50 Reasons to Not Suffer by Robert Velarosa - HTML preview

Introduction

Everyone suffers from time to time.  Some people suffer every day.  It seems that suffering doesn’t discriminate either.  It doesn’t care about your nationality or your religious beliefs.  Suffering affects everyone from all walks of life.  So why do we suffer and why is it universal?  Well, suffering is simply the result of two things:

1.  Not getting what we expected.

2.  Not accepting what is.

If you always expect good things to happen to you, you’re going to be disappointed, and very often I might add.  What we call good and bad are both a part of life, and in order to find any sort of happiness, we have to accept this fact.  This is what being an adult is all about; to accept what is and to not pout about it.  I’m not saying it’s easy, but to be an adult, it has to be done.  This may sound like a kick in the proverbial butt, but there are a lot of children in adult bodies on this planet, and those are the people who suffer the most.

To accept ‘what is’ means to accept everything, no matter what.  In fact, to be an adult means to accept everything as it is without complaining about it.  Life has so much potential for so many things including great things, horrible things, and everything in between.  Yet, we fight the terrible things because they aren’t what we wish for in our lives.  What I’m saying is you might as well accept those things too because you can’t stop bad things from happening.  They are a part of life.  It’s as simple as that.  If we could all just accept this one simple fact, we would be so much better off and suffering would be a thing of the past for the most part.

If you are able to accept everything as it is, without judgement, then it would follow that you would not expect only good things to happen to you.  You would also understand that bad things are going to happen and you would be okay with this fact.  You see, life brings everything to the table, good and bad, and it’s only our judgement that makes them as such.  So to accept everything as it is means to not judge anything as being good or bad.

Having said this, I’m not saying to be a door mat and take everything lying down.  If you don’t agree with something, do something about it.  However, what I am saying is to accept the fact that these things will happen.  Often times, it’s out of our control, so why getting worked up about it?  When something ‘bad’ happens, accept it, and if you can, do what you have to do to correct the situation.  Isn’t it easier to go through life with full acceptance instead of moaning and groaning about the inevitable?  Besides that, life is too short to waste it on unnecessary suffering.

As you read through the chapters, try your best to keep an open mind.  I don’t expect you to agree with everything I have to say, but I might present a topic in a way you may not have thought of before.  Look at it this way.  If this book can decrease your suffering by at least fifty percent, isn’t it worth it to keep an open mind?  Believe me; you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  In the end though, it’s your life, and I can’t make decisions for you.  I can only hope you can put aside your judgements long enough to take in the message this book has to offer.

Let It Rain

It seems that so many people are affected by the weather.  It is true that not enough sun can cause depression, and seasonal affective disorder is a reality that many people have to face every year.  However, it is also true that people will complain about the slightest bit of rain or snow.  It’s like living in England and complaining that it rains too much.  I live in the Toronto area of Canada, and during the summer, if it isn’t thirty degrees Celsius and humid every day, people will complain and say we had a bad summer.  If it rains once a week on top of that, people will say we had a horrible summer.  This may seem like an exaggeration, but believe me, it isn’t.

For all those people who live in the colder climates, the reality is this.  It isn’t going to be hot every day, and it is going to rain and snow sometimes.  This is just the way it is, and to suffer over it won’t make it go away.  However, you do have the power to not let it affect you.  It is true that Canada’s warm weather only visits three, maybe four, months out of the year, so a bad summer can seem like a bad deal.  However, the weather is bad only if you judge it as such.  If you live in a colder climate, you have to expect some nasty weather throughout the year.  If you live in Florida, you have to expect hurricanes.  And if you live in Kansas, you have to expect tornados.  Even the Caribbean gets its fair share of bad weather.  The point is to not make a big deal out of it.  If you’re really going to let something as silly as the weather affect your mood, what’s going to happen when a real tragedy hits home?

