept it myself,” added Professor Ismat with a soft chuckle.
“As the best-selling author Jack Canfield would put it, it essentially comes down to realizing that regardless of whatever happens to us, we have to take 100% responsibility for our life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It demands that for things to change for us, we must first change. To have more, we must first become more,” she continued.
“Despite what you are made to believe, success and failure in life are not giant cataclysmic events. They’re a result of the actions we take daily. They’re a result of the micro-moments you encounter everyday. They’re a result of whether we decide to take personal responsibility and do what we know is hard in the short run but will help us in the long-run. Our results in life are not instant; they accumulate until the inevitable day of reckoning finally arrives when we must pay the price or reap the reward for the choices we’ve made,” stressed Professor Ismat.
“As I mentioned earlier, at some point we have to recognize and accept that no one is going to come save us - we must do it for ourselves! Alternatively, we can continue to live the lives we’ve been living. There’s no savior. Everyone else is too busy figuring out what to do with their own life. No one can do this job for you but you,” she emphasized.
“As much as I wish to help you, I can only help you see the path. Most, if not all of the hard work, has to be done by you. And that’s not an easy road,” said Professor Ismat as she paused to take another sip of coffee.
“You will notice that people raise a family, earn a living, and then die. They stop learning. They stop growing. Most people have done all that they’re ever going to do. As the motivational speaker Les Brown would say, these people stop developing themselves and trying to figure out how muchuntapped potential they have inside them. You know, it takes no effort to stay at the bottom. However, for people who are running towards their dreams, life has a special kind of meaning,” she emphasized.
“Very soon after you graduate, no one will hold you accountable for your learning. No one will hold you accountable for living a mediocre life. You will have to do it for yourself. You will have to be responsible for your motivation,” continued Professor Ismat as she took another sip.
“To improve, we first need to take full responsibility for where we are in life today and how we chose to respond to what life threw at us. We’re often led into believing that things are outside our control. We’re made to believe that it’s the economy, the government, the family, or even the neighbors that are the problem; we’re made to believe that if only these factors were different, our life would be different,” she added.
I couldn’t help but think about my Dad who always complained the taxes were too high. He didn’t think too favorably of our extended family either. And the government? Well, let’s just not go there.
“See for yourself. See the kinds of lives these people are living and then decide for yourself whether you want to listen to them,” continued Professor Ismat.
Dad had been with the same company for over 40 years and from what I knew, he loathed going to work every day. I always wondered why he never chose to do something else instead of spending most of his time doing something he hated. I thought that was just how things were.
“We’re made to believe that if things were better, our situation would be better. Our life would be better. Rarely, if ever, are we asked to look in the mirror and take full ownership of the position we are in life. Millions, if not billions of people have settled with living mediocre lives because they never believed they had the inner potential to take control of their destinies,” emphasized Professor Ismat before pulling up the next slide.
“We are all self-made, but only the successful will admit it.”
Earl Nightingale
American Radio Speaker and Author
She continued once she was sure everyone was done taking notes.
“Undoubtedly, like we discussed, where you are today has in large part been influenced by where you grew up or what race or class or sect you belong to. Life can be unfair, and it beats down the best of us,” she stressed.
“However, you have to realize at this point that even though all the cards might have been stacked against you, how you choose to respond now will make all the difference. What you do in those micro-moments will change it all. It’s simple, but it’s not easy. This is because what’s easy to do is often easy not to do,” she said persuasively.
“Knowing what you know today, do you want to have the same story 10 years from now for why you’re not succeeding? Are the poor choices you’re making today worth the suffering you will encounter 3 months down the road?” asked Professor Ismat. For the first time, I sensed sadness and regret in her voice.
“Don’t let life get the better of you. Accept that if 10 years from now we have the same reasons as to why we’re unsuccessful, no one is to blame but ourselves. That is what Oprah means by taking full responsibility,” she continued.
The students continued to nod, hanging on to Professor Ismat’s every word. After all, in all our years of schooling, not once had anyone talked about taking personal responsibility.
“How many of you have watched the movie Rocky?” the professor asked.
Around a dozen students raised their hands.
“For those of you who haven’t, I want to share a dialogue from the movie which strongly resonated with me. And after that, we can end today’s session. You have had a lot to think about today and it’s not easy. Life is not easy. In one way or another, life is suffering. But once you recognize that it’s supposed to be hard, you will increase your personal power. Once you recognize what kind of a life justifies that suffering, life will be meaningul. It will take you some time to understand the gravity of what I said but for now, just keep it at the back of your mind,” she continued.
I checked my watch and was surprised to find that an hour had already passed. I had been so engrossed in what the professor had to say that I barely noticed the time go by. The professor pressed a clicker and a slide pulled up on the screen.
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!
Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!”
As the students took notes, Professor Ismat quietly put her notes back into her bag and slid it over her shoulder. Once everyone was done reading, she continued.
“If you take what you have learned today and apply it to your own life, honestly and impartially, you might not find what you like. That’s why, for the next class, I want you all to go read about the Stockdale Paradox. Think about your own micromoments and if there is anything I can help you with, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. Have a wonderful rest of the day and I will see you soon,” said Professor Ismat with a warm smile as she elegantly walked out of the classroom.
“Wow!” said Sarah as she took a deep breath. “That was something, wasn’t it?” she exclaimed.
“Yeah, it certainly was,” I replied, not sure what else to say.
“Are you going to attend the next class?” Sarah asked excitedly.
There was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t.