The weather is going to affect a lot of things in your life.  It’s going to rain on your baseball games and your picnics.  It may even snow on Halloween (it has happened here).  The question is; are you going to let it affect your enjoyment of the day, or are you going to wallow in misery over something you have no control over?

My wife and I had an outdoor wedding in the mountains during late September.  It was cold that day and it got pretty windy as soon as the ceremony started.  My wife had a sleeveless dress on and she was shivering.  I had a jacket on but I could still feel the cold.  In spite of all this, we still managed to enjoy the ceremony and we had a pretty good time taking outdoor pictures as well.  However I will admit we were glad when we went inside for dinner and cocktails.  Weather-wise, it wasn’t a perfect day, but to us it was still perfect because it was our wedding day.

Here’s something to ponder before we move on.  There are people on Earth who live in extreme climates who live very satisfying lives.  There are people who live in war-stricken countries who live very satisfying lives.  And there are people who live in crime-ridden cities who live very satisfying lives.  So the question is, “why can’t everyone else be happy when we get a little bit of rain?”

You’re Driving Me Crazy

I think most drivers experience road rage several times in their lifetimes.  I see the way people drive and it’s more common than you might think.  Road rage can happen for a number of reasons, but I think the most common one is where two drivers have different driving styles and one of them doesn’t like the way the other one is driving.  Let’s make up two characters named Joe and Sally.  Joe is a really easy going guy and he drives as if it’s Sunday, everyday.  Sally on the other hand is aggressive and likes to put the pedal to the metal.  When Sally finds herself behind Joe, she gets infuriated because he isn’t going fast enough.  So she passes him while laying on the horn.  Is Sally justified in her actions, or is Joe right for driving at a legal speed?

In truth, it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong.  What matters is that everyone has their own driving habits, and not everyone is going to be in a hurry like Sally.  The fact is that you can’t force people to behave and think the way you do, let alone drive the way you do.  Another fact is that we all have to share the road.  No one gets special treatment.  If you can accept these two simple facts, you will find that your drive will go much smoother and you will be less stressed by the end of it.

There’s no sense in raising a finger at someone just because you don’t like the way they drive.  In fact, they aren’t going to change the way they drive regardless of which finger you use.  Everyone is different and it would be in our best interest to accept those differences.  You can’t expect everyone to be just like you, so why make a big deal out of it?

Now you could argue that sometimes you’re in a hurry and really need to be somewhere in five minutes.  If you slept in and are late for work, that is your own fault.  However, if it is a true emergency, you have to keep in mind that driving like a bat out of hell could land you or someone else in the hospital, and then you’ll have some real problems on your hands.  In the end, you’ll regret driving like a maniac and it’ll be something you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

Mind you, there are some really bad drivers out there, as well as rude ones.  And even though some of them shouldn’t have a driver’s license, we are still forced to share the road with them.  Simple acceptance of the fact that there will always be bad drivers will also make your drive go smoother.  So don’t expect everyone on the road to obey the rules or drive like you do.  You’ll only be setting yourself up for disappointment.

I Hate My Job

Our careers play a big part in our lives, and if we have to do something we don’t enjoy, it can be frustrating.  Not everyone likes their jobs and not everyone likes to work, and if you fall into this category, you may be one of those who dread going to work every day.

It’s not easy going to a job you hate, so it’s important to count your blessings and see the good in it.  There are a lot of people who don’t have work and wish they had any job.  Providing for your family is also important and you couldn’t do that without a job.  Also remember that no matter what you do, you’re providing a service that is needed within the community in which you work, and this alone can be satisfying.

You always have options and you can always get into another career.  There is always the possibility of going back to school part-time to acquire a diploma in something you would enjoy doing.  If you can’t afford it, get a loan.  Millions of students get loans every year.  You may also find that your government provides assistance to those who wish to go back to school.  You always have options.  It may take time to achieve your goals, but you do have options.  Then once you’re in a better, perhaps higher paying job, you’ll have the opportunity to pay off your loan.

You may even have a set of skills you can use to start your own business.  Everyone has skills.  You just need to figure out what yours are and use them to your advantage.  Even then, a little schooling might be needed, but in the end, it’ll be well worth the effort.  If you’re unsure about what you would be good at, seek the help of a career counsellor who’ll be able to help you to figure out your options.  Simply having the goal of getting into another career will alleviate much of the suffering because you will have something better to look forward to.  Everything you will do from that point on will be a part of improving your life and that can be very exciting.

Do you really want to grunt and complain for another twenty or thirty years before your find any peace?  If you do, you really have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.  Each one of us creates his own destiny, and ultimately it’s on you if you’re not satisfied in your career.  You and you alone have the power to make things happen in your favor.  And don’t be afraid of failure because even some of the most successful people have failed, even several times, before they found success.  Everything you do in life is a risk, and it’s only with risk that you can reap the rewards of a satisfying career and life.

I’m Just Not Good Enough

Negative thinking and self-pity are the mother of failure, and believing in yourself is the mother of success.  I am absolutely, undoubtedly, convinced that everyone has the ability to make their dreams come true, within reason of course.  As soon as you tell yourself that you’re not good enough, you’ve already failed.  Case closed.  You’ve defeated yourself before you’ve even begun.  Mind you, there are certain situations where, for some reason that is out of your control, you may not qualify as a good candidate for a certain endeavor.  This can be heart-breaking, but it doesn’t mean you can’t find happiness in something else.  For instance, if you want to be a singer and you can’t even carry a tune in the shower, you may be in way over your head.  So be sure that you have the ability to carry out your goals. 

“I’m not good enough” is never an excuse, even if you’ve always been put down by friends and family.  Believing everything everyone tells you is disempowering.  They don’t know you like you do, and at the end of the day, it is their problem, not yours.  People who put others down have their own issues to deal with, and maybe they just don’t want you to succeed for personal reasons.  The point is to not give away your power to other weaker people.  Honestly, people who put others down are weak themselves and no one should ever take them seriously.

You may feel you’re not good enough because you’ve failed in the past.  A wise man once told me that success and failure happen in the same place, and it is so true.  The moment that brings failure is the same moment that brings success.  It can go either way, but by believing in yourself, you increase the possibility of success in that moment.  Don’t let failure be an excuse.  Everyone fails at some point, and if everyone gave up after their first or second failure, this world would be an entirely different world to live in.  Our standard of living would be much lower and we wouldn’t enjoy the nice things that are available to us.

It can also be discouraging when you’ve failed on several occasions.  However, there is no need to suffer over it.  You may have to change your strategy or look into trying different options.  As long as you keep trying, the possibility of success is kept alive and the world may become an even better place to live in.

Pardon Me, I’m Just Rude

I always say, “It takes all kinds to make this world.”  Everyone is different.  This we can all agree on.  You also never know what’s going on in someone’s head or what kind of a day they’ve had.  Maybe they’re having a bad week, or a bad life.  So when someone is rude or does something that upsets you, keep in mind that you don’t know the whole story, and ultimately, it’s their problem, not yours.

Why let someone ruin your day because of something they did or said?  Is it because we all expect people to treat us nicely?  That would be a huge expectation.  Not everyone is nice and not everyone cares about other people’s feelings.  Some people are just miserable and want everyone else to be miserable too.  So it’s their problem, not yours.

We might also think that everyone should have the common sense to be nice to people, but that’s just an opinion.  Every person has the right to legally do exactly as they please, and legally there is nothing we can do to stop them.  So we have no control over what other people do, but we have complete control over how we feel about the situation.  What it all boils down to is the fact that we feel hurt when someone is rude towards us.  If we didn’t feel hurt, we wouldn’t care.  The good news is we don’t have to feel bad about it.

When someone is rude, we think about how they didn’t meet our expectations.  This in turn starts a flow of negative emotions that end up ruining our day.  If we would just realize that it’s their problem and not ours, we wouldn’t mull over it for as long as we do.  Even if it seems like it’s personal, it isn’t.  Ultimately, it always has something to do with what’s going on inside their head.

Don’t make their problem into your problem.  If you decide to take revenge to make yourself feel better, then you’re turning it into your problem.  The adult thing to do is to let it go and let children be children.  It’s your decision.  So the question is, “are you a petulant child, or are you an adult?”

It’s Not In The Budget

With the exception of a handful of people, most people are on a budget, especially those who have a mortgage and car loans to pay off.  If you have children, the budget is even tighter.  When you’re on a budget, it’s tough to splurge on a new big screen TV, or new furniture, or updating the kitchen, but this doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.  Material things are nice, but you have to realize they don’t bring lasting happiness.  Most of the time, the high wears off after a few weeks and you find yourself in search of something new to make you happy again.  It’s a viscous cycle and most people don’t even realize it.

The whole advertising industry is geared towards perpetuating this cycle.  The cycle begins with getting bored with your latest purchase and a void is created.  The next phase is looking for something to fill that void.  Then you pay attention to the ads on TV and they tell you what you need right now to be happy and improve your life.  Finally you complete the cycle when you buy the product.  Then it starts all over again.  Boat loads of money are spent every year on advertising because it works, and it works because you allow it to work.  If everyone in the modern world were to make the conscious decision to not pay any attention to the ads, the whole industry would have to change.  The point is that you don’t have to believe it when the ads tell you that you need a new car or a new television to be happy.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to have material possessions, to go out to dinner, or to go to the movies, but if you can’t afford it, it doesn’t mean you have to be miserable.  There are people who can’t even afford to put good food on the table or pay their hydro bill.  Sometimes, you have to put things into perspective and realize exactly how lucky you are.  Unfortunately, we live in a world where our hard work isn’t always compensated fairly.  Sometimes, we have to work two jobs just to make ends meet.  But this is a part of living on Earth.  This is just the way it is, and to accept this fact means you won’t have to suffer over it.

Of course, you always have the option to make a better life for yourself.  It may be difficult and it may take years, but it can be done.  In the meantime, make the best of what you have.  You can be happy spending time with your family and friends.  You can go to the beach or for a walk in the park.  You can even participate in community events that interest you.  Happiness doesn’t always mean spending a lot of money.

Ultimately though, true happiness comes from within.  I have met people who have a nice house, nice cars in the garage, and nice bank accounts, and some of them are miserable.  These are the people who thought spending long hours at the office and making six figures would bring them ultimate happiness.  They never realized that true happiness can only come from within, and now they’re stuck in their own viscous cycle.  Would you want that to happen to you?

Blame It On The Government

People always blame their problems on the Government.  They protest, they petition, and they write letters to the Government in an attempt to get the politicians to do something different.  Now, there is nothing wrong with any of these things, but people have to realize that the Government is doing the best they can with the resources they have.

Sometimes, the Government has to make compromises, making one group of people happy while another group feels cheated.  This, unfortunately, will never change because everyone is different.  Everyone wants different things out of life, everyone has his own point of view, and everyone has her own value system.  Currently there are approximately 350 million people in the United States alone.  How do you make all of these people happy all of the time?  It’s practically impossible, is it not?

To make matters worse, people want to pay as few taxes as possible.  Well you can’t have it both ways.  For a Government to function effectively, it must be a well-oiled machine.  I’m not saying we should pay more taxes, but if the Government imposes a new tax or increases an existing one, there has to be a good reason for it.  Remember that the party in charge wants to stay in power and raising taxes defeats that purpose.  So if they do it, they do it because they have to, not because they want to.

I will admit, the Government does make what seem like stupid spending decisions at times, but it’s all about keeping people happy, and sometimes they have to pick the lesser of two evils.  I would also agree that there are a few public servants who are in it just for themselves, but it’s hard to weed out the bad apples.  As long as these politicians are doing their jobs, there’s nothing anyone can say or do to kick them out.  Then there’s also the possibility that your favorite party is not in power and it upsets you.  Well this will inevitably happen in a democracy.  I say, be happy that you have the right to vote if you have that right.  There are many people who don’t.

So the Government is what it is and that’s probably not going to change in our lifetime.  We can moan and complain about it all we want, but that never brings change.  If there’s something that really bothers you, take action and do something about it, but don’t sulk about it.  If you want to become an active participant, do what you have to to join the Government, but then you’re going to realize exactly what a tough job it is and what it really means to bring change to your country or state or city.  I think everyone should spend a week with a Government official to realize it’s not all fun and games.  At the end of the day, we have to make the best of a not-so-perfect situation, and be happy if we live in a country that offers freedom and a good way of life.

Everyone Has Their Time

The one thing you can be absolutely sure of in life is death, and it’s tough when you’ve lost a loved one.  It’s natural to feel sad and to mourn for your loss, especially if you lost a child.  That would probably be the worst pain imaginable.  So I wouldn’t tell you to not be sad because that would go against your very nature.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with death, and although we may feel bad for the person who passed away, it was a natural event and anything that is natural is okay.  You can hate death if you want to, but it won’t change the fact that it’s going to happen.  So why not just accept it?  It’s okay to be afraid of it, but accept it anyway.  Don’t feel bad for the person who passed away.  Nature took its course and now it’s time to move on.

The real suffering begins when we realize what we’ve lost when our loved one died.  They’re not around anymore to make us laugh, to share in our happiness, and to give us comfort, but this doesn’t have to be the end of our own happiness.  What most people don’t realize is that they are their own best friend.  We constantly rely on others to make us smile, but we never look within to find we had a reason to smile all along.  We always look to others for comfort, but we don’t realize the friend that has been hiding within all along.

Believe it or not, there really are people who are perfectly happy on their own.  I have personally been in a situation where I had to be my own happiness, and I can tell you firsthand it is possible.  It does take time to get to this point, but when you do, you’ll be in a position to not have to rely on anyone for your own happiness, and it’s a great feeling.

Instead of suffering, choose acceptance.  Accept death.  Embrace it.  Warm up to it and become friends with it if you can.  Just realize that nothing in life is permanent, even life itself.  When the Sun dies, so will every living organism on this planet.  Everything in life has a beginning and an end.  It’s a natural process, and acceptance of this fact will bring some level of comfort to those of you who have always had negative feelings towards death.

I Was Hoping For A Pony

I think everyone likes gifts.  We especially like it when we get exactly what we were hoping for.  We also feel let down when we don’t.  When I was a kid, I wanted a computer for Christmas, and when I got a sweater instead, I cried.  But that’s a part of growing up.  You don’t always get what you want.

If you really want something really badly, give hints.  However, some people can’t take a hint.  So make a wish list and give it to your loved ones.  Most people aren’t mind readers.  You have to also consider that maybe your loved ones can’t afford to get you what you want.  In any case, there’s no reason to suffer over this.

As an adult, it doesn’t matter to me even if I get nothing.  I’m not a kid anymore.  I don’t rely on anyone to get me what I want.  Sure it would be great to open a gift, revealing exactly what I wished for, and I’m always thankful if it isn’t.  After all, it really is the thought that counts, although I am sure some people would disagree with me, and that’s fine.

I just think that gifts are a little too important to people.  I think gifts are great for people who don’t have a lot of money to buy things for themselves, but if you were rich and you had everything you ever wanted, what would be the point?  I suppose even the rich wife would want diamond earrings for her anniversary, but then it’s up to the husband to know what her tastes are, and that can be like walking through a mine field.  I’m just happy that my wife doesn’t care for jewellery.  It makes my life so much easier and less expensive.

When it comes to gifts, take it in stride.  Remember that not everyone knows what you want, and be thankful no matter what’s in the box because the person who bought it probably put a lot of thought into it.

Fender Benders

When I was a kid, I was riding in the car with my parents, and I remember passing by a minor car accident.  One of the cars involved was a really nice sports car, and I remember the poor owner with his hands on his cheeks, saying, “Oh my brand new car!”  I remember thinking, what a poor guy.  Now that I think back on it, I say, “Get over it!”

Car accidents are a part of life.  Everyone makes mistakes and bad judgements on the road, and sometimes it happens.  The worst thing that could happen is someone gets seriously injured.  The car doesn’t matter.  Insurance will cover the car.  If no one got hurt, then it’s not a big deal.  Sure it’s a hassle when you have to get your car fixed, drive a rental car, go through insurance, and all that jazz.  If the car is written off, get another one.  There’s no need to sulk over it.  It’s just metal and plastic.  The only time I think it would be warranted to feel a little bad about the car is when it was a gift.  If it was totalled, well I suppose you’d feel bad about it.  But if you’re alive to tell the story, I say count your blessings.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again.  Everything you do in life is a risk and there are no exceptions.  Even buying a brand new expensive car and putting it on the road is a risk.  You’re risking damaging the car, and more importantly, you’re risking your own safety.  This is the reality of the situation and it’s so important to accept it as such.

Yes it’s true that cars are expensive and it’s not always easy to replace one, especially when your insurance company doesn’t give you the full value of the car.  But this is all a part of life.  You have to be an adult about it and put things into perspective.  Yes, the car will have to be replaced, but if you died, who would replace you as a husband, or a mother, or a son?  The car is meant to serve its purpose until its time comes, and if its time comes prematurely, it’s time to say goodbye and move on.

That Darn Flu Bug

No one likes to get sick.  When I get sick, all of a sudden I become a big baby.  I just can’t function normally when I’m sick.  I remember the last time I had the flu was back in 1997.  I was bed-ridden for four or five days.  I was delirious and I felt like dog crap, but I made the best of it.  I read and listened to music to pass the time.  I had the flu and there was nothing I could do about it.  I simply had to wait for my body to heal itself.  What was the point in suffering about it?  I figured I might as well make the best of a bad situation and deal with it.

I really hate it when I get a cold because it usually means I can’t breathe through my nose.  Then I end up having dreams about not being able to breathe, and I really don’t get a good night’s sleep.  It’s tough but it’s a part of life.  Every now and then, you’re going to get sick.  There isn’t much point in complaining about it.  You might as well complain that the Sun is too hot or the grass is too green.  If it bothers you that much, do something to distract yourself like watching movies or listening to music.  Maybe even catch up on your reading.  If your spouse is sick too, staying in bed all day might not be such a bad idea (hint, hint).  Basically, it doesn’t have to be a waste of time.

There are things in life in which we have no control over, and being sick is one of them.  Sure it’ll keep you from doing your regular activities, but sometimes it’s a blessing in disguise.  Maybe you’ve been working too hard lately and you really need the time to stop and reflect on your life.  I’ve always heard that stress causes illness, and although I have no proof of this, I do believe it is true.  That’s why I think that being sick is like our bodies are trying to tell us something.  Take the time to relax and find ways to make life less stressful.  While you’re sick, if you’re lucky, you might find yourself getting a new lease on life.

And if you still think the flu bug is a bad thing, remember this:  the Earth gave birth to you just like it gave birth to the bug.  You both came from the same place.  So deal with it because it’s natural and a part of being alive.

Diagnosis:  Hell

Worse than getting the common cold is being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness.  I have never been diagnosed as such, but I know someone who was.  It was my dad’s cousin and he had cancer.  I visited him once in the hospital, and from what I saw, I would have to say that this is one situation in which it would